ACT I
(The outskirts of a medieval village)
Narrator:
Once upon a time, at the edge of the Silver Kingdom, there was a small, quaint village filled with kind and simple folk. With strong backs and kind hearts they worked the land, taking in any stranger willing to lend a hand. They even took in a wandering gully dwarf, the most lowly, ugly, and stupid creature in the land. But there was no end to their kindness in their hearts, for they were-
(Narrator interrupted by commotion as Megloo Morkath appears on stage. Villagers enter an stay at Stage Left, hurling garbage and insults at the lowly bearded dwarf.)
Villager #1:
Begone from this village, foul wretch! You’ve darkened our doorstep long enough!
Megloo Morkath:
But-
Villager #2:
He’s blighted the onion patch!
MM:
But-
Villager #3:
He’s soiled the radishes!
MM:
But-
Villager #4:
The cattle give no milk!
Villager #3:
The well has gone black!
Villager #2:
He’s given me the love pox!
(Uncomfortable silence as the villagers eye their companion, then regroup in song. The villagers trade off ,singing a line or so each from the song before the next, chorus is sung together)
The village isn’t what it used to be
We toil and scratch at soil in misery
The crops have failed and Market Day is near
Someone is to blame
Someone’s not the same
There’s been naught but trouble since the day he came
It’s the Gully Dwarf
The gully dwarf
The gully dwarf’s to blame
The rubbish heap is where he makes his bed
Lice and fleas infest his bearded head
A more disgusting sight I’ve never seen
He’s always got the splats
His sack is filled with rats
When I pass by I kick him in the slats
It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Stretch him on the rack!
It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Begone and don’t come back!
Villager #1:
To think that we once trusted him to catch our plague rats. Begone, Megloo Morkath!
Villagers (in unison):
Banish him!!!
(In a hail of garbage MM cowers ands flees down the road.)
Villager #2:
And don’t come back!
(VILLAGERS EXIT)
MM:
Humph! That’s a fine way to thank me, after all these weeks of service. Megloo, catch the plague rats. Megloo, empty the chamber pots, Megloo, tend the garden! Megloo, sleep in the dung heap with the rot grubs!
(Begins to sob wistfully)
Oh, how I’ll miss you, village!
(Sad music)
Narrator:
Megloo walked the great road for days, bemoaning his ill fortune and lowly station. His grief was so great he noticed not his increasing peril, for he had wandered into the realm of the dread Snail Lord...
(MM walks into the road, in a decrepit and spooky giant lettuce patch. He does not notice a gigantic brooding snail who wakes up out of his shell at the sound of weeping.)
MM: (weeping openly)
Bwahwaahwaaa!!!! Cruel fate! Why have the gods cursed me with this lowly form? By the same turn I could have been a mighty warrior, tall and strong! Or a clever gnome wizard, with magic bones and spells of power. But alas! Alack! I am cast out as the stupid, the ugly, the... the..
SNAIL LORD:
The delicious!
(“Rushes” forward, trapping Megloo beneath him)
MM:
Egad! My luck has increased! Now I am as helpless as a lettuce leaf.
SL:
Hahaha! Wretched creature, you have oozed into my domain. Soon I, the Snail Lord, will devour you, my little morsel. I smell upon you the savory tang of rotten radishes, dung heaps, and barley juice. Pray, what manner of creature are you? You must be a baron at least to be scented so... uniquely...
MM:
Snail King, I am a mere gully dwarf. The lowest of the despised! Cast out and spat upon, the dregs of society!
(Musical interlude: “Dregs of Society”)
I’m the side of life that noone likes to see
I don’t contribute to the economy
Everywhere I go people pull away their kids
They don’t want em to know that people like me exist
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty
Everywhere I’m at the property value goes down
Nobody ever wants me to be around
People wish that I would just go away
But I ain’t got nowhere to go so I’m here to stay
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty (Repeat)
SL:
How very amusing. Such fun! All this excitement has certainly given me a tremendous appetite.
Megloo:
Uh Oh. Snail King, I beg you not to eat me. Think of the indig- indi- uh, stomach ache.
SL:
Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should devour half of you now, and half later. That way I shall have a snack after my nap.
MM:
I must voice my objection.
SL:
Very well. I will let you choose for me. Which half of you should I devour first- the left or the right? (hears a noise) Wait a moment! Do you hear that rustling sound in the forest beyond? What new flavor approaches now?
Megloo:
Oh, terror and dread!
(Cowers behind a lettuce head)
(ENTER SHALOM SH’LOCK, a tall, flamboyant wizard dressed in lavish wizardly robes, and several bags and pouches hanging from his belt. In one hand he is constantly and wildly gesticulating with a pair of scissors. He is entranced by a large flower opposite the Snail Lord, and walks up to it.)
SS:
Ah, what a glorious specimen! (stoops to sniff)
Snail Lord: (to Megloo)
Wait right here.
(he starts towards Shalom at an infinitesimally slow pace)
SS(not noticing the snail):
Bebir, come before me!
(waves hands mystically.)
(Poof! Enter Bebir, a small red demonic creature with tentacles drooping from its face)
Bebir:
Yes, Master! How can I serve you this time?
SS:
Tell me Bebir, what is this flower? Its beauty dims the very sun, and its fragrance makes the finest perfumes in the kingdom shrivel the nostril by comparison.
Bebir:
Oh everlucky master Shalom Sh’lock. The flower you speak of is the famed Rugondis blossom. Its nectar can be fermented to make a powerful poison…or a delicious beverage! Its petals can be boiled to produce perfume delightful beyond reckoning. The stem- well, you throw away the stem. It’s useless.
SS:
What a glorious discovery! I have heard of this flower. Its aroma is known in the most decadent parlors and palaces, where pallid ladies blush at its mere mention. With this scent in my arsenal of grooming, I will commit acts of delicious barbary, and trim the finest beards in the land!
Bebir:
Yes Master! (looks behind S.S. at the Snail Lord, who is gradually approaching.) It occurs to me that I’ve never seen you coated in slime.
SS:
Hahahahaha! Bebir, you delight me with your outlandish jokes. I will never be coated- whoa!!! (as he is attacked by Snail Lord.)
Treacherous servant! Bebir, why did you not warn me?
Bebir:
I was thinking about you covered with slime! Tee hee hee!!!
(Battle ensues)
MM: (conflicted, peeks out from behind the lettuce)
What should I do? If the snail lord is victorious, I may be spared his wrath.
Snail Lord (while battling, calls over his shoulder)
Don’t bet on it!
MM:
But if I help this strange barber, I may lose my standing in the Cowards’ Guild.
(adventurous music)
(Megloo decides after brief mental torpor)
I have deci- uh, deci- uh, chosed.
(Megloo joins the battle, and strikes the final blow against Snail Lord.)
Snail Lord: (in death throes)
Alack! To be slain by one’s own snack…
(dies)
SS:
Well done, my pungent friend! You have my gratitude! I was very nearly the main course.
Megloo:
Well… er…
SS:
As a show of thanks for such bravery, I will bestow upon you a boon. What would you have me do?
Megloo:
Um, actually, I think-
SS:
Aha! I see that for you, no gawdy trinkets of piles of gold and jewels will suffice to pay my debt. What you need, O brave wretch, is the one thing I can give you.
Megloo:
Er, what’s that?
SS:
Why, the gift of grooming! I am the greatest barber in the world. I will trim your beard, and cut your hair. Your skin will glow, your nails will gleam. Even your lice will be clean and well-manicured. You will be my greatest challenge and my boldest triumph!
Megloo(overcome with emotion):
What kindness! You have offered to take away my abundant grime, so that I should merely be an ugly and stupid dwarf. I don’t deserve you as a friend. Allow me to embrace you. Come here! One kiss of thanks!
Shalom (nimbly avoiding contact):
No thank you! We must begin to remedy your stench without delay! Sit down here!
(produces a complicated kit and ties a sheet around Megloo)
A trim here! A snip there! A dab of perfume… Er… A SPLASH of perfume!
(Megloo cannot be seen as Shalom does his work)
Megloo:
That tickles!
Shalom:
Quiet please! This is the most difficult part. With the petals of this Rugondis blossom, I will cast a powerful magic glamour upon you. You will be the most attractive gully dwarf ever known.
(begins casting)
Megloo:
That smell!
Shalom:
Sssh!
(continues casting)
Megloo:
Ah… Ah… Choo!
Shalom:
Noooooooo…
(chaos and noise ensue)
Shalom:
Gadzooks! The spell has gone awry! What has happened?
Megloo:
I feel pecli-pecul- uh… weird.
Shalom:
Why did you have to sneeze? My spell was disrupted!
(silence as both of them notice Megloo’s hands, which have become an oversized claw and drooping tentacle, respectively. They look at each other, somewhat disbelieving)
Megloo:
Ummm… How long will it last?
Shalom:
Beg Pardon?
Megloo:
Er, I said, how long will it-
Shalom:
What beauty! What an entrancing form I have created! My magical barbary has made you delightful indeed to behold. Neither man nor animal, you have become… a MONGREL MAN!!! (suddenly in a hurry)
Well, my accidental swan, I see my work here is done. Goodbye for now. So Looooooong!...
(EXIT SHALOM)
Megloo:
But what about… my hands?
(sobs)
Oh, woe upon woe! I was content to be merely the ugliest dwarf in the land. But now I smell of flower petals and shampoo, and I am the ugliest creature of all! And life’s only pleasure has been taken from me. (cries into his claw, then suddenly changes moods)
Well, at least the worst is over.
(Walks a few steps and steps into a bear trap. Sighs and shrugs, then howls in pain and falls to the ground)
(END ACT 1)
(The outskirts of a medieval village)
Narrator:
Once upon a time, at the edge of the Silver Kingdom, there was a small, quaint village filled with kind and simple folk. With strong backs and kind hearts they worked the land, taking in any stranger willing to lend a hand. They even took in a wandering gully dwarf, the most lowly, ugly, and stupid creature in the land. But there was no end to their kindness in their hearts, for they were-
(Narrator interrupted by commotion as Megloo Morkath appears on stage. Villagers enter an stay at Stage Left, hurling garbage and insults at the lowly bearded dwarf.)
Villager #1:
Begone from this village, foul wretch! You’ve darkened our doorstep long enough!
Megloo Morkath:
But-
Villager #2:
He’s blighted the onion patch!
MM:
But-
Villager #3:
He’s soiled the radishes!
MM:
But-
Villager #4:
The cattle give no milk!
Villager #3:
The well has gone black!
Villager #2:
He’s given me the love pox!
(Uncomfortable silence as the villagers eye their companion, then regroup in song. The villagers trade off ,singing a line or so each from the song before the next, chorus is sung together)
The village isn’t what it used to be
We toil and scratch at soil in misery
The crops have failed and Market Day is near
Someone is to blame
Someone’s not the same
There’s been naught but trouble since the day he came
It’s the Gully Dwarf
The gully dwarf
The gully dwarf’s to blame
The rubbish heap is where he makes his bed
Lice and fleas infest his bearded head
A more disgusting sight I’ve never seen
He’s always got the splats
His sack is filled with rats
When I pass by I kick him in the slats
It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Stretch him on the rack!
It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Begone and don’t come back!
Villager #1:
To think that we once trusted him to catch our plague rats. Begone, Megloo Morkath!
Villagers (in unison):
Banish him!!!
(In a hail of garbage MM cowers ands flees down the road.)
Villager #2:
And don’t come back!
(VILLAGERS EXIT)
MM:
Humph! That’s a fine way to thank me, after all these weeks of service. Megloo, catch the plague rats. Megloo, empty the chamber pots, Megloo, tend the garden! Megloo, sleep in the dung heap with the rot grubs!
(Begins to sob wistfully)
Oh, how I’ll miss you, village!
(Sad music)
Narrator:
Megloo walked the great road for days, bemoaning his ill fortune and lowly station. His grief was so great he noticed not his increasing peril, for he had wandered into the realm of the dread Snail Lord...
(MM walks into the road, in a decrepit and spooky giant lettuce patch. He does not notice a gigantic brooding snail who wakes up out of his shell at the sound of weeping.)
MM: (weeping openly)
Bwahwaahwaaa!!!! Cruel fate! Why have the gods cursed me with this lowly form? By the same turn I could have been a mighty warrior, tall and strong! Or a clever gnome wizard, with magic bones and spells of power. But alas! Alack! I am cast out as the stupid, the ugly, the... the..
SNAIL LORD:
The delicious!
(“Rushes” forward, trapping Megloo beneath him)
MM:
Egad! My luck has increased! Now I am as helpless as a lettuce leaf.
SL:
Hahaha! Wretched creature, you have oozed into my domain. Soon I, the Snail Lord, will devour you, my little morsel. I smell upon you the savory tang of rotten radishes, dung heaps, and barley juice. Pray, what manner of creature are you? You must be a baron at least to be scented so... uniquely...
MM:
Snail King, I am a mere gully dwarf. The lowest of the despised! Cast out and spat upon, the dregs of society!
(Musical interlude: “Dregs of Society”)
I’m the side of life that noone likes to see
I don’t contribute to the economy
Everywhere I go people pull away their kids
They don’t want em to know that people like me exist
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty
Everywhere I’m at the property value goes down
Nobody ever wants me to be around
People wish that I would just go away
But I ain’t got nowhere to go so I’m here to stay
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty (Repeat)
SL:
How very amusing. Such fun! All this excitement has certainly given me a tremendous appetite.
Megloo:
Uh Oh. Snail King, I beg you not to eat me. Think of the indig- indi- uh, stomach ache.
SL:
Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should devour half of you now, and half later. That way I shall have a snack after my nap.
MM:
I must voice my objection.
SL:
Very well. I will let you choose for me. Which half of you should I devour first- the left or the right? (hears a noise) Wait a moment! Do you hear that rustling sound in the forest beyond? What new flavor approaches now?
Megloo:
Oh, terror and dread!
(Cowers behind a lettuce head)
(ENTER SHALOM SH’LOCK, a tall, flamboyant wizard dressed in lavish wizardly robes, and several bags and pouches hanging from his belt. In one hand he is constantly and wildly gesticulating with a pair of scissors. He is entranced by a large flower opposite the Snail Lord, and walks up to it.)
SS:
Ah, what a glorious specimen! (stoops to sniff)
Snail Lord: (to Megloo)
Wait right here.
(he starts towards Shalom at an infinitesimally slow pace)
SS(not noticing the snail):
Bebir, come before me!
(waves hands mystically.)
(Poof! Enter Bebir, a small red demonic creature with tentacles drooping from its face)
Bebir:
Yes, Master! How can I serve you this time?
SS:
Tell me Bebir, what is this flower? Its beauty dims the very sun, and its fragrance makes the finest perfumes in the kingdom shrivel the nostril by comparison.
Bebir:
Oh everlucky master Shalom Sh’lock. The flower you speak of is the famed Rugondis blossom. Its nectar can be fermented to make a powerful poison…or a delicious beverage! Its petals can be boiled to produce perfume delightful beyond reckoning. The stem- well, you throw away the stem. It’s useless.
SS:
What a glorious discovery! I have heard of this flower. Its aroma is known in the most decadent parlors and palaces, where pallid ladies blush at its mere mention. With this scent in my arsenal of grooming, I will commit acts of delicious barbary, and trim the finest beards in the land!
Bebir:
Yes Master! (looks behind S.S. at the Snail Lord, who is gradually approaching.) It occurs to me that I’ve never seen you coated in slime.
SS:
Hahahahaha! Bebir, you delight me with your outlandish jokes. I will never be coated- whoa!!! (as he is attacked by Snail Lord.)
Treacherous servant! Bebir, why did you not warn me?
Bebir:
I was thinking about you covered with slime! Tee hee hee!!!
(Battle ensues)
MM: (conflicted, peeks out from behind the lettuce)
What should I do? If the snail lord is victorious, I may be spared his wrath.
Snail Lord (while battling, calls over his shoulder)
Don’t bet on it!
MM:
But if I help this strange barber, I may lose my standing in the Cowards’ Guild.
(adventurous music)
(Megloo decides after brief mental torpor)
I have deci- uh, deci- uh, chosed.
(Megloo joins the battle, and strikes the final blow against Snail Lord.)
Snail Lord: (in death throes)
Alack! To be slain by one’s own snack…
(dies)
SS:
Well done, my pungent friend! You have my gratitude! I was very nearly the main course.
Megloo:
Well… er…
SS:
As a show of thanks for such bravery, I will bestow upon you a boon. What would you have me do?
Megloo:
Um, actually, I think-
SS:
Aha! I see that for you, no gawdy trinkets of piles of gold and jewels will suffice to pay my debt. What you need, O brave wretch, is the one thing I can give you.
Megloo:
Er, what’s that?
SS:
Why, the gift of grooming! I am the greatest barber in the world. I will trim your beard, and cut your hair. Your skin will glow, your nails will gleam. Even your lice will be clean and well-manicured. You will be my greatest challenge and my boldest triumph!
Megloo(overcome with emotion):
What kindness! You have offered to take away my abundant grime, so that I should merely be an ugly and stupid dwarf. I don’t deserve you as a friend. Allow me to embrace you. Come here! One kiss of thanks!
Shalom (nimbly avoiding contact):
No thank you! We must begin to remedy your stench without delay! Sit down here!
(produces a complicated kit and ties a sheet around Megloo)
A trim here! A snip there! A dab of perfume… Er… A SPLASH of perfume!
(Megloo cannot be seen as Shalom does his work)
Megloo:
That tickles!
Shalom:
Quiet please! This is the most difficult part. With the petals of this Rugondis blossom, I will cast a powerful magic glamour upon you. You will be the most attractive gully dwarf ever known.
(begins casting)
Megloo:
That smell!
Shalom:
Sssh!
(continues casting)
Megloo:
Ah… Ah… Choo!
Shalom:
Noooooooo…
(chaos and noise ensue)
Shalom:
Gadzooks! The spell has gone awry! What has happened?
Megloo:
I feel pecli-pecul- uh… weird.
Shalom:
Why did you have to sneeze? My spell was disrupted!
(silence as both of them notice Megloo’s hands, which have become an oversized claw and drooping tentacle, respectively. They look at each other, somewhat disbelieving)
Megloo:
Ummm… How long will it last?
Shalom:
Beg Pardon?
Megloo:
Er, I said, how long will it-
Shalom:
What beauty! What an entrancing form I have created! My magical barbary has made you delightful indeed to behold. Neither man nor animal, you have become… a MONGREL MAN!!! (suddenly in a hurry)
Well, my accidental swan, I see my work here is done. Goodbye for now. So Looooooong!...
(EXIT SHALOM)
Megloo:
But what about… my hands?
(sobs)
Oh, woe upon woe! I was content to be merely the ugliest dwarf in the land. But now I smell of flower petals and shampoo, and I am the ugliest creature of all! And life’s only pleasure has been taken from me. (cries into his claw, then suddenly changes moods)
Well, at least the worst is over.
(Walks a few steps and steps into a bear trap. Sighs and shrugs, then howls in pain and falls to the ground)
(END ACT 1)
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