Enter the Mongrelman's topics - tribe.net

Audio mongrels

professorplague — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 00:22:03 GMT

Good news Mongrelman fans! The audio recording is underway, with basic dialogue tracks laid down like a screaming damsel on railroad tracks. Thanks to all who came out and helped. We've still got a long way to go but this is a great start!

posted in Enter the Mongrelman - 1 reply

the radio play

banjolismo — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 06:26:50 GMT

we must continue to work on this, I think it is a good step to accomplishing the over all goal of the project. even with multiple castings of characters. thoughts on sound effects? let's make time to sit down & story board for the comic strip. action figures? wait! when you hear this sound "doink" that means, turn the page. "doink"

posted in Enter the Mongrelman - 1 reply

Cast of Characters

professorplague — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 17:49:48 GMT

Here is the cast of characters for the play, with a brief description. [S] indicates a singing role:

Megloo Morkath…[S](Gully Dwarf/Mongrelman)

An ugly, stupid, happy-go-unlucky gully dwarf who sleeps in garbage and ekes out a living doing the wretched, filthy tasks nobody else wants to do.

Villagers…[S](at least 5)

They are the salt of the earth; peasants who blame their own misfortunes on the scapegoat of the moment...usually Megloo Morkath

Snail Lord…(giant carnivorous snail)

Imposing and voracious, the Snail Lord thinks of nothing but devouring and sleeping.

Shelom Shelock the Everlucky…(a flamboyant wizard/barber)

A master of both mystical magic and fabulous grooming, Shelom is possessed of almost supernatural self-confidence.

Bebir…(a fire elemental; Shelom’s familiar)

The 999th son of the Efreeti lord, Bebir is Shelom's mischievous transdimensional servant from the elemental Plane of Fire.

Narrator

Someone who can narrate a fairy tale.

Gastagog the Nice… (Necromancer)

Once the royal cook, Gastagog plots revenge from his tower. Gastagog is an evil genius bent on dominating the world. Can you blame him?

Hench…(The Necromancer’s black hearted torturer)

Hench is Gastagog's hired muscle. He delights in the suffering of others, especially elves.

Gorgorum…(The Necromancer’s undead jester)

Even necromancers need a little company once in a while. So Gastagog raised this zombie jester to provide him with yuks and stimulating conversation.

Lethos, the Yellow Knight…(a hopelessly noble knight)

A champion for all that is good and decent, Lethos hopes to one day be a full-fledged captain in the Silver Kingdom. Pathetic, isn't it?

Ogre…(duh!)

Ogre lives in a cave in the woods and eats whatever he can bash into submission.

Konstable Tervis…[S] (a plodding turtle-man cop)

Tervis is the slow but steady arm of the Law. Don't underestimate him. He's got a badge on that shell.

posted in Enter the Mongrelman - 1 reply

sounds like me

peggo-leggo — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 05:12:20 GMT

Megloo Morkath, the ugliest, lowliest creature in the land, and his misadventures.

wow this dude can be my twin brother, if I hade one

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When? Where?

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 01:00:46 GMT

Okay, this looks interesting. Perhaps its already been mentioned, but can you please state where and when the play is to be presented?

posted in Enter the Mongrelman - 4 replies

Act III (Scene 2): The Turnips of Kindness

professorplague — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:09:48 GMT

Scene 2

(A village square, decorated for a medieval bazaar. Shelom Shelok stands up on a fruit cart, trying to evade and calm down a group of angry peasants.)

Shelom Shelok:

Please, please, form a neat line and I will groom you all in good time!

Villager #1:

We’ve had enough of yer perfumes and witcheries, Everlucky!

Villager #2:
Look at my hair! He promised I’d be the envy of the entire village. Do any of you envy my ill groomings?

All villagers(In unison):
No!

Villager #3:

This Shelom Shelok promised me a perfume none would forget.

Shelom Shelok:

On that count, I think, time will prove me right.

(villagers roar in renewed anger)

Shelom Shelok:

My good, simple dirt-scratchers. I will put right whatever is wrong. Obviously the herbs in your valley are substandard. For a mere 20 silver, I will put all to rights.

(villagers roar in anger)

Shelom Shelok:

Very well, very well. Fifteen silver pieces?

Villager #2:

There’s only one thing to do!

Villager #1:

Only one way to set this right!

Villagers:

Konstable Tervis!!!

(Music begins playing)
(ENTER KONSTABLE TERVIS, a plodding, dour-faced turtle adorned with a policeman’s cap and a sheriff’s star)
(Musical Number: “Konstable Tervis”)

My name is Konstable Tervis
And round these parts I uphold, the Waw
And if I catch you committing any inwaction
I will awwest you

So you’d best not break the waw
Or I will come- for- you

Now some people say I do not do my job well
Because of my slow pace
And my turtle shell
But let me tell you
Evewy single one of you would be cwiminals
You can run But you can’t hide
From the turtle man
So you’d best not break the Waw
Or I will come for you

Tervis:

What seems to be the twouble here?

Villagers:

He’s Shelom Shelok! The Barber-bandit! He’s a witch! He’s a charlatan!
Arrest him!

Tervis:

These are vewy sewious charges, Mister Shewom Shewok. How do you pwead?

Shelom Shelok:

I have diplomatic immunity from these accusations. The duchess is a close personal friend of mine.

Tervis:

Weawwy? Well, then, Wet’s see some documentation, then.

Shelom Shelok(searching through various scrolls and pouches):

Ah, hmm, yes, er, I know I have it here somewhere.

Tervis(looking at a pocketwatch):

You are wunning out of time to compwy with my wequest.

Shelom Shelok:

Ah yes, perhaps my servant has it. Bebir!

(a flash, and then BEBIR appears)

Bebir:

Yes, Master?

Shelom:

Would you please bring me my notice of diplomatic immunity from the duchess?

Bebir:

But you don’t have any-

Shelom Shelok (cutting him off desperately):
Yes, Bebir, I recall I left it on the duchess’ nightstand. Please fetch it for me. Please…

Bebir:

(sighs) I’ll see what I can scare up.

(EXIT BEBIR)

Shelom Shelok:

If ever there was a time for Lady Luck to leave my side…

(Just then the villagers see Megloo, the Yellow Knight, and Gorgorum.)

Yellow Knight:

Look! We’ve made it to Market Day! Just in time for the festivities!

Megloo:

Hi folks!

Tervis:

Wait just a minute here. Who are you?

Megloo:

I’m Megloo Morkath, and I’ve traveled many days to be here. I have a great sack of turnips.

Villager:
Turnips! Who are your companions, wretched traveler?

Gorgorum:

(tipping hat)
Gorgorum, undead jester at your service, from the court of…er…Gastagog…the Nice.

Yellow Knight:

(bowing)
I am Lethos, Yellow Knight and guardian of the turnips of kindness.

Village Soothsayer:

It is him! The destroyer has come!

Yellow Knight:

Beg Pardon?

Village Soothsayer:

The ancient prophecies foretold this day. Nyarlathotep, The King in Yellow, has come. The age of chaos has begun!

(Villagers gasp and whisper nervously)

(Musical interlude: “The King in Yellow”)

I remember when the stranger first appeared
It was the thing we all feared
And the words that he spoke sent terror through our minds
“Have you seen the Yellow Sign?”

(Chorus)
Coming in the age of chaos; Coming with the yellow sign
He is the messenger of the destruction of mankind

All the people weak of mind and wild beasts
Knelt down at his feet
So behind the pallid mask we hid away
We knew it was our final days

(Chorus)

I am the king in yellow
Come to claim the throne
I am the crawling chaos
That gnaws upon men’s bones

I am the one whose coming
Is foretold by the yellow sign
I am Nyarlahotep
This new Aeon shall be mine

He is the crawling chaos
The three globed burning eye
The sound of depravity and insanity
As you realize your world is a lie

Nyarlahotep! EA! (4x)

And so…
Terror death destruction swept the land
With a wave of his hand
And in this time the elder gods returned
To cleanse and take back the earth

(Chorus)

Yellow Knight(a little flustered and disturbed):

How…how absurd!

Megloo:

I think you’re mistaken, folks. He’s really nice. He helped carry my turnips all the way here.

Tervis:

Vewy Intewesting. May I see your permit?

Megloo:

Huh?

Tervis:

You must have the pwoper paperwork in order to sell turnips. Otherwise, you are in Viowation of Section 45-C23Z.

Yellow Knight:

But- But-

Megloo:

(Breaking down into tears)
After all this chasing and whipping and groveling and walking and… Now I’ll never get my hands back.

Tervis:

I’m afwaid you’ll have to come in for questioning.

Shelom Shelok:

Please, noble Konstable. I know you are a turtle of law and order. But this lowly mongrelman is of stout heart. He saved me from certain death at the hands of the Dreaded Snail Lord. Please spare him the brunt of your legal wrath. Punish me instead if you must.

Tervis:

Welllllllll… As it happens there was a weward for anyone who killed the Snail Lord. He had illegally nibbled at the king’s Wettuce. But there is still the matter of selling turnips without a permit.

Gorgorum:

But Konstable, Megloo Morkath is not selling these turnips. He gives them away.

(the villagers seem astounded)

Tervis:

Well… There’s no waw against that.

Yellow Knight:

Turnips for everybody!!
(begins handing out turnips)

Villagers(in unison):
Huzzah!!!!

(Enter Bebir)
I’m back, master! I brought a favor from the duchess!
(he holds out a bit of lacy garter)

Tervis:
I suppose that will suffice for now.

(confiscates garter)

Shelom Shelok:

Hahahaha! What excellent timing, Bebir! See how happy these villagers are? Our work is done here. Let us leave with no delay!
Farewellllllll……

(EXIT BEBIR and SHELOM SHELOK)

(Meanwhile the villagers are eating the turnips; they slowly get sick and die. Megloo and the Yellow Knight are oblivious to this.)

Yellow Knight:

Say Megloo… Uh, it shames me to ask a favor of you, who have been my key to salvation. Because of you, I have committed acts of kindness toward the innocent and weak. And I will surely be promoted to Silver Captain.

(Gorgorum begins chortling gently)

Megloo:

Um, what do you need? Do you have lice?

Yellow Knight:

No! Well, yes… But I was wondering…may I have a bit of turnip? I have not eaten in many days.

Megloo:

Hmmm… OK. There’s only, um (tries to think) one left.

Yellow Knight (laughing):

Mongrelman, you are truly an example to us all.
(He takes a bite of turnip, just as the villagers begin to rise up as zombies.)
(Gorgorum laughs and begins a musical dirge- er, epilogue)

(Curtain)

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Act III (Scene I): Knight of the Plague

professorplague — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:05:10 GMT

Act III
“Knight of the Plague”
Scene 1

(A meadow in the forest. Megloo Morkath lies sleeping noisily. Gorgorum stands over him looking annoyed and bored. As dawn approaches, Gorgorum kicks MM awake.)

Megloo:

Oof! By the smudges, why do you torment me so?

Gorgorum:

Dawn approaches, Mongrel-man. We must make haste or fail our quest.

Megloo:

Your master must be kind indeed to give away such juicy turnips. In my village, eating a turnip was said to cure love blisters.

Gorgorum(hesitates):

Er,indeed. Master Gastagog is deeply interested in the suffering of peasants. Including you, Ugly one.

Megloo:

Thanks so much! I just wish I had my real hands, so I could carry this sack better.

Gorgorum:

Your agony will build character.

(commotion in the distance. Suddenly a blonde knight in golden armor runs on stage, apparently retreating from something. He carries a broken sword and a dented, dilapidated shield)

Yellow Knight:

You may have won this round, cruel foe, but I’ll be back! Good always triumphs over evil! (forces a laugh) Haha!

Ogre (from off stage):

Har Har! Come back any time, puny manling. I’ll mop my cave with your pretty golden locks! Ah hahahahahaha!

(Knight looks at his broken sword, and his shoulders hunch in despair. He begins to weep uncontrollably)

Megloo:

Uh… Something wrong, sir?

Yellow Knight(startled, trying to choke back tears):

No! Everything… is splendid. The sun shines down on another glorious day, another chance for me to prove my valor.

Gorgorum:

It looks as though you had your chance today.

(Knight recoils as if slapped and begins weeping again.)

Megloo:

Are you a wizard?

Yellow Knight:

No, my young squire. I am Lethos, a Warrior of Light, sworn to protect all that is good and right.

Megloo:

What happened to your sword?

Yellow Knight:

Little friend, you ask many questions, but I will answer you fair and true. I met with a most grievous foe, a creature of vile and powerful evil beyond even my powers. The hated Ogre of the Woods, who gobbles the innocent and pure.

Gorgorum:

It’s not too late. Go back there and prove your valor to me.

Megloo:

When I see an Ogre, I hide until he leaves. They like to stomp us. Why did you attack him?

Yellow Knight:

I have embarked from the Silver City on a self-appointed quest to promote goodness. Only when I have successfully championed the innocent and weak will I be a full Silver Captain. Until that day, I remain the
Yellow Knight.
Now that I have answered three questions, my ugly friend, I should deign to ask of thee: What is your name, and what dangerous quest brings you upon the Necromancer’s road?

Megloo:

I’m uh, Megloo Morkath. I’m taking these turnips to Market. I’m going to give them to the peasants.

Yellow Knight:

Give them away? Oh ho ho! My poor dear mongrel, you seem to be having a bit of trouble bearing the fruits of kindness.

Megloo:

Uh, I guess so.

Yellow Knight:

Perhaps I can help you with your burden. Will you allow me to carry your sack?

Megloo:

Gee… um… I don’t know… It’s my responsi- responsibuh- my job.

Yellow Knight:

Pleaaaase, squire Morkath. Allow me to do you such a kindness, and accompany you and your…companion… to ease your torment and promote the goodness of free turnips for all!

Megloo:
Er…

Ogre’s voice (from offstage):

Turnips?! Me want turnips! Give!
(roars)

(Megloo abruptly hands Yellow Knight the sack)
Megloo:

Here ya go!

Yellow Knight:

I am in your debt.

Gorgorum:

You know, since we’re giving those turnips away, there’s no reason the Ogre can’t have one.

Yellow Knight:

Hmmm… Perhaps you are right, O rotting companion.

(reaches into sack and calls offstage, looking up at ‘Ogre’)

Ho there! Ogre of the woods! Will you agree to a truce in exchange for a turnip, and commit no further evils upon my flesh?

Ogre(still offstage):

Hungry! Give Turnip! Me no smash you!

Yellow Knight:

Very Well. With this turnip of goodwill, I usher in a new age!
(tosses turnip offstage)

Ogre(between chewing sounds):

Mmmm! Turnip! Ohhhhhhh!
(belches)
Oh, Ogre feel weird…

Yellow Knight:

Already the feeling of joy spreads throughout the land! Come friends, Let us dally no longer. The peasants await!

(End Scene I)

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Act II: The Tears of the Necromancer

professorplague — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:02:22 GMT

ACT II: “The tears of the necromancer”
Scene 1:
(A great hall/throne room in the Necromancer’s tower. The Necromancer stands over a steaming cauldron, humming wickedly. Next to the cauldron there s a table loaded with various bones and putrid-looking objects. Nearby, a zombie in a jester’s outfit stands waiting passively, musical instrument in hand)

Necromancer: (chants out a spell in a foul tongue)

At last, the final stage of my recipe!

(pours into the cauldron from a jug marked with a skull and crossbones)

Necromancer:

Just a pinch of filth…. And a dash of despair…. A fungus grown from a dragon’s loins…. Gorgorum!

(Gestures to undead lackey)

Gorgorum:

Buh?

Necromancer:

Come hither, my undead lackey!

(Gorgorum shambles over in classic zombie fashion. Necromancer dips into the cauldron with a spoon and holds it up)

Necromancer:

Here, taste this.

Gorgorum:

Uhhhh…. It’s putrid enough. Something is missing though.

Necromancer:

Indeed. What criticism could your decaying taste buds possibly level at my foul brew?

Gorgorum:
(tasting again)
It needs more… braiiiiiins!

Necromancer(rolling eyes):

I knew that was coming…

Gorgorum:

Are you giving up necromancy now? You could make more coin in the inn selling this stew.

Necromancer:

Stew? This is no mere stew, you mouldering moron. It is the product of 60 years of research, treachery and bloodshed. An ancient recipe for plague and pestilence. Behold... ghoul-ash, the taste of Evil!

(Gorgorum peers into the cauldron skeptically, then back to the Necromancer)

Gorgorum:

It’s not that bad.

Necromancer:

Not Bad?! I was once the royal family’s personal chef. Before they banished me. Me! Gastagog! The dark lord of cookery!

Gorgorum:

But you poisoned the prince. On his wedding night.

Necromancer:

He insulted my fondue. And since that day, I have plotted my revenge upon the Silver Kingdom. And finally, tonight, my plan will bear its bitter fruit. Bring forth the turnips!

(Gorgorum brings the turnips. Gastagog drops them in the cauldron).

Necromancer:

So you see, my rotting companion, once the pitiful peasants nibble at these turnips, a great and terrible plague will begin. Those who die will rise again after 3 days, as mindless zombies under my control. From this wretched mass I will forge an army of undead, and sweep across the land...

Gorgorum:

How delightfully wicked! But how will these accursed turnips find their way to the mouths of the human scum? Your arch-enemies, The Guardians of Light, have banished you from the kingdom. And none but the most brainless traveler would buy turnips from you.

Necromancer(annoyed):

And anyone with brains, you would eat.

(just then a commotion erupts from the side of the stage. Megloo Morkath falls onto the stage, as if pushed forward. Behind him is a cruel-looking green-skinned monster with a whip. He whips Megloo and laughs)

Megloo:

Please! Stop! Ouch! (etc.)
(shields himself with claw)

Hench:
Ha ha ha! There’s more where that came from!

(Hench comes before Necromancer)

Hench:

Greetings, Master. I return from the valley of Men.

Necromancer:

You’ve been gone for nearly a week. What tidings do you bring me?

Hench:

The humans are like fat sows, preparing for Market Day. They hide in their homes at night and frighten children with your name.

Necromancer:

Ex-cellent. And what of this…

(gestures at Megloo confusedly)

Necromancer:
this…thing here?

Megloo (stammering with fear):

M-m-m-m-meh-meh-

Hench: (whipping Megloo)

I found this one in one of my elf-traps. He didn’t have the sense to chew his own leg off.

Gorgorum:

That’s the ugliest elf I’ve ever seen! I thought the elves disposed of ugly children.

Necromancer(turning to look at MM):

You blithering corpse! This is no elf. He’s a gully dwarf… isn’t he?

Megloo:

Um, yes, I-I-I am. Uh, M-Megloo Muh-muh-morkath, sir mister wizard sir. How do you know?

Hench:

What in rot’s sake is a gully dwarf?

Necromancer:

I have learned many things in my studies of the wretched and perverse. This, my verdant minion, ranks among the most wretched creatures in the world. He is a gully dwarf, the filthiest, mostly lowly cousin of Man. His brain is like a rotting pumpkin.

Gorgorum:

Somehow I’ve lost my appetite.

Necromancer:
(sniffs)

But he has the smell of rugandis perfume upon him.

(sniffs again)

And magic! From the look of things, some wizard used him for an experiment. It’s not a bad idea, but it can be so messy.

Megloo:

Are you a wizard, sir?

Necromancer:

Me? Hmm, goodness no, I’m a farmer.

Gorgorum(leering):

We harvest suffering.

Necromancer:

But I know a few little tricks.

Megloo:

Could you fix my arms? I could clean your sewer in return. Please, please, help me. I’ll do anything.
(begins groveling at Necromancer’s feet)

Hench(whipping Megloo):

Ugly vermin! None dare touch the master. I’ll feed your eyes to the rats!

Necromancer (thinking):

Silence! I might be able to assist you with your problem, Gully-dwarf.

Gorgorum & Hench:

What?

Necromancer:

But first you must help me with mine.

Megloo Morkath:

Ooh! What is it? Your trash heap? Your chimney?

Necromancer:

Market Day is coming fast, Megloo. I need an honest minion to take these turnips to town, and give them away to the good people of the village.

(Gorgorum and Hench try to contain their laughter and look at each other knowingly)

Megloo:

Give them away? You must be a nice wizard.

Necromancer:

The nicest in the land. In fact, if anyone asks you whose turnips you give away, tell them Gastagog the Nice.

Megloo:

(getting emotional)
Gee, thanks. I don’t know what to-

Necromancer:

Yes, yes. Go, quickly. It’s a 3-day hike to the nearest village. Gorgorum will help guide you to the proper place.

Gorgorum: (grumbling)

As you wish, master.

Neromancer(suddenly menacing):

Begone!

(Exit Megloo and Gorgorum)

Hench:

Master Gastagog, do you think that witless pair can fulfill your quest? One is brainless and free from cares, and the other is dead and cares only for brains.

Necromancer:

Trust in Chaos, O foul Hench. Once the penniless peasantry find our turnip-laden gully dwarf, they will rip him apart, brains or no brains. Then, as they feast…

Hench:
The Plague Eternal!

(Hench and Necromancer laugh maniacally)

(END ACT II)

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Act I

professorplague — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 17:52:36 GMT

ACT I

(The outskirts of a medieval village)

Narrator:

Once upon a time, at the edge of the Silver Kingdom, there was a small, quaint village filled with kind and simple folk. With strong backs and kind hearts they worked the land, taking in any stranger willing to lend a hand. They even took in a wandering gully dwarf, the most lowly, ugly, and stupid creature in the land. But there was no end to their kindness in their hearts, for they were-

(Narrator interrupted by commotion as Megloo Morkath appears on stage. Villagers enter an stay at Stage Left, hurling garbage and insults at the lowly bearded dwarf.)

Villager #1:

Begone from this village, foul wretch! You’ve darkened our doorstep long enough!

Megloo Morkath:

But-

Villager #2:

He’s blighted the onion patch!

MM:

But-

Villager #3:

He’s soiled the radishes!

MM:

But-

Villager #4:

The cattle give no milk!

Villager #3:

The well has gone black!

Villager #2:

He’s given me the love pox!

(Uncomfortable silence as the villagers eye their companion, then regroup in song. The villagers trade off ,singing a line or so each from the song before the next, chorus is sung together)

The village isn’t what it used to be

We toil and scratch at soil in misery

The crops have failed and Market Day is near

Someone is to blame

Someone’s not the same

There’s been naught but trouble since the day he came

It’s the Gully Dwarf

The gully dwarf

The gully dwarf’s to blame

The rubbish heap is where he makes his bed
Lice and fleas infest his bearded head
A more disgusting sight I’ve never seen

He’s always got the splats
His sack is filled with rats
When I pass by I kick him in the slats

It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Stretch him on the rack!

It’s the gully dwarf
Gully dwarf
Begone and don’t come back!

Villager #1:

To think that we once trusted him to catch our plague rats. Begone, Megloo Morkath!

Villagers (in unison):

Banish him!!!

(In a hail of garbage MM cowers ands flees down the road.)

Villager #2:

And don’t come back!

(VILLAGERS EXIT)

MM:

Humph! That’s a fine way to thank me, after all these weeks of service. Megloo, catch the plague rats. Megloo, empty the chamber pots, Megloo, tend the garden! Megloo, sleep in the dung heap with the rot grubs!

(Begins to sob wistfully)

Oh, how I’ll miss you, village!
(Sad music)

Narrator:

Megloo walked the great road for days, bemoaning his ill fortune and lowly station. His grief was so great he noticed not his increasing peril, for he had wandered into the realm of the dread Snail Lord...

(MM walks into the road, in a decrepit and spooky giant lettuce patch. He does not notice a gigantic brooding snail who wakes up out of his shell at the sound of weeping.)

MM: (weeping openly)

Bwahwaahwaaa!!!! Cruel fate! Why have the gods cursed me with this lowly form? By the same turn I could have been a mighty warrior, tall and strong! Or a clever gnome wizard, with magic bones and spells of power. But alas! Alack! I am cast out as the stupid, the ugly, the... the..

SNAIL LORD:

The delicious!

(“Rushes” forward, trapping Megloo beneath him)

MM:

Egad! My luck has increased! Now I am as helpless as a lettuce leaf.

SL:

Hahaha! Wretched creature, you have oozed into my domain. Soon I, the Snail Lord, will devour you, my little morsel. I smell upon you the savory tang of rotten radishes, dung heaps, and barley juice. Pray, what manner of creature are you? You must be a baron at least to be scented so... uniquely...

MM:

Snail King, I am a mere gully dwarf. The lowest of the despised! Cast out and spat upon, the dregs of society!

(Musical interlude: “Dregs of Society”)

I’m the side of life that noone likes to see
I don’t contribute to the economy
Everywhere I go people pull away their kids
They don’t want em to know that people like me exist

I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty

Everywhere I’m at the property value goes down
Nobody ever wants me to be around
People wish that I would just go away
But I ain’t got nowhere to go so I’m here to stay

I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty (Repeat)

SL:

How very amusing. Such fun! All this excitement has certainly given me a tremendous appetite.

Megloo:

Uh Oh. Snail King, I beg you not to eat me. Think of the indig- indi- uh, stomach ache.

SL:

Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should devour half of you now, and half later. That way I shall have a snack after my nap.

MM:

I must voice my objection.

SL:

Very well. I will let you choose for me. Which half of you should I devour first- the left or the right? (hears a noise) Wait a moment! Do you hear that rustling sound in the forest beyond? What new flavor approaches now?

Megloo:

Oh, terror and dread!

(Cowers behind a lettuce head)

(ENTER SHALOM SH’LOCK, a tall, flamboyant wizard dressed in lavish wizardly robes, and several bags and pouches hanging from his belt. In one hand he is constantly and wildly gesticulating with a pair of scissors. He is entranced by a large flower opposite the Snail Lord, and walks up to it.)

SS:

Ah, what a glorious specimen! (stoops to sniff)

Snail Lord: (to Megloo)

Wait right here.

(he starts towards Shalom at an infinitesimally slow pace)

SS(not noticing the snail):

Bebir, come before me!

(waves hands mystically.)

(Poof! Enter Bebir, a small red demonic creature with tentacles drooping from its face)

Bebir:

Yes, Master! How can I serve you this time?

SS:

Tell me Bebir, what is this flower? Its beauty dims the very sun, and its fragrance makes the finest perfumes in the kingdom shrivel the nostril by comparison.

Bebir:

Oh everlucky master Shalom Sh’lock. The flower you speak of is the famed Rugondis blossom. Its nectar can be fermented to make a powerful poison…or a delicious beverage! Its petals can be boiled to produce perfume delightful beyond reckoning. The stem- well, you throw away the stem. It’s useless.

SS:

What a glorious discovery! I have heard of this flower. Its aroma is known in the most decadent parlors and palaces, where pallid ladies blush at its mere mention. With this scent in my arsenal of grooming, I will commit acts of delicious barbary, and trim the finest beards in the land!

Bebir:

Yes Master! (looks behind S.S. at the Snail Lord, who is gradually approaching.) It occurs to me that I’ve never seen you coated in slime.

SS:

Hahahahaha! Bebir, you delight me with your outlandish jokes. I will never be coated- whoa!!! (as he is attacked by Snail Lord.)
Treacherous servant! Bebir, why did you not warn me?

Bebir:

I was thinking about you covered with slime! Tee hee hee!!!

(Battle ensues)

MM: (conflicted, peeks out from behind the lettuce)

What should I do? If the snail lord is victorious, I may be spared his wrath.

Snail Lord (while battling, calls over his shoulder)

Don’t bet on it!

MM:

But if I help this strange barber, I may lose my standing in the Cowards’ Guild.

(adventurous music)

(Megloo decides after brief mental torpor)

I have deci- uh, deci- uh, chosed.

(Megloo joins the battle, and strikes the final blow against Snail Lord.)

Snail Lord: (in death throes)

Alack! To be slain by one’s own snack…

(dies)

SS:

Well done, my pungent friend! You have my gratitude! I was very nearly the main course.

Megloo:

Well… er…

SS:

As a show of thanks for such bravery, I will bestow upon you a boon. What would you have me do?

Megloo:

Um, actually, I think-

SS:

Aha! I see that for you, no gawdy trinkets of piles of gold and jewels will suffice to pay my debt. What you need, O brave wretch, is the one thing I can give you.

Megloo:

Er, what’s that?

SS:

Why, the gift of grooming! I am the greatest barber in the world. I will trim your beard, and cut your hair. Your skin will glow, your nails will gleam. Even your lice will be clean and well-manicured. You will be my greatest challenge and my boldest triumph!

Megloo(overcome with emotion):

What kindness! You have offered to take away my abundant grime, so that I should merely be an ugly and stupid dwarf. I don’t deserve you as a friend. Allow me to embrace you. Come here! One kiss of thanks!

Shalom (nimbly avoiding contact):

No thank you! We must begin to remedy your stench without delay! Sit down here!

(produces a complicated kit and ties a sheet around Megloo)

A trim here! A snip there! A dab of perfume… Er… A SPLASH of perfume!

(Megloo cannot be seen as Shalom does his work)

Megloo:

That tickles!

Shalom:

Quiet please! This is the most difficult part. With the petals of this Rugondis blossom, I will cast a powerful magic glamour upon you. You will be the most attractive gully dwarf ever known.

(begins casting)

Megloo:

That smell!

Shalom:

Sssh!

(continues casting)

Megloo:

Ah… Ah… Choo!

Shalom:

Noooooooo…

(chaos and noise ensue)

Shalom:

Gadzooks! The spell has gone awry! What has happened?

Megloo:

I feel pecli-pecul- uh… weird.

Shalom:

Why did you have to sneeze? My spell was disrupted!

(silence as both of them notice Megloo’s hands, which have become an oversized claw and drooping tentacle, respectively. They look at each other, somewhat disbelieving)

Megloo:

Ummm… How long will it last?

Shalom:

Beg Pardon?

Megloo:

Er, I said, how long will it-

Shalom:

What beauty! What an entrancing form I have created! My magical barbary has made you delightful indeed to behold. Neither man nor animal, you have become… a MONGREL MAN!!! (suddenly in a hurry)
Well, my accidental swan, I see my work here is done. Goodbye for now. So Looooooong!...

(EXIT SHALOM)

Megloo:

But what about… my hands?

(sobs)

Oh, woe upon woe! I was content to be merely the ugliest dwarf in the land. But now I smell of flower petals and shampoo, and I am the ugliest creature of all! And life’s only pleasure has been taken from me. (cries into his claw, then suddenly changes moods)
Well, at least the worst is over.

(Walks a few steps and steps into a bear trap. Sighs and shrugs, then howls in pain and falls to the ground)

(END ACT 1)

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