topic posted Mon, January 8, 2007 - 5:38 AM by  Unsubscribed
I recently found out about this site

Is is junk or is it worth it? Anyone have any luck?
posted by:
  • Re: collarme

    Mon, January 8, 2007 - 6:21 AM
    It is much a real mixed bag. There are many jerks, game players, and wantabes of both sexes there. BUT, I have found a bunch of friends that I keep in touch with, several lovers, and 2 ltrs there. Like most things, it requires some effort and rewards patience <smile>. And the forums are interesting, but not nearly as insightful as the Tribes - lol.
  • Re: collarme

    Mon, January 8, 2007 - 9:21 AM
    I think collarme is well worth visiting for a couple reasons. Primarily, they seem to have better ads, ads kept more current, and I've actually gotten responses both to my own ad and to email sent to other people's ads. I've gotten pretty much zero responses to ads on alt or

    Collarme forums are technically very difficult to manage. There's no way to read for particular threads, no way to mark threads, no way to see what's unread, and no way to adjust the interface. That said, the conversation tends to be a slight step above topics, with somewhat more open participants, though not necessarily more knowledgeable. You get more knowledgeable responses here on tribe, I think, where the quotient of "online d/s" people seems to be almost nil.
  • Re: collarme

    Mon, January 8, 2007 - 9:49 AM
    Unlike teamnoir, my experience with collarme has been bad. I've had a profile there for years, but I only seem to get inane responses. I also have a profile on, and have met several interesting people that way.

    The average response I get on collarme reads, "hi mistress! r u available 4 chat?"
    • Re: collarme

      Mon, January 8, 2007 - 10:57 AM
      I've got an ad looking for a woman, and the responses are all men. Mostly starting, "I know you're looking for a woman, but I'm much better (because I have a penis.)"

      • Re: collarme

        Mon, January 8, 2007 - 12:16 PM

        > Mostly starting, "I know you're looking for a woman, but I'm much better (because I have a penis.)"



        What /morons/ !

        I hope you have a nice, polite, 1-liner formletter to send them:

        "I'm into knifeplay, in a BIG way. You don't /quite/ meet my profile... yet. But I can fix that little problem of yours..."

        - Steve
        • Re: collarme

          Mon, January 8, 2007 - 4:04 PM
          I've just stopped bothering to answer anything on there.

          Same with

          I had an ad there for a houseboy/girl, and all I got was guys wanting to have sex--usually married guys who's wives just didn't understand them. (And if his wife didn't understand him, why would he think *I* would give a damn?) Since my ad specified that I wasn't intending to have sex with my houseboy/girl, I'm not sure at all why they bothered to send me email. But it certainly did not make me look upon them with anything but contempt.

      • Re: collarme

        Mon, January 8, 2007 - 12:37 PM
        Most of the personals sites have a lie. They ask for "orientation" when what they really want to know is the gender of the person(s) you're interested in meeting. There's no way to say, "I'm bi, but only looking for women".

        I have that problem on and collarme both. I search for "women looking for men" and get about 10% ads from women, marked "bi", looking for "women only" in the text of their ad. And yes, after seeing a bunch of those in the "women looking for men" searches, it's extremely tempting to either answer their ad or ask why they're listing themselves in the "women looking for men" sections.
        • Re: collarme

          Mon, January 8, 2007 - 1:05 PM
          That is a very good point. And say, if you are intereted in switchs and submissives/slaves, you have to go with "any" and get the dominants as well. It is far from perfect, but it remains a free service.

          Their categorizing and filtering system is actually much better than it used to be in some respects, there was no allowance for transgenders a number of years ago. It used to drive me crazy when this one M to F transgendered sub was always at the top of my searches!
      • Unsu...

        Re: collarme

        Mon, January 8, 2007 - 2:17 PM
        • Re: collarme

          Mon, January 8, 2007 - 2:21 PM
          now I'm tempted to place an ad just to see how many men forget to read my specifics...not that I'd object to a cabana boy or two...
          this is common, however, on every dating or community networking site I belong to. Even Tribe...
          • Re: collarme

            Mon, January 8, 2007 - 3:57 PM
            The singles ad wisdom seems to be that women get about 100/1 junk to plausible responses while men just get that one plausible response. I'm not sure which is worse.
      • Re: collarme

        Mon, January 8, 2007 - 5:11 PM
        "...because I have a penis."

        That's easy to answer:

        "Just one? How pathetic. I have a dozen."
        • Re: collarme

          Mon, January 8, 2007 - 5:15 PM
          I was at a pan (het centric) party one evening, with three really beautiful ladies as my dates. (Okay, they were all prodommes, and they all worked with me. That's how I get that lucky.) The male tops were hitting on the ladies who would then point at me and go, "We're with Ma'am." Finally one of the guys came over to me and said, "How do you rate that?" and I said, "Simple, my penis is bigger than yours."

  • Re: collarme

    Tue, January 9, 2007 - 1:43 PM
    My goal is to meet at least play partners/friends, and if I get more from one of these relationships then that's outstanding. With that goal in mind, here is my PERSONAL experience with on-line services of any kind ...

    While I've found play partners and friends on-line, finding play partners by mingling in-person is FAR more efficacious than trying to find play partners on-line.

    If over a period of ten weeks I spend two hours at some BDSM gathering (of any kind) each week, I'll make quite a few friendly acquaintances as well as a couple of new play partners. If I spend the same time over the ten weeks on-line, I'm lucky to end up with any results at all. (I don't know; maybe I suck on-line).

    I'm talking, here, about partner-meeting sites like ALT, COLLARME, BONDAGE, etc. - but NOT Tribe. For me a lot of Tribe is about supplemental communication with the same people that I already see in-person anyway.

    So my advice is to spend your best time in-person meeting people face-to-face.

    But if you MUST navigate the BDSM cyber-world, know that ...

    On-line, there's a lot of trashy behavior among both the men and women there. You're going to have to sift through a lot of poseurs and dysfunctional people to find quality folks.

    Some women place excellent, detailed ads with clear specifics about who they are and whom they seek, but armies of asshole men spam them with totally inapproriate, rude, clueless, and even idiotic overtures. The quality e-mails from more appropriately matching men often get lost in the flood of garbage, so that the experience becomes one of low quality for the women. The result is that these women who had the best of intentions originally become discouraged and stop responding to e-mails altogether.

    On the other hand, some men read women's ads carefully and write thoughtful, relevant e-mails only to those women who are an apparent match. Unfortunately, the vast majority of these e-mails go unanswered, either because they are received by quality women who have suffered the discouragement described in the above paragraph, or because the women who receive them are ill-mannered and discourteous. In either case, the e-mails go unanswered - not even the courtesy of a "No thank you, because ...". As a result, the MEN now become discouraged and stop taking the time that they once did, reverting to a more buckshot approach which resembles that of the spammer-men. (Who want's to keep carefully crafting e-mails that are never even acknowledged?)

    Anyhow, the negative experiences of both genders feeds on each other and renders the whole process much less efficient that in-person meetings.

    Now, if you MUST swim in this fluid, COLLARME is the best site because it's free, it's well-populated, it allows for including certain physical characteristics that the other sites don't, and many of the profiles (of both genders) are excellent. (And a profile is still excellent if it gives you enough information to know that you are NOT a match, right?)

    But to second the comment made by one of the gentlemen earlier in this post, it really is a common annoyance to have so many women list "Seeking Dominant Men" and thus catch your filter, but then in the text say something like, "Seeking women only". WTF? :-)

    OK. This novel will soon be available at your local Borders Bookstores. :-)

    • Unsu...

      Re: collarme

      Tue, January 9, 2007 - 2:02 PM
      I love a man with a great sense of humor .... Thanks for the last paragraph in your amazing novella .... : )

      I've been lucky to have received some really nice well-thought out replies to my ad on ....

      But ... I have not been lucky that most of them are from men who live way the hell away from here!!!!!
      So what good was the well thought out answer to my ad ... if you don't live near enough to do anything about it!?

      I did meet one person from .... and I just was not attracted to him physically so it didn't work out.

      I actually had more luck on craigslist!!!!!

      And I have met a few here on tribe .... two who joined tribe because they googled certain words and came across my profile .... and they had to join to e-mail me .....

      I am just now starting to go to play parties at The Citadel so am slowly meeting more people --- and one sub who I will play with soon when he comes back to town ....

      I love my life.
    • Re: collarme

      Tue, January 9, 2007 - 2:26 PM
      My yield is no where near as good as Max's, either on or offline. And it's much worse using either alone.

      My best results come from a combination of discussion forums, (like tribe), which are either local or have strong local representation, and local social meetings like munches, classes, etc. In the absence of discussion forums, I never get to know anyone at all, really, much less get to the point of asking anyone to play, regardless of whether we meet on or offline. With discussion forums only, I can get to know people all day, but if I never meet them in person, then we can't really play in any of the ways I want to.

      Profiles are useful, I think, but they haven't been useful to me as lead advertising. I don't think anyone has ever read one of my profiles and sent me a wannaplay. Rather, people read what I write, get to know me a little, and eventually get around to checking out my profile on various sites. If they like what they read, they still don't usually write me, but rather, they seem to be more open to meeting me in person when we eventually do run into each other at a munch or a party.

      In the years that I've been on tribe, (since shortly after it's founding), I've met and played with exactly one person from tribe. I've met and played with one person from livejournal, but a couple of other people have become friends and play is still a possibility. I haven't yet met anyone from okcupid,,, or collarme. I have met a number of people from local mailing lists, though. Historically, in my career in the scene, I've by far had the best yield from mailing lists.

      Ps, the problem with collarme discussion forums is therefor fairly significant for me. But I still think it's a pretty good site.
      • Re: collarme

        Tue, January 9, 2007 - 2:33 PM
        Oh, and my goal is much like Max's. I hope to meet people, make friends and hopefully play partners. From there, the rest is gravy.

        Another peeve are people who think that they must find their soul mates before they'll be willing to play at all, or who think that play necessarily means sex-in-private. I'm not going to judge anyone to be my soul mate until after we've played and had sex. And all I'm really looking for initially is a casual flogging. There seem to be a ton of people on, for instance, who think that casual flogging is equivalent to indescriminant unsafe sex. I don't know where the misunderstanding comes from, but I've certainly been turned down by a number of people on the ads sites, (and speed dating events, etc), because the woman claimed to be looking for a ltr, and judged me to be looking for casual sex.

        Are these people "saving it for marriage"? I guess I don't understand. Do people really date, go to dinner, movies, etc, and consider their relationship to be kinky even in the total absence of sex or play?
        • Unsu...

          Re: collarme

          Tue, January 9, 2007 - 2:38 PM
          I'm with you TN .... it's why I'm looking for my soulmate in the context of the lifestyle .... play is an absolute necessity to even knowing for sure the person could be my soulmate ..... I'm for "dating" as well as playing .... in combination .... to find the person who will be mine .... (okay even if for a short period of time) ..... : )

          but I am hoping for a long term relationship coming from meeting people and dating and playing .... in the meantime, I'm meeting a lot of great people and making new friends, too ....
        • Re: collarme

          Tue, January 9, 2007 - 9:47 PM
          >> There seem to be a ton of people on, for instance, who think that casual flogging is equivalent to indescriminant unsafe sex. I don't know where the misunderstanding comes from <<

          I think it comes from the fact that women in general tend to bond much more closely through sex and play than men do, I think.

          I know that for myself, that's a lot of what's behind the fact that I rarely play casually, especially if I don't already know the dom in question reasonably well. The more attracted I am, the less I really want to play casually - but of course, I also don't want to play with anyone I really don't find attractive at all. But I generally just don't want those desires flowing unless I've picked someone to let them out who might actually be a longer term prospect than one evening's playdate.

          I've done it and found myself head over heels and mooning over someone for months when further contact with the dom in question revealed that he had no interest whatsoever. It's even possible that the very fact that I *did* play with him when I did may have actually worked against me in his deciding not to see me again. I just don't particularly want to go there again - it hurts too much, and keeps me from meeting others for too long.

          A dinner date, a movie, a walk in the park with someone interesting? Sure. Playing *is* *much* more sexual than that, and *can* launch *much* stronger emotions too soon.

      • Re: collarme

        Tue, January 9, 2007 - 6:18 PM
        Wow! Good point and I totally left that out. Ditto on the value of discussion forums! Thanks, Teamnoir.

        Now, you've mentioned mailing lists as an avenue that you have had success with. That's for meeting potential play partners, right? If so, that's something I have no knowledge or experiece with but would like to learn about. Do you have any information or advice that you'd care to share on that topic? Maybe this would be good as a separate posting?

        • Re: collarme

          Tue, January 9, 2007 - 7:05 PM
          The mailing lists I'm thinking of are just discussion lists and fill the same role as tribe. I'm aware of one active in San Jose and a couple of only mildly active ones around the rest of the SF Bay.
  • Re: collarme

    Tue, January 9, 2007 - 5:19 PM
    I have found is a good site if you are a man looking for a man. I have met several people who have turned into friends. I have met numerous play partners. I have even connected people (like social networking--I am not into [fill in kink], but I know someone who is. Tell me your email and I will send it to him.)
  • Re: collarme

    Tue, August 21, 2007 - 10:54 AM
    We have found that "Collarme" is a somewhat useful site although we have had a much better response from "MySpace", and "Tribes. Collarme offers many of the same people already available on Myspace, but allows for much better search direction. We have offered advice on many subjects on most of these sites, and welcome all who participate to either ask questions or profess answers to the ones that desire to learn.

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