NRE vs ORE: New vs Ongoing Relationship Energy in Poly Sexualloving

topic posted Tue, December 23, 2008 - 12:22 PM by  Unsubscribed
NRE vs ORE: New vs Ongoing Relationship Energy in Poly Sexualloving

by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

Janet wrote:

When Rose, my female lover, furiously rode my husband during
a love-in, my body felt that old familiar pain in my gut and my heart
once again. I silently collapsed in defeat. Jealousy! When will I
ever be done with that 'ol green-eyed monster?

"I can't ever possibly compete with that," I thought as I
watched them, peeking between my fingers. "They're so involved; so
wild in their passion, they don't even notice me and how miserable I

What chemistry do they experience when they feel that
wildness, connection, joy? It looks like, but no, it couldn't be
could it? Could it be ... NRE--new relationship energy?

What a minute here. My husband had been involved with Coyote
and Rose for about 15 years! This was not a new relationship by any
means. I met Sash, moved in with and married him. A month later,
he introduced me to his lovers, Coyote and Rose. So, if anything,
Sasha and I are the ones who possibly still have NRE, not Sasha and

But here it is, obviously, an energy that is still there for
them after all these years.

I had been in two long-term monogamous relationships, 12
years each, spanning 24 years of MY adult life. I know how sexual
excitement fades, how lovemaking becomes routine, stale, perhaps even
boring. In those monogamous days of my life, I contemplated
that "swingers" probably maintained the excitement in their love life
by bringing that new, novel energy back home to their beds.

And what of my observations of Sasha and Rose, long, long
time lovers? Their energy "felt" to me like NRE. I was jealous.
Does he have something different with Rose and not with me-his wife,
his buddy, his companion, his lover, his confidant? Perhaps there is
a "key" here. What do they have together that Sasha and I don't have?

Could they be so passionate because they don't live together?
Could it have something to do with the frequency of their encounters?
And if there is a different energy for those who are infrequent
lovers, perhaps we need to coin yet another phrase?

How about ERE? External Relationship Energy? Extraneous
Relationship Energy? Extramarital Relationship Energy? Perhaps OPE:
Outside Primary Energy?

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it? My husband and I
counsel couples, triads and moresomes, so I've heard all the stories.
I've also read hundreds of emails and had hundreds of emails, chats
and instant messages from people bored with sex with their mates.
Many complain "My wife (or husband) won't make love with me
anymore." The neglected mate often goes out and cheats and feels
justified for their actions. "We started out so passionate, so in
love. What happened?"

What I think happens is we pent up resentments. Pent-up
resentments create distance in our relationships. We always create
resentments; we can't help it. When we're primary lovers with
someone, we inevitably resent them.

We resent our lovers because we're in the thrall of negative
bonding patterns--repeated sour interactions fueled by our childhood
conditioning. We react to our lovers as though they were our
mothers, fathers or siblings.

We and our partners are imago mates, deeply imprinted,
desired soul mates who complete each other, who give touch,
sensitivity, intimacy and respect we still need but didn't get (the
way we wanted) from parents. The catch to lovers who could heal our
hurts with parents is that our lovers could disappoint us again if
they don't do better than Mom and Dad. Our imago mates resemble our
caretakers--not necessarily physically–but emotionally,
psychologically and energetically.

Our imago mates mirror us, reflect our disowned
subpersonalities, our inner voices. They show us disowned aspects of
ourselves we need to use to center ourselves. They mirror
underdeveloped parts of our humanity; they do this by what they do or
how they are that we envy or hate.

Here's how this operates for me and Sasha. He snaps at me
because he's scared ex-wife Joan will get our house. He's upset by
that but snaps at me. He morphs into an irritable father. I become
withdrawn daughter, then angry mother. He reacts as rebel adolescent.
We stick in a parent/adult/parent/adult vicious cycle till we center
ourselves, apologize, reconnect and make love wholeheartedly again.

Sometimes partners find that though they forgave each other
verbally, resentment lurks within and eventually kills sexual desire.
They create internal scoring systems. She hits the "One Too Many
Resentments" button and they separate.

We overcome our difficulties and survive in our
relationships, react less to our lovers' predicaments, and learn new
ways to enrich ourselves by learning from our lovers. We learn, grow
and appreciate our mates more. How do we prevent resenting the heck
out of one another over time? How do we keep that passion of NRE or
infrequent relationship alive in our primary pair bond?

I suffered jealousy for days; I ranted at Sasha. I penned a
7-page "hate" letter to Rose! (how dare she, that Bitch!). I analyzed
my reactions with Sash and Rose when they came over. We'd focused on
pleasing them and showing them a good time. But we lost feeling of
being connected to each other. I resolved to return to Sasha during
water and bathroom breaks. We'd bring each other the passion we'd
just shared with our Rose and Coyote. We'd keep returning to each
other. Sash enthusiastically agreed.

I keep communication lines wide open with Sash as loving,
tactful and honest as I can. We stay orgasmic, follow our tantric
practices twice daily, we can also enjoy sexual diversity and
simultaneously keep linked to each other. Then we bring the
electricity of other loves to each other.

Janet Kira Lessin

I add my reaction:

I prefer ORE--Ongoing Relationship Energy--to NRE (New Relationship
Energy). With ORE I can ever better tune into the changing moods,
needs and sensual transformations of my lovers and better love,
comfort, support and pleasure them. Sure, I love connecting with new
lovers, but it's the deepening love of ongoing friendship and mutual
appreciation that sustains my soul.

Sasha Lessin sashalessinphd@...

posted by:

Recent topics in "World Polyamory Association"