Hey, do you know the story about the middle-aged guy who has a boring sex life with his wife? OMG another one of those. However, I like to think that in this case the same-old same-old diverges, since I'm not looking to replace her, or lie, but just go exploring, honoring the parts of our marriage that still work, while learning more about who I am. It's the process of realizing that I can't change her, that I still love her, and I've got another few years before I dry up, so what to do?
Well, longish story in brief, I found a girlfriend who didn't need me as a husband, and when she asked me "What is sexual activity do you wish for, that you haven't engaged in yet?" I honestly answered "Sex with two women at once." (Insert sound of audience clapping hand to forehead here)
"Well, then," she said, "that's your homework, before we can be together. You have to go find a hot babe duo and learn what that's all about . Get your ya-ya's out, and if you return to me, I'll know we're meant to be together."
Sigh. On the one hand, knowing myself and what step of the journey I am on is a good thing. On the other hand, it makes it so I am terrifically pent-up. And no, masturbation is just so not going to cut the mustard.
I suppose the most sucky part is that I have a very hard time with casual sex. Never done it. I've always cared for, and usually was in love with, my partner. Great for marriage, hard for dating. So I almost don't want to find a pair of HBB's who (in the incomparable words of Heatherlyn) "OMG just want to satisfy all the man's sexual fantasies," because I already have 2 women I love and who love with me, and I'm struggling just to get that to work out.
It sure is tough being a member of the over-supply of married, middle aged horn dogs. Sure wish my wife discovered the reason she's not into me is because she's into women. But I didn't write this script, I'm just living it with as much integrity as I can. My current idea is to ask my GF to go clubbing or to a cuddle party or LGBT event with me, and be my wingman; does that increase the creepy, or lessen it? Of course, suggestions are welcome, and snarky comments expected.
Well, longish story in brief, I found a girlfriend who didn't need me as a husband, and when she asked me "What is sexual activity do you wish for, that you haven't engaged in yet?" I honestly answered "Sex with two women at once." (Insert sound of audience clapping hand to forehead here)
"Well, then," she said, "that's your homework, before we can be together. You have to go find a hot babe duo and learn what that's all about . Get your ya-ya's out, and if you return to me, I'll know we're meant to be together."
Sigh. On the one hand, knowing myself and what step of the journey I am on is a good thing. On the other hand, it makes it so I am terrifically pent-up. And no, masturbation is just so not going to cut the mustard.
I suppose the most sucky part is that I have a very hard time with casual sex. Never done it. I've always cared for, and usually was in love with, my partner. Great for marriage, hard for dating. So I almost don't want to find a pair of HBB's who (in the incomparable words of Heatherlyn) "OMG just want to satisfy all the man's sexual fantasies," because I already have 2 women I love and who love with me, and I'm struggling just to get that to work out.
It sure is tough being a member of the over-supply of married, middle aged horn dogs. Sure wish my wife discovered the reason she's not into me is because she's into women. But I didn't write this script, I'm just living it with as much integrity as I can. My current idea is to ask my GF to go clubbing or to a cuddle party or LGBT event with me, and be my wingman; does that increase the creepy, or lessen it? Of course, suggestions are welcome, and snarky comments expected.
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Thu, June 19, 2008 - 7:00 PM>So I almost don't want to find a pair of HBB's who (in the incomparable words of Heatherlyn) "OMG just want to satisfy all the man's sexual fantasies,"
Oh, don't worry. You probably won't anyway. <grin>
(Well, you SAID 'snarky comments expected'). Why not just find a girlfriend who'll have sex with you NOW, rather than one who's stringing you along? I can imagine it would be much easier to find a polyamorous girlfriend for a relationship than it would two HBBs for a casual encounter (unless you pay them).
Seriously, dude. Don't compromise yourself because of what someone else tells you to do "before they'll have sex with you". What the hell is that? Manipulative! If you were "meant" to be together, she'd accept you as you were now, not after you've had a sexual encounter you've wished for. Yeah, you know what? I wish for all sorts of things that aren't going to happen sexually. I don't use them as definers of my life-- "I CANNOT HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP UNTIL I FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH A MIDGET, A POTTED FERN AND AN OCTOGENARIAN IN A FIELD OF DAISIES". (Um, that's just a hypothetical example. Ahem.)
Parting shot: Don't go to a cuddle party looking for sex, please. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Fri, June 20, 2008 - 2:52 PM>You probably won't anyway.
Thanks, Thank you very much. And Nooooo, I would never ever go to a cuddle party looking for sex. That's... Oh, ew. I would rather have to pay for sex, and that's uncomfortable enough for me to consider.
I appreciate the clear-headed advice about compromise. I am clearly so besot that I am not thinking well. I am not sure she is stringing me along; I feel like she has a valid concern: have I yet learned that bodies are bodies? Am I mature enough for a relationship that lands on many levels?
Hmm, I can see that I'm doing myself a disservice. You're right, she'll have me or not, and I don't have to go find a potted plant, a midget, a field of lowers and wait another 40 years until I'm the right age. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Fri, June 20, 2008 - 5:42 PMwait, so let me get this straight...
You are with your wife, and have NOT brought up the poly stuff at all (or the new GF or the 3some idea?) and are now planning on having a casual encounter with 2 other women (not your wife or GF) outside of this all??? and how is this being true and honest to your current relationships? and really to YOURSELF???
Maybe you just need to come clean with your wife about all of this and really "find yourself"?
good luck!
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Fri, June 20, 2008 - 6:37 PM
He said he was "not looking to replace her or lie" speaking of his wife, so I don't know where you get the idea that he hasn't talked to his wife about it...
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Mon, June 23, 2008 - 10:06 PMThanks for the getting my back on that, Miss S. Yes, my wife knows. About my wanting to live out the two women fantasy (she's of HeatherLyn's opinion: probably will never happen) and about me going dating. The hardest part of that is she believes there's some sort of a 12-step program she can force me into, that I'll "recover" back into monogamy. She doesn't understand that after all the life journeying we've been through, the good bad and ugly, the withheld sex, the breakdowns and therapy, I've finally reconnected with my true orientation. Shoot, I don't really understand it. I'd been raised/trained to be monogamous. For years I was sure I was going to hell if I even thought these thoughts.
There's plenty of room in my heart for her, and for another, and for another... The question is, can she flex this far? I risk losing her, but I do not want to lie, trick, or force her into staying if it is just too painful for her. She needs the facts so she can be at choice.
So, yes, she knows. And it is hard, because we're still adjusting, and I'm awkward at it, and she feels like I'm mistreating her by being me. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Sat, July 12, 2008 - 1:51 PMSo, out of curiosity, why NOT pay for sex? There's nothing wrong with that, and if you're looking for a threesome one-night-stand, it sounds like the perfect possibility. The Bay Area has a few queer/bi sex workers, and if you ask them if they have a girl they enjoy working with, it could be quite fun. And quite possibly more safe, simple, and upfront than trying to meet multiple women on CL or something. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Sat, July 12, 2008 - 11:05 PMKitty Kitty,
I understand what you are saying here completely, in the moment, safety net, and so on, .....and totally agree..........
..................but then we are left with those who have had too much to drink, .... store is further away than the wiling walk...da, da, da, da, dah.....
My answer to why not pay for sex, as I never have., would be the fact that papers can be forged, no there is nothing wrong with that for those who are looking, but do I actually want to trust a simple piece of paper??!!! I love my body more than that!!!
Lynn -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Sun, July 13, 2008 - 5:10 AMDo you mean STI check papers?
Because in general, the hookers I know get tested more regularly and more thoroughly than most of the "regular" women I know. I get tested around once every three months, for example, and I'm perhaps overly aware of what's a low, medium, and high risk activity, along with having a rep for being stubborn around safer sex.
As someone who considered one night stands on CL, and who has done various types of sex work, the latter is generally safer. This might be influenced by being currently in Europe, where STI levels among people who don't do sex work is sky rocketing (drunken sex happens a lot here) while among sex workers it's either level or falling, thanks to increased awareness and more services being available. ::shrug::
I guess I bring it up as people generally feel there's something wrong with paying for your sexual encounter, and having chosen to pay a sex worker for a threesome with my lover and I, I found it easier, more civilized, and safer than just picking up a random woman. And it was fun!
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Sat, June 21, 2008 - 8:33 AMwow I agree with heatherlynn.... holy cow I can't belive she would tell you something like that.
I mean seriously may be this is just me, but if I ask a partner what fantasys they have I will then either a) listen smile and appreciate the fantasy but take no action B) choose to help them fufill this fantasy if its with in my comfort zone.
I am not going to tell them ok go do that and you can't touch me untill you have found someone else to do that with.... Just my opinion but I think thats crazy. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Sat, June 21, 2008 - 11:47 AM
Yeah, I agree with your A and B options. I also might elaborate on the fantasy verbally to turn us both on.
The giving of assignments does sound odd. I mean, if you're in an established dominant and submissive relationship where that dynamic is established, that would make sense, but not so much in your situation. -
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Re: Made my bed, now I have to find it...
Mon, June 23, 2008 - 10:17 PMGigi, Miss S, thanks.
I've been wondering about having an "assignment" before being intimate. On the one hand, making arrangements for a nice vacation to have time to spend on discovering each other before you get intimate is a kind of an assignment. On the other, jumping through a nearly non-existent hoop is just going to make me insane.
I think I just had an insight: I bet she's monogamous, or serially so, and doesn't want to share. So if I have "exploring" to do, she wants me to do it before we are together.
Hm. I'll check with her on that, and suggest she let it go. Since the odds are way, way against me. And planning for low-probability "what-if's" just makes people nuts.
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Oh, goody. Now we get to be "friends."
Wed, June 25, 2008 - 6:31 PMWell, ladies and gents, that's the closing paragraph of this chapter. After some conversation and soul searching and other defining events, I am now blessed with yet another wonderful woman to have a platonic relationship with. That's sweet and all, but Maslow's pyramid is getting pretty top-heavy. I dunno. Friends forever is a pretty good result. I am in pretty serious hope for something different next time, though.
I tell ya, if any of you want some all-night lovin' this Thursday or Friday, I am totally, totally wound up with no outlet other than jumping jacks. Or swimming. Yeah, some swimming might be good. Definitely not dancing, though, that would just wind me up further.
Um, thanks for the advice, everyone. I'd rather this result than something messy and lacking integrity.
