Thank you, dear Mother, for opening this space for me, and hi to everyone. I'm Eco from Germany and I'm 42 years old. I came to RUOW in 2000 and immediately knew it was "my thing". And then I lost it for many years, not only Ruow, but most of what I had achieved in my healing journey I began in 1991. I spent years in a state beyond death, just functioning on a low level without any connection to anything. I couldn't even kill myself because I was too far away from feeling that I could do just *anything* about my situation.
Things changed last summer when someone came into my life who got things moving finally and mirrored me the tons of judgements against Will and Body I had soaked in in 2002 without being aware of it, so finally my Will started moving again in extreme RAGE against this Spirity Guru Guy who wanted me to be in a constant elevator with him, back to the Godhead. Finally it was clear to me where I did NOT want to be.
So I stood up for myself and the Mother against him which made him turn away from me... and again I FELT something (like a piece of shit, not good enough for the Father), but in this piece of shit I found a vague remembrance of my true self. Wanting to turn to the Goddess. Knowing about my deep connection with Her. A deep desire to recover the Will, to recover on all levels, to create a balance inside and outside. I remembered, finally.
Pretty soon after this memory and after I started to turn my bedroom into a Goddess sanctuary, a person came into my life who offers an ordination programme to become a priestess in the Fellowship of Isis. This is an international, non-religious (or multi-religious) organisation with no dogma or agenda, for people who have the desire to recover the Goddess within and to live in balance. So I have started to do this now and I'm very slowly coming back to live, breathe and feel. I am very grateful for having found this place here, as I've felt very very alone with my Ruow here in Germany and sometimes when I was deep into exploring something on different levels, even my closest friends would have no idea what I was talking about.
If this place here is safe enough to show my feelings and being vulnerable... I'll test the waters.
Thanks for reading and being here,
Eco
Things changed last summer when someone came into my life who got things moving finally and mirrored me the tons of judgements against Will and Body I had soaked in in 2002 without being aware of it, so finally my Will started moving again in extreme RAGE against this Spirity Guru Guy who wanted me to be in a constant elevator with him, back to the Godhead. Finally it was clear to me where I did NOT want to be.
So I stood up for myself and the Mother against him which made him turn away from me... and again I FELT something (like a piece of shit, not good enough for the Father), but in this piece of shit I found a vague remembrance of my true self. Wanting to turn to the Goddess. Knowing about my deep connection with Her. A deep desire to recover the Will, to recover on all levels, to create a balance inside and outside. I remembered, finally.
Pretty soon after this memory and after I started to turn my bedroom into a Goddess sanctuary, a person came into my life who offers an ordination programme to become a priestess in the Fellowship of Isis. This is an international, non-religious (or multi-religious) organisation with no dogma or agenda, for people who have the desire to recover the Goddess within and to live in balance. So I have started to do this now and I'm very slowly coming back to live, breathe and feel. I am very grateful for having found this place here, as I've felt very very alone with my Ruow here in Germany and sometimes when I was deep into exploring something on different levels, even my closest friends would have no idea what I was talking about.
If this place here is safe enough to show my feelings and being vulnerable... I'll test the waters.
Thanks for reading and being here,
Eco
-
Re: Hi
Mon, February 11, 2008 - 10:14 AMHi Eco, I'm glad you're here. I don't post much these days because I'm down in the depths so much, in that wordless place.
I feel the Mother parts coming together for healing and strengthening, and it's inspiring, as much as I can be inspired these days by anything. I too work with Her on a daily basis to feel myself and find balance within. She is constantly speaking to me and helping me find my way. Today I feel lost and alone, and I'm trying to remember that this is a feeling. Hearing from you here feels good to me, almost as if She is beginning to come out of the shadows, if that makes sense. Thanks for checking in.
Love,
Daisy
-
Re: Hi
Tue, February 12, 2008 - 7:43 PMHello Eco,
I can appreciate that your reaching out and trying to connect with others like myself on this isolated difficult healing pathway.
Feel free to connect offline?
Aufweidersehen, W.L. -
-
Re: Hi
Wed, February 13, 2008 - 4:44 AMThank you for replying and welcoming me, Daisy and W.L. - the last time I tried to connect with a Ruow group a few years ago (don't remember which one it was) I got a private message of some group member telling me to fuck off. That was the only reply to my initial posting and I was in a place where I just couldn't deal with it so I fucked off. I carried this experience with me, now, here, without being aware of it, but now that I've been around here for a few days and nobody chased me away I start to relax. So again THANK YOU! With Love, Eco -
-
Re: Hi
Wed, February 13, 2008 - 4:56 PMEco, that is intense! I'm sorry that happened to you.
I have often had fears when I post that someone is going to tell me to fuck off but thankfully that has never manifested. That must have been a terrible experience. I am glad you're getting received this time.
Love, Semele -
-
Re: Hi
Thu, February 14, 2008 - 6:36 AMThank you, Semele. I've also had these fears, in each group I joined. But I never got rejected, no matter where, just this one time. It resulted in a black/white thinking for a while that when I join a spiritual angel group or such everyone would shower me with love and hug me and most of it wouldn't feel real, or I'd join a group with people being real and then get confronted with a rage I couldn't deal with. What a reflection of my inner belief to never fit in anywhere and that there's no place for me... sigh.
In the 90's I've posted a lot in a support group on Usenet which was really helpful, but most of the people there had gone through ritual abuse or other terror that had to do with a very twisted form of spirituality, so you had to spoiler a lot of words or whole posts and you couldn't talk about God or the Goddess there.
I always tried to find a way to integrate trauma healing and spirituality in a balanced or healthy way because for me, one doesn't work without the other. In my perception, this gap manifests not only in me, but also shows in the forms of support available on the outside. Either you focus on spirituality then you get people who tell you this physical manifestation is just an illusion and pain is just there for letting it go NOW, or you focus on trauma therapy and people get irritated when you mention divine energies that can be received and helpful. I feel that in Germany this gap is even bigger than in the States.
Any thoughts/feelings on this?
Take care
Eco -
-
Re: Hi
Sun, February 17, 2008 - 8:07 AMHello Eco
You made some really sound stuff that I can relate with like trauma therapy and balancing with your soul/spirit agenda. I ' ve never tried trauma therapy for my very trying upbringing. I judge that you have some very sound useful ideas of where you want to go on your healing pathway.
That goddess energy group sounds neat. Thanxs for sharing your last post.
-
Re: Hi
Wed, April 9, 2008 - 8:03 PMWelcome Eco!
You feel good to me here! I lllove when i can feel the richness in someone who enters the group. I feel your inner healing commitment! I looked at your pics, and love what looks like your Art!
Seive
-
-
-
-
