I'm sure that every member has asked this question as it relates to many things in life but in this case I am asking for feedback regarding the way we can interact in this tribe. In my attempt to act on requests regarding the '...what does an authentic/honest relationship mean...' thread I had set some ground rules. Among them:
1]"...there can be growth in conflict ... conflict if addressed without compassion can create barriers." (i.e. if you have conflict, please communicate with compassion.)
2]"I'd like to create space for those who are willing to turn the mirror on themselves as well as provide advice for others. ... it is important to own one's own statements and the potential effects. I would like to also ask that everyone refrain from (inflammatory words) which are more tools to offend than be constructively critical."
3]"...Refrain from insults or descriptive words that attack the person rather than their actions. "
4]"...Refrain from assessing their actions in a manner that in a round about way is an insult to their person. [e.g.'... you are doing things that an 'evil' person would do.' 'I know your type, you are acting like a predator...'] Rather discuss a specific moment in a manner that would seem less like the blow of a weapon and more the tuning of a lens or angling of a mirror. "
5]"...Recognize your own actions and the negative reprocussions they can create and take responsibility for that; follow with change toward imprvement rather than a process of drawing conclusionns as to why this negative activity is okay in 'x' situation."
6]"...Do not read the above as if it is meant for everyone else in this thread but you. It is meant for you. Own it. Reflect openly on your own actions, even if they seem benign."
I know of at least two people who have left this tribe over the dramatic and confrontational exchange from the previously mentioned thread. I certainly cannot control this but I thought I'd put to the membership the opportunity to provide feedback with regard to agreements in order move through moments like this more effectively. What agreements are effective in your experience?
One more that I've not been able to frame effectively is the limit on size of post. I am not generally a good judge here as some will attest because I am admittedly verbose. I do know that an incredibly long post can make a thread challenging though. Any ideas?
1]"...there can be growth in conflict ... conflict if addressed without compassion can create barriers." (i.e. if you have conflict, please communicate with compassion.)
2]"I'd like to create space for those who are willing to turn the mirror on themselves as well as provide advice for others. ... it is important to own one's own statements and the potential effects. I would like to also ask that everyone refrain from (inflammatory words) which are more tools to offend than be constructively critical."
3]"...Refrain from insults or descriptive words that attack the person rather than their actions. "
4]"...Refrain from assessing their actions in a manner that in a round about way is an insult to their person. [e.g.'... you are doing things that an 'evil' person would do.' 'I know your type, you are acting like a predator...'] Rather discuss a specific moment in a manner that would seem less like the blow of a weapon and more the tuning of a lens or angling of a mirror. "
5]"...Recognize your own actions and the negative reprocussions they can create and take responsibility for that; follow with change toward imprvement rather than a process of drawing conclusionns as to why this negative activity is okay in 'x' situation."
6]"...Do not read the above as if it is meant for everyone else in this thread but you. It is meant for you. Own it. Reflect openly on your own actions, even if they seem benign."
I know of at least two people who have left this tribe over the dramatic and confrontational exchange from the previously mentioned thread. I certainly cannot control this but I thought I'd put to the membership the opportunity to provide feedback with regard to agreements in order move through moments like this more effectively. What agreements are effective in your experience?
One more that I've not been able to frame effectively is the limit on size of post. I am not generally a good judge here as some will attest because I am admittedly verbose. I do know that an incredibly long post can make a thread challenging though. Any ideas?
posted by:
|
Sacramento
|
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 8:15 AMI think you are doing fine. -
-
I think you are doing fine.
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 8:21 AMSure, me too, but I'd like to open the opportunity up for members to add in order to make this something we all agree with.
-
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 12:35 PMHow do I better myself?
By getting rid of shame, guild, embarrasement and fear, and replacing it with compassionate midfulness and beign careful that others don't get tempted to feel that shame, guild, embarrasement and fear when I speak and act.
It's a difficult thing, but every effort has been way worth it for me.
cheers.. -
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 12:46 PMThanks for that good advice, Alex. I think what I am asking though, is how can we make -this- tribe a better environemtn for pro-active work toward become a space for honesty and authenticity? -
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 8:55 PMWe as huamn beings are so full of ourselves. Most of the conflict I have witnessed, and or been party to usually end up being "damage control" so that one party can present the image of the innocent victim, whilest making the other look like Jack the ripper...
I learned some time ago, that we all get our turns as Jack the ripper... No one, none of us is either all evil, or all good...
Our motives and our drives are always in constant conflict with our ego, and the public oppinion. For me when I really had to turn the mirror on myself, and realize that I am not the center of the friggin universe, that in the grand scheme of things my existance only matters to just a handfull... (I realize that reading these words you just don;t feel it like I did when I wrote it>)
Needless to say, afrter nearly 7 years of destroying every relationship I was part of, I finally figured it all out....
I hope that my ramble was at least slightly relavent. -
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 4:28 AMwe are where we are and when talking about improvement...it most often is about how we should bend towards expectations of others.
Start reaching out for better feeling thoughts,
also...make peace with where you are,
.... be a light to yourself, when people need help...support...they can be helped when coming to you ...not by telling them how sad you feel for them...being a light that is open to listen when someone is taking the effort coming to you for support..the be that light who like a torch shines for guidance.
and....ask yourself a question "I want to know what I want"...
There is more...
By the way....Sundays LA time 2pm, Amsterdam 10pm...
I host a radioshow what is all about communication within ourselves and with others
www.ridderradio.com (at the homepage click on the jukebox and then choose one of the 3 Player options, if you like to be also in the chat...ask me for translation to guide you through).
Ciao,
Rob -
-
Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 7:46 AMJosef and Rob,
I may have chosen the wrong title, what I am looking for is ground rules we can all agree on in this tribe. Do you find anything in the above list to be incomplete or missing? Do you have anything else to add? -
-
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 9:45 AMPaulaC - I also think you are doing fine.
Rules only go so far anyway - and to really effective, they have to have enough flexibility that the moment can be encountered on its own terms. What is inappropriate one moment may be the perfect response in the next, because what is up front for each person changes. Dynamics change.
Establishing guidelines is useful to create a reasonably safe container, but you can never guarantee another's safety or their perception of what is safe.
Ultimately, we're all responsible for ourselves, and must live with what we put out and how we receive. Those who can do so need not be afraid of listening or expressing themselves - yet until one does learn personal responsibility, one will always be afraid. So, much as a parent learns to let a child make their own mistakes, you offer your guidelines and let each person handle it in their own way. Not much else you can do unless you want to be responsible for everyone, which isn't even possible, in my opinion.
-
-
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 10:30 AMHi Whether,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I am not sure exactly how my language might be imparting a lack of confidence on how I am doing as I feel fine about it. Thanks just the same.
I agree with pretty much everything you have said but I have been a witness to some great growth through conflict/'process' in some environments that have used some general guidelines in order to keep on the path.
The Foundation for Community Encouragement was one. In it I watched people grapple and struggle but in the end, create a level of cohesion that was promising.
I'd like to create the opportunity to do this here. Rather than reinventing everything about the proverbial wheel in each thread with regard to agreeable interaction, I'd like to make a space for everyone to have some input with regard to how we might do this.\
I agree that rules only go so far. They are merely a shortcut. The primary element I go by is 'spirit of intent' but sometimes conversational norms can mask this. Some people, though the spirit of their intent is noble, only know how to process through conflict. There are others who shut down in this. I'd like to create space for both to be heard and maybe grow to find a middle ground on which to communicate.
Certainly I cannot be the architect of their growth, that comes from within. Maybe though, we as members can create an environment that we all can feel good about discussing and learning from this 'process'. -
-
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 10:31 AMsorry for the delete...it was merely a repeat glitch. -
-
This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 10:00 PMHow do you delete repeat glitches...or "unpost" something you didn't mean to submit, or edit something already posted? -
-
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 10:04 PMWell I can delete them because I am the moderator. In this case I hit submit, and then when the page loaded, post wasn't there. I then reposted it [always copy your post before submitting] and suddenly there were two copies, so I deleted one.
-
-
-
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 3:48 PMGroup trust is an odd thing.
What you do is behave at the highest level of trust you are hoping to achieve and then treat anything which fails to meet that standard as a transient error and most people will automatically work as close to that level as they are personally able. It also works in reverse, which is why trolls can be so destructive. -
-
This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Ground Rules.
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 10:07 PMSwarm: Group trust is an odd thing.
Being new to Tribe, I think this is a good concept to understand. I work with about 40 nurses, therapists, and office assistants, and I find that if I get to know a little about them, I work better with them as a team because I know where they are coming from. For example, I tend to give them a "break" if they are being a little testy because I know they are going through a tough time with their spouse.
Although online communication is so 2-dimensional, if the participants in a tribe know something about each other, it may help "fill in the blanks" when it comes to understanding someone's comments.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Re: How do We Better Ourselves?
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 9:56 PMThanks for this new thread, PaulaC....
Each of your examples from the thread I started in "What does an authentic and honest relationship.....?" are good for trying to establish some ground rules. I would like to address the last one on limiting the size of postings. While I can appreciate the time, effort, and passion of someone who posts a humongous message, it makes it difficult for others to read and then respond to each and every paragraph. It also may seem dismissive to the poster to try and sum it all up in just a few words. Perhaps you could suggest a limit of, say, 300 words per post, then if the poster has more to say, he or she could just post multiple messages within those limits. That way thoughts could be broken up into more digestable "bites" for the reader, and answers could be more complete for that "bite".
BTW...I finally found a picture to use with my tribe handle....hope you recognized me!
