"Be as close to him as you want, share everything, be affectionate have him in your life forever, but if there is sex involved we are over. It disgusts me and makes me sick to think of you with another man. "
Strange to me since all of the connections are there have such a great relationship with two men. But I am not able to give myself fully to both of them. Is it fair, is it possible? Whats the big freaking deal about sex anyway? Why is that the most horrible disgusting thing possible.... UG it's going to be a long road on this I'm Poly and He's not road....
{{sigh}}
Strange to me since all of the connections are there have such a great relationship with two men. But I am not able to give myself fully to both of them. Is it fair, is it possible? Whats the big freaking deal about sex anyway? Why is that the most horrible disgusting thing possible.... UG it's going to be a long road on this I'm Poly and He's not road....
{{sigh}}
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Sat, July 12, 2008 - 6:08 AMI hear you, and all the poly's hear you.
What I have come to realize is that ..this limits requested and demanted by another, has nothing to do with fairness, or much of anything else, except for the beliefs and emotions of the one we love (be it rational or not).
At least you got "everything else".. I don't think i am so lucky, as I was even barred from tribe at some point, or even talking about personal thing with anyone new on the internet (I did not have very many friends).
I has plenty to do with self-security, self-identification, fear, shame and embarrasement.. perhaps lack of compassion, lack of selfless empathy.
In my marriage, I offered my beloved the chance to get a lover, but she quickly declined it.. I think she does not let herself feel or think of another man since it would confuse her world perhaps. I asked for the same opportunity myself, but that was met with the same closed mind.. and with an ultimatum also...
yes.. it is a long long straight and ever so narrow road..
How openly do you talk about the idea of making the relationship open?
In my case, this is a super delicate subject so it is seldom discussed. -
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Sat, July 12, 2008 - 9:43 AMWe have talked several times about this over the last year. I have been pushing the topic, trying to be slightly gentle about it =) I told both of them I am not giving up on either of them. I have said and done everything I can think of to make both feel secure and loved. Both are happy and very in love with me as well... I am in a relationship with #1 with a child and we have been good friends with another lad for many years, going on 10. I guess I had "joked" about having two boyfriends for the last 5 years referring to him, and really came out about it over the last year.
The person I'm living with understands how I feel and has gotten to the point of understanding and accepting... It's just hard not crossing that boundary that seems so natural. I'm committed to both of them... and want to be able to express that. I don't understand why sex is the end all be all of betrayal and a relationship. I already feel like I'm close and with both of them...
If either of them were to tell me they were interested in someone.. I'm sure the feelings of jealousy and insecurities would arise, but I would deal with it. And be happy they were able to find someone to grow and learn from as well... I don't think feeling uncomfortable for a period of time is the end of a relationship.. we grow and learn through these things.
I'm not sure how to let myself grow so close and intimate with another person and not cross that line.. eventually. I'm so scared that I'm going to mess up... and have been trying to be honest. It scares me so much to think of him never being able to fully accept it and just leaving my other boy.... hanging. I hate to start something that will just be stuck in limbo... -
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Sun, July 13, 2008 - 8:14 AMYes, I understand your situation. Your viewpoint mirrors mine.. I think sex is just one other aspect of ourselves..something that really does not fit well with artificial boundaries and limits.. I believe they should modulate naturally and innately.
I have come to accept my wife's monogamy, because of the stress that will be imposed on her life otherwise.. there is a simplicity that I enjoy about it too. But still, my poly side (mostly in my mind) is ever withering away..thinking of my wife missing out on men who could bring things out of her, I can't, or showing her experiences that i cannot and how our lives would improve for this life enriching growth. I would also expand my world view with others, and would celebrate life more fully and abundantly with adding another woman.
I think your partner is way generous if he only has issue with sex, my wife has issue will more than just that.. so from my eyes, I think you got it good as far as monogamy goes.
When we cannot have something, like sex, we tend to covet it, more than it really merrits (IMHO). We overestimate it's pleasures and underestimates its burdens.. but I agree, that even with it's imperfections, as everyother in life, is one that we should be able to self-express without artificial boundaries..
I think, for you, I would advice encouraging him, in your own way, to get a girl friend.. or a lover.. perhaps through kink or other things.. try to make him comes to grips the benefits he would incur if his mind and heart where to open.
It's a long and rocky road.. the one less travelled.. but I suspect it would be worth it. -
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Mon, July 14, 2008 - 10:53 PMI wish I had known I was Poly before starting a Mono relationship... ug.. lol.
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Sat, July 12, 2008 - 11:35 PMI don't know the direction this is coming from........
,,,,,at the same tine from what i"ve read he's not ready
Lynn
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Fri, July 25, 2008 - 6:03 PMThis is because he has not gotten over himself. He has not checked his ego at the door and having control over your sexuality is control that makes him feel at peace within himself. It's his own fears that he is "not good enough", "not big enough", "what if sex is better with him than with me? You'll leave me."
It's nothing but insecurity and jealousy on his part.
What to do? I don't know. Other than talking to him about it in a non-confrontational way where he can really express how he feels, and men usually won't do that easily. Going that deep is painful and "unmasculine". Or at least that is what we are taught by society during all our formative years. He needs to get beyond that, and you can help him by allowing him to share his feelings with you. But you can't drag them out of him, only give him the opportunity to express them. But you can ask him "what is it about sex that makes you so uneasy?" That should at least open the conversation up.
Good luck. It can be a long road, but he'll be happier when he no longer has to battle the ego dragon and he is secure in himself and his value to you.
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Tue, August 5, 2008 - 2:19 PMHi Newmoon,
Yeah, that's the question that puzzled me many, um, new moons ago. And got me thinking about Poly. Any relationship is a full and complete relationship in and of itself. So why is sex the deal breaker? I've never really understood that but I'd like to hear more opinions on your question.
I suspect that 350ppm's (is that pages per minute or parts per million?) experience is acutally just as common. In developing any kind of intimate relationship with someone, with or without the naughty bits, he's encountered significant resistance in his primary relationship.
But I do get what you are saying. We seem to be able to have fairly full relationships with other people and, yet, sex is the line that one daren't cross. Sex is considered sacred -- to be shared strictly between two married (um, to each other) folk. But that seems like a rather artificial morality-based boundary. I think there's some sense of ownership involved -- you are "mine" therefore I get the benefits of having you sexually and nobody else does. That may be mandated by evolution. Insecurity is huge and sex is just so wonderfully measureable as a trigger for all sorts of insecurity-driven fear.
The soul-mate factor comes into it too. That particular idea may explain it a lot -- you have only one soul mate and sex is a spiritual sharing between two perfectly matched souls. So if you can have sex with someone else, then your relationship isn't perfect.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling.
Have you discussed with your partner what his hang up is about it? Might be interesting to know.
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Fri, August 8, 2008 - 9:42 AMOh Sure we've discussed it many a time. I'm pretty sure it is all rooted in insecurities and a fear that I'm going to run off or compare him with the other. Even though all rooted in that, still doesn't change how he feels. Although I am very thankful that we are all still able to have a relationship and he is okay w/ all of us staying close. I just hope for time to make a difference. I really just don't care all that much about the penis, or who's better in bed etc, lol... different people different experiences. I wouldn't have proposed all of this if I just wanted to ditch one person and run off with another.
My wish is that in time this idea and relationship will all become old news, boring and no big deal. It's been hard to get the two lads together since we live far a part. They are actually going to be together for the first time since Feb next week.. so maybe some conversations and comfort will come out of that.. who knows. Maybe not! lol.. I am curious to see how the dynamic will be.
-newmoon -
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Fri, August 8, 2008 - 10:05 AM
Sound like you are doing a great job going nice and easy through this. Giving him the room and time to work through his feelings. Those feelings of insecurity and fear are compounded by the fact that society, and maybe some genetic conditioning too, says we are supposed to feel that way. He can decide to change how he feels, however.
As you said, hopefully some time to get comfortable will help. Good luck!
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Tue, August 19, 2008 - 3:42 AMit's an odd distinction to make with me, because IMO emotional connection of that magnitude is just as much if not more intimate than sexual acts. -
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Re: Everything is fine, but Sex!!
Tue, August 19, 2008 - 7:09 PMMisha,
Can you expand a bit on how you feel about that? I'm not asking with any preconceived notions or criticism or anything... I'm just curious to hear more of what you have to say :-)
What kind of emotional processing is wrapped around that? What does it mean for you in terms of traditional relationships? What sort of boundaries do you set for yourself, and what boundaries do you expect of your lover(s)? How would respond to Newmoon more directly or respond to the situation she's in? -
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Re: Everything is fine, but meaningful Emotional connection!!
Tue, August 19, 2008 - 7:54 PMThe thing with limits, withing mono or poly, is that it is not about making sense..
people put the weirdest restriction on others that one has to simply accept as requests and one honors them or not..
I have heard of women who are only allowed to have sex with black men.. or men who can only have sex with someone of another time zone.. or only if they are ugly.. or republicans.. or not taller than this or that...
and no oral sex.. or no french kissing.. or no vaginal sex.. but anal if fine.. or this ..or that.. etc etc..
i think the sky is the limit on how neurotic a mind is..and I have long ago stop making perfect sense of it..
the thing i dislike more.. is when the neurosis is vague and ambiguous because you do not know where you stand.. the perfect example is someone having issues with the partner having meaningful emotional connection with another..
I find myself in this situation and I am sadden to think that my loved one find it repulsive that i can have a meaningful emotional connection to another human. whenever i think about it, i feel like i am living an orwelian surreal life... sometimes this point makes me wonder if I can trully believe that my beloved actually loves me.
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Re: Everything is fine, but meaningful Emotional connection!!
Yesterday, 7:52 AM350ppm said "the thing i dislike more.. is when the neurosis is vague and ambiguous because you do not know where you stand.. the perfect example is someone having issues with the partner having meaningful emotional connection with another.. "
Sorry to hear you are going through that. I know the feeling all too well. "Surreal" is a good way to put it.
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