I’m just all over the place emotionally this week. It’s no big secret I still carry a lot of love for Denver, though I’m pretty rational about the futility of that. Still, we have been attempting a friendship. He has let me stay over three times now, which help tremendously because I don’t have to commute the hour home after rehearsal. I get two extra hours sleep by staying with him. It's been soooo strange, though. Denver is sweet now, trying so hard to keep things peaceful and to show me he welcomes my company. When I stayed over last Wednesday he had to work late, and when I got to his apartment he had posted a "Do Not Disturb" sign because he knew I needed sleep, and laid a washcloth and towel on my pillow. When he came in he kissed my cheek and said hello. It was the little things like that that made me fall in love in the first place.

Yet he tells me he is not "in love." I don't understand people who can turn love on and off that way, according to some self-absorbed, psychological glitch. My capacity to forgive is vast (obviously, if I am even TALKING to Denver.) and I just can't regulate my emotions like the Water Authority. He now admits he is still too wrapped up in the ex wife (February will be two years since she left him) and it was unfair to enter into a love relationship with me when he was obviously not ready. He’s been espousing chastity, telling me he has nixed the advances of several young girls because he just cannot conjure up romantic feelings. I believed this because we have lain together thrice and it has been very chaste. Though frustrating to me I appreciated him not taking advantage of my vulnerability, and the fact that I do NOT want a pity fuck.

So today I went on the website where we met. They also have lots of forums and, being bored at work I thought I’d log in. My profile on there specifically states I am not looking todate, mind you. Well imagine my surprise when Denver’s pic showed up in the row of pics in my area. My heart absolutely stopped. So I wrote him:

“Not interested in relationships, huh?

I'm sure you can imagine what it did to me seeing this. I guess that's why you did it.

Melissa”

I then called him, and he swore he thought it was hidden, blah blah. So after we hung up he writes:

“It's down now. I re-wrote this many weeks ago, thinking I needed to get "back out there", whatever the hell that means.

I must have been making sure it was hidden and done just the opposite, duh! Thanks for letting me know it was visible, this is the first I was aware of it.

Denver”

And sure enough, the profile is gone now. I don’t know why he’d bother taking it down. Not for my benefit, certainly, as I am now pretty certain the worth I hold in his heart. As I told him it woulda been fine if he’s just said, “I don’t want to date YOU anymore, Mel.” But he’s had me going on this monk routine. I feel lied to and duped.

I’m sure we’ll talk more tonight. I have to go over there cause all my make-up and stuff is there.

Why do guys have to lie? It’s so hurtful.

Melissa

P.S. And this Ex Wife whose memory he clings to . . . she left him to live with some other guy during their relationship, forced him to go off the wagon, and he said the last picture he found online she was at a music fest, all dishelved, had gained 20 pounds, and was all stoned out holding a joint. I mean, c’mon! Ya’ll have seen my pictures! How could I ever aspire to that (emphasized irony.) I just give up, I really do.