I love Srimati Radharani, Lord Sri Krishna's consort. Not pervertedlly, I don't think. I guess it is though, because I am not pure, a pure devotee of the Lord, Krishna.

If I were a pure devotee then I could choose my relationship with Krishna, and yes sometimes that means serving His eternal consort Srimati Radharani over Him. Krishna loves when His devotees are served, especially Srimati Radharani, the topmost lover of Krishna.

It's premature to want to jump in and think of myself as a lover of Krishna, or a servant in a particular rasa, or relationship with Him or His devotees. But at the same time we constantly hear about His loving servitors and their various relationships with Him and what happens if we develop some sentiment for one of the categories in which to serve Him with love and devotion, namely friendship, nuetrality, fraternality or parental affection or even conjugal love? Then we are wrong, because we jumped ahead and developed some feeling before we are ready to. Before we became pure.

I don't know what to do. No I am not suicidal, I just wish not to live if I can't serve the Lotus Feet of Srimati Radharani. I just can't stand it! I just can't go on. I just wish to die@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Krishna the pain is so bad, I cannot stand it any more.............