So I met this woman at a contra dance and we hit it off really well in a lot of ways, and have great chemistry. We've been hanging out a lot lately and things have heated up a bit, though no sex (yet). I'm married and poly; she's single. She's having a lot of issues about the fact that I'm married, and I just can't offer her the kind of relationship she seems to be wanting. But I *really* enjoy the chemistry we have going and she seems to as well. We're both conflicted about this and I think it is probably unworkable but I wanted to see if anyone here had some relevant experience or advice that might be helpful...??
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SF Bay Area
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 10:05 AMYou are a relationship junkie. They are your lifeblood. Listen to what her needs are and respect them. You can create alot of chaos is her life that she does not need. There are alot of potential Poly partners out there that can integrate well with you. I have no doubt that the energy that will enter into the mix of the two of you will be very trying and confusing for her. Ultimately this is not a necessary relationship for you. You have alot of options. She does not. Pay attention to what she is seeking and don't try to fit yourself into her lifepath if your own wiser mind knows the pitfalls this will cause her...
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 10:15 AMMy partner and I have been in an open relationship for 35 years, he met someone that was not poly, she was able to maintain a relationship withim for a few years, but ultimately she began to be very clear about what she wanted, for him to leave me and marry her and become monogamous....
it was a very difficult time for all of us.. he was conflicted because he had very intense feelings for her.... but he and I had also been together in a functional poly relationship. he told her he couldnt offer her what she was ultimately seeking.... they could be friends and lovers for as long as they wanted but he couldnt give up his ways to give her what she desired....
they lasted a few more year and she finaly decided to end the relationship with him, there were a lot of hurt feelings, some drama that we had to dealwith about it, and now they no longer speak to one another....
if she is not poly already, and has said shes mono, then trying to change oneo r the other of you will be like trying to change the spots on a leopard..... ya might be able to cover the spots, but they are always there..... underneath, waiting.....
eventually someone will be hurt by this....
if you plan to continue this energy filled lust driven relationship be prepared to also have to deal with the drama that will most certainly follow....
be VERY clear onyour boundries.... and respect hers as well..... above all, Honesty, ya cant play the middle of the road in relationships like this... someone will be mowed down and its extremely hurtful to everyone involved....
good luck... I would certainly say... enjoy the friendship, but keep the boundries clear and look for someone that fits more closely to what you are and already have built inyour relationship....
just my .02
Bare -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 12:22 PMWise words, well spoken. The Lyin truth..
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 3:51 PMAw you guys are no fun... :( I want to hear how it can be done, not how unlikely it is ... *sigh*
Anyway, every poly person starts out mono until they question the basic assumptions of our society, right?
Sorry, I know it's probably futile but I don't want to give up hope that easily... -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 9:56 PMThe point was that it can be done, but she will loose alot and you will gain whatever it is you are looking for. If you know what that is. I know a number of Polywollies that started out poly and still are. They didn't change at all. Your responsibility is not to convert Mono's, but to find someone who is already ready to shift and not someone you have to convince.. -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 11:10 PMAbsolutely, what James said......
I would certainly hope that someone in the lifestyle, with a partner they share the lifestyle with doesnt go around trying to convince a mono person to become poly just because they have a kinetic energy thing happening....
and I would hope the poly person is being absolutely honest and above reproach with the persons involved.....
no one said not to do it... You asked if we could relate, we answered you, you obviously have made up your mind already to continue to see this person... all we are saying is be aware and prepared to have to deal with some certain issues as they will most likely arise
its about respect and consideration.... I woud hope you wouldnt make it only about your own desires but consider everyone in this equation.....
Bare
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, December 12, 2007 - 1:04 PMYou know some of the responses to this thread leave a bad taste in my mouth. This feeling of mono vs poly. YUCK.
The reality is that two people can indeed like each other for each other, they will either work or not but both are going to grow in the process. The growth is never one sided. I think about my past and the lovers I have met both mono and poly and what they came into my life for, and I just get so upset when I hear people discount the possible beauty because of possible pain. Even now it is a lesson I am learning. I have built a relationship with a girl who is not open to seeing others. I decided that she is intriguing enough for me to forestall my nature and no longer take other relationships there. I will not change my nature, I just will no longer leave the friends platform. I was very clear about who I am as a person with her and she is okay with this.
The reason I mention the relation is because we almost did not get off the ground because of something similar. I have had a vasectomy, I will not reverse it nor do I care to adopt or have another child, I am happy with just my son. She wants the options for children someday. If I were to follow some of the logic in this post I would walk away from the passion and pull, the Kinetic energy of this relationship just because of a fear of not being able to work out this difference. A fear of hurting her or being hurt. We talked for hours and hours about this and realized that all we were doing was labeling something that could be beautiful beyond compare. We were giving words power, it was unhappy and ugly neither of us were ready to say goodbye yet. Now a month later life our relationship is amazing, there is this issue but we both know that someday it might pull us apart, someday we will end, but that is true of everything.
My .02: Talk to her, be clear about who you are and your intentions then let her decide if she is ready for this or not. Maybe she jumps in and gets hurt, maybe she runs away, maybe she opens her world and heart. Who knows. But do not contain, define or unnecessarily box in the relation because of fear. Your adults; take responsibility for your own hearts.
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Mon, July 9, 2007 - 3:45 AMI simply don't go there. Keeps my life low-drama.
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Fri, July 6, 2007 - 7:38 AM"I just can't offer her the kind of relationship she seems to be wanting"
Regardless of poly or mono this statement/situation can be true for any future relationship.
Regardless of poly or mono you have to be prepared to accept EVERYTHING a relationship has to bring.
Regardless of poly or mono YOU need to make the choice for YOU - not her - all you can do is be extremely clear on what poly means for you, how you do poly, how you might behave and what she may expect. Other than that it is her call.
If you start looking at the obstacle/hardships down the road - you'll never risk trying anything in life.
Live life to its fullest - even if it means getting burned a couple of times.
Good luck - -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Sat, July 7, 2007 - 8:49 AMWhat about platonic friendship? -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Sat, July 7, 2007 - 11:54 AMThat's an interesting option - when sex wasn't working out for whatever reason, sometimes I've had "romantic friendships" with people. We would do all of the mushy holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, long walks on the beach, but no sex. Works for some!
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Tue, December 11, 2007 - 1:23 AMRegardless of poly or mono this statement/situation can be true for any future relationship.
Regardless of poly or mono you have to be prepared to accept EVERYTHING a relationship has to bring.
Regardless of poly or mono YOU need to make the choice for YOU - not her - all you can do is be extremely clear on what poly means for you, how you do poly, how you might behave and what she may expect. Other than that it is her call.
If you start looking at the obstacle/hardships down the road - you'll never risk trying anything in life.
Live life to its fullest - even if it means getting burned a couple of times.
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YES.
That bore repeating.
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Tue, July 24, 2007 - 6:40 PMshe may never get it ...so you might just let it go, chemistry is great and all, but she's gonna get hurt in the long run!
and so are you ! -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Tue, July 24, 2007 - 6:42 PMoh and yes, I gave a year and a half to a non poly relationshit and all we got was and ending ....... -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Tue, July 24, 2007 - 8:07 PMOh Capt. it's so true, I have done that too. gave a large part of myself to a relationship that just wasnt sustainable... it was intense. and wonderful and then OVER, because the expectations were just too great....
when one is poly the other not.... it takes sooooo much more to make it work, and usually, in the end.. that is all you have, an ending....
Bare -
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, July 25, 2007 - 12:04 AMYup I have to echo what folks have said here... with most of the monogamous folks I've dated, we were both kidding ourselves, and eventually that got old.
However, occasionally you'll hear about a very special monogamous person who can really accept a poly person's outside interests. She doesn't sound like one of them Musqrat.
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Sun, December 2, 2007 - 5:30 PMI am in the same position. I can't say that it has worked since the relationship is new. I am curious if you found any ways to make this work since your post in July?
From another post of mine: I am seeing a woman that is trying hard to not get too close to me since I am married and she sees no future in our relationship. Being in between relationships right now she is okay exploring, just not too deeply that she will get hurt by falling in love and wanting me exclusively. She fully understands I am committed to my wife and "the life style", yet she has to hold herself back, which manifests as restrictions to our relationship. Not too much insight into my life. Not too many reminders of my marital status. etc... In this way she can comprehend the situation, live with it, and take value from it. You could say she is trying to fool herself and thinks like your new friend only coming from a different angle, as one of my girlfriends. We continue to talk about this, which she finds is unique in her relationship experience, just as dating a married man. How can we talk about living in ways she has a hard time believing in emotionally? That some people can really love many? That I can care for her and love my wife. Intellectually she understands I am polyamorous. But it is her emotional reaction that doesn't support this concept and wants to keep it superficial. When she finds the man of her dreams, one that will marry her and her alone, she cannot conceive of continuing a relationship with me.
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It is this experience I bring to my friend, a relationship that she sought out but still has trouble accepting emotionally. That I share when asked. I do not try and force it on her or make her feel I expect her to understand just because I say it is so. She will find her own way to deal with it, or not, it is her choice. I do not feel hurtful that she has emotions to the contrary. I have been there. I only hope that someday my experience and our experiences will enrich her life as it has my own. That my loving her and my wife will open her eyes to the possibilities. The rest is up to her and she deserves to be allowed her own process around it.
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Re: Dating a non-poly single person
Wed, December 19, 2007 - 11:40 PMI guess I should follow up about this ... we had one hot make-out session, but she decided she couldn't do it, and we decided to just be friends. Still when we dance it's pretty special, but the rest of the time we keep it platonic. She's probably the most guarded, private person I've ever met - some people put up brick walls, but she lives on a castle on a hill. She's also incredibly self-centered. In short, we're barely friends at all, and not close at all, but it isn't really much to do with mono or poly.
