Eniad, I can sure sympathize.

I actually did get involved with one polyamorous relationship and I feel that for me, it was a mistake.

My best friends, who have an open relationship, argue against the use of the term primary and secondary in referring to relationships. I don't think it's hard to see why.

But in my case, the relationship that was for me a primary (and only) relationship was a secondary for her. I forever wanted to spend more time with her but she had other relationships to tend. It didn't work, and I ultimately came out of that relationship feeling very used, because, in retrospect, what I think was going on is that I had gotten involved with someone who was addicted to "romantic" relationships -- having conquered me, she was moving on for that next fix.

I still can't rationalize the strict monogamous claim that one person should have exclusive rights to another; this sounds to me too much like ownership. But I also see that the time needed for each relationship doesn't scale up well. I don't see how one can take on additional relationships without shortchanging someone, particularly in a world that places ever more demands on people's time.

Enaid..its not for everyone...don't feel like you're obligated to try it. you know? you got to have what works for you.

"I wouldn't know where to start with polyamory. I like to lavish attention on one person and relationships take work so I don't know if your split it many ways. Do you take the same energy and split it seven ways, for example?"

Of course, there are very real limitations of time but basically you just allow your heart to encompass each person. A good analogy is having two or three children. The attention and energy they get is different from what one child would receive but it's not necessarily inferior, in some ways it may be preferable. We are capable of a great deal of love, much more than any one individual can receive.

"" How much do you need to work on a polyamorous relationship?"

As much as any other relationship, certainly and multiple relationships definitely complicate things, polyamory is not for the feint of heart.

" There are always outside attractions operating in most people's life anyway so you just act out on it. You would of course need to double-protect yourself because of the physical contact."

And we have been conditioned to see "outside attractions" as something we have to resist, but if we are talking about people we feel drawn to, people we feel a sense of kinship to--why are we mandated to exclude these people from our hearts or our lives?

"I really don't get attached in those setting so it would be all about sex. "

Perhaps, for you that would be true and for some people it is true, but it isn't true for everyone. And for some people sex is all about love.

"I guess it would be fun to have many lovers and you can't take anything seriously in that kind of setting. I wouldn't care much about a partner who would get involved in that kind of multiple relationship anyway."

Well, sometimes it is fun, sometimes it is overwhelming, sometimes it is heartbreaking just like any relationship. It may be that you can't take anything seriously in that kind of setting but I take all of my relationships very seriously. In fact, I take all of my interactions with other people very seriously.

"But this is about people caring about one another but in a multiple relationship. I haven't tried it. I can understand the concept of getting someone else outside a primary relationship for their special qualities if you mate agrees. I'm clueless about the whole principle.
Being involved with several people that way at the same time is also emotionally reassuring and there is safety in number. Who knows? maybe I should try it but I have always been very monogamous - very into one person at one time. This even out the risk (like a life-insurance)."

Yes, and I'm clueless about the whole principle of expecting to love one person and only one person at a time, and having to abandon one if you meet another. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't know that we can really find security in intimate relationships, no matter how many we have. Having more than one lover during a break up is not that much different than having good friends during a break up, people are not really interchangeable. When you lose someone it hurts, no matter how many friends and lovers you may have.

Isn't it interesting that such a similar feeling would lead you to monogamy and me to polyamory?

Yes, love puts us on the block. If we open up, we agree to be vulnerable.
Sometimes the resisting and the strange mind games we sometimes unconsciously devise not to be vulnerable create more trouble for us than the vulnerability.

There is no guarantee ever but it helps to pick people with similar values.

I also don't feel like I own another person. Concentrating on one other person is a priority I have given myself so far because of my busy lifestyle. But, who knows, life is about change so maybe I will try it later.
Maybe I'll be the hottests thing around in the old folks home, time permitting.
That would actually be the perfect setting for it!

Hmm...now that K-Fed's out of the picture, maybe not so unavailable as you think, heh heh heh...

Gary whats' f to f..nevermind as I typed it I figured it out. face to face..cute

I can feel people without seeing them..so to me any realm is possible. Trouble is I get too "hopeful" for impossible things. lol I'm my own worse enemy.

People said kind things not to hurt our feelings..so we sometimes think they are being dishonest, when in fact they are trying to be humane by not telling us everything. Hey people don't wish to be known as jerks...but if they tell us right off the back they are not attracted to us the same way...we often get bend out of shape and make them feel badly for making us feel badly.

Many of us, let's admit it create more out of internet connections then they are meant to be...we often let our fantasies or imagination fill in the gaps where reality belongs...so we get carried away thinking ..oh we've met the one...meantime the person on the other side is just being friendly, flirty or having fun, like we should be.