In keeping with the "new-ager" definitions, we here have "Bastards of the Zodiac".

I know, I did not write it, I plagiarized it. So what. Enjoy:


ARIES
Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.

English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he grunts about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements, and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if they got laid. If the bastard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly gay and he's definitely not Aries.

TAURUS
A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn't.

As the zodiac's number one control freak, Taurus knows what's good for you. When he's not running - and therefore ruining - your life, the Taurean bastard is busy being lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your 'sex-life'. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. He'll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

GEMINI
Gemini bastards are completely and utterly mad.

A Gemini bastard has many demons - a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a bastard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won't mean anything tomorrow and probably didn't mean much today. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying bastard.

CANCER
Used to sneak his mother's romance novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.

Any boy should have the decency to be visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit - when he's thirty-eight. However we're not talking about a grown man here. We're talking about Cancer. It doesn't matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer. Getting on with him isn't half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she's the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man he is definitely not today.

LEO
A complete bloody nightmare.

If you miss his entrance you'll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight, his own. You can't miss him - not with the two game show hostesses on either side, pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a message in the air: “Women of the world, my gift to you”. God. Do the deed on the third date; to avoid hearing his life story again. Sex will shut him up nicely.

VIRGO
If you're looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you've found him.

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Date a Virgo. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don't want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel featuring an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us it's all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words like 'bludgeoned', 'manhunt' and 'Virgo'.

LIBRA
Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.

Charmingly boyish, well-dressed - with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll, he's only appealing to women under the age of eight. Anyone older will see he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra will never make either.

SCORPIO
A sneaky, nasty, controlling bastard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your
self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy.
He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your mind Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honor and your sister just hours before he marries you.

SAGITTARIUS
Past philosophers used a comforting tool: 'I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius'.

Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. When people say Sagittarius is lucky, they're dead right. the fact you haven't murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a backward brontosaurus and the sexual appetite even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian is compatible with very few women. Not because he's fussy - he's not. It's just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

CAPRICORN
The heart of a loan shark, the humor of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.

Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He'll even be faithful to you - although this can't be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

AQUARIUS
He seems like any normal bloke. Don't be fooled, the Aquarius is about as 'normal' as a pig with wings.

Aquarius is the most reasonable bastard you'll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don't be fooled. It makes him different from the others, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you.

PISCES
Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

Because he's at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological 'rubbish bin'. What this means is he has a little bit of all the others in him, which makes him a bastard twelve times over. This in turn means he's obliged to tell massive fibs so you won't find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you'll spot the yawning chasm between fact and fiction and the faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you'll begin to resent being a full-time lie detector on legs.