Hi, I am a lurker and have been for over a year now. I have only played a total of 10 times or so, but have played enough to finally learn my kinks. However, I have a feeling, that I will be a newbie for quite some time.
Sad to say, but I am a hard player, with quirks in between. Preferrably sensory overload, that means, as much at the same time as you can manage, as long as you can manage it with lots of pain sprinkled in. However, trial and error states that humiliation is off limits. That being said, I have come to realize, that the heavy hitters, do not come out so often into the dungeon. At least not here where I live. I have finally met one, but we havent played yet and we are also hunting others. Also, I am finding that the heaviest hitters, do not mind my problem with not wanting humiliation, through my conversation last night. I play hard enough that I can only play once a month, maybe twice due to needing to heal, but feel the need to have more than one top right now, so that I stop doing without so often and for long a period of time..we are talking months here. last play time was december. That was when I lost my then top, when we discovered that I liked harder playing and found this was unacceptable to them.
I am still not really sure how to negotiate, even though the top I met yesterday is now working with me. Side note? I am finally understanding that there are folks in the community with a matching gutter low humor that I have and I am finally not feeling so alone. Anyway, So my question is this....
What is the fastest way, to get to know someones kinks and learn swiftly, if they are a suitable player or not, through words and not trial and error. I figured I wouldnt have a problem given my kinks and well,,,,,,sigh,,I am finding I was wrong again.....
Sad to say, but I am a hard player, with quirks in between. Preferrably sensory overload, that means, as much at the same time as you can manage, as long as you can manage it with lots of pain sprinkled in. However, trial and error states that humiliation is off limits. That being said, I have come to realize, that the heavy hitters, do not come out so often into the dungeon. At least not here where I live. I have finally met one, but we havent played yet and we are also hunting others. Also, I am finding that the heaviest hitters, do not mind my problem with not wanting humiliation, through my conversation last night. I play hard enough that I can only play once a month, maybe twice due to needing to heal, but feel the need to have more than one top right now, so that I stop doing without so often and for long a period of time..we are talking months here. last play time was december. That was when I lost my then top, when we discovered that I liked harder playing and found this was unacceptable to them.
I am still not really sure how to negotiate, even though the top I met yesterday is now working with me. Side note? I am finally understanding that there are folks in the community with a matching gutter low humor that I have and I am finally not feeling so alone. Anyway, So my question is this....
What is the fastest way, to get to know someones kinks and learn swiftly, if they are a suitable player or not, through words and not trial and error. I figured I wouldnt have a problem given my kinks and well,,,,,,sigh,,I am finding I was wrong again.....
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sat, May 10, 2008 - 7:14 PMThere are some negotiation forms online that work well. You can each fill one out and exchange them, and then see how your kinks dovetail, or not.
Domina -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sat, May 10, 2008 - 7:22 PMI had forgotten about those Domina, thank you. Since I would have to print those out at Kinkos, (no pun intended) I feel the need to go when it is not so busy.:) -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sat, May 10, 2008 - 11:18 PMYou know, I went back into bondage.com and redid my questionaires. There isnt anyway to really describe what I like or can take in there, no matter what I answer.....One would have to combine several of those things together. I have already come up with several ways that are easy on what little I know...I will find a way and figure it out. Maybe make my own... -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 12:20 AMI am thinking there should be a new rule. Since the majority know somewhat swiftly if they can connect or not, once they do, the very first question a top should ask a prospective bottom or sub is,
So, what is your idea of a perfect scene.
If the first thing afterward the top says is,
How convenient, I myself do not like those things done to me, but I love inflicting them on others.
Then you know you both have a notion and can broaden your horizens from there. It is quick and can be done in under 5 minutes....No lists, etc....painfree....well, for the moment anyway... -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 11:49 AMChecklists for me are about novelty, or for when I'm at a loss for what else to offer.
The perfect scene thing doesn't work for me at all. I'm not about specific behaviors so much as I am about context, changes, intimacy, and growth. When a scene involves those things, that's what I'm aiming for. To say, "I like caning" is neither true nor false for me. I like caning in some contexts. And the context is more important than the activity.
Oh, and I do play quite hard when I can, so I believe I may well be in your target demographic.
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 12:42 AMHi Lynn,
I have to say, no matter how many people you meet and think or hope match up with your desires, even after having very frank discussions, it takes a lot to find that "right" person...take it from someone who has been there, done that...LOL...still looking! In fact, I gave up with my current partner and we decided to compromise and switch roles as it works better for our relationship this way. Now is it my "dream", hell no, but at least we have an open enough relationship to explore those roles with other people if the need arises.
Truly, you will only know for sure when all the planets line up, you have a scene with said person and it works! I can't tell you how many times I've met someone, throughally spoke about all my fantasies, needs and desires, thought we were on the same page, only to find out soon after that they didn't have a clue.
I pretty much know exactly what I want and I am able to clearly state that to another. However I have found that much of the time the other person will attempt it anyway, hoping that they will do it right. Alas, I guess I'm pretty jaded at this point as well.
I do like BDSM checklists and in fact have directed a number of playmates to mine on Bondage.com. When I first began exploring BDSM I found it to be an invaluable tool. However, again, you will never know for sure until to play with someone as a checklist can only cover so much territory. At that point, you either decide to "compromise" or not play with that person again.
Of course another way to get perspective on how someone plays is to watch them do a scene in person. If that's a possibility for you, I highly recommend it. I'm not a pain person and quickly learned the sadists to avoid ;-)
Michelle -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 7:24 AMLOL Hey Michelle. Here I am looking for a sadist and cannot find one. :) I am not looking for a relationship, just for play and they simply have to be creative.:) If not, I can be for them. I am very good at that. Funny thing is, when delivering it myself, I am not such a sadist. Ha,,go figure. Thank you for your words. I hope you find someone soon. I am sure you will too. It could be, they just are very quiet. One of these days one just for you will pop up out of the blue. That or you could train a new one your way from the ground up. Bright hades, some of my vanilla friends have been discovering they have bents themselves are suprising themselves silly at what they are finding they like.
Here in Seattle, I am meeting alot of people who wish that, that wasnt what I was looking for. However, I would only end up hurting myself by overplaying, if all I could ever do is play light. I would end up playing 2 or 3 times a week instead. That doesnt seem optimal to me..:) But then again, maybe in the long haul, I would end up having more fun.
You know, it is funny you stated that they will attempt it and hope they are doing it right. As long as they state that very plainly up front, then they do not lose the trust I initially give them and things stay cool from there. I may be high maintenace in the bedroom, but it is very easy to please me. It could be that I just learned too much before jumping in and introducing myself. Maybe not though. I have been stopped in tracks by suprise at what I like. Even a master learns something new everyday.:) That could end up being a poor choice of words.:) -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 9:47 AMSeattle has a pretty big community. I'm surprised you can't find a sadist.
Do you visit the Wet Spot?
Domina -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 10:03 AMI just went there friday. It is always packed. But from what I learned from the one I met Friday, the 3 sadists that are the heaviest players, very rarely come there. The rest are softer players with slightly harder players sprinkled in, but not as hard as I happen to like. We have one that wasnt there and I was meaning to talk to. But since they werent there, I am going to have to wait. The other one and I will probably play this weekend. Since I use this as a tool first, love it second, I can make do. But in truth, it would be nice to find someone I can click with and is willing to go the distance and experiment. :) It would also be kind of nice to not feel so alone when I come out with an idea of what sounds good. Instead of hearing,,,,Good God woman,,,I will hear a ,,,damn,,sounds hot.:)
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 12:53 PMFunny Lynn, I'm totally the opposite...I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to dish it out, but I absolutely HATE it for myself. I never in a million years thought I'd like to dish it out (or be on the other side) until I met my current partner!
You hit it right on the head when you said "creative", that's very important! For me, everything takes place in my brain and I love a good mind fuck. If you aren't creative, I'm going to get bored and my head is going to go to that place for coffee. I have an active imagination and need someone to stimulate that for me.
It really is too bad that you don't live in the Bay Area because I can direct your attention to plenty of sadists! Two of which have responded to you on this post! -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 1:21 PMI have seen this.:) I am playing with another later in the month....I wish I actually lived down there.....
My other main concern is this. I get along very well, with the one I am speaking to up here and the one I am actaully coming down to see. I do not know protocol, nor do I understand certain aspects of how I am supposed to behave. All of my friends are vanilla and I am myself always and live my own life as I see fit. I think the military has made me outspoken and I was born hard core......I have no alternative, but to tell it like it is and well,,hope for the best. I think I may put some folks off,,basically, because,,until you actually pull my hair to let me know who is currently in charge,,I am in charge of myself..:) it can be entertaining from my view point,,,but I am also seeing I am the only one, other than those who really know me,,who find the humor...Of course the last laugh is in the hands of those who choose to reign me in by hair and start in on me,,LOL -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 4:13 PMSkip the protocol and just be direct. Some will hate that, but there are enough who like it that you won't have any problems finding play partners. -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 4:50 PMThank you. I will take that advice and make it so. Seems it would serve a purpose anyway.
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 11:42 AMI'm not sure how to address any of your direct questions, other than "slowly", but I would like to point out that us sometimes heavy players are capable of restricting our attentions to certain body parts. If you rotate which body parts those are, then you can play more frequently than once a month.
I haven't yet played with anyone where I couldn't find room to place a new bruise - even if I was looking for fresh skin to place it. -
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Re: Howdy, quick history, quick question
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 11:51 AMThere are times, when I want it to be be all parts simultaneously and have gone so far as to drum up ways a single person can do this. Thankfully, with ropes, the tens unit, 3 vibrating dildos, a flogger and knife, a cattle prod maybe (cant say for sure, have a feeling I would like it) a singletail(same deal) and various toys I may not know about, I am figuring in a couple of hours and viola,,,,sensory overload....Have a handy table by the side where one can turn up the tens at will and still have two arms for other things..I know, odd. But I have a hardcore character, from life and the military. Sometimes light is ok. My light is other peoples hard. but still. It was an accident that I made this discovery and knew I was going to be alone and have a hard search from that second on...As small boned and small that I am, I am positive there is always room for a new bruise....:)
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