Authentic and Honest Relationships's topics - tribe.net

Marriage?

aschleigh — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:02:40 GMT

it just dawned on me, I am a bit slow sometimes: That people get married everyday. I think the vast majority have the intention of being married for life, they are totally in love and they are completely committed. And 70% of these people get divorced. Often times hating the person they said they would love forever.
It's mind boggling. I know that I was with someone I loved for 1 year and he won't talk to me anymore and it's still amazes me. It amazes me that someone who said they loved me does not what to know me.
Is it that people don't really mean what they say on their wedding day? Or people are not in general aware of what it takes to love someone fully for a long time? Or that people are not supposed to be monogamous? Do people so often have such little awareness of who they are , that they are getting married to gain something that someone else just can't do for them?
How 2 people do that big of a 180 degree turn? From "love" to angry divorce? or is this just being human, the same energy that is in full bloom in love can turn to anger easily? Or do we just change so much from year to year, there is no continual self?
I am thinking of marriages based on love and commitment. Are there other kinds?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 17 replies

Authenticity Over the Internet?

PaulaC — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:36:39 GMT

It seems that many of the social networking sites have allowed many people to 'Rebrand' themselves. We have certainly had frauds since before the spread of the world wide web, but now the inauthenticity can be implemented in many more ways, with photos, blogs, conversations and associations to create a personna or even a branding that can turn a wolf into a mild mannered sheep or vice versa. Many people do not show their identity, they hide in ambiguity or simply never show a true image of themselves, choosing another random person or image that they find through photo mining. The most obvious are labeled 'Trolls', but there are the more subtle as well, those who merely want to entertain by putting another 'hat' as it were or the fearful that do not feel comfortable with their authentic selves.

Given that many of us often intend to show our best parts, how authentic can we be in these social networks?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 41 replies

Differantiation

aschleigh — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:19:24 GMT

I found this on a web-site about relationships, What do you think?

Healthy, vibrant, and passionate relationship with an intimate partner and with our world depends on our ability to self-differentiate and to bring to the relationship the best of ourselves.
Here are the basic principles of differentiation:

• Differentiation involves developing patterns of self-reflection in order to come to see and know ourselves, who we are, who we are not, and what our life is about.

• Differentiation means developing the ability to support and maintain our sense of self without giving in to the various pressures to conform to the way others want us to be, while at the same time being open to honest reflection and feedback from those who are important to us.

• Differentiation means taking personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. The quality and experience of our lives is up to us to determine.

• Differentiation involves the ability to care for and nurture ourselves, to self-soothe, and to regulate our own anxiety. This enables us to relate to others from the best in us rather than from the most wounded or most needy in us.

• Differentiation is learning to control our own reactivity. The degree to which we can be present and non-reactive is the degree to which we can achieve closeness.

• Differentiation is the willingness to tolerate discomfort on behalf of growth. It recognizes our greatest challenges as our greatest opportunities for growth.

• Differentiation involves the capacity to be compassionately present with another as they work out these principles in their own life. Being differentiated means that we can care for, support, and encourage the development of another without feeling any threat to or loss of self.

Differentiation in relationships

At first glance at the principles one might think that differentiation could leave one rather aloof or uninterested in relationship. Actually, the opposite is true. The healthiest relationships are experienced by people who don't need to be in one to feel good about their lives. Only a well differentiated person can connect deeply with another while allowing for the unique expression of what each brings to the relationship. Well differentiated people tend to have a higher capacity to give of themselves, and can set their own needs and agendas aside on behalf of another, if needed, without feeling resentful or keeping score. Because differentiated people don't derive and maintain their sense of identity from the relationship they are free to experience relationship as a naturally evolving process, rather than trying to make the relationship conform to their ideas of what they want it and need it to be.

It's kind of like how the aggressive involvement and control of the United States Government in the Middle East is based upon its dependence upon foreign oil. The more we derive our identity and determine our well-being from how another is functioning in relationship with us the more invested in controlling who that person is and how they act we will be.

This investment and involvement may feel like "closeness" but it is emotional fusion, not love. Love causes us to see, support, and encourage the expression of the unique qualities and interests of our partner and family members without feeling threatened if they go a way that is varied from our own. Through differentiation we can really "see" who our partner is, because we've come to know who we really are. Harmonizing these two selves is a much more loving path than fusing them into one, as romantic as that "one heart and mind" might sound.

Developing Differentiation

It is one thing to understand the principles of differentiation, and another entirely to live in a differentiated way. I would say that developing differentiation is mostly about conscious awareness given to our inner life and the way that we function in the world, and much experimentation and practice around the principles of differentiation in our relationships. The relationships in your life which perturb you the most, and within which you are the most reactive are the one's that will teach you the most about differentiation.

I have found the practice of meditation to be of tremendous value in coming to know and identify one's self. To meditate is to be present with one's experience, even if and especially when that experience includes difficult emotions and states of mind. Also, learning to bring awareness and compassion to bear upon the process of our development is of utmost importance. Moving towards greater differentiation is done with great kindness towards and patience with one's self.

Most of us have difficulty being kind and compassionate with ourselves, and for that reason, practices are given that open our hearts towards our own woundedness and neediness. In differentiating we take responsibility for our own healing and awakening. Heart-centered practices help us to be compassionately present with our inner process, work with difficult emotions, and resolve old business in our lives. Learning to do this results in a growing patience and compassion with others in our lives who struggle with their own issues, and with all beings who suffer and who, just like us, want to be happy.

At the Center for Open Hearted Living I teach the principles of differentiation and the practices that develop it in both individual and couple sessions, as well as in class/group processes. To find out more about classes that are currently underway, click the link class/group process.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 2 replies

to incite conversation

gnomeseer — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:35:49 GMT

"I am for those who believe in loose delights, I share the midnight orgies of young men, I dance with the dancers and drink with the drinkers." --Walt Whitman

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 3 replies

..on emotional honesty..

Alexyana — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:32:41 GMT

how are you emotionally open and emotionally honest? with yourself? with others?

I mean::

--are you aware of feelings, yours and others, just as well as thoughts? How often do you disclose emotions verbally? How often do you inquire about your emotions, and of others?

--can you process emotions just as well as thoughts in your daily activities?

--how much focus do you place to your emotional being, compared to your thinking mind?

--when and how often do you disclose your emotions and feelings? when and how often you disclose your thoughts?

I hypothesize that we are "thought" centric and do not integrate our emotional lives into our consciousness.. that we are almost emotionally blind as we go about our daily lives..

Perhaps the only time we consider our emotions is during poignant situations in our lives, like when we are fighting, or we are connecting well with life.

what do you think?
how do you feel?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 7 replies

A question for the guys on emotions....

PaulaC — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:59:01 GMT

I have been told that men are allowed in this culture, two emotions. Happiness and Anger.

Do you find this to be true or false for 'most' men?

Do you find this to be true or false for yourself?

If true, why do you think it is so?

If false, where do you think people got this fallacious idea?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

Love is a skill, no magic involved

aschleigh — Thu, 29 May 2008 05:11:49 GMT

The Power of Love
Love is the best antidepressant—but many of our ideas about it are wrong. The less love you have, the more depressed you are likely to feel.

Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.

It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.

There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.

Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.

One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.

It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.

* Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
* Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
* Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.

There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.

You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 8 replies

Authentic = Good?

PaulaC — Tue, 27 May 2008 21:17:21 GMT

I assume that everyone agrees with my view that authentic does not necessarily equal good. I have certainly known people who have said that they use others and lie and believe that since they are openly manipulators and liars this is a form of authenticity, but maybe I am wrong in my assumptions.

Do you believe that a person who strives to be authentic, automatically strives to be good?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 19 replies

I'm Rubber and You're Glue. Whatever You Say Bounces Off Me and Sticks to You.

PaulaC — Mon, 26 May 2008 01:21:12 GMT

What we say and what is said to us is naught but sound waves that reach bubbles of lipid bilayers and suddenly have great gravity, they become powerful and sometimes dangerous in our view.

In these cases wherein we react to words through fear or aggression, is this more telling of the speaker or the listener? As I react to the things which I hear or read with the strength of a riled terrier, I have to ask myself why this thing makes me react so. For example, persecution and descrimination is not only in my immediate history, but also runs in my family back generations. Because of this, I tend to pursue the bigot and the illogical fearful reactionary. What I have to ask myself in those moments however, is it really a demon that must be vanquished or is it merely a windmill?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

words

dj_swarm — Mon, 19 May 2008 18:28:52 GMT

be: Words could never describe my whole person, nor yours.

That is not what I said.

Words are your whole person *here.* They aren't a description. They are all we have of you to go on.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 68 replies

ingredient for authenticity and honesty

Alexyana — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:35:06 GMT

“To observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence,” J. Krishuamurti

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 12 replies

Characteristics of a conscious marriage.

aschleigh — Tue, 13 May 2008 00:56:30 GMT

Characteristics of a conscious marriage by Harville Hendricks
1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose-the healing of childhood wounds
2. You creaei a more accurate image of your partner
3. You take responsibilty for communicating your needs
4. You become more intentional in your interactions
5. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as your own
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality ( your shadow)
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe.
10.You accept the difficult of creating a good marriage

Harville Hendricks says about 5% of marriages have these qualities. Now that I know these things I wonder if I would be able to settle for less.
What do you think about these characteristics? Does your marriage have them?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 134 replies

men accepting women's influence...

aschleigh — Tue, 20 May 2008 06:59:44 GMT

# Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
# Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 49 replies

Question......

Vixxen — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 22:41:33 GMT

Okay so I'm not so much into labels and all. But if a woman likes to kiss and make-out
with other women but doesn't necessarily want to participate fully in sexuality with a woman
is she bisexual? I'm just wondering....

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 13 replies

On the a new side of emotionally available?

aschleigh — Mon, 12 May 2008 20:43:46 GMT

I have realized I am just now on the "good" side of emotional availability.
For a very long time , it didn't matter how great the guy was, I couldn't envision settling with one man. I just wasn't ready.

Now I am dating with more availability I can see it from the other side. I am available and it scares people, they way it scared me when someone who I was dating wanted to get serious before. Now amount of cajolling could have made me think any differently, I was unavailable for committed intimacy.
Now I am trying to not take it personally. It's not their time. Like it wasn't my time until recently.
I had to go through 2 painful break ups to learn this lesson. I might need to learn it again.
I see so many people agonize about their relationship not being where they want it. It may be you who is not really emotionally ready for what they want, or it may be them . ( seems like it takes men eons to be ready. My friend says it takes a man about 30 years to start resembling a decent human being. Like responsibility, integrity, faithfullness wise, Women are ready a tad early) I'm 31 and just ready now though.
Anyone making this transition now? Been there, done that with the drama . Happy to be single. Ready for the real thing but having a great life in the meantime?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 1 reply

I am begining to think it's NOT all my fault.

aschleigh — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:53:27 GMT

I started dating this guy. He came on strong, he gave me flowers, and cooked me breakfast , all in the first 2 weeks. And I thought it was great. Then he freaked out, said he was uncomfortable and didn't think we should date.
My usual thing here would be to blame myself. I went too fast ( we both did) . I asked for too much, etc..
And then I stepped back a bit . I liked the attention. I wanted to hang out but I wasn't asking for more than that. I was already feeling blamed for the state of the relationship. I have since backed off.
It is really hard for me to love myself in these situations. I think " Did I do something wrong? " . But I have come to the conclusion that I didn't. Even if I did, it's forgiveable. I think I am getting the hang of this " there is nothing inherently worng with me " . He was prjecting a whole bunch of issues on me, that weren't there in those 2 weeks. It's disapointing, but possible better to know now that he's not there. Not ready to meet me as a human being, beyond our " Issues", I know I have terrible abadonment issues, so I hold too tightly , too soon.
But I am done with him. No holding here.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 4 replies

What is, "In Love."

JoesWorldHomeOfTheBigO — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:25:10 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPrJGtC6bAs

There have been those in the past, who totally consumned me...
They became the pupose, the reason, and I became whatever they asked, at least what I thought that they asked for...
Invented, and re-invented who I was just for them... I found it all to be hollow, and fake. I became everyone else...

Yesterday, I saw a man driving a Caddy Escalde, black.. He was chatting on his cell phone as he drove, and some cheesy rap beat booming from his back tinted windowed urban assault vehicle... I saw just another example of how we just present what we think the world, or the people in want to see....

I bet he'd have been happier to be driving an old beater, listening to the doors on 8 track, but he thinks he has to drive that big black, and listen to that booming crap... tinted windows... they said don't look at me, but the booming said look... so do we look, or do we not???

But... I am rambling...

Anyways, I am now involved with someone with whom I have been brutally honest with... about myself.
No secrets, no hidden things, or feelings.
I find tha the feelings I have for her aren't all consumning, and I do not experience the anxiety of having to ,"Stay in Character", as it were.

It is so easy being just me, why didn't I do this long ago??? where did I learn to be such a pretender?
Was it my (like everyone else) screwed up childhood? or was it the sublimnial message that society, via Mtv, and crap like that that I folloewed the example of?
Maybe a combination of both.

In previous romantic associations, I was trapped by words, and Ideas of "Forever" and always. There are no such delusions now.
Now, it is just for today... and when/if the romance ends, I know that I will still have a damn good friend.

I know that many of you probably already know, and have expericed this, but I am interested in your thoughts and ideas on this.
Thanx.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

I want to have a relatioship with a woman but I don't want you to have one...

Mrs. Elia — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:00:34 GMT

That's what I told my hubby. I love him and he was okay with it. Now, I am wondering if anyone else has ever done this.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

Shifting in relationships? When? How?

aschleigh — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 22:31:35 GMT

I have noticed that I ( and most people ) spent a lot of time looking around for the right things in a person. I wanted him to be smart and funny and considerate . It's common and fine to look for things I want but in a way it's a powerless position in that I was hoping to just walk upon the "Right" combination of things in a person and then have it all work out.
I feel like a shift in me has taken place. Where I know still want those things in my partner, but I feel like the relationship we co-create is much more "under my control". which kind of sounds wrong, control is not the perfect word for it. But I could, can find a person with some of the qualities I am looking for and then together we can make a great relationship work. I have much more power over my actions now. I also don't need to constantly look for someone who is "perfect" for me. Just someone who I love and who is open and willing to do the process of intimacy.
Do you know what I mean? The focus have shifted from finding the right person to being able to give the right stuff ( mutual giving) in a relationship. In essence there is more of me in a relationship, more intention. I still have some things I am looking for, but there are less deal breakers. I feel this is a good shift, especially since just happening upon the perfect man/relationship didn't work .
When or ever did you experience this shift? Is it maturity? Does it happen to all of us? What's the next step?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 1 reply

Forgiveness

PaulaC — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 16:29:23 GMT

As it has come up in another thread I thought I would bring up forgiveness as a general topic for all.

Is forgiveness necessary?

Is a grudge always attached to the absence of forgiveness?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 26 replies

Exactly what does an authentic/honest relationship mean?

HealthNut — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 03:41:51 GMT

I'm new to the tribe and my son says he wants to have an "authentic relationship"
with me. I don't know what that really means and he can't seem to explain
it so that I understand what he is talking about. Being honest and authentic seem
to be straight-forward enough, but it's like we live on different planets.
HealthNut

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 134 replies

How do We Better Ourselves?

PaulaC — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 15:03:58 GMT

I'm sure that every member has asked this question as it relates to many things in life but in this case I am asking for feedback regarding the way we can interact in this tribe. In my attempt to act on requests regarding the '...what does an authentic/honest relationship mean...' thread I had set some ground rules. Among them:

1]"...there can be growth in conflict ... conflict if addressed without compassion can create barriers." (i.e. if you have conflict, please communicate with compassion.)

2]"I'd like to create space for those who are willing to turn the mirror on themselves as well as provide advice for others. ... it is important to own one's own statements and the potential effects. I would like to also ask that everyone refrain from (inflammatory words) which are more tools to offend than be constructively critical."

3]"...Refrain from insults or descriptive words that attack the person rather than their actions. "

4]"...Refrain from assessing their actions in a manner that in a round about way is an insult to their person. [e.g.'... you are doing things that an 'evil' person would do.' 'I know your type, you are acting like a predator...'] Rather discuss a specific moment in a manner that would seem less like the blow of a weapon and more the tuning of a lens or angling of a mirror. "

5]"...Recognize your own actions and the negative reprocussions they can create and take responsibility for that; follow with change toward imprvement rather than a process of drawing conclusionns as to why this negative activity is okay in 'x' situation."

6]"...Do not read the above as if it is meant for everyone else in this thread but you. It is meant for you. Own it. Reflect openly on your own actions, even if they seem benign."

I know of at least two people who have left this tribe over the dramatic and confrontational exchange from the previously mentioned thread. I certainly cannot control this but I thought I'd put to the membership the opportunity to provide feedback with regard to agreements in order move through moments like this more effectively. What agreements are effective in your experience?

One more that I've not been able to frame effectively is the limit on size of post. I am not generally a good judge here as some will attest because I am admittedly verbose. I do know that an incredibly long post can make a thread challenging though. Any ideas?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 16 replies

Knowledge? Compassion? Both?

PaulaC — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:34:15 GMT

I while back, Mark and I went to a party in North Berkeley, we started talking with another couple about environmental issues, the damage, those who are perpetuating it. 'If they only knew what they were doing, how many people they were hurting, and what damage will manifest for so many years in the future...' etc. etc.

I had replied with the thought that knowledge isn't the only thing necessary to create a change for the better. The other necessary ingredient is compassion. Their retort was that with knowledge comes compassion. I don't normally like to mentally pat someone on the head and think of them as naive, but in this case, I couldn't help myself. My general tendencies are to assume that they come from a very sheltered, middle or upper middle class life with no predators.

I am unsure how it is for others, but I have come across many people who are so detached, so jangled, so traumatized that they could care less about the world around them. Give them as much knowledge as you want with regard to the world and potential for damage and/or repair and they will inevitably choose which ever action they deem advantageous in the short term. There are many people in the world who lack compassion and care not for the damage they cause.

But can a compassionate person act without knowledge? Also, is there an inverse relationship between knowledge and compassion? Can a person become less compassionate given the more knowledge they have about the tragedies of the world?

I put it to you. What do you think?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 13 replies

Where do people meet honest to goodness people

trinsic — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:59:15 GMT

I was wondering where people have meet people that felt authentic and honest? I some times meet people like that in school, I even met a great person at a bar one time, but that is rare.

Do you find it less likely to meet people that are genuine when you go about your day?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 8 replies

New relationship to anger...

aschleigh — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 05:36:10 GMT

So I was thinking, when I have been angry at people in the past it was because I didn't get what I want. I didn't get my expectations met and it pissed me off and I blamed the person . I needed the anger to seperate myself from that person and when I felt well seperated I stopped feeling the anger so much. ( and then I could feel the love again, in the case of my mom at least)

So now I am begining to think that when someone is angry with me, it doesn't have that much to do with me. They need it to separate or to not deal with the pain or to blame me for them not getting what they want. Regardless, it isn't me. I didn't DO Anything to them . Their anger is there's.
I am not angry with my ex-boyfriend anymore because I don't need to be. He is angry with me because he needs it still. I heal a bit faster because I do it consciously and I look for the purpose of the anger/pain in my life. I learned so much from this last relationship. Like my standards of honesty and monogamy are totally reasonable.( I tell that to everyone going in) I don't need to be angry he didn't live up to them anymore. And I don't need to need angry with someone just because they are angry with me. And that if someone is angry with me I don't have to beat myself up about it.
And I get to be extra thankfull for people like my mom, who stuck with me through the angry years ( there were many) .
What has made the difference with you and your relationship to anger? How do I go further from here?
posted by:

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 4 replies

Need guidance on being honest regarding open/poly relationship

dawn — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:47:41 GMT

My husband and I have been married almost 8 years; we've been together exclusively for 12 years.

In the summer of 2006, when we had been married almost seven years, he began a new job and met a girl at work. She's about 13 years younger than us. They became good friends and I was supportive of it, blah, blah, blah. She was married, she and my husband had a lot in common, I didn't think much of it until he began talking about her constantly. I suggested we all get together, but she had never told her husband about her friendship with my husband and it never happened.

Before my husband began his new job and met this girl, our relationship was going great. Even though I was pregnant we were having more and better sex than ever in our relationship. We were having fun together with each other and our then 3-year old son. We took our first family vacation together and life seemed great. I was totally caught off guard when this relationship intensified so quickly.

While I was in the hospital giving birth, this girl texted and phoned my husband constantly. It was only within a couple of hours of my son's birth that she declared her love for my husband and said she couldn't bear being without him for the week he would be at home with me and our sons.

I nearly died. I suffered severe post-partum depression and contemplated suicide on more than one occasion in the months following my son's birth when my husband was telling me about his feelings for this other woman in excruciating detail. There were moments when he said he wasn't sure he still wanted to be married to me or if he still loved me. Sadly, I stuck around, loving him, not wanting to condemn him for having normal feelings, but also being angry with him for getting into the situation even though I know initially he was just trying to make a meaningful connection with another human being.

The last 18 months or so have been hell. I have tried to be patient and loving; I have never told my husband to end his relationship with the other woman. He has been extremely honest with me both about his feelings and his actions. As of this moment, they have not had actual intercourse, although in the last two weeks they did kiss for the first time and she gave him oral sex 5 days ago.

I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't leave him. I understand he wants to feel alive and be connected. The last 9 months or so he has been very into me again. I lost all my baby weight and look pretty good. When he is with me, we are totally together, having fun, better sex than ever, focused on the same goals. We communicate really well, although when I am honest with him, he doesn't always like what I have to say. I've tried to focus on my life and not on his affair, but it has been killing me all the while.

The thing is, while he has been emotionally engaged in a romantic relationship with her, I have been trying to decide whether or not I can allow him to have a physical relationship and he has been waiting for my permission. I finally gave it and now I am freaking out. He really wants me on board with a polyamourous relationship. If I liked her, I think I could get on board with the idea, even though it's nothing I've ever wanted or imagined for myself. I just don't find her physically attractive or likable. I'm kind of a goody-goody, nice, but smart, girl and she's a bit of a brash, loudmouth.

I feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't do it, he will resent me and ultimately that will cause the demise of our relationship, but if I do let him add a physical relationship to their ongoing emotional relationship, that could spell the end of things.

When I first decided it was okay, that our relationship was strong enough to handle this, I was okay and felt a lot of peace; but a week or so into this and all I can think about is when will this be over; when will she go away or when will he decide he wants to be with her and not me. And in doing that I fear I'm pushing him away.

I also have kind of lost all respect for myself. Really...what kind of woman would do this? ugh!

Does anyone have any advice? How can I accept this relationship and just be? How can I stop hurting so much? My husband tells me he loves me and that he doesn't want to leave; he wants to be with me and have a relationship with her. I don't know what she wants. I just feel like she's biding her time to try and steal him although he says she's not like that.

Help!

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 5 replies

More relationship stuff I find interesting

aschleigh — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 07:15:34 GMT

Vulnerability is the capacity or susceptibility to being hurt. The word vulnerable is also synonymous with the words openness and exposure. When a person is truly vulnerable there is an unobstructed entrance or view to the persons heart, being and soul. In the strongest or most enlightened person there is no protecting or concealing cover because the person needs none. Such people carry themselves in full view of others because they are not afraid of being hurt, because they are not afraid to suffer.

The most important key to finding love
is found in our willingness
and ability to be vulnerable.

Our ego (separate self) is that very edifice that we have fabricated to protect our hearts. It is the wall that all beings create on this planet to protect themselves from being hurt. We have incarnated onto this planet where all beings have suffered the pain of separation but we are promised salvation. Pain and suffering are Gods way of telling us we are doing something wrong with our life, something inexact with our consciousness. Pain and suffering have a purpose and when we can get in touch with that purpose our path in life tends to straighten itself out. Or at least we can eventually learn which way to go to begin our journey that one day will take us back to the full light of happiness.

One way out of suffering
is to see that it has been given to us
by life's greatest teacher.

Hurt is something our beings naturally feel. Hurt is the appropriate response of the human heart when attacked or misunderstood. When we betray the innocent and vulnerable nature of the pure heart we cause hurt. When we are born we have a great capacity to be hurt. Babies and young children are totally at the mercy of their environment, they are totally vulnerable, but slowly loose this after years of being repeatedly hurt and misunderstood. We slowly loose the vulnerability of being as we erect our ego or mental separate self. When Christ said that we needed to be born again he was referring to the reversing of this process.

When we betray the innocent and vulnerable
nature of the pure heart we cause hurt.
The separate mind is the betrayer of the
universe of heart and true being.

When we are vulnerable we put away the fancy airs we put on and drop our self-image, which is always hoping to look a little better than we actually feel. Any kind of spiritual self-image automatically blocks our vulnerability thus cutting off the heart and blocking us from the very thing that we want - love. When we do expose ourselves we become psychologically naked. This only happens when our defenses are down, when we are not worried that others will attack or judge us. Then we can be just who we are. But this is difficult because that is exactly what happens when we just are. People want us to be or feel or think something different. The paradox of vulnerability is that, though we can only be vulnerable when we are not worried that others will judge us, being vulnerable means openness to such an attack. In human relations no situation is completely safe when it comes to our vulnerabilities. In the beginning, when we first learn to open ourselves, it is prudent to pick the most gentle and caring people we can find to open our hearts with.

Christ's instructions for being born again were clear.
What he was talking about was that childlike quality of pure vulnerability.
This is the space of pure being.

That is why it takes courage and strength to be our naked vulnerable self. The path of vulnerability is for the strongest and it is for the most humble; those who remain closest to the ground because they are not secretly hoping to look a little better than they are. Humble vulnerable people do not walk around with a self image to protect, they feel what they feel and they share what they feel without shame. As we become more and more practiced in our vulnerability, our hearts expand and grow. The heart can grow so large and strong that eventually it cannot be hurt too badly. That is the strongest person, totally open to whatever comes. This is actually the ego less space, having no expectations and laying no demands on the universe. We open ourselves without fear and take whatever comes.

"To treasure vulnerable love is the first law of a pure heart."--Christopher Hills

After many years or incarnations of being closed in the heart, being vulnerable to other human beings can be terrifying. When we fall in love the first thing we do is open our heart, exposing our sensitivities, vulnerabilities; giving power to someone to wound or reject us with their insensitivity's or selfishness. This is why so many people are afraid to fall in love. In any situation, until the heart is used to being open, vulnerability initially feels like our heart is going to come right up through our throats.

When we first open the heart a river of feelings is released which swamps the mind and it's habitual defenses. We feel overwhelmed because our usual cool control is lost. The coolness of the separate personality is swept away as familiar ground moves from under our feet. Though most fear this moment, it is such a release, such a lightening of our load. Our real self is freed from the iron grip our ego normally holds over heart consciousness. Most egos are so rooted in their separateness that nothing short of the full fires of romance will due to reduce oneself to the vulnerable self. And then we usually make ourselves vulnerable to the one and only person who we have dared to fall in love with still excluding others; this thus makes our vulnerability slightly incomplete.

The head never really allows the heart to love.
Our fear of pain is stronger than our love of love.

We cannot begin to flow towards another person or towards our own higher or inner being until the psychic skin covering the heart is removed. The risk is great when we open because once we enter that vulnerable space, our head and it's games disappear. We lose our ego's protection, that hateful sense of separation is released and we feel that good feeling flowing. We crave that feeling of aliveness that comes from opening up. We feel safe once we are in this space. A welling up feeling fills our insides, a warmth and sense of caring or being cared for.

The pure in heart treasure vulnerability above all vibrations. A person tuned to love cherishes this space because he or she knows intuitively that this is what is most needed in human relations.

The purest heart has no mind.
The pure in heart is all heart.

The gift of vulnerable love far transcends the mental sharing of spiritual concepts and stories, no matter how profound they are. The head normally can't wait to advise. The heart, when listening to the inner world of another, listens, listens more, asks questions that draw a person out further, and thus shows a loving interest in the inner world of the other. Such a heart actually has the ability to get into the inner world of another because the heart feels and experiences no separation. When listening perfectly to the being of another, our being has the capacity to commune, to be at-one-with that other. The reunion of beings beyond the normal separate space of ego consciousness is a very beautiful thing when it happens.

My tears flow.
My being opens totally.

Vulnerability should not be confused with mental openness. It is very possible that someone could share the most intimate details of their life and still not be vulnerable. The difference lies in the vibration. Often in the beginning of relationships, people find it easier to be vulnerable about hurts and pains from the past, when in fact their real vulnerability has something more to do with feelings being generated in the moment. Expressing love or sexual attractions is often the most vulnerable issue at hand. Expressing these feelings leaves us exposed to others. When we share these feelings our relationships are quickly taken to deep and often intimate levels. And in these spaces, though we may suffer, we grow.

The purpose of our life here on this earth is to contact our being,
expand and grow our being by coming into a direct relationship with
the essence of our heart's true nature. And what is this true nature?
The heart is the vulnerability of being.

The most fascinating aspect of the Internet and digital communication is that people feel a lot more free to be vulnerable. They let their hair down and are more willing to be who and what they are or want to be. People are more willing to open up their dark secrets and confide in complete strangers. Though in fact few people are using their Internet connection as a spiritual tool for open hearted sharing, a growing network of therapists are beginning a great work of helping people heal from mental and emotional traumas that are so prevalent in human existence. They are finding it an incredible tool in assisting people open up and share what they are really thinking and feeling. This is something most people have an incredible difficulty with in open society and even with our friends communication is rarely taken onto the vulnerable level.

Mark Sircus Ac., OMD : an American living in Brazil, a doctor of Oriental and Biogenic medicine, a revolutionary and radical psychologist, as well as a body worker. Visit his site World Psychology which opens up a vast new framework with which to view ourselves, our lives, lovers, friends, children, work, education, medicine, ecology, sexuality - taking us in a modern way to the roots of our existence.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

Healthy Love?

aschleigh — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 03:16:12 GMT

I thought of something , "My Love does not serve us, if it allows self destructive , self- sabotaging behaviours to flourish.".
What do you think? Sometimes I want to love no matter what, with all my heart, unconditionally. But what if my love doesn't serve if it allows bad behavior. It doesn't serve me to allow destructive behavior from someone into my life, it also doesn't serve them to tolerate their self-destructive behavior. That kind of "love" diminishes me and diminishes relationships. Real Love cultivates healthy behavior. It "rewards" healthy, life-affirming behavior so to speak.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 4 replies

Please come and join the new Poly-Couplery tribe!

69 — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 00:44:16 GMT

Hey folks, I just created a tribe called Poly-Couplery. It's for people like me and my boyfriend who are poly and consciously trying to date, fall in love, and overall be connected to other poly people....but as a couple. We'd LOVE for you to be part of this tribe! Yay!
tribes.tribe.net/polycouplery

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 3 replies

sugestions for closure ritual...

tigergypsy — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:00:14 GMT

i recently had a break up full of bittersweet heartache and would love to have a closing ritual...i have never done one before...Any sugestions on themes,movements or specifics would be appreciated....gratitude...stephen

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 2 replies

this is the theme of my life right now...

nonamae_agape — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 23:58:42 GMT

with much reluctance i've admitted to myself that i'm not living an authentic and honest relationship. and not just with my partner...but with myself and everyone around me.

i'm coming out of yet another cycle of foggyness to find that i've been missing...me...the raw me. and this has affected all relationships as you can imagine.

my partner has been trying to be patient with me and hit a point where it was too much. we talked and laid out steps to take...but i keep feeling resistance to fully participating. i know it comes from fear, pain, and no knowing how to forgive and let go of the past. i'm being completely honest with him and have committed to being authentic.

the problem is that i feel like i have this fragile heart with thin pink skin. and that when i expose it i'm either elated or i'm hurt by the smallest things. i'm in the process of delving into the why's behind this, but i wondered what this tribe of people would have to offer up. what are your experiences with not taking things personally while you're attempting to live raw and authentic in a partnership?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 3 replies

"knowledge, i.e. being able to do something"

PaulaC — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:09:08 GMT

It is my understanding that knowledge as an acquaintance or understanding of facts, principles or truths.

I think that you may be crossing knowledge with acuity, ability and motivation. The Maturationist perspective lends itself to the nature end of the nature nurture continuum [genetic knowledge inherent, waiting to be unlocked] and was a good theory before the Dynamic Systems Approach. This approach illustrated that with morphology, aptitude for learning, and particular environment, we narrow our field of potential outcomes. [both nature -=and=- nurture] It looks as if we all inherently 'know' some things, but when you eliminate certain aspects of the environment or morphology you find different outcomes.

Feeding 'knowledge' such as breast feeding, is a hard wired reflex response. Stimulate an infant's lips and or cheek and it will turn to feed, no matter what the stimulus is. During the reflexive stage for this, one could do so with an extension cord and the infant will still turn. As for learning language, again that falls into acuity and ability more than knowing. Sadly, many times over, fundamental social skills are proven to be a learned skill, even in the simple ability to be held by a parent. Neglected infants do not know how to react in being held, they strain away, give no eye contact, and do not react to cues.

There are 'defensive' reflexes, but many are not involving the brain at all. Many defensive responses [e.g. pain recoil or the ubiquitous knee tap one receives from the doctor] are part of a reflex arc. A circuit of nerves that go out and back to the spine for a motoric reaction. The brain is only involved for notation of sensation and inhibitory action potentials if the individual wishes to consciously override the reflex.

Infants are fantastic scientists, they test and test over and over, they do things we only now realize are ways of learning about their own body and environment. For example, an infant may at one point begin to bend its elbow and put its fist in its mouth, this is not only about learning how its hand tastes, but also the distance and proportion of its arm. When you see a baby 'cruise' or learn to walk by reaching out for things, it isn't merly trying to get a mechanical advantage, but rather training itself to have a proprioceptive sense of balance with understanding pressure sensations in skin, muscles, and joints, these are all learned skills happening under our noses.

An infant wants stimulus, the want seems to be inherent.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 4 replies

Delivery of honesty and authenticity.

PaulaC — Tue, 22 May 2007 15:56:48 GMT

I have known people who have a manner of honesty that is rather harsh. They use abusive language and state that they are merely being honest. I try to keep from injuring a person when I try to speak honestly. Though sometimes it isn't avoidable. How about you? Do you know people like this? Do you try to consider the feelings of the other person when you discuss things? How many harsh honest people do you know?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 5 replies

Removed: JESUS CHRIST+JESU KRISTE+YESHUA HAMASHIACH+JESU...

PaulaC — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 20:50:25 GMT

I had removed the above topic as it seemed to be more a monologue than dialogue. I had sent a message as to the reasons. It is as follows:

"RE: Authentic and Honest Relationships Tribe post

Hello
I wanted to let you know that I have deleted your post in Authentic and Honest Realtionships. If you would like to engage in a dialogue regarding what you have posted, please frame the post to allow such. Also, having zero 'friends' causes many to be cautious about your intent. However it is understandible if you have just started out and thus have meade no connections yet, you may want to reach out to others who share things in common with you in order to create connections. Tribe is a social network and the Authentic and Honest Relationships Tribe is meant for inter-relating rather than merely having a pulpit on which to speak. If you would like to remain a member of that tribe, please interact with those memebers and create a more co-municative relationship."

If anyone has any objections as to the manner in which I had communicated the intent of the Tribe or the reason I deleted the topic, please let me know.

Thanks.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 3 replies

Seeking queer triads for research!

sunny — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 22:15:30 GMT

My name is Sunny. I am a graduate student in the Sexuality Studies program at San Francisco State University. I am conducting research on polyamory. The aim of my study is to explore how individuals in queer polyamorous triads discuss love in their relationships. I am in search of individuals in queer, long-term (one year or longer), polyamorous triads to interview. Individuals must identify themselves and their relationships as queer, and the triads must be three people who are all sexually and romantically involved with one another.

Participating in this study will entail a 45-90 minute one-on-one interview at a comfortable and private location convenient for both of us to discuss your experiences and feelings of love while in a triad.

If you are currently in a queer, long-term (one year or longer), triad relationship and are interested in participating in the study, please contact me!

smnordmarken@yahoo.com
(415) 516-0908

I am currently seeking people to interview! Please contact me as soon as possible if you would like to participate.

Thank you!
Sunny

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

When friends & exes collide

marleyjansen — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 20:31:32 GMT

My ex & I have mutual friends that invite us respectively to come out for social gatherings from time to time, but the last two times we've been in proximity to each other she was so hostile and weird that everyone was made uncomfortable.

I don't want my friends to have to deal with that and I don't want them to have to decide which of us to invite to different events.

Although I'm glad the unhealthy relationship we had ended there was never any real closure as she just cut off all communication, so I've just been getting closure on my own end. I've been very much enjoying being single again, but even in her new relationship, it feels like she's holding onto some gnarly energy regarding me and just won't let things be cool.

I don't want to feel like I can't hang out with my friends when she's going to be around.

Should I just ignore her funk, let our friends deal with her vibes on their own and not be concerned?

I left her a message to convey my concern over our friends being put in this awkward position and that I'm open to hearing her suggestions but I'm certain she won't respond.

Any suggestions here?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 13 replies

Adult Dating Sites Threatened

PaulaC — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:38:15 GMT

Pardon me for taking moderator's perogative on this, it is not an activity that I partake in, but adult social networking sites are in serious threat, this is a freedome of speech issue:

Originally From the Gay and Lesbian Task Force Website: http://www.thetaskforce.org/activist_center/say_no_to_section_2257

The federal government is proposing regulations that would effectively kill adult social-networking sites. This is being done under the guise of fighting child pornography. You have until September 10 to object to these regulations. It’s easy to do and essential. A sample e-mail comment is at the bottom of this page. Please forward this information to your friends!

What’s the Deal?
The Department of Justice is proposing regulations to implement a federal law designed to combat child pornography, known as Section 2257. The law was first enacted in 1998 and was amended in 2006 and significantly expanded to include regulation of the Internet.

While many of the regulations pertain to companies that produce adult entertainment magazines and videos (and are extremely burdensome), they would also affect anyone who uses an adult social-networking site. Here’s how:

The regulations would require the people running a site to get and maintain personal information from every user (that means you) who posts a “sexually explicit” photo, including your photo ID (driver’s license, passport, or military ID).
The regulations would allow the Attorney General to conduct warrantless searches at will on the sites’ records, including your personal information.

There are few safeguards over what the FBI can do with the information it obtains.

If a site operator fails to comply with the regulations, he or she would face a prison sentence of up to 5 years.

For more detailed information on Sec. 2257, go to http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/misc/2257_fact_sheet.pdf.

Obviously, none of this has anything to do with child pornography. Instead, it is a blatant attempt to end the ability of consenting adults to use adult social-networking sites to meet other people for sex. Obviously, if these regulations go into effect, they will kill this industry.

What You Can Do
The Department of Justice has published these proposed regulations and the public has until September 10 to comment on them.

We need to generate thousands of comments objecting to the proposed regulations – and it’s easy to do via e-mail. Just follow the instructions below.

Why We’re Involved
The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Inc. is involved in this fight because we believe sexual freedom is a fundamental human right and we don’t think the government has any place in relations between consenting adults. These regulations are part of our government’s hypocritical and punitive views about sex, sexuality, and reproductive rights. All of this – from abstinence-only sex education programs to the elimination of funding for accurate and explicit HIV prevention programs – fall hardest on gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

For more information about the organizing, advocacy, and public education work of the Task Force, visit www.thetaskforce.org.

Take Action Now
Here is a sample letter with the e-mail address you need to send it to (Admin.ceos@usdoj.gov) and the subject you must include in the subject line of your e-mail (Section 2257 Docket No. CRM 104).

Sample Letter
To: Admin.ceos@usdoj.gov
Re: Section 2257 Docket No. CRM 104

To the U.S. Department of Justice:

I am writing to object to the proposed “Section 2257” regulations.

These regulations are complicated and burdensome on legitimate businesses, and have very little to do with protecting children and minors from pornography. Their reach — particularly into adult social-networking internet services — is overbroad, unnecessary, and would allow the federal government to search and seize personal records of adult consumers without a warrant; a clear violation privacy and constitutional rights.

Specifically, I object to the following provisions:

1. The regulations (18 § 2257(b)(1) and (c)) would force adult social-networking services to obtain and maintain personal information about their users, including the user's photo ID (driver’s license, passport, or military ID). (I must note that the sites already require users to affirm that they are over 18 years of age.) Many sites have tens of thousands of users and it is simply not possible for them to do this. Moreover, many people who use these sites want to maintain their privacy, for any number of reasons, including the sad fact that they might face discrimination and/or violence if others found out they were using these sites. It is still legal in 31 states to discriminate against someone who is gay or bisexual, and in 41 states if the person is transgender. The combination of the recordkeeping requirements and many users’ fears about providing such information will kill the entire industry.

All of this is overkill given that adult social networking sites were not identified as a problem in the production, distribution and downloading of child pornography in the Department of Justice’s own report on “Child Pornography on the Internet” (May 2006).

2. The regulations (18 § 2257(g) and under 28 C.F.R. § 75.5) would allow the Attorney General to conduct unannounced warrantless searches at will on the sites’ records, including reviewing and presumably seizing the personal information on site users. This is an egregious abuse of government authority, an unwarranted invasion of privacy and, in my opinion, a violation of the Fourth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

3. The regulations (28 C.F.R. § 75.5(4)) provide insufficient safeguards over what the government can do with the information it obtains through its searches. This, by itself, has a chilling effect on the ability of people to engage in constitutionally protected activities. As noted above, this is particularly dangerous for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Let me be clear: I believe children need to be protected from coercion into pornography and it is important for the federal government to do all that it can to insure those protections. Sadly, many of the provisions of the proposed 2257 regulations do nothing to address child pornography, but instead are clearly aiming at destroying an industry and ending a legal and valuable way for adults to meet one another.

Sincerely, (your name)

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

Am I Mad, or just a Magnet for the Mad?

marleyjansen — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 08:25:34 GMT

I had this amazing night with a new interest last Sat. and we made plans for Monday. I was so high as the days and hours closed in as I thought with much gratitude for all the possibilities and new explorations that lay before us.

But then she flaked without a call or even an email! She seemed so genuinely interested in me and making those plans with me, so it didn't occur to me why she could have any second thoughts. I called every couple hours after we were supposed to meet to see if I might catch her and left a voicemail to let her know that I was concerned and wanted to know what had happened. You know how it is, cell phones go out of signal range, get lost, accidents happen... you just want to know what's up.

Two more days go by without a word from her. When I called her tonight after seeing she had deleted me from her friends list on MySpace I was surprised that she actually answered. I asked her what was going on and rather than explain why she flaked she just said she was freaking out that I had left several messages for her!?

Naturally that seemed totally unfair because really, who should be freaking out here anyway? I mean everything seemed totally cool and suddenly she's flaking out without any apparent rhyme or reason. I told her I've been around the block enough to be able to handle whatever her truth is and that it would hurt my feelings much more to not explain. I asked her if she could put herself in my shoes and relate. But she only hung up on me and that was that.

This is actually the 2nd time in the last week where a woman has shown interest in me and then completely reversed her stance for no apparent reason, without explanation, and then treat me like I'm crazy just for asking what's up.

So I have to ask, does anyone have an idea what's up with that?

Does anyone have a little trouble not feeling some degree of concern, disappointment, frustration and confusion when things like this happen to them?

Yes, I can think to myself that theoretically this is just the way the Universe may be protecting me from getting involved with the wrong types.
...In talking with my housemate tonight we laughingly agreed that I just attract people whether they're good for me or not, and I just have to learn to assert my boundaries and say "No thank you". But it's hard to deflect the dark ones when they're so damn hot and coming on strong ;)

Any tips on how I can start attracting women into my life who are healthy in both body & mind?

I'm in that horrible place of doubt where I'm feeling like either something's wrong with me or that I'm just a Nut-Magnet.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

Intimacy and Pain

aschleigh — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 05:00:27 GMT

" It is easier to go without love than to accept a form of love that reawakens our fear of loss. In Fact , to receive love feels far more dangerous than to be with out it. " Harville Hendricks

Harville Hendricks has this theory that it is hard for us to receive love. We fall in love, achieve a level of intimacy and it reawakens a part of us that was dorment. A part of us that has we have self-rejected. We fear ourselves. We fear this reawakened self. So we do all sorts of things to minimize, run away, not feel this love that is dangerous. Love changes us, Love asks something from us, love transforms us. And it is scary to let go and let love do what it will with us. The Unknown is scarier for some that others. Couples are always pushing up against and retreating from an invisable wall of comfortable intimacy. Some get closer, others stay farther away. A lot has to do with how much intimacy was in our first families . And how much self intimacy, self love we have. Then if people get close it's ok, because we love even the not so pleasent parts of ourselves.
Anybody read Anything by Harville Hendricks? What do you think of this theory ( his rephrased by me) ?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 1 reply

Ok time to put the vibes out there

trinsic — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 04:47:24 GMT

Hi everyone I am new to this tribe.
So I am at a point in my life that I no longer fear the idea being thought of as a person that is looking for a honest sincere relationship with an adult women. I have a hard time meeting spiritually aware girls here In Santa Rosa, CA. and thought it would be great to just say that It would be really special and cool to meet someone from tribe that was fairly close to me who is also looking for a guy that is in the same boat.

I have allot of things going for me: im very creative, open, honest, a bit of a bad boy, have a life, I enjoy trying new things, I'm very balanced in my yang/yin energy, I really feel my best when I am around a good woman because of the female energy seems geared toward supporting creativity.
Id like to offer my self as someone that doesn't loose balance when things get emotional, but i am very capable of expressing my feelings when the time is right. I am also great cook, and love to talk about deep topics. I love movies and most especially I like giving to people just out of a need to give, and I don't usually react to ego centric behavior.

If this perks your curiosity, I love to hear from you.

Scott.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

How do we asses authenticity, honesty, sincerity?

Kryssa — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 05:58:26 GMT

Some of us seem to come from a place of purely emotional authenticity, and our actions are dictated by how we *feel* from one unreliable moment to the next.
Some of us seem to come from a place of insight, or with the ability to perform a speedy meta-analysis of everything that's occurred in the past that relates to the present, and base our behaviors on what we foresee the most likely outcome to be.
Some of us seem to come from a place of internal judgment, where we've already rigorously interrogated every nuance of our situation and have determined what is RIGHT based on our own faith driven ego- or ego driven faith.
And then some of us seem to come from a place of external judgment, where we've already rigorously interrogated every nuance of the situation as perceived by the 'other' and determine what is WRONG based on our own faith driven ego- or ego driven faith.

Given this, how do we determine what is authentic? Honest? Sincere?

(I ask this because I've been going through a bit of an existential quandary and have concluded (for now) that whatever it is *I feel* or *I think* is virtually meaningless. What actually seems to matter is HOW I treat them, not the impetus behind my behavior).

-K

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 9 replies

Introductions

PaulaC — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 07:06:28 GMT

Hello everyone. I thought I might introduce myself. My name is Paula and I have been selected as a moderator for this tribe. To be open as well as honest, it was a surprise to me, but I am happy to take on the responsibility.

For what it's worth I do strive for authenticity and honesty in my actions in life, but am imperfect as we all are. I really have no understanding of the tenor of this tribe and was wondering if maybe you all wouldn't mind introducing yourselves or maybe giving me a synop of your understanding of this tribe, as sometimes the tribe description might leave something out.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 30 replies

Deida, Polarity Anyone?

David — Tue, 29 May 2007 09:13:18 GMT

OK, I am new to this tribe thing altogether. I tried this group - er tribe as my very first group - ok, tribe?. Anyway, I Love relationship stuff so this seemed a good starting place for me. I don't know how to "read" the lay of the land here yet. I saw there was a long intro post started in January so I thought I would start this one fresh. And besides, I am really wanting to know if there are any others interested in the polarity of relationship here like Deida talks about?

I have been involved in personal development and spiritual growth for so long ... I have stared at my own belly button long enough to be sick of looking at the lint already. ;-) So I appreciate a little self effacing humor and I enjoy new perspectives.

I don't understand the tribe terms of "authentic" and "honest"? Well of course I do but there is a part of me that is still a little nervous like are we going to be looking at both men and women being present and open to genuine love? (Or same sex couples as polarity is about masculine and feminine and not necessarily about a man and a woman). Or are we only looking at honest and authentic which might actually be a subtle but pernicious form of (gulp) make bashing? Gee I sure hope not.

I love having the (Deida) three stages to help frame relationships (ask me if you are curious). And I Love having a framework of the masculine and the feminine aspects of what I call God - use your own term for the creator/universe as you feel comfortable.

For me personally I Can't imagine a present and loving relationship without acknowledging spirit and deeper meaning to the open heart and growth. Rumi and many of the great mystical poets used love and lover relationships as a metaphor for the divine relationship. So here I am, testing the waters as a newbie and wondering if anyone here shares any of my enthusiasm for the polarity of real relationship. I would certainly call any real relationship one including honesty and authenticity. I would also add compassion, surrender, love, presence and a genuine desire to open the heart of the other along their chosen spiritual walk. And vice verse of course.

But hey, that is me.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 47 replies

A damaged soul from Singapore.

Sat Nam — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 09:36:57 GMT

My life has been so blocked now that I do not know where to start writing. I am very glad to come across cord cutting on this portal for I have zero knowledge on spiritual stuff, though I have been living with a partner who is doing spiritual work.

I have been a free thinker all these years till I met my partner who is doing spiritual work like reiki and angel card readings. Things has been going bad for I do not what is it about her that I feel so insecure and untrusting. I just feel that she is so secretive about her every movements. I just cannot trust her in contacting and having a close relationship with her male clients. Recently, I began to realise that she is lying to me. I had a tarot card readings about a month ago and the reader told me that my partner is cheating or going to cheat on me! I was close to tears during the reading and the reader told me, the relationship will most likely end in three months. She told me that if I stay in the relationship, I will have to endure for my partner will not change.

Since then, my partner has been trying to break up whenever we argue.Not only she states our differences, she claims that my negative energies are blocking all her opportunities at work and causing her loss of clients. I was really heart broken and confused when she said these to me. Why is it me who affect her with my negative energies when I myself are suffering in the relationship (such as losing concentration at work, losing weight and appetite etc) and is more and material needs so much more important than the person she loves?

Till two weeks ago, I gave in all ways to try and make her happy. Things started to change. She began having interviews from newspapers and she begins to have a steady flow of clients. I feel that she is somehow using my positive energies? Because deep inside she does not love me anymore and wishes to break up, why is she still holding onto me? Is there such thing as making use of my positive energies now to draw these clients to her?

Till now, she is still wanting to break up every other day.She continues to have opportunities knocking on her doors while I am still suffering from hurt deep inside from her constant requests for break ups.

Can a psychic do this to me? Will this bring karma to her? I really really love her but somehow I just do not feel good about this relationship and I really wish to cut whatever cords that are making me so upset and depressed every day.

I am in need of help and thus reposting in other tribes.

Thanks to all for readings this long post.

Jude.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 6 replies

Warnings about toxic people

Tony — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 20:38:09 GMT

So, a friend of mine recently started dating a toxic person from my past.
After this person and I finally parted ways there were tons of people who revealed they had been waiting for something like that. Her standard M.O.
I can't figure out whether I should warm my friend or not........

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 15 replies

Sharing Belief and Perspective.

PaulaC — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 06:03:40 GMT

I just wanted to state that as the moderator, I do not want to promote conformity to any one dogma over another ...oh except for honesty and authenticity. :)

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

New live chat room for our non profit to be

Elizabeth — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 01:58:20 GMT

Hey there, just wanted to drop another note about our tribe at http://tribes.tribe.net/alchemicalnurserycommune

This is a discussion forum we set up a couple months ago for a long term goal and vision we have for a wholly sustainable urban style eco commune and healing arts center/ nature conservancy. There's a whole lot to the vision, and a whole lot more to the process of planning, networking, and finding just the right people to hop on board and help make it happen...

Maybe you are one of those people!

Come check us out! We have just set up a chat room which we will be using for our board of directors meetings online, and the non profit website can be found at: www.luminist.org/alchemicalnursery

Love and light
Liz

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

Ideas for Contemporary Morality Story/Fine Art Photo Shoot

archetypalimage — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 23:03:16 GMT

I need your help - your brainstormed ideas . . .

I am starting to organize a story that is a morality play or sorts for my 6 year old Godson, whom I coparent. It will include a yound man setting off in the world and encountering archetypal beings and situations that engage him and end up teaching him somthing essential about living a fulfilling life. the main character will be discussing these situations and beings with a wise person from time to time. I am an artist. You can see some of my work on my profile pics. I will be doing a photo shoot (B&W infrareds) for every chapter in the story. I will be compiling the story and images into a small, hand bound book. I'l make about 100 editions of the book.

What I need help on is the story:
* What do you think the most important things are to learn and integrate to live a fulfilling life?
* What are the best ways to deal with disapointment and loss, with death?
* What are the most essential archetypal situations that teach us the most about living a fulfilling life?
* What archetypal characters teach us the most about living a connected, passionate, and loving life?
* What situations would you create to teach the main Character the foundations of a connected, passionate, and loving life?

Any ideas will be most appreciated.

~ Daniel

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 1 reply

Honest relationships, dealing with childhood wounds

aschleigh — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 00:09:04 GMT

There is this web-site I like that basically says , You cannot have real intimacy with a person who hasn't self-reflected on their own wounds and conditioning in childhood. We all have wounds from childhood, all families have some dysfunction. Our parents were parented by less than perfect parents and they parented us less than perfectly. But even if our parents were great, we live in a largely unconscious society, so eventually we had to go out into society and that's where some of our wounds come from too.
What do you think? I have tried to have intimacy with people who were doing all they could to run away from themselves. Weather it was drugs, alcohol, anger, co-dependency, video games, etc.. they were avoiding being with themselves every moment of their lives . I also wonder if I attract these people becuase I am avoiding something within myself, and hopefully the more time I spent dealing with me and healing my wounds, the less I will attract this kind of energy into my life.
www.joy2meu.com/Siteindex.htm , here is the web-site . It's really interesting.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 10 replies

RE: Dating or being single? Be positive and you will win your love!

PaulaC — Fri, 18 May 2007 07:40:30 GMT

Funny isn't it? Right after posting the policy of no ads in the 'topics' area, someon posts an ad.

:T

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 8 replies

Once more -=please post no ads=-

PaulaC — Sun, 20 May 2007 15:27:13 GMT

Thought I'd make the topic more clear, skip the topic if you understand the 'listings' and 'events' sections are the place for anything that is not about conversational topics.

FWIW, this is the last PM I sent off to someone who has posted. Let me know if you do not agree. Sorry to repeat, I've just deleted a lot of topics as of late.

"Hi [deleted],
You may not be aware, but we have been having an issue as of late with listings winding up in our topics section, it has infused the Authentic and Honest Realtionships Tribe with unidirectional communication and my hope [and I gather, that of others] is that this communication be more dynamic.

With respect to this feeling, I have deleted your post, though not because it is not related to the tribe, rather the announcement seems more appropriate in 'listings' rather than topics. I encourage you to check the 'listing' tab and re-post there.

You are also welcome to become active in conversation in our tribe as we have many members who are inspired by authenticity and honesty.

Thanks.

PaulaC"

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

Feedback? For the sake of community.

PaulaC — Thu, 10 May 2007 16:03:10 GMT

I just wanted to get a little feedback regarding the maintenance of this tribe.

I've been deleting anything in topics that is more an event or a listing. If it isn't conducive to conversation related to the general theme of the tribe.

I actually still have to reply to one person's PM related to a post she left regarding a study on bisexuality [not that bisexuality is taboo here, just that it was more a listing than an conversational post] where she asked how to do so. Apologies for that.

Anyway, I wanted to check in with everyone here on this tribe and make sure that we were all in agreement with some of the criteria.

Also, if someone joins, leaves a topic and then unsubscribes I generally consider this trolling or spam and will delete. Agreed?

Feedback or suggestions?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 3 replies

Can you be in an honest or authentic relationsip with a passive aggressive person?

aschleigh — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:12:22 GMT

Passive aggressive behavior is expressing anger indirectly. It's when a person denies to themselves that they are angry so it comes out in little subtle way.
Is it possible to be in an honest relationship with these people?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 17 replies

Great idea for a group!

tpaulstemarie — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:35:50 GMT

I must say, having had a relationship that I believed was a good and positive one end a while back, only to find that said individual who I was in the relatonship with is entirely self-concerned and hung up on the pretenses of being something greater than they are, I hope that this group has some good directions, advice, and friendships to be had.

What a shame when you no longer are with a person, maintain a good (or what was believed to be 'good') friendship with them afterwards, only to discover that you are nolonger of any use to them, so they eliminate you from their lives. Watch out for this type of person is all I have to say - they'll sting ya every time!

Enough on that - hope to get to chatting with some people here soon.

T.Paul

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 2 replies

Ladies - Whats up with this??!!!

yogi4peace — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 21:39:48 GMT

Ok my wife is Bi, but when I asked her if a girl at the gym was cute, she got all defensive and hurt. She said she saw me "checking her out" (I admit I thought the girl was cute!) but c'mon, doesn't every guy's (and most women's) eye's wander harmlessly? Its not like I cheated on her or pursued the chick.

Seriously, Whats up with that?!

I like to have conversations about things like that. I like to feel like I can tell her if I think a girl is cute and ask her if she thinks she's cute too. Am I a horrible person? WTF MATE?!

peace =)
BZ

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 7 replies

deep breath... here goes

daffodilhoward — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 02:19:31 GMT

Is it ok to just pop into this tribe because I have an issue and need some outside/unbiased advice?

This is happening right now and I'm very emotional about it. I'm in a *great* relationship. We're very close and love each other very much. I have no doubts that he loves me and that he's honest with me. (As I am with him, but that's beside the point)

We aren't married. I'm having some huge fiinancial problems. I find them embarassing. I keep smackin myself in the head, "How did I get into this mess?" He's the only person who knows what's going on and he's been supportive and as helpful as possible but neither of us knows how to fix this. He kept suggesting that we call his father, a lawyer, for advice. And I kept saying NO, emphatically and clearly NO!

He did it anyway. This morning I stopped by his office to drop something off. I'm double parked and blocking traffic and he dumps this in my lap. "I told my dad and he said...." I didn't hear anything after "I told my dad"

I'm MORTIFIED! Hello? Do you care what your sig-others parents think of you? I know that his mother already doesn't really like me much. Now she has some ammo. HE just offered them the perfect reason to judge me and deem me unworthy of their son. He might as well have told them my sexual fantasies or that I had an abortion 10 years ago. This is deeply personal stuff and *I* would never have shared with them.

You know, I imagine his father feels the same way. Everything you ever wanted to know about your future daughter-in-law and so much more!

So now what? How do we move past this? I see two major issues; 1. I don't trust him and feel that I should no longer share my problems with him. That will make for some great communication issues. and 2. The very thought of ever being in the same room with his parents again fills me with dread. Luckily they live a million miles away, but still. He's close to them (obviously) and they do come to visit sometimes. How can I be in a relationship with him and never see them again?

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 18 replies

Valentines day

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 02:34:06 GMT

Roses are red and violets are blue,
A gift thats picked out just from you.
Uniqe and lovely some are hand made.
Come and visit my website today!
www.fullcirclecreation.com
Happy Valentines day Tribe!!
xoxox

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 0 replies

"Primary," Polyamory, and Apologies to Tochka

khrysso — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 04:50:50 GMT

My apologies for Tochka for removing her post on polyamory, which I did not because it was inappropriate but because it generated a lot of confusion: the decision was editorial, not morally or ethically based.

I confess that I was the source of a lot of that confusion for two reasons, both unintentional: First, i used the word "primary" to define romantic/marital/significant-other-type relationships, forgetting that "primary" carries a specific meaning of "spouse #1" in the polyamory community. I believe I misled Tochka into assuming that the "radical" of which we speak is nonmonogamy, when it is not.

That is not to say that polyamory or responsible nonmonogamy by any other name are frowned on per se according to this tribe's mission. This is not a polyamory tribe, and it is not a not-polyamory tribe; it is a tribe about authentic and honest relationships between significant others.

I have amended the tribe description to try to be more clear about that.

Second, after Tochka began her thread, I, thinking to act pre-emptively, wanted to forestall the kinds of flame wars that I have often witnessed in other tribes over the matter of monogamy versus nonmonogamy.

People jumped to the conclusion that I was speaking reactively rather than proactively.

I think the fact that people jumped to conclusions indicates the difficulty of relating authentically and honestly: few are they who are willing to speak plainly, and fewer still who are willing to take words at face value. The temptation is great to read something into cautionary statements. "What'd she do wrong?" two people asked.

I didn't say anybody had done anything wrong.

However, because I forget that a lot of people second-guess a lot of things, I am responsible for a lot of confusion.

Because the potential for confusion is embedded in the original post, I have removed the whole thing, with the hope that Tochka will re-post the topic with new understanding.

In the future, let me make these things clear:

1. I moderate with a fairly heavy hand, usually for process rather than for content.

2. I usually say what I mean and mean what I say, and people don't need to read hidden agendas or other kinds of manipulation into my words.

My apologies to Tochka and everyone.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 5 replies

Honesty and Truth

khrysso — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 03:21:51 GMT

I tend to believe that while one must be truthful in order to be honest, one can speak true things and yet be something less than honest; in other words, not all that is true is authentic.

It seems to me that intent enters into the picture somewhere.

Discuss, please.

posted in Authentic and Honest Relationships - 13 replies