I'm working full time right now, for the next 2 months or so... and whenever I'm having to work full time, and my schedule is opposite from Craig's, I feel so disjointed and lacking peace. I have a hard-enough time assessing my own needs and taking time out for myself, but when I hardly see Craig and I don't have any time off for myself, I start to go CRAZY!!! Loopy! Bonkers!!
Come March, I'll be getting laid off from my job... which I'm VERY happy about. The financial stability has been nice, but I'll be going back to being a self-employed graphics guru. My goal is to have my business (www.thistlegraphics.com/) do well enough that I can either keep my kids in Montessori, or homeschool them.
And then I think, AM I CRAZY? I have been fiercely independent since I was 17 years old... I lived alone for most of the years before I met Craig... I have always needed a lot of solo-time to keep my sanity. And of course, motherhood does not provide lots of solo time! And I'm thinking of homeschooling? And I have to figure out how to work at home, with 2 kids around. Is this even possible? How am I going to manage my time?
There MUST be a way to figure this life out. There must be a way for me to find my balance, and be able to be a good mother, spend time by myself, spend time with my husband. Is there a way? How do you all figure it out? How do you find your balance?
Craig and I agreed last night that when he came home from work (on Sunday night, yes) that I would go out to a coffee shop and read or knit or whatever. But then once everything was done (kids to bed, etc.) it was 8:00 and I didn't want to leave the house! So I ended up crying, feeling lost, not knowing what I wanted, etc. I ended up having a nice evening... I read my book for a while, and then we played Scrabble. I felt like I got some alone-time, and I got some husband-time (with no friggin' TV). But it didn't come without an emotional struggle. Because I"m a dork!
How do YOU do it? How do you figure out what your needs are? How do you find your peace?
I know I need to meditate. I just don't, on a regular basis. I go through stages where I do yoga/meditate before bed, but then I'll go a month without doing anything at all.
I'm sure we all have our personal wisdoms. Please share yours! :)
Come March, I'll be getting laid off from my job... which I'm VERY happy about. The financial stability has been nice, but I'll be going back to being a self-employed graphics guru. My goal is to have my business (www.thistlegraphics.com/) do well enough that I can either keep my kids in Montessori, or homeschool them.
And then I think, AM I CRAZY? I have been fiercely independent since I was 17 years old... I lived alone for most of the years before I met Craig... I have always needed a lot of solo-time to keep my sanity. And of course, motherhood does not provide lots of solo time! And I'm thinking of homeschooling? And I have to figure out how to work at home, with 2 kids around. Is this even possible? How am I going to manage my time?
There MUST be a way to figure this life out. There must be a way for me to find my balance, and be able to be a good mother, spend time by myself, spend time with my husband. Is there a way? How do you all figure it out? How do you find your balance?
Craig and I agreed last night that when he came home from work (on Sunday night, yes) that I would go out to a coffee shop and read or knit or whatever. But then once everything was done (kids to bed, etc.) it was 8:00 and I didn't want to leave the house! So I ended up crying, feeling lost, not knowing what I wanted, etc. I ended up having a nice evening... I read my book for a while, and then we played Scrabble. I felt like I got some alone-time, and I got some husband-time (with no friggin' TV). But it didn't come without an emotional struggle. Because I"m a dork!
How do YOU do it? How do you figure out what your needs are? How do you find your peace?
I know I need to meditate. I just don't, on a regular basis. I go through stages where I do yoga/meditate before bed, but then I'll go a month without doing anything at all.
I'm sure we all have our personal wisdoms. Please share yours! :)
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Los Angeles
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Mon, January 23, 2006 - 11:50 AMi can't imagine working at all . We are fortuneate enough that we can just scrape by on only my husbands income . and i prefer to stay home even if it means to be broke . I also wanted to homeschool . but decided not to when i found out i was pregnant with #3 . my other kids are 2&4 . i just don't think i can do everything and do as good of a job as i think nesecssary .
any way one of the most invalueable things to me is a hot bath with some good oils in it at laest 3 times a week . when the kids are asleep of course .I make a production of it ,incese ,bath soak even candles sometimes , it makes me feel like a godess . and it feels so good!
also i read like crazy (agin when the kids are asleep)not always self help books but anything to take me away for the evening (right now i am reading lonesome dove , and it is really good ) but i think that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect that we forget about our own sanity , ya know! try the bath it may help.
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Mon, January 23, 2006 - 4:54 PMI love the bath idea! I`m going to try one tonight!!
My husband is out of town more than 50% of the time and the kid-raising is 100% my job.
At first I thought I could keep working with the kids, but the result of that stress was that we all suffered.
Now that they are both in school 1/2 days, I can get a couple of hours of self-nurturing in,
be it a work out, or piano practice, or another creative endeavor. I get my alone time.
But in our case, the kids don`t have much Papa time, and I don`t have much husband time,
or time speaking with any other adults, for that matter. One can go nuts with this type of imbalance.
Fortunately we are getting by without my earning much, and we have an ok public school
in the neighborhood that will suffice for now. What I worry about is middle school and high school and
even college. I will surely have to get back into the rat race to provide my guys with better opportunities down the road. -
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Tue, January 24, 2006 - 9:53 AMOh, how I miss the big huge bathtubs of Scotland! We have one of those yukky tiny apartment bathtubs. I'm only 5'2" and I can't even stretch out in it! And the water starts draining as soon as I submerge my body in the water. So, it's a less-than-satisfying experience. Bummer, cause I love nice baths.
Lisa (moongirl), how do you keep your marriage sane if you hardly see each other? Craig is home today with Aislinn, and I was so sad leaving for work. He's home on Tues/Wed and I'm at my dumb job.
I love having coffee with my girlfriends, and I love knitting, and I love reading... I need to figure out how to do those things more often.
And what do you do about babysitters? Do you use paid-babysitters? Or just family? I get real tired of asking my mother to watch my kids--she's never very eager, so I hate to ask. I sent an email to 4 family members yesterday, asking if anyone could watch my kids on Saturday night so me and Craig could have a much-needed date. But no response yet. :( -
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, January 25, 2006 - 12:51 PMI'm trying to figure out the "me time". I realize, though, that I have to ask for it... which is hard for me to do. I take care of Marco during the days and I teach flamenco on Tues and Thurs nights so that keeps me somewhat sane. But, it is a business, ... whether I have to practice, plan classes, perform, make fliers, etc... and doing that with Marco around is difficult. I don't want to ignore him, but I can't be "on" the entire time. He's 7 months old (super preemie, so just about 5 months old corrected age). I cherish his nap times.. which aren't very long and regular. Did anyone have a baby that actually had two naps a day for 2 hours each?!?! My "me time" sometimes is just going out by myself... no baby to worry about, diapers to carry. Usually it's just for an hour or so while my husband is home and I go get a manicure.
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, January 25, 2006 - 1:09 PMyou know ,my old homeschool group had a babysitting co-op deal within the group. you guys should try that with the mamas and the papas that you know personally in the tribe.
they had pokerchips and would trade them for baby sitting . so at least you could go out and not feel bad ,because you know that you will baby sit for them sometime . it especilly works for when dad is not home alot because you can babysit when he's not there and have someone babysit when he is . even just to stay home and watch a movie and have dinner and reconnect . I don't know just a suggestion :)
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, January 25, 2006 - 1:43 PMDATE? What`s that?
Keeping the marriage sane? That`s sort of a touchy topic right now.
Babysitting- I rarely use our sitter any more, but we had just one lady who has known my kids since they were infants.
Other families on the street use her too, so between all our houses, we kept her fully employed. Now she`s so busy
sitting around the neighborhood, I`m lucky if I can get her available time once in a while. I so envy those who have family
nearby who help out. We have no relatives here. But we have developed a tight network of neighbors with kids around the
same age and we call eachother when in a pinch.
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, January 25, 2006 - 9:42 PMI am a homeschooling mom of two (Sio knows that though) and I am with my kids 24/7. There are little things I do to keep sane. One is having a committed time that I go to a yoga class every week. Everybody knows I am going and I go without fail every week. It's only once a week (I'd like more), but that's my time. Sometimes, since I know the kids will be asleep anyway, I may go visit a friend or something afterward. While Shay (my nine yr old) goes to classes of various kinds (art, karate, science and social studies) I either spend quality time with my littlest or if she is busy playing with others (we also go to a class together once a week) I knit. Sometimes I only knit a row, but that can be enough to bring me back to my center. I bring my knitting with me everywhere!!! Recently we have asked our neighbor girl (13) to come over every Wednesday night so that we can go to yoga together (what a concept!). Anyway, she gets paid, we get out, it's a win/win. We do know and trust her, so that may not be as easy to replicate. Also, since I am home alot, if my youngest naps, then I usually take that time to do what I want to do (sometimes I nap too!) and let that be Shay's time to just be doing whatever he wants to do (within reason).
I also am lucky enough to have family that will watch the kids for bigger nights out or even trips away, so my hubby and I do get time in that way. I know not everyone has that option though.
I like the idea of a babysitting co-op. I'm not available this weekend sadly, but maybe another weekend. I don't mind babysitting, especially kids I enjoy being around. (I actually have been babysitting two kids once a week already!) But it would be nice, because then I would feel more comfortable calling someone else now and again to babysit for a date night or something.
One more thing... On the marriage tip. B and I are coming up on our 11 yr anniv in May (yeah!) and I find that there are times when we connect and times when it's harder. When it's harder, we have to work harder to connect. Taking advantage of the kids being in bed to catch up and have a meaningful talk, or a glass of wine, or watch a movie. A nice romantic dinner after the kids are already in bed is nice too. Sometimes it means being a little sleep deprived because we may end up staying up late. But at least twice a week, we don't schedule other stuff at night so that we can have that time together, even if we aren't leaving the house.
Your kids grow up and move out. Hopefully your partner doesn't. So I feel like I have to put that relationship second, right after my relationship with myself.
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, February 1, 2006 - 8:34 PMhere's an idea... how abou a Papas day at the park? maybe, let's say once a month, the men can take charge and all of us moms can take a much needed half day break! not sure if this would actually happen, knowing some of our husbands - but who knows... lets run it by them! -
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Wed, February 1, 2006 - 10:57 PMThat's a good idea, Nat! Craig works on weekends, though... he has Tues & Wed off, and of course he doesn't get together with anyone, so his "weekends" are pretty lonely.
Dads need community too...
:)
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Mon, February 13, 2006 - 9:24 AMWell, unfortunately, I have no answers for you myself. In fact, I am wondering the same thing....only with no significant other to share in the household and child-rearing responsibilities....or just the mere stress of getting bills paid! However, I did want to say one thing.....I grew up in a very strong, lesbian, (old-school) feminist home. I have always believed that "What a man can do, a woman can do better!" " We CAN bring home the bacon and cook it up too....and raise the kid(s), and clean the house, and take care of the household in general, and .....the list goes on....
Well, recently, I have developed a new-found appreciation (and honestly, envy) for the stay-at-home-mom/parent. What I wouldn't give to be able to JUST focus on her and the household....it seems like a dream come true! -
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Re: the pursuit of happiness/peace/calm
Fri, March 10, 2006 - 8:41 AMMy husband also works 100 + hours a week, so all childcare falls on my shoulders. He is able to take our daughter to work with him sometimes.
Date night? Ha. We basically take turns going out. My mom (who lives in Berkeley) has been coming down every once in a while to "help" out with the baby, but she's very overweight, in horrible health, and largely confused as to infant care (even though she's already gone through it, go figure), so it's very hard for her to take care of the baby. She can't even lift her up without much effort. Plus, Zofi has started to get needier as of late and has a hard time sleeping without one of us there, so we can't even leave her with g-ma after she's gone to bed. Oh well.
To keep my sanity, I like to go to the mommy & me movie at the Los Feliz 3 cinema, or baby yoga at Silverlake yoga. I know alot of yoga studios have yoga for moms and older kids as well. You don't get the best yoga practice in, but at least you can get a little done and connect with other moms.
Also, now that Zofi's old enough for the gym childcare, I find that that is an extremely relaxing place. Sometimes it's just nice to go and sit in the sauna or steam room (I go to Gold's Downtown).
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