Hi,
I really love my man. I mean like, more than anyone I've ever been with. Ever since we first met I've told him that I am able to love more than one person at a time, and at first he didn't really say anything about it but once we were deeply involved it came out that he thinks it's bullshit. I have been really gentle with him about it and slowly he became a little more open to it. During our whole relationship I have not explored another relationship with anyone else, because I have not really been that interested in anyone and because he just didn't seem ready.
He became friends with a girl he told me he found to be attractive, but insisted that he wasn't interested in exploring anything sexual or romantic with her. But then she came over to his place one night and they slept together. Since then there has been a lot of healing for both of us going on, but also he has been very adamantly against anything having to do with "polyamory", and has become very closed to the idea, I think a lot of it is because he may have a very distorted view of it, and doesn't believe it can be a healthy, wonderful thing.
OK, so, bear with me, sorry it's so long, hehe.
SO...I have never been in a poly relationship, I just know it's right for me and I have loved two people at once in the past. This didn't feel wrong and I never felt guilty about it, it just felt like it was natural and that everyone should be able to live happily with it. It made me feel sad when I felt like I had to limit my heart. But I was able to do it and still be relatively happy. I never knew there was other people who felt like me until a couple years ago when I ran across The Ethical Slut. Since then I have read a few other things and really thought about it and wanted it in my life. Now I had a context to put my feelings in and labels and everything.
I have been with a couple girls sexually, only one of which was also romantic and lasted a while before we broke up. But mainly I've been with guys in relationships that have lasted 1-2 years. The person I am with and I have been together for 1 so far. I have discussed my attraction to women with him, but only recently (like in the last 6 months) has the attraction, like...skyrocketed or something. Suddenly I find myself crushing on all these women. I am still in love with and very very attracted to my partner, but have begun to feel like a raging bisexual and I am scared to act upon these feelings because my lover seems unopen to the idea. I'm almost beginning to feel guilty for having these desires and half the time they even haunt my dreams.
Now, I am not saying he's COMPLETELY closed off from the idea (because he told me *before he cheated on me*, that he may be open to it once he gets comfortable with the idea, and lately he's asked me out of curiosity how it would work, if I WAS with another woman), just kinda confused and I think he might have some ingrained beliefs that prevent him from accepting it...I dunno. But I can't just tell him to go read a book or check out this website about polyamory or bisexuality or whatever, because he's busy a lot and has a short attention span with those things and it's almost like he refuses to read about it or explore it...
I guess I'm just asking for advice on what I can say to him. I've talked with him about this attraction and he basically says it makes him feel bad that I would want to love someone other than him. He says that he doesn't know why I bring it up all the time, it makes him feel uncomfortable, he'd rather wait until a situation arises with someone I like and he'll deal with it then. But I don't even want to open my life up and get to point where I could be in a "situation" unless he felt ok with a relationship occuring in the first place!
I've told him I won't ever explore anything with anyone unless he is comfortable with it and tells me so. I've never cheated on anyone and never will. I don't know what to say to make him realize that me loving someone else doesn't take away from my love for him, if anything it opens my heart further to really just being able to feel deeper love for everyone. I've told him exactly this before, and I guess I might have high expectations if I think he's going to suddenly jump up and hug me and tell me that what I'm feeling is ok with him to explore!
Another issue is that since he slept with another girl, I've felt feelings of jealousy I didn't know were there! I really feel like I've healed a lot and forgiven him for it, but forgetting is not something I can do and so I guess if HE were to explore something with another girl I would feel constant anxiety about whether he was respecting any boundaries we would have agreed upon. So he feels like there might be a double standard going on. But I don't really agree, because if he were to come to me and say, "wow i met this really amazing person" I know I would say, "ok, let's talk about this so that we can be ok with you exploring something with her." Yes, I would feel a lot more anxiety and jealousy than I would have before he cheated, but it's not anything I can't handle and am not willing to work through, know what I mean?
Everything I've written here is something I've told him and discussed with him, but still gotten an uncertain response about....
It's really hard to feel like I am unable to explore my attraction to women without hurting someone, and also hard that if I were to do that then I would have to sacrifice an already delicious relationship. Help.
ok *whew* done now. hit me.
Blessings,
Clover
I really love my man. I mean like, more than anyone I've ever been with. Ever since we first met I've told him that I am able to love more than one person at a time, and at first he didn't really say anything about it but once we were deeply involved it came out that he thinks it's bullshit. I have been really gentle with him about it and slowly he became a little more open to it. During our whole relationship I have not explored another relationship with anyone else, because I have not really been that interested in anyone and because he just didn't seem ready.
He became friends with a girl he told me he found to be attractive, but insisted that he wasn't interested in exploring anything sexual or romantic with her. But then she came over to his place one night and they slept together. Since then there has been a lot of healing for both of us going on, but also he has been very adamantly against anything having to do with "polyamory", and has become very closed to the idea, I think a lot of it is because he may have a very distorted view of it, and doesn't believe it can be a healthy, wonderful thing.
OK, so, bear with me, sorry it's so long, hehe.
SO...I have never been in a poly relationship, I just know it's right for me and I have loved two people at once in the past. This didn't feel wrong and I never felt guilty about it, it just felt like it was natural and that everyone should be able to live happily with it. It made me feel sad when I felt like I had to limit my heart. But I was able to do it and still be relatively happy. I never knew there was other people who felt like me until a couple years ago when I ran across The Ethical Slut. Since then I have read a few other things and really thought about it and wanted it in my life. Now I had a context to put my feelings in and labels and everything.
I have been with a couple girls sexually, only one of which was also romantic and lasted a while before we broke up. But mainly I've been with guys in relationships that have lasted 1-2 years. The person I am with and I have been together for 1 so far. I have discussed my attraction to women with him, but only recently (like in the last 6 months) has the attraction, like...skyrocketed or something. Suddenly I find myself crushing on all these women. I am still in love with and very very attracted to my partner, but have begun to feel like a raging bisexual and I am scared to act upon these feelings because my lover seems unopen to the idea. I'm almost beginning to feel guilty for having these desires and half the time they even haunt my dreams.
Now, I am not saying he's COMPLETELY closed off from the idea (because he told me *before he cheated on me*, that he may be open to it once he gets comfortable with the idea, and lately he's asked me out of curiosity how it would work, if I WAS with another woman), just kinda confused and I think he might have some ingrained beliefs that prevent him from accepting it...I dunno. But I can't just tell him to go read a book or check out this website about polyamory or bisexuality or whatever, because he's busy a lot and has a short attention span with those things and it's almost like he refuses to read about it or explore it...
I guess I'm just asking for advice on what I can say to him. I've talked with him about this attraction and he basically says it makes him feel bad that I would want to love someone other than him. He says that he doesn't know why I bring it up all the time, it makes him feel uncomfortable, he'd rather wait until a situation arises with someone I like and he'll deal with it then. But I don't even want to open my life up and get to point where I could be in a "situation" unless he felt ok with a relationship occuring in the first place!
I've told him I won't ever explore anything with anyone unless he is comfortable with it and tells me so. I've never cheated on anyone and never will. I don't know what to say to make him realize that me loving someone else doesn't take away from my love for him, if anything it opens my heart further to really just being able to feel deeper love for everyone. I've told him exactly this before, and I guess I might have high expectations if I think he's going to suddenly jump up and hug me and tell me that what I'm feeling is ok with him to explore!
Another issue is that since he slept with another girl, I've felt feelings of jealousy I didn't know were there! I really feel like I've healed a lot and forgiven him for it, but forgetting is not something I can do and so I guess if HE were to explore something with another girl I would feel constant anxiety about whether he was respecting any boundaries we would have agreed upon. So he feels like there might be a double standard going on. But I don't really agree, because if he were to come to me and say, "wow i met this really amazing person" I know I would say, "ok, let's talk about this so that we can be ok with you exploring something with her." Yes, I would feel a lot more anxiety and jealousy than I would have before he cheated, but it's not anything I can't handle and am not willing to work through, know what I mean?
Everything I've written here is something I've told him and discussed with him, but still gotten an uncertain response about....
It's really hard to feel like I am unable to explore my attraction to women without hurting someone, and also hard that if I were to do that then I would have to sacrifice an already delicious relationship. Help.
ok *whew* done now. hit me.
Blessings,
Clover
posted by:
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Washington
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/05At some point, you're going to have to live your life for yourself, and ask what's more important: being with him, or being your true (polyamorous) self?
If it's being with him, and he won't accept you being polyamorous, you're just gonna have to nut it up and be monogamous, or get him to have casual-sex threesomes with a girl, or something nonthreatening.
If it's more important to you to be polyamorous, you can say to him that you're not ok with being monogamous, and you want to honestly and openly and ethically explore an open relationship. At that point, it's up to him whether to stay or go, and nothing you say can really make a difference. You can't change anyone, and it might just be that your relationship styles are incompatible. Not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is sometimes. Some people are just NOT wired for polyamory. Some folks can't ever (or don't want to) accept that love is not a finite thing, and there's enough to go around. And no matter what you say, they won't change.
(Side note- I believe that people are born either monogamous or polyamorous, just like folks are born straight or gay or bi or otherwise.)
Personally, I don't think that closing off a part of yourself that makes you happy and whole is a good or healthy thing, because eventually it'll just bite you in the ass, and you end up resenting the person you're with, that you can't be yourself with.
If he's "too busy" to read websites or books that are very important to you, that's a good indication that he's not willing to put forth the effort to understand who you are and what you want.
That's just my opinion anyway. I can't give you any concrete advice except to say to try your best, and if it still doesn't work, live your life for you. No relationship is worth compromising your personal beliefs and integrity. -
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/05Thank you so much!!! I hear what you are saying, and it's exactly the tough love I think I may need to hear. Sometimes I guess I just really think I see potential in him to open to polyamory, because although most of my life I've felt like I am able to love more than one person at a time, I remember a certain time in my life when there was no way in hell I would have been able to be in a poly relationship. But then I look at myself now...and it makes me think that even people who are die-hard about monogamy like I was might be able to change. I am totally not willing to sacrifice such an important and fundamental part of who I am for very much longer...it just makes me very sad to think that I may have to let go, because I really love him so much. But it would be better for me to let go, I guess, for the both of us, so that we both could be true to ourselves...I think I really just need to sit down and say, I can't be truly and deeply happy unless I am able to express this part of myself. And if he can't truly and deeply be happy in a relationship with me while I did that, then it would be so so heartbreaking.
I appreciate your response!!
Blessings -
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/05>and it makes me think that even people who are die-hard about monogamy like I was might be able to change.
They might be....but the question is, are they WILLING to? Unless the strong desire is there within themselves (and it needs to be a STRONG desire, it's hard to learn polyamorous behavior when you're steeped in a culture of monogamy!), it's pretty much a losing proposition.
Good luck to you. I hope that you can find a relationship style that works for both of you. :-)
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/06From the man's perspective, if I may:
Your current partner has a great deal of potential to discover his poly nature as in my opinion men half just as much if not more potential to be poly than women have. From a purely biological or scientific line of reasoning, men have less genetic inclination and social or anthropological pull to be in monogamous relationships. I don't want to get bogged down in the background for this sweeping statement but if you think about it I am sure you can understand on a gut level that men are more likely to have multiple lovers than women are as a rule.
The real problem is teaching men to be secure enough in themselves to feel comfortable with you having multiple lovers. That is the real trick in my opinion. Men tend to have very fragile egos and need to feel that they are in control of their romantic destiny and in turn the romantic destiny of their partner. For a man to have his girlfriend or wife take control of her relationships and branch out into other loving relationships is a real or at least perceived threat to the man on a basic level. It just doesn't seem possible to most men that the woman is capable of this type of behavior that is traditionally reserved for men.
It seems to me that you two choices now; a) Either let this person go and then begin your adventure on your own to find men who are already comfortable with the idea of polyamorous relationships and girlfriends with multiple male and/or female lovers or b) Take the time and energy to see if you cannot bring this person along into your new found world. The latter will be much more difficult and might also be scary and painful in the process but it might just be worth it in the end.
I find that the more my girlfriend lets me know that she loves me and can love other people at the same time without giving up the love she feels for me the more comfortable I am becoming with her poly way of life. The more experiences I share with her that prove that there is enough love for me and other people around us the more love I am able to feel and the safer I feel.
Of course it is much more complicated than this brief note. There is communication that never ends and jealousy that rears its ugly head over and over and must be processed each time. That is what all the books and counselors are for.
Good luck in whatever choice you ultimately come to. The poly way of life is a lot of work but it is an incredibly rewarding adventure along the way. -
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/07Platypus-
Thank you so much for that input. It gives me hope...you are right, in my experience it has mostly always been the men who have wanted to explore more than one person at a time. So yeah, I agree that I just need to find a way to make him feel secure and loved. Because I know he feels maybe part of it is that someone else can give me something he can't. Which in his view is probably bad...but to me everyone is different and has a special energy to offer...
I think I am more inclined to chose the second choice...but there are time when I feel like the first would be easier.
Once again I appreciate your response a lot, I think you nailed most of his perspective right on the head. . :)
Blessings!!!
Clover
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/07>(Side note- I believe that people are born either monogamous or polyamorous, just like folks are born straight or gay or bi or otherwise.)
I very much agree with your opinion...I've perceived this difference myself for years. There are many ways to practice openness and negotiation there is completely possible - but "flipping someone" doesn't work unless the seed was already there to some degree. My partner is monogamous and understands that I am not, and I count myself very, very lucky that we are making that work.
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/14" Suddenly I find myself crushing on all these women. I am still in love with and very very attracted to my partner, but have begun to feel like a raging bisexual and I am scared to act upon these feelings because my lover seems unopen to the idea. I'm almost beginning to feel guilty for having these desires"~Chenae
ME TOO! The guilt is something I have been very careful dealing with. I am aware that it can lead to feelings of resentment towards my husband but I know that it is my choice to stay in a relationship where I cannot act on my ply feelings. It would be easy to blame him and say he is "keeping me" from being me...but the reality is that I CHOOSE HIM. I choose to stay because I love him dearly, we have two beautiful children, and (most importantly) he is trying to understand and accept me for who I am.
"For a man to have his girlfriend or wife take control of her relationships and branch out into other loving relationships is a real or at least perceived threat to the man on a basic level." ~PlatypusMan
Well put. That is a concise description of what my husband has expressed to me. He feels like he cannot trust me, as if poly is just a sexual free for all. Currently I am focused on rebuilding the trust between us so that he knows I will not cheat on him, and will remain in love with him even if I fall for another girl (someday when he's ready).
"My partner is monogamous and understands that I am not, and I count myself very, very lucky that we are making that work."~Belle
How exactly????? are you making that work, lol. My husband has said he is not "built" to love more than one person, so he is trying to be ok with the fact that I am "built" to do just that. Making a poly+mono relationship work seems like such a daunting task (maybe because I am at the beginning of that process). -
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Re: Need Some Advice
03/14I hope you don't mind my butting in.
I've been married almost 14 years now & it too is a mono+poly combo...with myself being the poly 1/2. He knew before we ever got serious about each other, what I was all about & asked me to marry him anyway. :)
Some of the things that have gone into making this union a successful one -
1. I do not spend more than 1/2 my free time with other people.
2. I communicate openly & honestly & often, with everyone.
3. If I get serious about a lady, she will be meeting my husband, only so he knows who I'm spending my time with & giving a part of my heart to.
4. I do not make my problems/heartache from my additional relationships a problem in my marriage. I might ask my husband for advice, but I do my best to not make my pain his pain.
There's a lot more that's harder to put into words, but I think the above covers the important things that work for my husband & me.
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