Summer 2011 - The Mushroom Path & The Rabbit Holes

topic posted Tue, September 13, 2011 - 7:21 PM by  D
It all started a long time ago in a far away land now lost forever in the complex matrix of time and circumstance - or, more simply, it was a different Rabbit Hole. This place was called, Falls Church, Virginia, one of the wealthiest areas of the nation and an inside the beltway suburb of Washington, DC. I grew up and spent the first forty seven years of my life in the area. From the age of nineteen to the age of forty seven, I suffered a whale-shit-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean depression and what I recognize now as a real kind of spiritual death wherein I lived but less than half so, having strangled my own soul to death. In a way for those long twenty eight years I wondered this earth as a kind of ghoul, though no one around me would notice, fortunately or unfortunately. Simply one ghoul among millions in a society that seems perfectly shaped to support we soulless masses.

On 2/25/07 a five gram dose of a psilocybin mushroom strain that I grew myself called, “Creepers”, changed everything for me - that is, changed the inside of me. Decades of psychotherapy of various kinds and the compliant consumption of a myriad of psycho-pharmaceuticals were handily trumped by a four hour mushroom ride. Go Figure? On that day it was very much as though I had arisen from a deep coma and I found myself looking around at my life - even looking around at our home as if for the first time. I conceived of a new life overseas as my feeling about America had even then become so negative and hopeless that I felt a strong urge to escape America, not only to dramatically reduce our cost of living. The ensuing four years finds us in northern New Mexico as my best laid plans quickly dissolved into new plans as my wife became too ill to travel overseas and her prospects of ever being able to travel were dubious.

When we left Virginia I had not yet experienced the “MS” attack that left me disabled but I felt as though we crawled out of their on our knees, exhausted myself and my wife Jana’ very sick. The doctors kept saying, O it will be better next week, type of deal and it was maybe three months out before we realized that it wasn’t going to get better next week, if ever? But now she is healed and our experience here in New Mexico has been about a million times better than my old life - even counting the MS attack! For now I feel as though I am living and I do not miss our old life in the rat race a bit, even the big bucks and the nice things. (I miss Borders Books but they’re dying anyway) But this was a reroute for us and this place is magnificent and would have worked if it had worked. My sense here is mostly of failure but of an enlightening failure, indeed. I realized here that I am not going to “beat” whatever it is that I have and that I must accept and orient myself to a life conducive to my new state - which is not Goat Head Ranch, at least not without help.

Here at Goat Head Ranch I can truly say that I tried. We threw everything we had up against it and here everything we have will stay because we don't even have the strength to take it with us. The only asset I have now is my disability check, a godsend for sure. My wife hates her job and I can no longer even imagine a scenario in which we succeed here. I am ready to leap into the next Rabbit Hole which I’m trying to narrow down now but will be in Central or South America. What I realized on 2/25/07, among so many things, is that all I need to do is live. Just live. I don’t need to save anyone or anything, not even myself. And this is what I now continue to try to do - just live. Soon we will divest ourselves of nearly everything, once again, like a snake shedding its skin. Take our shiny new selves out into this great, big, fascinating world of ours.

Now we will bury our failure here in the ground as you would bury fallen comrades in arms and we will honor our failure and our loss by engaging new adventures in new lands with all the lust we can muster in living. Amen.
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