I've ignored a lot of phone calls. First because I crashed hard this weekend. I slept from Friday afternoon through Sunday morning, with a few painful food breaks. My stomach shrunk a lot at burning man, and for some reason my whole body was itchy. and the exhaustion. it caught up. then my sister came to town and is still here.
lisa: a certain someone is not as convenient as i had hoped.

i just realized i need to spend more time with people my own age. it's getting to be too much pressure to stand up to my older friend's expectations of me. i just need to be myself, and not worry about seeing more than i do. i am lucky to have so much time left. i ought to embrace my life more.

eugene levy is still around. he's coming over on saturday to help me with my mom's computer. he's also still turning me on. i saw him at our friends' house tonight, where we all watched survivor, and he drove me home. I masturbated zealously for quite a while after i got in, and we emailed some after. i'm starting to see more clearly the creepy lech. in him. though i wish it simply weren't there, it's good that i see it. i'm talking about our chemistry a lot, because i think that with everything in the light things will go better. less room for something destructive to grow under the radar.

i've been emailing with someone else, who i also like, who's different. this one is in santa barbara. he's 38, and we have more comeraderie than chemistry. there's a little chemistry, but i don't think he's too stoked on cultivating it, because he knows i'm too young and respects that distinction. i respect him for respecting that, and feel fortunate to have that guidance. by comparison, levy seems hella shady. i mean, i too am wildly attracted to him, but he's a lot older than i am, thus could conceivably have a stronger integrity. integrity can grow over time if one invests in it ... i doubt his integrity.

thanks for being here for me to talk to. i'm a lot stronger when i can sort this shit out. thanks for helping me be stronger.