Ziego:

I sort of wandered into this tribe by accident, and while I read a couple of posts that made me consider joining (though I've mostly considered myself the consummate ANTI-objectivist: "for the good of ALL"), your post convinced me to join, so I could respond to your post.

Under many of the same auspices you mentioned, I entered into a relationship with a woman who was 8 years older than me, had traveled the world several times, ran a successful jewelry business, and was the very upper middle class daughter of two university professors. I, on the other hand, am a socially conscious black Hip Hop artist from a much more modest background. And though I've seen more of the world than a good number of my peers (i.e.- 4 tours of Europe), I had nowhere near the types of life experiences she had.

I gotta tell you... it's a very double edged sword.

Things can become a very stupid cat and mouse game very easily when one person holds more power or resource in a particular area. Since she had much more money than I did, she was able to provide for me many things I would not have been able to provide myself, which I absolutely loved and adored her for. Eventually, it came out that there was a hidden price for this- one that, because of her way of framing the world, could never be paid in full. Not by me, or, I believe, any man. The cost was the utter suppression of my own emotional / psychological reality to hers. I was to behave as the perfect mate- to give love and caring and nurturing flawlessly, upon demand, regardless of how she was behaving towards me. Any time I fell even the minutest amount short of this, it was made plain to me that if I was "really" loving, I would do THIS. If I "really" cared, I'd be THIS way.

Many times, I found myself in a situation where I could do nothing right, insofar as she was concerned. I was never loving enough, never compassionate enough, never sweet enough.

There were a whole lot of absolutely amazing and transformative things to come out of this relationship for both of us. We stayed together for 4 years. Before, it was hard to imagine being with someone for that long. Eventually the imbalances proved to be the undoing of things. We've made a mutual decision to be friends and remain to have strong good feelings for each other. I feel certain we've been together in previous lifetimes, and may meet yet again in another. I told her that she'll always hold a special place in my heart for the remainder of this lifetime and I fully stand by it.

But I'd say be careful what you wish for. A partner who challenges you might very well be doing so precisely because they've got a grand vision for what they want YOU to be. And if and when you exert the primacy of your OWN design on your life, it can become problematic.

Ziego:

I want to respond from the other side of that coin, as if I was the woman who wanted to inspire you.

Yes I know I'm dynamic, challenging, interesting, and totally different from anyone you have met before. Yes I understand that I may inspire you to discover things about yourself that you didn't know existed, but please have some compassion that this is MY LIFE not your free ticket to a brand new world.

Of course I want to share my exciting world with you, otherwise I wouldn't be intimate with you, but I need to get a couple of things straight. I will want you to take personal responsibility for the actions you choose to take. I will want you to look carefully before trying something new so that you don’t' screw up your own future and then hold me responsible for it. I am not your tour guide, you are going to have to find your own place in my world if this is where you want to remain. I don’t want you to be like me, I want you to be your own self independent of my desires or expectations. I will respect you a lot more if you can tell me “No” or “I’m not sure” when you encounter something that goes against your sense of Self.

I am not something you can parade about in front of your friends, I do not want to hear that you are bragging about all of the crazy shit we do together in bed or in our intimate moments. Those things are private between us and I don’t want others to get the wrong impression that my sexuality is public domain. Do not undress me in front of strangers to show off my tattoos, do not use me to freak your parents out, do not take me to places where it is clear that I do not belong. Have respect for my lifestyle choices because these are reflections of who I am, I’m not living like this and being my self so that I can be a freak in your zoo.

While I may have had different experiences than you or I may have traveled in different circles, maybe I have a different education than you do, I am still a human being and totally and completely fallible. I make mistakes, am mistaken, sometimes I’m downright WRONG, so my opinions are just that, opinions. No I don’t want you to discount my point of view I just don’t want you to take it as gospel handed down from on high. Let’s use our point of views to challenge one another while maintaining our respect for one another by realizing that we don’t have to do, be, or become the same person. I want you to be different from me, it’s more interesting that way. Challenge yourself, explore your own sense of Being, and ultimately decide what is best for the future you envision for yourself. Experience is good, go out and get as much of it for yourself as you can; living vicariously through me is passive and false.

Ultimately, I want you to become the most amazing person in your own world, achieving your own goals, and challenging yourself to new levels of excellence. I’m here to help in anyway that I can but the final responsibility lies with you.