But, damnit sometimes I feel like it...
OK *sighs*
break down.
My "first love" "E" (technically second, my first died of a brain tumor) and I have been friends for 20 years. I am 38 he is almost 40. We keep in contact often, he is a widower for a few years now and I have been separated for a couple. (my ex doesn't want me with anyone else so refuses to sign the papers, I don't care about being with anyone else so I stopped wasting $ going through lawyer/serving him papers and just live with it)
I have told "E" I have always, and think I always will be, in love with him, yet he claims that he doesn't want anything more than friendship. He's had a couple short lived relationships, as have I, over the last couple of years. When ever he talks about them I get jealous, and I can tell when I talk about going out with someone he gets jealous.
We DO live far away from each other, but I flat out cannot get over the love I have for him, like an deep piercing ache that never goes away.
I have told him if he cannot reciprocate, then he shouldn't talk to me, write me, call me, im me... nothing.
He asked if that was what I really wanted (of course not), but being in love with him and not being able to be WITH him makes it IMPOSSIBLE to feel anything for anyone else.
I'm numb to any other man on Earth. Seriously numb. I cannot feel anything. I think about him every single day.
I've considered going to see him, and see if he can still say there is nothing there face to face, for a sense of closure or at least a shot at trying it out.
All his family and friends wish we would get together, and if he ever has something in his life (good or bad) happen I am one of the first people he calls... we continue to be there for each other and talk for hours.
Grrrrr. WHY are men so frustrating!?! WHY am I still in love with him after 20 years!?
I've asked him what it's like to know I am still crazy in love with him. He says it's flattering, but he just doesn't want a relationship at this point in his life.
Priorities, work, family, etc. (he has no children, but really wanted them). I would have his child in a heart beat, I feel that strongly. TRUST me, I have no desire to have more kids as I already have two teenagers, but for some reason I just Waaaaaant his child.
I know, I am seriously messed up, right? I still sleep in his t-shirt from when I was 19...
I ask him what he wants of me, he says.." Your friendship, you know how much that means to me. I don't give that lightly."
Am I am ass for wanting more? Pathetic, helpless?
It's not like I am ugly. I CAN get a date ...easily. I break off relationships because men fall in love with me, and ask me to marry them, or move in with them, and offer me all these promises. I cannot TELL someone I love them if I don't. It doesn't seem fair to waste their time or mine.
sob...help.
OK *sighs*
break down.
My "first love" "E" (technically second, my first died of a brain tumor) and I have been friends for 20 years. I am 38 he is almost 40. We keep in contact often, he is a widower for a few years now and I have been separated for a couple. (my ex doesn't want me with anyone else so refuses to sign the papers, I don't care about being with anyone else so I stopped wasting $ going through lawyer/serving him papers and just live with it)
I have told "E" I have always, and think I always will be, in love with him, yet he claims that he doesn't want anything more than friendship. He's had a couple short lived relationships, as have I, over the last couple of years. When ever he talks about them I get jealous, and I can tell when I talk about going out with someone he gets jealous.
We DO live far away from each other, but I flat out cannot get over the love I have for him, like an deep piercing ache that never goes away.
I have told him if he cannot reciprocate, then he shouldn't talk to me, write me, call me, im me... nothing.
He asked if that was what I really wanted (of course not), but being in love with him and not being able to be WITH him makes it IMPOSSIBLE to feel anything for anyone else.
I'm numb to any other man on Earth. Seriously numb. I cannot feel anything. I think about him every single day.
I've considered going to see him, and see if he can still say there is nothing there face to face, for a sense of closure or at least a shot at trying it out.
All his family and friends wish we would get together, and if he ever has something in his life (good or bad) happen I am one of the first people he calls... we continue to be there for each other and talk for hours.
Grrrrr. WHY are men so frustrating!?! WHY am I still in love with him after 20 years!?
I've asked him what it's like to know I am still crazy in love with him. He says it's flattering, but he just doesn't want a relationship at this point in his life.
Priorities, work, family, etc. (he has no children, but really wanted them). I would have his child in a heart beat, I feel that strongly. TRUST me, I have no desire to have more kids as I already have two teenagers, but for some reason I just Waaaaaant his child.
I know, I am seriously messed up, right? I still sleep in his t-shirt from when I was 19...
I ask him what he wants of me, he says.." Your friendship, you know how much that means to me. I don't give that lightly."
Am I am ass for wanting more? Pathetic, helpless?
It's not like I am ugly. I CAN get a date ...easily. I break off relationships because men fall in love with me, and ask me to marry them, or move in with them, and offer me all these promises. I cannot TELL someone I love them if I don't. It doesn't seem fair to waste their time or mine.
sob...help.
