I'm hesitant to post this, cuz I feel like I bitch too much already..... But I'm really feeling the need to get it off my chest, in hopes to release some of the stress.

First off, I'm actually *envious* of those of you wishin' for a valentine this year!!! Even tho I'm in the same boat as you. I wish I could even *think* of something as nice as that.....

For starters, I've been having major computer problems over the past few months. I"m an expert computer killer - especially my favorites, Macs. I own 4 of 'em, have killed 'em all at some level, and now have completely dun in my "best" one as of a couple weeks ago. This, after at least 6 mjonths of trying (knowing!) to back up my data on it, but my cd drive not working, a friend setting up a remote ftp site for me to do so, but not having a working ftp program to use it (nor any money to acquire one, nor a working cd drive to install one.....). I.e. no success at backing anything up - i.e. possibly everything lost.

Thankfully, a friend has loaned me a Piece of Crap from his huge supply of extras from work (amazing he'd even trust me with it! but he did Sue-proof it!! Or so he thinks :-) So I'm finally back on line.

A result from all of this - my old, main, email account has been fucking up since just before x-mas. Like, most email sent there has just vanished. You'd think it would still get to, and be saved, by my isp's server, but for some reason this hasn't been the case. Just gone.

For the most part, I had been migrating everything over to yahoo, in case of emergency (like this or something else) anyway. However...... I hadn't told one particular person yet - my dad.

He's been the source of tremendous misery in my life for the past 10 years, so last May I basically had to make the decision to cut him out of my life completely. This was essential for my sanity. He still knew my phone #, and others of my relatives knew my "new" email address. So if he really wanted to get ahold of me, he could......

Welll......... Turns out his dad (my really sweet grandpa) just died a week ago. My dad knew this was coming (got a call re. "come visit now, as this is your last chance" type thing) just after x-mas. Emailed me to tell me about it. I never got the email since it all vanished. So, he got even more pissed at me since I never responded. Kinda like, I was there for all of my mom's family's stuff, but now I"m ignoring his family.....

When my grandpa actually died, my dad was in Arizona for the big gem show there. This time, he actually called - but since I didn't recognize the #, I assumed it was a creditor and didn't answer (what I usually do). He left a message (but no callback #, nor indication of how long he was going to be there!). But even worse was that, I don't tend to check messages often when all they seem to be are creditors!!! SO I didn't even check it until this weekend - nearly a week later!!!!! Man, did I feel like a fuck up once I actually heard it!!! But, I didn't even know about the email problems yet!!!!!

Apparently, he had also sent me an email about this, too!!! Of course, I didn't get that either.

After the phone msg. it took me some time to get the courage to call him back (especially given how much of a fuck up I felt like for not even getting his msg until nearly a week later!). At least then, I had the chance to ask about memorial service stuff - to which he was surprised I was even interested, then told me about his frustration about my lack of response to his emails..... Huh??!!! Aha!! Thus begins some clarifuckation!!! ;-) Since then, he's even received one bounced email that he sent - so there's even a chance that he actually *believes* me for once!!!

Soooo..... to wrap this up, I suddenly find myself leaving for North Carolina at the crack of dawn on Thursday for my grandpa's funeral service. I don't do funerals very well to begin with. I'm so tired of losing people that I love to death. Just sucks. I believe that its a good thing for them - a release from their own pain and suffering (except for Missy - that one is just wrong in every way imaginable). But for those of us stuck behind, there's really nothing good about it at all.....

And in this case, it means that I"m suddenly going to have to deal with my dad, big time, again. The one person I specifically had to eliminate from my life, because he refused to stop traumatizing me.....

We have had some positive phone calls (and even a couple of successful emails now that he knows my new account, and I have this loaner PC!!) as part of setting this up. So I"m going in with as positive an attitude as I can muster up.

But that doesn't stop me from being absolutely terrified, and stressed to the max about this. Nevermind just plain being sad about losing my sweet grandpa.

Thankfully, my coolest cousin lives in the same town. Although she's from "my mom's" family. So at first, I felt like I "wasn't even allowed" to see her - since my dad is paying to fly me there for the funeral. That's how bad things are with him, and the various family politics!!! FInally, I decided it would be so *stupid* to fly all the way out there and NOT see her - so I actually broke down and *lied* to him!!! Something I"m adamently against (although since doing this, he's actually been nicer to me! Seems as though this is what's needed w/ him!! Bizarro world!). So, after he leaves town, I'll be spending one day and night with her - which will be awesome - both in general, and for a much-needed sanity restoration!!!!!

Anyway, sorry to blather, and thanks for letting me!! I've been seriously freaking out about all of this. Mostly just having to deal with my own dad again. Esp. when compounded by all of the communication failures on my end (esp. the emails that I never even knew about!). Also, losing my sweet grandpa, even though at 92 that's not too surprising. Still sad.