topic posted Fri, August 8, 2008 - 12:43 PM by  Barb

If your under 25 you are not a Domme or a Dom! You are a person learning to become a Dominant man or women! I have received hundreds of mail correspondences from people telling me that they are what they are not. It takes patience, learning, listening to instructors at gatherings combined with personal experience to achieve being addressed as a Domme or Dom.

Sometimes I still recall when I was in my twenties at which time many guys who put on a 40 dollar black leather vest called themselves a Dom or Master! Women too, seeking just sex with others, put on a short leather skirt and showed their low cut blouse, and called themselves a DOMME! OMG it irks me now to still see ads from both sexes claiming to be Dominants at the ripe age of 18-25!

I have served both sexes in my lifetime so far, at times together because I am a slave! But I am no idiot either and a woman about to turn forty is no fool. For all you wanna bie Owners and lovers - get some experience!

If you are older with no experience or education in Bondage and D/s to speak of - please don't call yourself a Dom either - live to learn, seek out the information you seek and in time we slaves will see your progression and call you a Dom.


posted by:
  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Fri, August 8, 2008 - 2:26 PM
    If you say so.
    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:25 PM
      Interesting opinion. My observation is that not everyone matures at the same rate, or starts exploring kink or sexuality at the same age. I think that the common age to begin exploring sexual fantasies is in your late teens or early twenties. However, there are many people who begin in their thirties or forties or later. Life experiences add to your kink repertoire, so I think it might be hard to place an age on a skillset. For example, I have a friend that is a submissive that is 20. She has been doing D/s for 5+ years. I am in my 30s and have much less kink experience but a lot more life experience. We give each other advice.

      As for what to call each other, that one is a hard pill to swallow. I have a hard time calling people Master who make it part of their names, but if they do, I'm trying to honor that. So, if you wanna be called Master Jolly Mambo King or Dom or Domme or whatever, I will do so. It might come out all fast like Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but I'll try to get it out. lol
  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Fri, August 8, 2008 - 7:33 PM
    I know quite a few people here in the SF Bay Area who have been learning and practicing BDSM seriously since they were in their late teens. Now in their late 20's they have ten years of really solid experience. That counts for quite a bit.

    And let's not forget the difference between "Dom/Domme" and "Master/Mistress".

    Just a couple of things for you to consider.

    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Thu, April 19, 2012 - 11:35 AM
      Oh Maxi,

      A Master/ Dom / Top or Owner are mostly the same to me. Many of the words we now use in the D/s community are nothing more than a politically correctiveness going amok, and to the extreme. The connotations we all use to explain ourselves remain clouded by our individualized preferences!

      Just as described - submissive, slaves, bottoms, all remain very similar when it comes to play. I have heard it all over the years and revert back to what one old man told me long ago - before 1980 he said there were only Tops/bottoms, Masters/slaves. I even did some serious research and found this to be mostly true. As our society began to become more socially tolerant of our D/s community, words as Submissive, and Dominant became more prevalent. For that matter - many of todays descriptions used in our community began on the West coast.

      One must understand that words as submission, master, have been around for hundreds of years, but just as words like - Flight Attendant (formally - stewardess/Stuart) Server ( formally - waitress/waiter) have been reinvented by our modern society. Most of us know being "Gay" now has a much different meaning then it once had.

      The line which describes most of us here on this and other sites has been drawn in our individual mind association as this community developed. I admit I too was confused when I began exploring D/s. One guy called himself a master, and did not expect me to have rules, claiming slaves have no limits! Another master - asked me about what limits I may have - were they wrong? If so which one?

      I have played with women who hated being called a slaves and preferred submissive - to only find that some others claimed that they are slaves with limits! Uhhh!
      Maybe you guys out there on the W. coast are a little different then us Midwesterners? We are just not as wordy as you out there. If you care to do some research - research the word DOMME that should spark your interests for some time. It is always nice to hear from you-all, and listen to your views and criticism.

      No offense meant to you or any of the other contributors! :)
  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Sat, August 9, 2008 - 4:53 PM
    Did you play with someone who was not as experienced as you would have liked? You don't have to be 25 years old for that to happen....... It's just as common in the 30's & 40's crowd in my opinion...
    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Sun, August 10, 2008 - 7:49 AM
      Now that is a good guess, Tripod. I was wondering what made her so bitter. I know women who have studied and worked to learn who are incredible dominants at a very young age. And I know people in their forties and fifties who are terrible at it, some who claim years in the scene.

      Age has nothing to do with it.
  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Sun, August 10, 2008 - 9:11 AM
    Of course the question that naturally came into my mind after reading your post is: "who made you the decision maker of what kind of person gets to call themselves a dom/me and what kind doesn't?.

    As other folks have already noted, age and experience, as well as skill aren't directly corrolated. There are quite a few people who started exploring their kink WAY before turning 18. At the same time, there are many who, after having lived a vanilla existance for many years decide in their later years that they're ready to give their kinky side a chance. I personally think it's a little silly to be a part of a community where free expression is such a valued idea while publicly declaring what others can or cannot title themselves...but what do I know? I'm only 27.

    As a relative newbie, I have a lot of respect for what many describe as the "Old Guard" way of living leather. Judging from the people I know who live this way, I doubt many would impose their views on others the way it seems like you're doing.

    I personally suggest that, just for your personal benefit you consider abandoning this "if you must be..." way of thinking because unless you live in a world completely different from mine, it just doesn't work that way. Age does not necessarily correspond with knowledge, but experience and willingness to adapt to change does.


  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Sun, August 10, 2008 - 10:21 AM
    It should be mentioned that Mozart actually began composing at 5 years of age.

    It takes the "average" grandmaster in chess somewhere around 10,000 hours of diligent study and training to attain that level of play. Makes no real difference whether the person starts at age 12 and spend many years or starts at age 50 and works on it full time every day. What makes a great performer a great performer is working on a skill or ability slightly beyond your current ability but not so difficult that it becomes frustrating. Tiger Woods reached his level of skill this way, so did Michael Jordan (who didn't make the varsity team at one point by the way), so did Mary Lou Retton, and the list goes on and on........

    There is an excellent point that is being overlooked about becoming proficient via "patience, learning, listening to instructors", but it is quickly lost in the overwhelming typecasting and stereotyping being made in the post. I hate to break it to everyone, but you can't tell everything about someones abilities or interests based solely on what clothes they wear to an event or gathering. By the same token you also can't tell based on how old they appear to be. There is a reason it is called the BDSM "community". The community part allows you to converse and interact with people to find out more about themselves and other potential play partners.

    So before we all become judgmental...Does anyone here have anything in the neighborhood of the 10,000 hours of diligent practice (no this does not include socializing) in the skills associated with this type of activity necessary to be highly proficient or a "grandmaster"?
    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Sun, August 10, 2008 - 10:43 AM
      FTR, 10,000 hrs at 8hrs per day, 5 days per week, 50 weeks per year, would take 5 years. That's 5 years of full time study.

      I've been active the in SF scene for about 17 years now. And yeah, I'd estimate my experience level at around 8k hrs.
    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Sun, August 10, 2008 - 11:13 PM
      I've been in the scene for a little longer than Chris, and I was a prodomme for part of those years. So I would guess I have the 10,000 hours.

      I guess that and $5 will get me coffee at Starbucks.

    • Re: Dom/Domme

      Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:33 PM
      <<I hate to break it to everyone, but you can't tell everything about someones abilities or interests based solely on what clothes they wear to an event or gathering.>>

      Absolutely could not agree more!

      Months ago (because I am still pretty ripe) I made a lot more assumptions than I do today. Get your ass kicked by a few men in polos, and you start to change your mind. Notice a few pro Dommes who look like your mom's best friend, and you start rethinking "packaging." I still make snap judgements, but they are more about how people interact and what they say than about how they are dressed. Well, how they are dressed might get a snap judgment as to whether it is a turn-on or not, but not as to how I view their skill levels. ;-)
      • Re: Dom/Domme

        Mon, August 11, 2008 - 9:05 PM
        Cynthia, are you sure I don't look like your Grandma's best friend?

        Domina (giggling)
        • Re: Dom/Domme

          Tue, August 12, 2008 - 12:45 AM
          In a word, NO.

          But if you are my mom's friend, promise you won't tell her why I don't let you chit chat with me while I take a bath when I visit. lol
  • Re: Dom/Domme

    Mon, August 18, 2008 - 11:25 AM
    "I have received hundreds of mail correspondences from people telling me that they are what they are not."

    I think this is the operative phrase in Barb's upset. People can call themselves anything they want, particularly in the anonymity of an email or letter. There are so many stereotypes connected with WIITWD that I can see someone buying a leather vest, growing a beard and putting out his shingle as a "Master"

    But you just can't stop this from happening by wishing.

    Buyer beware! Don't believe it until you see it.

Recent topics in "BDSM Newbies"

Topic Author Replies Last Post
Pain Killers, RCS Vendors Lexi 0 February 21, 2016
young male looking for older chubby Dom ivano 0 November 29, 2015
Younger Women Looking For Older Men Online OMYWDating 0 January 15, 2015
question for those with experience Unsubscribed 0 January 3, 2015