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Anger vs Emotional Hurt

topic posted Thu, January 4, 2007 - 11:05 AM by  Karen
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How do you react to these two emotions? Do others mistake your reaction to hurt...as anger? Do you have difficulty identifying if someone is expressing anger vs hurt?
posted by:
Karen
California
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  • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

    Thu, January 4, 2007 - 6:46 PM
    great question....personally I react differently depending on circumstances and the person involved. i.e I won't yell at my boss (though I normally don't yell unless I'm fighting) and usually I wait to think about why I'm feeling so strongly...but again it all depends for me personally. But in a nutshell I don't really have a hard time expressing either one..
  • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

    Thu, January 4, 2007 - 7:09 PM
    I bring this question up because when I was expressing how hurt I was over someone's actions toward me, his response was I was showing anger. I rarely feel anger, but I was deeply and profoundly hurt and trying to explain the depth of that hurt to the person who hurt me. There was alot of emotion going on at the time (this incident happened 9 months ago, and I am just now able to "take that block back out and play with it").

    I just want to understand the best ways to communicate strong emotions. For years, I had just "stuffed" them ...until I kind of "blew up" and made some seriously bad choices.
    • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

      Thu, January 4, 2007 - 7:29 PM
      hmmm sometimes people love to tell us how we are feeling in attempts to control our behavior. Have no doubts about your feelings...don't let him emotionally manipulate your feelings by making you second guess yourself. Hurt and anger dance together...so what if you were expressing your feelings. He clearly didn't want to own up to his behavior so he put it back on you, by telling you that you were angry. And if you were angry then what? are you not allowed to tell him? I think expressing either emotion is your right and your duty and you don't need to let anyone make you second guess yourself. So what if you were showing anger...or hurt, either way he behaved in a way that was inappropriate and you needed to let him know.
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        Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

        Thu, January 4, 2007 - 7:45 PM
        Anger exists for a reason. It isn't always the appropriate response, but I have often seen it as a protective response.

        I'm wondering though about this confounding of emotional hurt with anger. I can see how they might be confused. And I can also see how confusing them might work to the advantage of the one who chooses to be "confused."
        • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

          Fri, January 5, 2007 - 7:25 AM
          Anger is not a responce, it's an emotion. You can have a response based on anger, but it does not illicet a protective responce, quite the oppisit. When a fighter gets angry, he opens himself to getting his head torn off, because he losses his protective notion.
          "Chooses to be confused" ? Someone might choose not to clearafy thier confusion, but they do not choose to be confused.
          Confusion is a starting point brought on by circumstance. Karen is " choosing" not to be confused by posting her question here. She is not using her admited confusion to her " advantage" to stay confused, and for you to suggest this, points to your misplaced surperiour atitude.
          You shame yourself, and hurt others with your atitude.
          Karen, don't listen to this book fool. He knows not of what he speaks, he only know words, not people.
          • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

            Fri, January 5, 2007 - 8:03 AM
            Dan,

            I may be wrong (I often am :) But, when I read David's post, I thought he was referring to the person who told me I was angry when I was expressing hurt, as the person who chose to be confused. I believe that person was trying to avoid his share of the blame, avoid the responsibility of the pain his actions caused and certainly didn't want to talk about it.

            I am confident I knew that I was hurt vs angry. I did go through the angry phase a bit later, but the anger was directed at myself for getting into a situation that led to such hurt.

            What words or phrases would be used to express "hurt" vs "anger"?

            So, Dan....I might have misinterpreted David's post....but I did so to my advantage <lol>. I am seeking advice or other people's experience on how they communicate when they are hurt and angry so I have some "tools" for the "next" time (god forbid). Communication is not my strong point :) Thank you for your comments. I think both you and David are both well-intentioned and appreciate both your comments.
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    Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt - good one!

    Fri, January 5, 2007 - 8:05 AM
    With anger I tend to do one of two things with it...

    1st - get angry with myself for not being quick witted enough to see the potentially angry scenario in the making (and)
    2nd - use it for fuel in a positive way, like actors harnessing stage fright.

    Emotional hurt just makes me sad and yes some people have mistaken that for anger.

    I'm usually pretty good at distinguishing between the two, but if the situation warrants, I'll come right out and ask to be sure.
    • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt - good one!

      Fri, January 5, 2007 - 9:36 AM
      Anger and hurt are running buddies...many times behind anger there is pain, hurt and confusion. And anger is experienced as a result of feeling mistreated in some fashion...however folks have been trained to dismiss their anger as if it's not natural and part of the human condition.

      Anger has been viewed as a weakness, when in fact it often makes a person take action, when otherwise they might stay silence. I highly doubt that something that invokes or promotes action is a weak emotion, but rather a tool that some are intimidated by and wish to control, because they are afraid of the wrath that often comes from anger.

      I don't think anger is inappropriate if expressed in a manner that's healthy and gets the message across. A person does not need to destroy property or be verbally abusive to express anger. A person needs to learn to assert themselves, so they can prevent anger from taking over.

      I definitelyI don't promote repressing anger, because it often consumes us when left unexpressed. But I recommend, not taking action at the first onset, thinking about why you're pissed and then let them have it. And when I say let them have it I mean express your feelings...don't let anyone intimidate you into silence.
  • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

    Fri, January 5, 2007 - 11:06 AM
    I have to admit that my first reaction to being emotionally hurt is to get angry and lash out. I've really tried over the past several years to try and reign myself in, and react in a different manner, but it isn't the easiest thing to do. One of the best ways I've discovered in doing this is simply stating "that hurt". That way, if I still get angry, I know what I'm angry ABOUT, if that makes any sense.
  • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

    Fri, January 5, 2007 - 5:00 PM
    When I get angry, I feel "mad" and want to scream and shout and act rashly and irresponsibly, my blood pressure rises, my face gets red and the dog might get "kicked". Over the years, I've found that doesn't serve me very well <lol> I've also learned, in the process, that usually there is a reason behind the anger, something that can be either addressed in an appropriate manner or needs to be "let go" Because I am old and have made the mistake of expressing anger the wrong way, I've been able to change that behavior and deal with anger appropriately.

    When my feelings have been hurt, I feel sad, question my self-worth, can't eat, can't sleep, cry a lot, can't turn my "mind" off and analyze and re-analyze the events that brought me to that place. I don't really want to "lash out" or scream and shout....I want to go to bed and pull the covers up over my head and make the world go away.

    Two completely different reactions to two different emotions, in my mind.

    Anyway, I was really hoping to get some solid ideas on words and phrases one would use to express hurt. I realize that it is all about context. If I were to say "How could you do this to me?" It could be taken as an "angry" statement. But if you follow it up with "I feel so hurt by your actions" that should make it clear that you are hurt, don't you think?

    • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

      Fri, January 5, 2007 - 5:26 PM
      Oh, good gods, you're not OLD, dear, and I'm not that much younger than you are!

      I have always believed that anger is a secondary emotion, one we use when we aren't sure exactly *what* we are feeling, but most often used to cover hurt or fear. So I guess I don't separate them the way you do. When I pull the covers over my head is when I feel like I have hurt *someone else*, which, I guess, means that I hide when I feel guilty, rather than when I feel hurt.

      I think if you tell someone that their actions hurt you, that should be clear enough. But I am reminded of the time that I told my ex that something he said hurt my feelings, and he got very upset with me. I am one of those people, who, if someone were to say that to me, would (if true, of course) say that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but he got angry because how I dare I take what he said that way? Probably explains a lot about why he's my ex, eh? :-)
    • Re: Anger vs Emotional Hurt

      Fri, January 5, 2007 - 8:27 PM
      Karen...you seemed very clear in how you told this person your feelings. He's just not accepting this because he doesn't want to be held accountable. There is one way to tell a person you're ...and you clearly did that. If he can't get it, its on him. Don't stress yourself out

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