Hey fellas,
My husband and I have been together for about 7 years now. While not perfect, we have a really great relationship built on honesty, love and lots of laughter. For the past 5 years or so we've had a semi open relationship where we had an agreement that we could have sex with other guys as long as we were together (ie threesomes/orgies). However in this past year we have met quite a few friends who are into polyamory and polyfuckery and we decided that we felt that we were ready to open up our relationship a bit more to allow for sex with others when we are not together. So far so good. I'll admit it took a bit of adjustment and there were some minor jealousy issues, but we talked them over and we both feel good about it.
Well recently we met someone that we both really like who is really into the both of us. He's fun, sexy, silly and really laid back. Over the past month the three of us have been spending a lot of time together and he's been staying over more nights than not. We've all been really happy. So we have sort of unoffically made him our boyfriend. It is our feeling that as long as it doesn't damage our relationship, than we are happy to have in our lives. And his thought is that he is down to find a primary, but he's not seriously looking and if does, it will be somebody who understands that he is not a monogamous person.
So all in all it's been a great set up. I'm happy because having two men in my life helps me satisfy my desire to snuggle and cuddle and be loved all the time and my husband is happy because he gets to get fucked 2X as much! lol. And our boy is very happy as well. Again though, with this change in our relationship, it has added a degree of stress and adjustment, however I believe that through honest and open discussion we have worked everything out.
So I guess at this point, I'm looking for some advice from any gay poly veterans out there. Any tips for maintaining a good poly relationship where my emphasis is on my primary? Any thoughts on dealing with those occasional feelings of jealousy that may arise? What have your experiences been?
love and light,
Shadj
My husband and I have been together for about 7 years now. While not perfect, we have a really great relationship built on honesty, love and lots of laughter. For the past 5 years or so we've had a semi open relationship where we had an agreement that we could have sex with other guys as long as we were together (ie threesomes/orgies). However in this past year we have met quite a few friends who are into polyamory and polyfuckery and we decided that we felt that we were ready to open up our relationship a bit more to allow for sex with others when we are not together. So far so good. I'll admit it took a bit of adjustment and there were some minor jealousy issues, but we talked them over and we both feel good about it.
Well recently we met someone that we both really like who is really into the both of us. He's fun, sexy, silly and really laid back. Over the past month the three of us have been spending a lot of time together and he's been staying over more nights than not. We've all been really happy. So we have sort of unoffically made him our boyfriend. It is our feeling that as long as it doesn't damage our relationship, than we are happy to have in our lives. And his thought is that he is down to find a primary, but he's not seriously looking and if does, it will be somebody who understands that he is not a monogamous person.
So all in all it's been a great set up. I'm happy because having two men in my life helps me satisfy my desire to snuggle and cuddle and be loved all the time and my husband is happy because he gets to get fucked 2X as much! lol. And our boy is very happy as well. Again though, with this change in our relationship, it has added a degree of stress and adjustment, however I believe that through honest and open discussion we have worked everything out.
So I guess at this point, I'm looking for some advice from any gay poly veterans out there. Any tips for maintaining a good poly relationship where my emphasis is on my primary? Any thoughts on dealing with those occasional feelings of jealousy that may arise? What have your experiences been?
love and light,
Shadj
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California
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 11:08 PMHi Shadjua,
Can't speak as a gay poly guy but I can as a happily married bi poly guy.
Three things.
1, Always make your primary relationship the most important one. Always feed & nurture it first.
2, Watch for NRE (New Relationship Energy.) It can be intoxicating and make most anyone do stupid stuff.
3, Biggest cause of jealousy is feeling left out. Never exclude your husband & ask him to do the same for you. It is one thing if you opt out. It is another to be excluded.
Be well
L -
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Sun, April 13, 2008 - 2:32 PMI agree that if you want to keep your primary relationship most primary, then prioritize it above the others.
On the other hand, some folks find that they prefer more than one primary, like a group marriage. Then it would make sense to put all the relationships on the same level.
And yes, that NRE is a bitch.
Personally I don't mind being left out, as long as there is plenty of communication around scheduling. Often what will happen is people fail to communicate that they want alone time with a certain partner, because they're afraid of what the other partner(s) will say. Intrigue, drama, wailing and gnashing of teeth typically result. Yuck!
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Tough questions
Fri, April 25, 2008 - 2:10 AMIf you love each other, then just keep loving each other. I like the saying, "If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it's yours" I also like the Buddhist ideas of non-attachment. I heard in a reply the words jealousy. I suppose this is part of being a human. I think you should always try to remember what you seek from each other, and what you are building together. If it's powerful enough, it will continue. People do separate because they need to build with others. I have a friend that advised, "Don't divide, just add." Good business sense, but doe's it work in relationships? I think what's important is that the relationship supports your human potential, your growth, and this would apply to all incoming partners. I suppose the third element is a risk you take in exploring these deeper issues of trust and freedom. I wish you the best and all the love possible.
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Fri, April 25, 2008 - 10:54 AMthank you guys for your advice. It is very much appreciated!! -
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Wed, May 7, 2008 - 8:04 PMI think that all that has been said is good.
I have been in a same sex open relationship for 7 years... and it is the greatest love of my life.
I Hope you will look at the comments I made in the other thread "Out of Ideas and Going Down Fast".
I can understand what you are saying.. about the jealousy issues... fact is that Love is No Jealous.. insecurity is.
I have experienced it I think most have. but it is really about feeling insecure... and the answer is really communication.
my spouse and I regularly reassure each other that we are not looking for a replacement... it has become sort of a little joke between us...
we have annually renewable contracts... and we never really had the period of "Sharing" partners since our tastes in men are so different.
(even though we have shared a guy together twice... it is a rarity.
fact is that every relationship takes vigilance and communication... and it also requires that the primary relationship always have its needs addressed...
I know of only one other triad Used to be 5 men in one marriage... one passed away... and one left... but I would recommend speaking to Scotty Dog (a member of the Portland Puppy pile) who I consider the premiere expert on this subject. if you would like his email I can provide it... though he is tough to get an answer from... due to his demanding work schedual... but a truly great and sweet man.
my partner and I have an annually renewable contract which makes sure that no one is feeling taken for granted...
it sounds to me like your instincts are very good... I believe that many more relationships fail from boredom or feeling taken for granted... or infidelity brought on by feeling trapped.
the real question is... why would anyone leave a relationship that allows their needs to be met in a unique and honest way?
Blessings to you all.
William -
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Thu, May 8, 2008 - 3:37 PMthank you for your kind and informative reply!
So far everything is still going wonderfully. We all three have been working at strengthening out individual dyadic relationships as well as our relationship as a triad, so we don't really have any issues of jealously. I agree that jealousy is a product of insecurity and intially I was a little insecure about what being in a triad meant for my husband and my relationship, but now I am confident that is only a means of enriching our bond.
Thanks again fellas ;-) -
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Re: "now I am confident that is only a means of enriching our bond"
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 12:31 AMyou know... Every Relationship is some work if it is done right...
it reminds me of my favorite quote (I can Not remember who said it)
"for every complex Question there is a Simple answer...
that answer is wrong!"
I believe that the extra effort that your relationship may require will yield even greater rewards...
You are the Lucky ones... and you are blazing exciting and wonderful territory and are are living as examples for many others.
celabrate the love you have... and each other!
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Re: New Poly Relationship. Looking for some advice...
Sat, May 10, 2008 - 1:04 PMThank you Shadjua for your interesting post, and thanks to all who shared their thoughts and insights; I enjoyed reading the posts and am happy to hear that you and your lovers are enjoying one another.
I have identified as polyamorous for about ten years, but I haven't had more than one partner for the past seven (short term flings and sex partners excluded). I was in a triad for about 9 months, but one partner ultimately decided that polyamory was not for him, so it ended rather badly. Although I tend not to be a jealous person I have experienced jealousy at times when I felt excluded by my former partner and his lover, so I agree with those who said that communicating with and, when appropriate, including your partner(s), are key to avoiding jealousy. To these recommendations I would add: Learn to welcome your jealous feelings and to talk about them openly with your loved one(s) ASAP. I am one who tends to hide from negative emotions because I want to look good (i.e. "I am too spiritually evolved and emotionally secure to feel jealous"). I have found that when I acknowledge my feelings and express them to my lovers (I feel sad; I feel lonely; I feel left out, hurt, resentful, etc.) the jealous feelings usually vanish in short order, and the opening for my partner(s) to provide reassurance is created. I wish you and your men many happy years together.
All the best,
Charlie -
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Re: Learn to welcome your jealous feelings and to talk about them openly with your loved one(s) ASAP.
Mon, May 12, 2008 - 4:57 PMCharlie ... what you say here is SOOOOOo True!
(and Spiritually evolved! )
and you are also right to say:
"I am one who tends to hide from negative emotions because I want to look good (i.e. "I am too spiritually evolved and emotionally secure to feel jealous"). I have found that when I acknowledge my feelings and express them to my lovers (I feel sad; I feel lonely; I feel left out, hurt, resentful, etc.) the jealous feelings usually vanish in short order, and the opening for my partner(s) to provide reassurance is created."
that is such a mature and evolved thing to say... I am sure that there are people here who will greatly benifit from your words here.
Honesty IS the best Polocy in relationships. if you want a solid foundation.
you did good. thanks!
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