My husband and I have been married almost 8 years; we've been together exclusively for 12 years.
In the summer of 2006, when we had been married almost seven years, he began a new job and met a girl at work. She's about 13 years younger than us. They became good friends and I was supportive of it, blah, blah, blah. She was married, she and my husband had a lot in common, I didn't think much of it until he began talking about her constantly. I suggested we all get together, but she had never told her husband about her friendship with my husband and it never happened.
Before my husband began his new job and met this girl, our relationship was going great. Even though I was pregnant we were having more and better sex than ever in our relationship. We were having fun together with each other and our then 3-year old son. We took our first family vacation together and life seemed great. I was totally caught off guard when this relationship intensified so quickly.
While I was in the hospital giving birth, this girl texted and phoned my husband constantly. It was only within a couple of hours of my son's birth that she declared her love for my husband and said she couldn't bear being without him for the week he would be at home with me and our sons.
I nearly died. I suffered severe post-partum depression and contemplated suicide on more than one occasion in the months following my son's birth when my husband was telling me about his feelings for this other woman in excruciating detail. There were moments when he said he wasn't sure he still wanted to be married to me or if he still loved me. Sadly, I stuck around, loving him, not wanting to condemn him for having normal feelings, but also being angry with him for getting into the situation even though I know initially he was just trying to make a meaningful connection with another human being.
The last 18 months or so have been hell. I have tried to be patient and loving; I have never told my husband to end his relationship with the other woman. He has been extremely honest with me both about his feelings and his actions. As of this moment, they have not had actual intercourse, although in the last two weeks they did kiss for the first time and she gave him oral sex 5 days ago.
I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't leave him. I understand he wants to feel alive and be connected. The last 9 months or so he has been very into me again. I lost all my baby weight and look pretty good. When he is with me, we are totally together, having fun, better sex than ever, focused on the same goals. We communicate really well, although when I am honest with him, he doesn't always like what I have to say. I've tried to focus on my life and not on his affair, but it has been killing me all the while.
The thing is, while he has been emotionally engaged in a romantic relationship with her, I have been trying to decide whether or not I can allow him to have a physical relationship and he has been waiting for my permission. I finally gave it and now I am freaking out. He really wants me on board with a polyamourous relationship. If I liked her, I think I could get on board with the idea, even though it's nothing I've ever wanted or imagined for myself. I just don't find her physically attractive or likable. I'm kind of a goody-goody, nice, but smart, girl and she's a bit of a brash, loudmouth.
I feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't do it, he will resent me and ultimately that will cause the demise of our relationship, but if I do let him add a physical relationship to their ongoing emotional relationship, that could spell the end of things.
When I first decided it was okay, that our relationship was strong enough to handle this, I was okay and felt a lot of peace; but a week or so into this and all I can think about is when will this be over; when will she go away or when will he decide he wants to be with her and not me. And in doing that I fear I'm pushing him away.
I also have kind of lost all respect for myself. Really...what kind of woman would do this? ugh!
Does anyone have any advice? How can I accept this relationship and just be? How can I stop hurting so much? My husband tells me he loves me and that he doesn't want to leave; he wants to be with me and have a relationship with her. I don't know what she wants. I just feel like she's biding her time to try and steal him although he says she's not like that.
Help!
In the summer of 2006, when we had been married almost seven years, he began a new job and met a girl at work. She's about 13 years younger than us. They became good friends and I was supportive of it, blah, blah, blah. She was married, she and my husband had a lot in common, I didn't think much of it until he began talking about her constantly. I suggested we all get together, but she had never told her husband about her friendship with my husband and it never happened.
Before my husband began his new job and met this girl, our relationship was going great. Even though I was pregnant we were having more and better sex than ever in our relationship. We were having fun together with each other and our then 3-year old son. We took our first family vacation together and life seemed great. I was totally caught off guard when this relationship intensified so quickly.
While I was in the hospital giving birth, this girl texted and phoned my husband constantly. It was only within a couple of hours of my son's birth that she declared her love for my husband and said she couldn't bear being without him for the week he would be at home with me and our sons.
I nearly died. I suffered severe post-partum depression and contemplated suicide on more than one occasion in the months following my son's birth when my husband was telling me about his feelings for this other woman in excruciating detail. There were moments when he said he wasn't sure he still wanted to be married to me or if he still loved me. Sadly, I stuck around, loving him, not wanting to condemn him for having normal feelings, but also being angry with him for getting into the situation even though I know initially he was just trying to make a meaningful connection with another human being.
The last 18 months or so have been hell. I have tried to be patient and loving; I have never told my husband to end his relationship with the other woman. He has been extremely honest with me both about his feelings and his actions. As of this moment, they have not had actual intercourse, although in the last two weeks they did kiss for the first time and she gave him oral sex 5 days ago.
I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't leave him. I understand he wants to feel alive and be connected. The last 9 months or so he has been very into me again. I lost all my baby weight and look pretty good. When he is with me, we are totally together, having fun, better sex than ever, focused on the same goals. We communicate really well, although when I am honest with him, he doesn't always like what I have to say. I've tried to focus on my life and not on his affair, but it has been killing me all the while.
The thing is, while he has been emotionally engaged in a romantic relationship with her, I have been trying to decide whether or not I can allow him to have a physical relationship and he has been waiting for my permission. I finally gave it and now I am freaking out. He really wants me on board with a polyamourous relationship. If I liked her, I think I could get on board with the idea, even though it's nothing I've ever wanted or imagined for myself. I just don't find her physically attractive or likable. I'm kind of a goody-goody, nice, but smart, girl and she's a bit of a brash, loudmouth.
I feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't do it, he will resent me and ultimately that will cause the demise of our relationship, but if I do let him add a physical relationship to their ongoing emotional relationship, that could spell the end of things.
When I first decided it was okay, that our relationship was strong enough to handle this, I was okay and felt a lot of peace; but a week or so into this and all I can think about is when will this be over; when will she go away or when will he decide he wants to be with her and not me. And in doing that I fear I'm pushing him away.
I also have kind of lost all respect for myself. Really...what kind of woman would do this? ugh!
Does anyone have any advice? How can I accept this relationship and just be? How can I stop hurting so much? My husband tells me he loves me and that he doesn't want to leave; he wants to be with me and have a relationship with her. I don't know what she wants. I just feel like she's biding her time to try and steal him although he says she's not like that.
Help!
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Re: Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship
Tue, January 29, 2008 - 4:15 PMFirst Dawn, I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil, it is an extremely difficult thing to do. For my part, having had successful and not so successful poly relationships, I can tell you that the greatest factor for success is communication. This includes you not bearing the pain in private. Now, how you impart that to your partner can be a tenuous affair. For me, I would try to not do it in anger or in a hostile or aggressive manner.
As for the poly dynamic, there is a large contingent of writers out there who will give you all sorts of poly dogma. They will describe the relationships in terms of geometric shapes. The 'V', the triangle, the 'N', the star and so on. In all of these, the most important elements after communication are honesty, respect, trust and honor. It seems like the relationship is an 'N'? Is that right? You've also said that this woman is not honest with her husband about this? This does not seem like she is functionally working with her part of that 'N'. As for your fears with regard to your husband, can it be that you are not telling him of your torment because you do not trust that he will stay with you? So in that sense you as well are not being fully communicative and or honest with him?
The poly relationship that drastically failed in my past, failed mostly because of communication. The hardest thing was to discover that my partner wanted this for me because he felt that he -=should=- want it, but emotionally he didn't. He didn't tell me until it was too late in his own mind and he began to see people behind my back, he lied to me, and then the emotional abuse followed. It was a disaster. Ther best poly relationship I had been in was one where everyone appreciated the unique gifts of the other and we had a mutual respect for all. If this is not the case, and it is not resolved through open and honest [but loving] communication, things will likely spiral down into a pit of despair.
Children certainly make a difference in the dynamic, and I cannot give advice in that, but surely they must be a high priority. As a child of divorce I would only advise that they not be pulled into the potential drama, but that their well-being be considered. But that goes without saying to be sure.
Good luck.
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Re: Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship
Wed, January 30, 2008 - 6:30 AMThis doesn't seem like a poly, it seems like him having a midlife crisis and pretending he doesn't have a family to take care of.
I would personally be tempted to have a discussion with her husband. He certainly should be involved.
I can't say there is good advise, but you hubby needs to stop fooling around. If he really wants a poly relationship he needs to get every one on board, but I seriously doubt she wants anything other than a trophy. He has a new baby and that and you should be his focus.
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Re: Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship
Wed, January 30, 2008 - 8:18 AMMy advice is to find a therapist. At least one for yourself, and possibly one for your marriage.
The stuff you're looking at isn't easy stuff. And they aren't easy changes to make in one's life. They really require a support network to be in place _before_ you start to open the relationship. And a therapist is the easiest and fastest way to provide one's self with a support network.
No matter what you do at this point, you'll be living with those choices for a very long time. So get a support network and make your decisions slowly.
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Re: Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship
Wed, January 30, 2008 - 9:24 AMdawn - So sorry for your troubles.
A few observations:
A new baby often triggers a flee response in a man. It's a sometimes-unconscious fear of responsibility, fear of being tied down to the stability a child requires, etc. The other woman can then represent freedom from that perceived burden.
The other woman in this case is not being honest, so her motives are unclear. This may work for your husband and for her, but it doesn't bode well in terms of creating a healthy ongoing relationship - for anyone. More likely, it's about the heightened erotic energy of doing something taboo.
I disagree with hiding or censoring your hurt and anger. These are very normal feelings....and if your partner is willing to test them, he deserves to experience the truth of them. This isn't a blank check to behave intolerably, but just about giving yourself permission to be human. Nobody can be heroic all the time.
That said, your willingness to consider his happiness is wise and generous. The truth is, no one can control anyone else's life, and it's futile to try. Obviously, you have a child now to consider as well - what's best for that child? Given all the factors, it's utterly normal to go through waves of handling it and being overwhelmed. DO get yourself some support. A sympathetic therapist - one who isn't reactive toward a healthy poly relationship - might be very helpful. I don't know where you live, but they are out there.
Ideally, giving your husband free reign (so long as he fulfills his responsibilities to his family) will allow HIM to grow through this experience and come to clarity. If you can take good care of yourself and let things unfold, you may find that not only have you deepened your capacity to love, but that he comes to appreciate what a rare partner you are. Your influence may even filter through to this woman (who sounds like she has some growing up to do herself.)
There are no guarantees, however. Poly relationships (I speak from experience) are complex, intense dynamics where the difficulties of intimacy are exponentially increased with every person involved. Maintaining basic respect for everyone's humanity (even if they are seriously flawed or misguided) is a hell of a lesson, but a truly fruitful one in sometimes unexpected ways. Let yourself discover what it means for you to be in this situation, and keep _breathing_. Breathing through painful moments can oft-times open them up to reveal rich depths of wisdom and compassion.
I send you my best.
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Re: Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship
Sat, February 9, 2008 - 6:57 PMThank you for sharing of yourself and reaching out for some help..
It sounds that there are many important needs that are not being met by you and/or your husband within your relationship and you are probably wondering how to go about getting them met.
I wonder if your husband knows your thoughts feelings and needs and if he is then able to empathize with your situation without knowing that there is some maintenance work and healing to be done for you. I suspect that your husband is trying some strategies to meet some of his needs, but perhaps his strategies need to be adjusted for establishing an environment for you two to work things through..
I suspect that each of you two are acting way ahead of your consciousness.. perhaps both of you need to slow things down.. or take a time out and start connecting heart to heart..mind to mind.. to empathize with eachother to the point that each of you will know almost exactly what the other is going through and may have a good idea as to what to do together creatively to find strategies to meet eachother's need.
This work towards empathetic connection requires courage to be vulnerable towards fear.. this fear can be minimized if both of you reasure eachother that eachothers needs are important, equal and will be tended for (how you meet those needs can vary, the details on the strategies is what you will need to sort out..later) but for now.. just validating the need of the other by each person is important.
I suspect that if your husband knows that his needs are considered important, he will want to reciprocate and consider your needs with equal value. He may find that his strategies need to be adjusted to meet your needs, if you can help him figure out how to adjust for you, it will help him.
Your feelings are never wrong, just as you see your husbands as human. He should see your feelings are fact of life, he needs to accept them because they are your feelings. I am sure he would not like to be told that his feelings are invalid, so he should reciprocate in kind.
If he is not doing the best job at meeting your needs, then it is very likely that he is not meeting his own and those of your child, and also that other woman. Your silence is not meeting your needs for self expression, for emotional safety, peaceful reasurance of acceptance etc.. so I pray for you that you find the courage to disclore who your are.. with it's beauties and flaws..
No one is perfect in any kind of marriage or spousal arrangement.. but it is in the humaness that we often find the sweetest of love. I wonder if you place yourself secondary to everyone else..in the matter that your emotions disclosures seem not to have a receptive and accepting audience.
The worse that can happen is that your emotions and needs won't be heard or even valued and respected.. but guess what? they aren't being heard already thusly not even respected and valued! Could it be that you need to respect and value yourself enough to reject the thought that you cannot communicate your emotions?
This is my struggle also, I often keep emotions and thoughts to myself, suspecting I will be rebuked and judged. I got tons of work to do in my relationship.. but it first start by working on myself.
I trully relate to you.. I hope some of my thoughts are helpful to you or to others..
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