Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse's topics - tribe.net

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

2007-12-07T22:30:04Z

I been suffering from PTSD lately. I think it's been triggered by a man that's come into my life (he's not my SO). He doesn't have healthy boundries, and is over-sexual. It's sure made me figure out real fast what my triggers are. Maybe if any of you have suggestions on what I can do to mellow myself out, I'd appreciate it.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 8 replies

Heartbroken

2007-11-04T23:21:02Z

Hi guys, I am really going through it. I'm having a lot of difficulty expressing my emotions verbally right now. I spend most days curled up on my bed crying and sleeping. I'm worried about not being supportive for others right now but I just really need to take care of myself. As soon as I am able I will post. It isn't helping that my hard drive crashed last night, so I don't have a computer of my own. I couldn't be more bummed out.
I'll talk soon. Just tryin' to stay alive at this point.

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

Good morning...

2007-09-17T07:11:13Z

Hi everyone....I'm back for a time. So......carry on.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

has anyone else dealt with this or felt this?

2007-09-14T16:15:02Z

I have found that I was "groomed" in all of my molestations, thus, now the only way i can have sex and really enjoy it is to have rough sex, though the guy still has to be dominate, etc. have any of the rest of you experienced this? is it considered healthy? how do i know when it is too much? and for those of you who have this same thing, how do you deal? does it work for you?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 7 replies

Changing Moderators Again

2007-09-14T00:56:15Z

Re-posting this from the private group:

When Daisy asked me to moderate this group, I really wanted to give it a try....I didn't think my job is to give advice or anything, I think we are all good at supporting each other and giving each other input, so I didn't see that as my role, specifically. I think my job has been mainly to make sure this is a safe place for everyone, and that we are all being respectful of each other, to be sort of the guardian of it all. That means reading all the posts, obviously. Lately my own healing process has intensified, and I'm really going through it now. My own stuff is just about as much as I can handle right now, and I'm being triggered a little too much when reading others' posts, and it's causing too much overwhelm for me. As a member of the group I can choose to read what I can and save for later what I can't in the moment, but as a moderator I don't think it is responsible to do that. So I don't really think that I can fulfill these duties at this time.

I've written to Daisy about this, and she has agreed to be moderator again for now (thank you Daisy). I'm sorry I wasn't able to continue to do this, but as I'm learning, I need to take care of that little self inside me, and right now she needs a lot of care and attention, so that's what I'm going to do.

Thanks everyone for trusting me to be your moderator for this short period of time. I'll still be around.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Abuse within Seventh-Day Adventist, Baptist and other religeons.

2007-08-21T15:53:49Z

I have been collecting links and stories from folks in TN.
There are some useful links and resources, go back through posts
their are only about 40, four pages to look.

Great tribe you have here. Peace and serenity eventually for all!

http://people.tribe.net/50f1cdcd-0316-4be0-92aa-688e8e51756f

http://sda-watch.stumbleupon.com/

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 0 replies

It is done.

2007-08-03T03:01:13Z

Say hello to Lunatwin, your new moderator! Yaaay!!!

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 2 replies

EMDR?

2007-06-30T07:38:46Z

I just read something about this kind of therapy for PTSD. they say it's really effective.

has anyone heard of or tried Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 11 replies

Still Pissed....

2007-06-22T16:23:30Z

After all these years, and all the therapy, and all the healing, and all the forgiveness and "moving on".
I'm still, really hurt and amazed that someone who helped to create and raise me didn't get it and to top it all off... left me holding the bag!
Have you ever felt like you were so totally all alone when someone was treating you like shit? I have this still small voice inside that whispers, "This is unethical...". I made the vow to myself that I would never let anyone victimize me ever again, but it isn't always that simple and just like that it happens again. When I finally believe that I've learned to be a good advocate, bamb! I find that I haven't. I feel so alone and wonder if anyone else sees and appreciates what's taken place. When I stand in fear and contempt to face the one's who can't wrap their brain around me, will there be but one who steps forward and bare testimony to my goodness?
I alone bare the weight of not having the father (he's been dead for a very long time), not having the sister (she's too much a victim herself), not having the family I deserve.
Now I'm just a wandering "perv", attempting to stand and lead, to move forward in love. I'm attempting to educate those who have the mind, heart and time and energy for it. But, alas, the patriarchal structure of our society and the gender violence prevent people in power to realize the harm they do daily in the name of their own fear(s).
Love to you all!
~ws

ps This weekend is PRIDE in PDX I hope that all who can come out will and those in other cities who have your own PRIDE will find a place to walk with others who have suffered (even if only similarly).

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 6 replies

Handing it Over, Passing it down

2007-06-21T16:55:29Z

Hi guys,

This isn't where I am right now. I no longer feel wounded by my sexual trauma at this time. I need to move on for a while. If it comes up for me later, I will come back. I can check in from time to time, and support a new moderator. I think I am moving on from survivorship. These experiences have given me some good healing medicine to add to my toolbox. I need to heal my body now, so I am going inward for a while. I am giving different kinds of help in different areas to different people now, all related to Perspective and Point of View in relation to Body. I want to live, and I need a good, healthy container for my Spirit, Heart, and Will. I have learned new tools, and new medicines to assist me in achieving the wholeness I am moving towards................Healthy Body. I no longer hate my body, but it is holding terror, fear of death. I have moved toward compassion for it. It's time to clear, purge, cleanse and purify.

So, I want to appoint a new moderator. I would like Lunatwin to moderate, if She is willing and able. If not, I will consider volunteers, and we can discuss. Let me know. I need to clear my slate right now.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

Body Issues

2007-06-20T03:40:11Z

I just wanted to ask if any of you are struggling with body issues? I had a breakdown years ago when I realized I was sexually abused as a child. With it seemed this arrived this severe problem with my body.

I always had that feeling like an alien thing that many people talk about when they were children. I've always had to observe others and gather visual cues about how I look any particular day. It's seemed more pronounced over time.

I was talking to my therapist a little about it. It's like I have a disconnection between the rest of myself and my body. I don't feel that there's an accurate read between what I look like and what I think I look like. I've read up about body dysmorphic disorder and know that I've probably got a bit of a case of that.

It really affects my relationships. I want to break through. I was just wondering if any of you have these issues.

Peace,
Robin

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 16 replies

A Reminder:

2007-06-15T18:09:24Z

We also have a private tribe if anyone here needs space from the public. Message me for an invitation.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 0 replies

Forum Rules

2007-06-15T18:07:31Z

I thought I would post some rules of engagement here. I felt it was pertinent, not that anyone has gone beyond what is appropriate yet, but why wait until it happens? Here they are:

1.) No pointing out other peoples denials. We face them when we are ready in our own time.

2.) No blaming rage directed at individuals.

3.) Rage expression is good........but, I want it given it's own space in it's own thread with plenty of warning to others so they can choose to read it or not. In my experience, rage needs space to express where it can't cause more wreckage and has a chance to take responsibility for itself.

4.) Take responsibility for your own feelings.....we are trying to bring them in and accept them, projection is the opposite of this.

5.) When you get triggered, step away from the keyboard and move as much as possible privately before posting.

Thanks everyone!

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

Happy Mothers Day!

2007-05-30T03:36:13Z

Happy Mothers Day to all of you Mothers out there, and to the Mother within all of us!

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Talk amongst yourselves!

2007-04-21T00:58:44Z

Hey kids, I am still in Hell with the Mother these days, feeling the heaviness and depression. I'm sorry I haven't been posting, I just don't have energy for it right now. I feel like I am reclaiming a HUGE part of me in this work, so if you can, talk amongst yourselves and hopefully I will be back soon.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 1 reply

Depressed again, so what else is new?

2007-04-14T01:05:41Z

I am so tired of the depression and overwhelm of feelings. I feel so many things going on at once that I can't seem to keep up. It's like, now that I have stated my intent to feel all of my feelings, like children starving for attention, they are clamoring around me to be heard. There are hundreds, no, thousands of them, all with a story to tell. How do I cope with this? I feel like a Mother who has had too many children and tried to get rid of them, only they keep coming back to haunt me. Their ghosts are with me all of the time, guilt, sadness, rage, hatred, sorrow, madness, hunger for love, need, pain of rejection, hopelessness, it feels endless.

I was looking at photos of my boys last night, trying to scan them and get them on disc. I felt defeated by the pain and guilt I have over trying to raise children in my condition. I fucked them up so bad. I was so crazy. I should never have had children. I never wanted boys, but I got two of them at once. I did the best I could with what I had, but it wasn't enough. They are in pain now, and seeking the mothering they didn't get from me from the women in their lives. I can't change it. It's out of my hands now.

I am overwhelmed with guilt, I torture myself with it. On top of my ptsd and my fragmented mind and heart, it's almost more than I can bear. I hate these moments, these hours and days that feel like nothing will ever get better. I am sick and tired of the pain and suffering. I thought I was strong enough to do this, but I am feeling tired and worn down. I just want someone to hold me and take care of me. Tonight I'm feeling like I can't do this anymore.

Thanks for listening.
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 31 replies

Forgiveness

2007-04-13T02:00:18Z

This is an issue I would like to address here. There is sooo much pressure in the world to find forgiveness for the people that hurt us, and a belief that we can't move forward until we do. I think this is a load of crap. First of all, forgiveness comes naturally when we allow ourselves to feel ALL of our feelings about being hurt. Not before. Trying to forgive when we aren't ready doesn't work, and ultimately it's up to each individual to decide when they are ready. If we haven't been our own allies in healing first, forgiveness coming too soon could end up in us being victimized all over again.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 43 replies

so I have been GONE for like 5 days ...

2007-04-09T18:12:25Z

Our truck broke down and had to be towed to the dealers and so we've been sitting in a crummy hotel for the last 5 days and I have been ... GONE. As in totally, totally, totally not present. Poor Denise (my partner) - it's like shes just here on her own. I feel really stupid and sad and ... and lost. I think this is the first time in my life that I've ever seen so clearly how ... flight is my first line of defense. It is SO wierd to realize that I have just vacated myself for 5 days. Just gone away in my head. And left Denise holding down the fort in this shitty little hotel in this shitty part of town with nothing much to do and nowhere much to go. Normally I'd have a better attitude about the whole thing and be ... ready to go find something fun to do. But somehow I got triggered, right from the beginning, this time and while we were sitting there all day waiting for the tow truck I just got that horrible scared lost kind of feeling and bam! I just kinda floated away. Not like I don't know what's been happening exactly, but I am for damned sure not present either. I mean I had all this time I coulda been online and talking to you guys and being on tribe, among other things. But I'm having a hell of a time being ... real at all. Mostly I've just kept my head buried in a book or in my own dreamworld of stories. It makes everything feel so surreal. So floaty. But when I DO manage to come back to earth I know I'm so scared that I'm afraid to even go to sleep at night. How very strange. To be so scared and not even know about what. To feel like the world is ending for me and to have no idea why ...

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 27 replies

Smoke free

2007-03-26T09:05:40Z

I'm quitting cigarettes today, and I'm afraid of the feelings that are going to come. I really want to be free though. I've been smoking since I was 12 and I'm 41 now. It helped me deal with all the hard things I had to go through. It was my friend. Now, it's killing me. I feel like a slave to it. I just wanna be free.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 13 replies

Stories

2007-03-25T16:09:10Z

I guess I'll go first. I'll just tell a little bit.

When I was 14, I moved out of foster care and back in with my dad. He had a girlfriend who was only 17, three years older than me. He used to have sex with her in front of me frequently. It made me feel really scared and confused. They talked about sex in front of me all the time. He groomed me. He used to talk all the time about wanting to be with two girls at the same time. He got his wish.

On my 15th birthday, he brought home a gallon of vodka, and we all got drunk. He and his girlfriend started making out, then having sex. It gets really fuzzy here. The next thing I remember is being on my bed, and my dad on top of me and his girlfriend next to me. I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I knew I was going to vomit. I leaned over the side of the bed and puked on the floor. I know he did it, I know he penetrated me, but still, even now, I want to deny it. At some point I passed out.

The next day, he asked me if I was on the pill, and when I said no, he got really mad at me. He made me go get on the pill.

I remember it happening one other time, but I don't remember any more incidents than that with him.

I was first molested when I was very small, maybe 2 years old. It just started a lifetime of abuse that didn't fully stop until I was last raped at the age of 27.

I think thats all I want to say right now. Does anyone else want to share?

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 17 replies

Working way through the holidays

2007-03-10T02:38:22Z

Well, I made it through Christmas, working my way through the holidays, news years left-thank god I don't usually spend that with my family. All and all, Christmas day went good, I just hate pretending and acting like everything is fine, like were a perfect family. The subject of child molestation came up; with the old pastor of the church I went to growing up, my brother is one of his accusers and might have to go to trial. I spoke my opinion, it felt good to speak up. My mom was talking about gay people just wanting to molest little boys; I spoke up and said that was a total myth, I have a couple of gay friends who wouldn't lay a hand on a child. My mom pissed my off with that comment. I didn't let it get to me though, I just let it go, she doesn't know or have knowledge of these things, its not her fault.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share about my Christmas day.

Bridgette

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

They did not 'do the best they could'

2007-03-08T18:25:55Z

Kate and Jim Mossman - the Womb and the Sperm - most certainly did NOT do the best they could. I have been so flipped out by that whole thread that I just couldn't write about it. It ... is an issue I've been trying to hide from for a LONG time. I tried for so long to tell myself that they did the best they could and they were just too wounded to do any better. It was so much more comforting to tell myself that. But actually, they did not. Jim ... is one of those rare people who ... who doens't seem to actually believe that anyone else really exists as a being. He used me, plain and simple. Used me for whatever he needed. Other than that he did not want to be reminded of my existence. Well, didn't acknowledge it.

Oh, this shit is so painful ... I'm not telling the story because I cannot stand to. Guess that makes it pretty clear how much I am still trying not to accept it. Goddamn it! I don't know how to fucking accept it! I dont even know how to MAKE myself believe it myself. Never mind other people. Denise shocked the crap out of me this week by telling me that she not only believed that he used me as his slave, but that she could actually see it in the interactions she'd seen between us. That scared me so bad I've been trying like hell to pick a fight with the poor woman ever since. And believe me, when I try to pick a fight I can be HORRIBLE! And I know it isn't her fault and I know I have to somehow find a way to believe and accept it but I just don't fucking know how. How do you accept things liek that about your life? If your own father actually thought of you as not really existing as a human being then what the hell does that make you? What am I????? Am I real? REAL????

I feel like I need to tell at least some of the story to you all. Because I need to be understood and believed. (Mostly I have been neither - not even by therapists.) Because I need to tell it in order to believe it myself. Because in telling it I claim it. Becasue until I DO tell it I continue to hide from it. But I am so, so, so deeply ashamed ....

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

Myths vs. Truths

2007-03-07T16:50:27Z

So last weekend while recovering from the virus of hell, I had some quiet time to do some good deep inner work with myself. I've been really struggling with some issues and part of the struggle has been accepting the Truth of my life vs. the mythology I have created to make it easier to live with. So I decided to get really brutally honest with myself and this is what I came up with:

Myth: I had a good childhood and bad things happened.
Truth: I had a horrific childhood and good things happened.
Myth: There was something I could have done to stop, change, prevent the abuse.
Truth: I had absolutely no control.
Myth: Mommy and Daddy loved me.
Truth: Mommy and Daddy had no capacity for love. What they did to me did not show their love.
Myth: I am a flexible easygoing person.
Truth: I am a control freak who can rarely relax
Myth: I am willing to change my life to become a healthier person and I am actively trying to do this.
Truth: I am terrified of change and not having my crutches and am trying to sabotage any effort to take them away.

There it was out in the open - in black and white. Ok then, now what? Well for one, I've been a bit calmer - it's like I'm no longer having to use the energy to convince myself of the myths. Second, I can now actively choose to change what I don't like about myself.

So what are the myths you are still holding onto? What are the truths that you've realized about yourself on this journey? How has facing the myths and the truths helped/change your healing process?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

For Roxy and Lunatwin

2007-03-01T03:35:44Z

I am afraid that both of you will be triggered by what Maple said in the other thread. I want to tell you both that I am grateful for the support you gave me, separate from, and regardless of what Maple had to say. I honor both perspectives, and I wanted to give you both space to respond to what he said here, if you both feel that you were triggered and have something to say about it. I love you both.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

Ugly

2007-02-08T11:24:30Z

I can't hide it. I can't pretty it up. My ugly shows all the time. All the fear and pain and sadness and hatred and rage and contempt that I carry around inside of me. It's a part of me and I'm so tired of people expecting me to have the same presentation face that they have. I just can't fucking do it anymore. It's not real. It's not me. I'm going to start posting photos of me showing my ugly. Give me a few days, but I'm going to do it. I don't care if I don't look pretty or acceptable. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 18 replies

New Private Tribe

2007-01-26T03:12:20Z

Ok, I created a private version of this tribe, and I will begin inviting all of you who already belong to this tribe. If you think someone is safe to invite, go ahead and invite them in. I will moderate it the same way I do here.

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Struggling with getting over bronchitis

2007-01-23T17:49:35Z

I got sick wiht the flu forever ago - last week sometime. I feel SO sick and like I just don't want to ... be here. Like I'm NOT here. Like I'm just holing up til it's all over. There isn't one single thing I can think of right now that feels even slightly comfortable - whether you're talking emotional or physical space. I .... I'm just trying not to disappear, but I ain't very successful at it. And I feel like all I got to offer anyone right now is ugliness. I'm doin' my best to pretend, but it ain't workin. So... that's all. I just wanted to be honest about where I'm at. I know I'll get better and I'm not askin' for pity or anything like that. I just wanna be ... honest. I just feel ugly inside and out.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 1 reply

Body responds to Love

2007-01-21T19:10:36Z

October 2nd, 2006

I had an amazing experience today. It could be described as a spiritual experience. I don’t even know if I want to talk about it yet. I’m afraid my words won’t do it justice, or that they will cheapen it somehow.

Anyway, this has never happened to me before. I decided to shower. I was alone in the apartment. My husband had gone to the store to get me liquids. I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow, and I can’t have any solid food until after the procedure.

Now, food is a big part of my life. It’s my main comfort when I feel bad, which is all the time. It’s also my nemesis and a major addiction. I’ve gained 75 pounds over the last 3 years because I have no self control. Going without for 25 to 30 hours is a huge deal for me. But I have no choice. I need to find out what is going on, so I need this procedure.

I went in the bathroom and turned on the shower. I felt scared, depressed and a little desperate. I got under the water and felt the tears begin to well up. I started shampooing my hair, and suddenly I felt this huge sadness mixed with loving compassion for the stress and pain in my head. Touching my head felt so good to me. I moved my hands down my neck and the love kept coming. I could feel all the responsibility I have carried my whole life in my neck and shoulders. My body was crying out to me! Heal me! It seemed to be saying.

Down over my broken heart and to my breasts, my hands gently moved. I could feel all the pain and sorrow my heart has been holding,. I felt all the nourishment and pleasure my breasts had given over the years, and the pain of my own objectification of them. I felt the pain of being a woman and the self hatred stored there in my breasts. Love was pouring out of my hands and onto my flesh, leaving it’s healing path. I was crying so hard by now, sobbing out loud in pure amazement and love for my body.

I wasn’t done yet. Surrounded by petals of rosy glowing light raining down all around me, I was in a love mist in that shower. I moved my hands down to my belly, the place that cradled each one of my children. My body was shouting it’s message to me by this time, and I was hearing it. It showed me pictures in my head of all the horrible things that had been done to my belly. Stabbed and cut with knives, punched, kicked and poked. My own hand carving it up like an offensive, hated enemy. It has stretch marks, and it hangs over my waist like an apron of flesh. I heard all the curses I have aimed at it over the years for not being flat and perfect enough to get me the acceptance and approval I needed. I just cried and cried for my belly, loving it with my magic hands.

I moved my hands down until I found that scorned and hated place, my vagina. It’s even hard to say it to myself right now. But I must own it. It’s mine and I have abused it just as much as all of my perpetrators have. I started exploring gently, feeling what it was holding onto. I wasn’t disappointed. Crying out in horror and sorrow, I felt it’s pain. It showed me many hands roughly putting things into it, shoving objects in until It bled. I saw penises, hair brush handles, broom handles, part of a doorknob, a knife handle. I saw rapes and violations of all sorts. I saw images of long lines of men using it and paying money for the priveledge. I felt it’s desperation and terror, and the shoving into it of all I never wanted to feel. Especially rage. I gave it as much love as I had in me to give in that moment.

Then I had to stop. I couldn’t handle anymore. I was crying so hard, I almost fell down in the shower. I needed to get out

By the time I got my clothes on, I was in normal reality once again.

I continued crying because I felt so sad. I wanted to feel that way all the time but I knew I wouldn’t. I thanked my divine parents for giving me this gift of hope. I asked for more time to find my way back to that lovely, glowing feeling of self love. It was enough to make me want to live again.

This is an excerpt from my journal. Just thought I should share it.

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 9 replies

Boulder Story

2007-01-14T03:46:44Z

This is a first.

Last week, I stepped into my shadow. There was no reason for any of it, but the earth kept moving, and the dream would not end. I delivered food for a week in Chicago, earned $160, paid my storage bill, paced the last of my things in storage, and stepped on a train to Michigan.

In Michigan I met a friend who was driving to Boulder to get away for the winter solstice. She and I drove across the country nuturing a restless spirit and a broken heart. In the hotel room, I reminded her of my sensitivity, and preferred not to make love to her. It wasn't going to be love to me. I had too much going on, and it means having some negative attachments to pure selfish attention. I needed to keep a protected space for myself, and prevent life from being ridden out on another person's idea of romance.

This friend has been a true friend to me, but on the road, and in a car, all these other faces began to appear in her. I was on her trip, and it wasn't pleasant. The trauma of the trip had been hard enough, and now she helped tear open my memories and feelings of childhood. Suddenly, my shadow. A dark bathroom in a hotel, a bathtub with running water in it. I felt the dilemma of having a body. Couldn't I just step out of it? Didn't i have the right to say how I needed to be loved? I fought for it, and it hurt her. What else could I do?

Some people think sex is the only thing worth doing. They measure themselves by the strength of their orgasms, and they know--this is how they know--that their life is on track, or going in the right direction.

The next day, Nebraska. Black cows grazing beneath a phosphoresent sky, incineraters just a few blocks before the exit ramps. We arrived in Boulder just before a huge storm came and trapped everyone for Christmas. I spent Christmas and Solstice riding around with this aggressive lover, longing to feel the sweetness and understanding that I knew back home. My shadow: myself. I could see with her, everything that had gone wrong in my relationship. But the earth kept moving, and the dream would not end.

After the sexual ritual became too painful to repeat, she blew up, feeling rejected and angry. For what I didn't want with her, she ran off to find what she'd come for. I was greatful for her friendship, and wished her a good vacation. I, of course, wasn't on vacation.

Now I am living in Boulder. I have all the things that I need to live. I have my bicycle, and a laptop with which I intend to complete a book. I am living in a borrowed apartment, and thinking about what kind of work I can create out out of nothing. Having cut ties with my true love, and left my home, I don't really want to go back. Chicago is just a city without love.

So, I have landed in Boulder, a place that is dear to my heart and near the home in Arvada where I grew up. My great aim right now is to see my old house, the house of innocence and love that it was. I will know where to go from there.

On a journey home,
Travis

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Private survivors tribe

2007-01-03T10:28:43Z

Hey folks. I'm a member of the sex positive survivors tribe and we got into a discussion over there about the fact that if your in a public or moderated tribe, then ANYONE can read what you have posted! Even people who are not members of tribe.net. We decided to make it a private tribe because of this, the moderator wants to be a truly safe space for people to share their stories. So I promised to bring this issue up in other survivor tribes and let you all know that

A. There is such a tribe as sex positive survivors and
B. this tribe is not currently private, so please be conscious of that fact.

Personally I don't post too many details of the abuse on tribes where there may be stalkers or lurkers reading this. Just wanted to make sure you were all aware of this and open discussion on the subject.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 12 replies

Food / eating issues

2007-01-03T02:08:29Z

I've had some really bad memories come up in the last couple of months and consequently I've had a resurgence of food/eating issues. Food is just ick sometimes and I so don't want anything in my mouth.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions/hints/whats worked for you if you've had the same issue.

Thanks!

Kat

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 7 replies

Holidays

2006-12-25T20:04:36Z

It's a little better this year............but I did send out gifts to people that I didn't really want to give anything to. Guilt was pushing on me telling me that it would be unloving to exclude them. I guess I haven't explored my true feelings about those individuals completely. This is why I hate the holidays.........feeling like I have to go past my true feelings to make other people feel good and included despite how they have treated me in the past.

I made my mother some gifts and sent them to her. We have been talking a little about how I feel about her, but she gets so hurt when I try to express it. I feel so angry with her for not being the adult and allowing me to be the child, which is where my feelings are coming from. She says, "I don't like it when you guilt me for the choices I have made." My response to her was, "The guilt is already present within you, I didn't put it there." I am so angry with her!

So I didn't want to send her anything, not even a card. She hasn't sent me anything at all. I'm afraid that if I don't give her something, she will get hurt or angry and leave me again. This is the childs perspective. I am trying to get in touch with the feelings here, but they are so deep and not within my grasp.

I want her to say, "I'm sorry I put myself before you. I'm sorry I have made you take care of my feelings. I want to hear what you have to say to me. I won't leave you for being angry, hurt or fearful." I want her to send me a christmas gift...I wanted her to acknowledge me on my birthday with a card or a gift. I want her to call me more than once a year (she calls me on her birthday, not mine).

I am afraid that my relationship with her is damaged beyond repair. I don't love her anymore.....I feel pity, and sometimes a little compassion, alot of guilt, but not love. The love that I had for her has been stepped on, crushed, dropped from a high place and set on fire. She has done everything but receive it from me. I hate mommy.

Thanks for listening
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

ok, this is my rant ...

2006-12-18T00:54:43Z

this is a kind of funny juxtaposition/counterpoint to daisy's topic of "just get over it". and i don't really know how to express these thoughts very well - i'm still just feeling them too much. it's kind of the opposite of j.g.o.i. i feel like when i show people the work that i am doing on myself (as in the blog on my homepage), or talk about it with feeling and honesty, people tend to just 'peg' me as a sufferer and victim - which i am NOT. sufferer, yes, but not always. victim? nope. i am so frustrated with this. like as soon as i'm honest about not having all the answers then bam!! i go into the ... well, let's just say it - i go into the 'fucked-up' category. and there i ever remain. and you know what? i DONT have all the answers and i don't plan on it. i mean if i ever think i do i hope someone knocks me over the head. because i have learned, thorugh sad experience, that when i start thinking i've got all the answers that's exactly when i don't have much of any, and i'm just walking around wiht no clothes on hoping noone will notice or say anything... arrggg. so why do we have to be put in catagories? 20 years of therapy basically taught me one important lesson - noone knows any of us any better than ourselves. so how can any of us be the experts and others of us be the fucked-uppers? and the thing is, it seems like this happens a LOT. especially, maybe, on tribe. i dunno. freaks me out. makes me feel like a lot of people maybe aren't here so much to try to change or grow as they are just to get supported in staying right where they are?? and keeping others there too??? maybe i'm just being judgemental. yeah, probly. but it bugs the shit out of me. scares me actually. makes me have to fight to be a real, whole person. and fight for some people that i love on tribe to be real, whole people too. guess that's part of why i love this tribe so much. it doesn't seem ... segregated that way.
ok, i'm done. i'm tired and cranky and pms so sorry if i bummed anyone out. but i really SUCK at accepting things and this one in particular is just getting to me. "i, the unhomed one, am growing more an more accepting every day. i, the unhomed one, am growing more and more accepting every day. i, the unhomed one...

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 6 replies

Suffer all ye children....[Clergy Abuse]

2006-12-16T07:20:36Z

It's the second Tuesday of the month, and I've survived my first SNAP meeting. SNAP stands for Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. There were about ten people there; big and little, male and female, old and young. I can't really talk about the content of the meeting of course, but people who come across our tribe need to know that there is such a network. There are 60 cities in the country that hold these support meetings, and all kinds of information is shared online.

Learn about it at: www.snapnetwork.org.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 1 reply

Healing through art

2006-12-15T21:51:23Z

I placed a picture of a collage that my friend made. She was molested as well. She made this collage and her husband framed it for her. And she passed it on to me one night when we were sharing about our lives. I thought it might be nice for all of you to see. I posted it in the tribe photos.

Does anyone have any art that they have used to help in their healing?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

Just get over it!

2006-12-12T18:00:23Z

Has anyone ever said this to you or implied that your healing is taking too long? Have you ever felt ashamed about not being normal or like other people?

I am 41, almost 42 and I have been actively working on healing for 17 years, ever since the birth of my daughter. I'm not done yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. My level of function has increased over time, but I am by no means healed. It takes as long as it takes and I accept that.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 36 replies

yikes... so many things to ask and tell...

2006-12-12T08:07:00Z

which to choose?? i've read quite a lot of the discussions on here and ... well, me too. i lived homeless so much of my life that i decided to make it my official lifestyle, and became an over-the-road truckdriver, living in my truck. now mhy partner and i are buying a house and i am s-c-a-r-e-d and really confused about why and what to do about it (so is she, poor woman). well, that'll do for a start ... oh, and hi!

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 11 replies

Depression

2006-12-11T08:30:11Z

I am so depressed right now. I haven't been posting much because I'm in that space where everything seems pointless. I'm waiting for it to lift. I'm going to see my kids tomorrow and won't be back until Thursday. I don't know if I will have internet access while I'm gone, so I will see you all soon.

Love,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

sexual orientation

2006-12-04T07:37:41Z

have any of you who are working on sexual abuse issues gone through a period of questioning your sexual orientation? if so, how did you resolve the issue?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 19 replies

Visions and Dreams

2006-11-30T01:23:28Z

My vision is that we are always in heart circle wherever we go. Having the vulnerability to be ourselves in every moment, no matter who we are with. I wish for us all that we can find acceptance for our true selves with eachother, even for expressions of emotion that we judge to be wrong, bad, or misplaced. I hope that we can root out the places within each of us that we hate within ourselves and project onto eachother. I ask that we can bring healing and loving acceptance to these parts, for after all, these parts are still small children, and need alot of love, kindness, and compassion to grow up and take responsibility for their actions.

Many blessings,
Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

I am attracting restorative experiences into my life.

2006-11-27T06:42:20Z

Starting with this affirmation, can you add one that has worked for you? Or is there one you one to start using? Make one up and add it on. Just remember to use present tense and no words like NOT or DON"T when writing affirmations. (if those words keep coming up for you when you think of whatyou would like to say, then try think of the opposite thing of what you DON'T want).

Whose first?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 4 replies

With them, or without them

2006-11-26T19:28:16Z

This thread is inspired by comments in the 'get over it' thread. I have made a choice to stay the hell away from my family. Some have taken sides with my father, others have blamed me for what happened, and others don't believe my memories, or the extent of my abuse. ALL of them haven't given me the support I need to heal. It has caused so many reversals in the form of self hatred in me, over and over again. I just can't do it anymore. I am trying to increase my personal power, and they just want to tear me down. It's lonely sometimes, I wish I had a sister to talk to, or that my mother was more accepting. But everytime I try and approach them, I get the same shit. It's not worth it anymore. I would rather be alone with my partner.

What are your experiences with family, and what decisions have you made? Are you with them, or without them? Or somewhere in between?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 13 replies

Self Injury

2006-11-13T19:46:10Z

I found this article on self injury which relates to my experience, and maybe some of yours as well:

http://www.focusas.com/SelfInjury.html

I found it interesting in reading this that the cause cited for self injury is an inability to deal with emotions, or rather, not ever taught to deal with emotions and lack of acceptance for emotional expression. This is true for me. As I have learned to express my emotions, and they have been given acceptance, my desire to self harm has lessened.

Here is another site I found:

http://www.siari.co.uk/

Has anyone else here cut or hurt themselves to deal with pain?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 16 replies

Lies We Believe about Feelings

2006-11-13T04:08:44Z

I fet it was important to post this here at this time. I hope this inspires some of you to accept whatever you are feeling.

From cyquest.com:

Lies We Believe About Feelings

Most of what we currently believe about emotions is false. Here are some of the beliefs we have about feelings. These beliefs are not all inclusive, because each individual, each family and each culture has unique beliefs regarding emotions, most of which are not true. But knowing about these lies may help you to unravel the mystery of our past and how we got captured.

LIE #1: There are "good" feelings and "bad" feelings.

TRUTH: ALL FEELINGS ARE GOOD!

All feelings are good because they reflect back to us how an experience is affecting us. If we pretend that certain feelings are bad, rather than the experience is making us feel bad, it is like we are beating the wagon to make the horse move. Now, some feelings we do enjoy more than others; and we would like to continue to feel some feelings and stop feeling others. But the way to stop feeling an emotion we do not like is to stop experiencing whatever it is that is painful or hurtful.

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LIE #2: We can decide how we are going to feel.

TRUTH: FEELINGS CANNOT BE DICTATED.

You can choose to change your mind, but you cannot just choose to change your feelings, not without damaging your soul and possibly losing a large part of yourself.

You can tell a child not to be angry at someone, but that will not stop the anger. It will only teach a child to hide the anger and suppress the feelings, AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, teach the child that feelings are wrong or bad. Feelings are important to us because they tell us what we like and don't like. I will say this over and over again. I may react to something differently than you do because my reaction (which comes from my feelings), comes from who I am. You may not like to swim and your feelings tell you so. I may love to swim and my feelings tell me so. Each person is unique. Each person's feelings come from the deepest part of the self, to tell us who we are and how we want to live our lives and what we want to do and who we want to be with. We must not let the mind or intellect tell us what to do, when it is contrary to how we feel. The intellect, when it is working at its best, is making decisions for us and for our good based on how we feel.

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LIE #3: Expressing our feelings (through tears) does no good and is a waste of time. Expressing our feelings is even detrimental to our well-being.

TRUTH: EXPRESSING OUR FEELINGS IS THE ONLY ROAD TO TRUE EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND TO A NEW AND BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF OURSELVES AND OTHERS.

If I told you have you could never go to the toilet because it was bad for you, what would happen? You would become backed up and sick and your body would become filled with poisons from your own waste. Eventually you would have to let go....or you would explode with all the accumulated waste.

Emotions must also be passed through the body. If they are not passed through the body, they clog all your systems and leave poisons everywhere. The body is not designed to hold onto feelings. The body is designed to process and release feelings. If we do not release and eliminate the waste that accumulates from feelings, we become diseased and crippled.

Our bodies become sick and do not function properly.

We are unable to think clearly and we become ill-functioning in the mind. When we are backed up emotionally, our thinking becomes extremely clouded and distorted, we do not know what is true and what is false, and we do not understand our own actions and thoughts. We are unable to grasp reality because we are looking at our life and our experience through the waste of accumulated emotions that have poisoned our minds and bodies.

Our old emotions are suppressed and cannot function properly. They become pressurized and eventually erupt inappropriately, usually at someone we love.

This is one of the most important truths that we can embrace, because we all carry so much pain from the past.

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LIE #4: If we stop someone from crying, their feelings will go away.

TRUTH: OUR FEELINGS NEVER GO AWAY BY IGNORING THEM.

Our feelings do not go away because we stop expressing them. They just go underground, into our unconscious, stored along with the memories.

This is important to understand!

If you feel pain as you experience something and you do not process and release the pain, it stays with you in your memory banks as part of your memory, although usually frozen, hidden in the attic, and often not consciously remembered.

Considering how often we are hurt and not allowed to process our feelings naturally, we have to be carrying a big load of old hurt and all the corresponding poisons and wastes.

Unfortunately, the feelings do not go underground in such a way that they no longer affect us. Our own denied emotions are affecting us every minute of every day.

They affect everything...
our thinking
our relationships
our ability to love
our ability to be creative
our peace of mind
and our physical health.

THE FEELINGS DO NOT GO AWAY, THEY JUST MOVE OUT OF OUR AWARENESS.

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LIE #5: Feelings lie. They are an unreliable barometer of the truth.

TRUTH: FEELINGS ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH

Our emotions are our surest way to know what is true about any situation. Our emotions always tell us the truth long before the mind can understand a situation or discern danger. This is partly because the mind is primarily a linear thing. It sees, thinks, and makes decisions in a linear fasion. Whereas the discernment that comes from our soul, our emotions, is very different. Our emotions respond to feeling nuances in a situation as a whole, even without mental understandings. You might be used to thinking of this as instinct, intuition, gut reaction, sensing. Whatever you call it, the emotions have the power to keep us safe and help us understand the world and ourselves by telling us the whole truth about a person or situation.

However, there is a problem: when emotions go unexpressed, they freeze in time. What this means is that we often respond to a present day situation with a backlog of stored frozen emotions from our past. This is inappropriate, obviously, but that doesn't mean the emotions are lying. All it means is that in order to be able to respond and feel truly in the present with all of our resources, we need to heal all the old trapped, frozen emotions we have locked up in the attic.

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LIE #6: If you express your feelings through tears, it means you are weak, undisciplined, out of control and (for men) not masculine.

TRUTH: FEELINGS ARE NOT WEAK; IN FACT THEY ARE THE STRONGEST PART OF US.

For instance, we like to believe that our will power is a facet of our minds. But our will and our power comes from our feelings. We DO things because of our desire and passion. We may decide what we want to do with our minds, but if our feelings are not in alignment, we will most surely fail.

Our feelings give our life purpose, meaning and direction.
Our feelings give our life color, texture and dimension.
Our positive feelings tell us what we like.
Our negative feelings tell us what we don't like.

A truly mature and self-actualized person is not one who lives totally in his mind, but one who has come to understand his own feelings and acts on them appropriately. It is when we act inappropriately because of our feelings that we get into trouble and cause harm, both to others and ourselves.

But it is not the feelings themselves that cause problems.
It is the suppression of feelings that causes problems.

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LIE #7: Once you have experienced emotional trauma and deep pain, you are stuck with the feelings forever and must learn to live with them, overcome them and ultimately suppress them.

TRUTH: ALL FEELINGS, PAST OR PRESENT, CAN BE RELEASED COMPLETELY AND WILL BE GONE FOREVER.

Once feelings have been released, wonderful natural processes begin to spontaneously activate. A re-evaluation process takes place and gives you new understanding. Awarenesses that you did not have before lead to changed beliefs and new decisions, and an outpouring of love and forgiveness takes place automatically.

There is no hurt that cannot be healed, whether it is a hurt we have given or hurt we have received. All hurt feelings can be released until they are gone. This is part of the miracle of how feelings work if they are allowed to function naturally.

Our feelings must be allowed to surface and we must process them if we are to understand what they have to teach us. Unprocessed feelings do cause many problems. But feelings that have been accepted, honored and allowed to move through tears, are the most valuable tool we have.

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LIE #8: You are what you feel.

TRUTH: FEELINGS ARE NOT SET IN STONE AND THEY ARE NOT AN INDICATION OF WHO YOU ARE.

As long as emotions are allowed to express organically, as long as they are not suppressed or judged, they can heal and evolve.

You can feel murderous hatred and desire to kill someone. This does not make you evil or bad. This doesn't make you a murderer (unless you ACT on the feeling). All it means is you have a feeling that needs acceptance and expression, and once given those two precious gifts, will move itself to healing and will no longer be whatever it was. It will evolve naturally and spontaneously into something else. We all suffer under the weight of this lie that says what we feel is who we are, and therefore we try our best to suppress all feelings that we judge as bad, wrong, evil, or unloving.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

Gender Hatred

2006-11-08T17:58:52Z

Originally posted by Lunatwin:

"Re: Self InjuryToday, 12:39 PM
in response to: Re: Self Injury
This is really good and timely for me. I'm recovering from very minor surgery right now, but it's enough to put me into a down place. I'm having all kinds of bizarre dreams and feelings washing over me and what keeps coming up is that I'm still so angry and fearful with men...I don't want to be, I know this anger and fear is foreign to the me that I want to be...it hurts me. I feel some hatred, and I hate it. Wondering if you think this kind of practice is good for what I'm feeling....Also, women on the tribe, would love to know what you have done to help heal your anger towards men. Men on the tribe...I want to say please don't take it personally
(not that you necessarily would), I know this isn't right, it's such a hard feeling, that I really don't want anymore. It makes me so sad."

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 5 replies

this is so hard

2006-11-03T05:30:56Z

I talked to my boyfriend about all the stuff that happened this weekend - I expressed my anger, we talked it out, got to a much better place. I was reminded of what a good person he is, and that I misinterpret things a lot. So I felt great afterwards, but I guess he didn't...looks like he's considering breaking up with me because all of this is a lot to deal with. Not so fun for him, it turns out. I know if he is the right person for me, this won't destroy our relationship, but god this is hard. To know that your own screwed-up-ness is causing you to possibly lose someone you love...there's just not much about it that's good.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 17 replies

Triggers

2006-11-02T17:00:29Z

This is a difficult subject, I know. Triggers can be messy, unsafe, and painful, especially if you don't know how to deal with it. Most of the feelings that come up for me when I get triggered, are intense feelings of fear, that I'm in danger, or that someone I love is trying to hurt me. Recognizing that these are old feelings has helped me tremendously in putting the feelings into the correct context.

For instance, having my genitals or breasts touched sometimes triggers great fear in me that my lover is just using me, or that he will hurt me. If I act on these feelings by pushing him away or accusing him, he gets hurt and the feelings don't get resolved.

Also, I sometimes experience body memories which translate as severe pain in my pelvic area, breasts, or throat. There aren't always images with these kinds of memories, or with feelings either. Sometimes it's impossible to know what situation was responsible for the feelings and body sensations.

What has helped me in these situations, is having total acceptance for the feelings, sensations, or images that I'm receiving. Expressing honestly, and to the best of my ability with words so that my partner knows what is happening, gets me the support I need, and helps me to see that he is not responsible for the way I feel.

So much happens for me in these situations. I am completely overwhelmed with feelings, and disabled by them. I used to try to repress them by using drugs, drinking, or smoking large quantities of pot, which I call the 'it's all good' medicator. However, these things stopped working after a while.

Now, I get through the best I can by expressing how I feel with words, sounds, and body movement. I understand through repeated experience that the feelings eventually pass, especially if I allow them.

When they get really bad, I use distractions if I can't get them to move by allowing them expression. I watch movies, get tattooed, go online, read books, drink tea, play solitaire, sew, help someone else, paint, or sleep. I try to avoid things like self mutilation, or bingeing and purgeing but it doesn't always work. If I resort to self destructive behaviors, I usually call the crises line if I don't have a supportive and understanding person available to talk to. But I always, always try feeling the feelings and expressing them first.

Sometimes simply saying, "I'm scared" resolves the fear. Sometimes it takes much more than that. What I want to know is, how do all of you deal with your triggers?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 8 replies

I think I might try to tell my story.......

2006-11-02T16:49:46Z

I'm not sure though. I'm kind of scared to. A little ashamed. I am questioning whether I should or not.......

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 1 reply

Minimizing

2006-11-01T10:49:57Z

This is a phenomena that we as survivors do to ourselves, I feel, to reinforce the idea others have pounded into us that we are essentially "ok" compared to other people. If we are really "ok" to ourselves and the world, we don't need to look deeper and acknowledge how hurt we really are. We can avoid falling apart. Is this really a good thing?

Falling apart and accepting the depths of my wounds is what has enabled me to identify my pain and heal it. My wounds are no worse than anyone elses. Pain is pain. How can we measure whether one pain is worse than another pain?

My whole life I have been told that I am "ok". I convinced myself that I was "ok" when actually I wasn't. I believed that other people had it worse than I did, and that my wounds weren't that important in comparison. I was constantly minimizing my own experience. The reality was that I hadn't recovered enough memories to really know the extent of my abuse. How could I when I was trying so hard to be "ok"?

Minimizing dishonors our own experience in favor of someone elses. Until we honor and validate our own experience as truly horrible, painful, unfair, etc., we can't truly bring in the healing we need.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Hi

2006-11-01T05:18:34Z

I'm kind of new here.....I just thought I'd say hi....I'm not quite ready to tell my story yet....and I'm not really sure I belong here....but I was invited so I thought I would check it out.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 11 replies

Fear or Love

2006-10-31T23:55:34Z

Panjoyah's Sharings
HEALING AND DEALING ARTICLES
The Emotional Body
Fear "or" Love

"So what're ya gonna choose, fear or love?"

The ultimate rhetorical question, posed by smugly smiling gurus of all ilks down thru history. There is no possible answer; the two forces are not really oppositional. There's no way of "choosing" because fear is felt in a millisecond. It's already there, and it's quicker than you are.

Fear is embedded in us from the start, and when the sleeping giant of fear gets stirred by an inner or outer event, the real choice around what to do with it is love it (by acknowledging, accepting and expressing how it really feels) or fear it (denying it--pushing it away by mentally lifting out of it with affirmations or a strong intent to "overcome it").

Fear is not the problem; it is simply another emotion to be felt, like grief or anger. Fear of fear is the problem. Fear of fear is rooted in judgment and hatred for how it feels to be afraid. This isn't wrong; it's actually quite important to notice what is in the way of feeling and expressing. If you hate your fear, that's the starting place. Hate it, but let the hatred blow up big and in sound. Judge it, rage at it, spew out loud how much you hate it. Stomp around, imagine putting your fear in chair and whap the life out of it with pillows or a plastic bat. Eventually, releasing those judgments of fear is going to be important.

The way to truly transform "crunchy" emotions like fear, rage, or hurt is to let the emotions vibrate by allowing the sound to come up from the place in our bodies where we feel the emotion, into our throats and out our mouths as sounds; weird sounds, loud sounds, tears. This is the only way to organically transform an emotion at its root. We have all tried cutting emotions off as a way to "get rid of them", separating ourselves from the feelings in various ways, but that kind of denial catches up with us sooner or later.

I propose the following definition of fear: a deep, non-mental mistrust that something which is perceived to have power over us might hurt us in some way. Or, an indefinable mistrust of ourselves or another. Mistrust is the keyword. Fear, or any emotion that we have labelled negative can be born into love thru accepting its presence and allowing its expression, and new understandings will fill us when we are done expressing, about why we felt the way we did. Fear or mistrust, once within love, becomes trust.

A big part of our problem with emotional expression is, we've been taught from birth to deny the fullness of our emotional expression, and here we approach the roots of denial. Emotions if completely accepted for what they are, express themselves in sound. A baby in its first year of life is a ball of sound. Slowly but surely, inner and outer forces conspire to contain the level, breadth, and freedom of expression until expression in many adults happens rarely if ever. We feel it sometimes rise up from the inner depths still, but we routinely push down this rising inclination to make sound... which then squeezes itself out of us nonetheless, once we've magnetized a particular life experience big enough to trigger it (funny how that works, eh?). Without self-acceptance, that expression looks as twisted and feels as yucky to ourselves and others as we've judged it to be.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 0 replies

Rage

2006-10-31T20:07:08Z

Maybe this will help some of you to understand the role that rage plays:

Your rage is looking for a vehicle,
a wave to ride outward from you where you have it imprisoned and shackled.

Your rage wants life, breath
fire to flame and blame and burn.

It has never known the light of full acceptance.

When it has come out of the darkness,
it has come like a freight train
belching poison fumes into the air
barreling down on its targets without care
a huge destructive force without heart.

Consciousness it has, but not the consciousness of loving light.

While it has fought the shackles and chains for eons,
the consciousness of unloving light has become its ally.

This Dark Consciousness has worked hard to help rage break free.

This Dark Consciousness is so interlaced with your own, it is very hard to feel the difference.

They have become Siamese twins within you.

And rage
which should be helping you discern in this
sees only that the Dark Consciousness is its friend
believes only that the Dark Consciousness is righteous
and right

and believes that you are its enemy.

Fettered rage and Dark Consciousness.
They feed each other.
The Dark Consciousness
feeds your rage
shows your rage pictures designed to enflame (and it's so easy to do)
builds a path for rage to escape and break free
to wreak havoc
a path made of justifications and reasons and rationales and frozen points of view.

Dark Consciousness lulls the guards to sleep with its reason and its righteousness.

It is very clever.
It will never use something you KNOW to be false.
It will use things that are mostly true,
partly true,
truths that can be twisted.

It will use your beliefs ... and your feelings ...
your fears,
your love,
your desire to protect,
your pain.

Especially it will use things you perceive about others.
Those are the things that feed its agenda best.
For what is a weapon without a target?

Rage and Dark Consciousness are in collusion with one another.
But where rage is only seeking expression and acceptance,
Dark Consciousness is seeking conflict, and chaos, and harm.
Rage, compressed enough to become hatred, will also seek to cause harm, but that is not its primary essence.

Dark Consciousness also carries another agenda, a more deadly and insidious one.

It seeks to prevent rage from actually moving and finding healing.
It wants to keep rage spinning in righteous acting out.
It seeks to prevent rage from believing you.

For if rage found real healing, its charge would dissipate, and Dark Consciousness would no longer have a vehicle to ride and create chaos with. It would no longer have a slave to whipcrack and lie to and prod into useless battles.

And so ...
Dark Consciousness stokes the engines, and rides the train of destruction...
a gleeful conductor,
feeding the fires with righteousness,
setting up the standard of superiority,
weaving words of attack for rage to use,
and laying down cleverly crafted traps for "the enemy".

And when the train gradually runs out of steam?
When no more enemies can be found to plow into the ground?
Do the guards begin to awaken again,
and slowly draw rage back into its prison?
Do they re-attach the chains
lock the doors
and lash themselves with guilt for being so weak and letting rage loose?
Or do you nurse rage at your bosom,
stroke its head with praise
and simmer,
waiting for the next round?

I ask you to notice these things in your rage, in your desire to slice each other with words.

Notice.

Notice when you feel high on righteousness,
when you feel puffed up like a balloon,
believing yourself to be the sword of truth,
cutting down the evil "enemy"
whatever form they may take.

Notice when you are oh so right.
And none can win an argument with you.
You have all the answers.
All the angles.

That is the time when
Dark Consciousness has your rage in a spell.

Notice it.

Notice when others seem to be hurt by you
all out of proportion to what you thought you were expressing.

Have you felt this bafflement?
Has it seemed to you that ...
they are overly sensitive?
unable to "handle" rage?
dramatizing?
lying?

If you could see the energy swirling out from you,
if you could see the damage caused by your barreling train

Notice ...
how Dark Consciousness causes your rage to radiate more poison
how the knife of your rage cuts a deeper swath than you meant,
draws more blood
causes more harm.

At these times
what you may think is just your own rage expression...
is so much more.

The solution is not in justifying the freight train,
nor in ignoring the damage that it does.

Ask your heart.

How will your heart feel
when you wake from your werewolf rampage
to find yourself standing in a pool of blood
?
Will you pretend you don't care?
Will you shove your heart away from you and scorn its weakness?
Will you tell yourself you're not really hurting anyone?
Will you tell yourself it's all their own fault?
That it doesn't matter?
That this rampage is justified, payment for chains?

Feel how your heart feels.
Feel how the feathery petals of YOUR most sensitive places burn
and writhe
and cringe
and scream.

This is real, the damage caused is real.
NOTICE IT!

You must begin
somewhere
the process of noticing ...
of separating out your consciousness
from the Dark Consciousness
with its dark agenda.

You must begin to reclaim your rage's allegiance.

Thus far it has been in appearance only,
despite your commitment
and your shining halo.

Begin re-negotiations with your rage.

I mean this quite literally.

You must apologize to your rage,
for judging it
for holding it back
for hating it
for blaming it.

Your rage sees you - loving consciousness - as the enemy, as the jailor.
And rightfully so.

It has no reason to listen to you, to trust you.
It has no reason to believe you, after long eons of shunning and incarceration.

Rage must first be allowed to express itself
about being held back
about being hated
and judged
and killed
and not listened to.

And this must be done WITHOUT WORDS.

Without words.
From its deepest depths,
from the screeching, red-filled marrow,
bring forth the primal cry of the infant,
let the acrid tears squeeze out from eyes too long dry,
let the gutteral growl of the beast mingle with the wrenching sobs
let your body teach you what it has always known
how to let these things move
and heal
without words.

Dark Consciousness is so intertwined with rage, and the two are so interdependent, that rage's TRUE feelings have rarely, if ever, been expressed without the presence - and more importantly, the INFLUENCE - of the Dark Consciousness.

And remember, Dark Consciousness has a secret agenda.

Rage will not believe that you mean to give it expression and acceptance. And Dark Consciousness will feed rage's doubt.

Rage will fight you.
Rage will tell you tears are not how it wants to heal.
It will tell you it MUST speak,
MUST roll over others like a locomotive.

This is rage's belief, but
notice
how
it
NEVER FINDS RELIEF OR HEALING IN THIS WAY.

So why does rage believe it?

Rage has been lied to.
But it doesn't know it.

It has been shaped and molded by Dark Consciousness.

Never having known true acceptance and true expression, it believes that this is the only choice,
to break the walls,
to let loose the charge,
to follow the path that the Dark Consciousness has laid.

It has to learn trust from the ground up, one inch at a time, in baby steps.

I say again, this expression must be done without words.

If you can get rage to move in you fully without words just one time, the next time will be easier.

The more rage moves in this way, the more REAL relief and healing it will find.

And the more trust will be built between you.

Slowly, slowly
rage will let go of the hand of the Dark Consciousness
and will turn to you instead.

Little by little
rage will know that the Dark Consciousness has been the liar
not you.

Inch by inch
rage will find true acceptance in your eyes
and relief and healing in its expression
instead of the constant
neverending
relentless
bound
gagged
compressed
pounding
churning
swirling
vortex

that has been its reality.

Little by little
you will become whole.

from cyquest.com

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 10 replies

Welcome to the new members

2006-10-28T19:44:10Z

I'm glad you are here, and I hope you find this to be a healing place.

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 0 replies

Foley's revellations

2006-10-26T20:25:19Z

What do you think about how and why Foley is starting to talk about his childhood sexual abuse?

Is it his appology for being a total fraud/perv in congess? Is he crucifying himself because he is losing his position, his political and professional supporters? Why does he think it is important to speak out now about being a victim of a priest's abuse?

How do you think these issues of child abuse and clergy abuse will affect the public's understanding of his abuses of power in congress?

Is this becoming a general Republican crack-up?
What the **** is going on?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 3 replies

Sex

2006-10-23T20:05:48Z

I've been having sex my whole life, and just recently had an experience that showed me what sex between two loving people can really be. I felt the energetic exchange that can happen when both people are fully present in the moment.

Most of my life sex has been about giving a good and convincing performance for my partner, and going past my feelings. Over the last three years, we stop during sex and talk about what we are feeling when feelings come up in the moment. This is bringing alot of healing to me and my partner.

Being honest during sex was difficult for a long time because I had fears that my partner would leave me if I didn't please him right. I hated sex for a long time because I felt so broken and everytime I had it, feelings came up and we would have to stop. I just wanted to be normal! ( whatever that is )

What are your experiences with sex, and how do you deal with it?

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 41 replies

Psyche Ward

2006-10-23T17:01:50Z

I'm going in tomorrow. I have some terror that is surfacing, and one of my alters insists on trying to commit suicide if I allow these feelings to come up. I need to be in a safe place for a few days to get things moving and have some professional support around me. I'll post again in the morning before I go. I'll check in with all of you later today.

Daisy

posted in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - 8 replies