revVrob suggested i post this here.
my eyes are shut and here we go...be kind...but be honest.
[ send ]
"i am one who has been stagnated by fear of rejection and one who questions acceptance..."are there motives here that are not so apparent? this is just some cruel set up for rejection isn't it? this fearfulness developed slowly over the past 10 years or so, i was fairly confident and used to shrug off rebuffs easily, now i am paralyzed...i wonder if perhaps i'd not given so freely of myself and forgiven with magnanimity i would not have experienced the deep disappointment and loss of faith in others...the real world chews and spits out the naive.
let me stop there before this devolves into misanthropic nonsense, i do not have hatred for the world. i am just unsure...of myself in it...i am reminded of the first time i attempted taking hold of the bars on a spinning school yard merry-go-round.
forgive me for the incoherent rambling."
my eyes are shut and here we go...be kind...but be honest.
[ send ]
"i am one who has been stagnated by fear of rejection and one who questions acceptance..."are there motives here that are not so apparent? this is just some cruel set up for rejection isn't it? this fearfulness developed slowly over the past 10 years or so, i was fairly confident and used to shrug off rebuffs easily, now i am paralyzed...i wonder if perhaps i'd not given so freely of myself and forgiven with magnanimity i would not have experienced the deep disappointment and loss of faith in others...the real world chews and spits out the naive.
let me stop there before this devolves into misanthropic nonsense, i do not have hatred for the world. i am just unsure...of myself in it...i am reminded of the first time i attempted taking hold of the bars on a spinning school yard merry-go-round.
forgive me for the incoherent rambling."
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Re: relearning to crawl
Thu, February 14, 2008 - 7:54 PMI hope I remember everything I wrote before, as my first post got ousted by tribe.
My whole life has been a medical wastebasket, so I understand your pain. I've found, most often, looking within achieves more. Sounds lonely, but in fact, it offers greater gain, though community work achieves wonders also. Schedule a day for yourself...not sitting in limbo, but choosing something for you to do with and for you alone. Attend a concert, take yourself on a picnic, attend a lecture, attend a town event, etc. Learn a musical instrument, as it will help channel the emotions that engulf you. Too much festering can overburden anyone, and be quite unhealthy. Learn another language to expand your mind, and become certified to tutor at your local literacy council. So many folks have missed out on simple literacy because of money, et al, and this giving back can help you restore your faith and widen your network. Activity breeds activity, and if your home network ain't doing what it ought, the world out there has enough variety to help secure you another that works better.
Above all, be honest about your own physical limitations, and severe yourself from what will harm or disadvantage you. I, for one, have varied neurological conditions, and many of my limitations aren't visual, or auditory. I don't have a speech impediment or an less agile gait when I walk, so few realize the things I cannot do...and the productivity and other issues I face. I cannot work FT, nor be around places where accoustics are in close range, because it leads to a domino of events that springboard to conscious convulsions, which are tiring and defeating in being able to function well independently, and at all. So when you need rest, do so...don't apologize. Be demanding, and stand firm to your needs...no one else will do it for you...no matter how well intended or loving. Oftentimes, those who claim to know you best still don't know or understand. I've a family claiming all of these things...very loving, etc,..but so much they don't, and can't, get by no fault of their own, excepting experience and ignorance as a result of.
And believe it or not, starting the day with a smile and ending it with at least one thought that is complimentary to yourself makes a difference too. All little things, but the whole they make makes a difference. -
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Unsu...
Re: relearning to crawl
Fri, February 15, 2008 - 3:29 AMWhere should i begin? in short! my problem lies in my childhood, mom and dad divored when i was 2. mom was bit of a slut and ran away
for 4 months leaving me and my sister in the care of my granparents.my grandad really looked after me,and i have good memories
of him.sadly it was me that found him dead on the floor when i was 6, i did`nt react just acted like it was a game or something.
my mother found a place for us to live and meet a new man,he move in, and my life would never be the same again.
as the years went by it got worse, mental torture,and the beatings,sometimes for the smallest thing,my mom did nothing just agreed with him. next they bought a bigger house,a few horses,dog etc. then i was made to work at a young age,controlled by his hard hand,everything i did was never good enough and would result in punishment.(my sister suffered the same).it gets worse but i will stop here for now.
what does this do to children? for me it destroyed my confidence,i would wander off into my own little world,bit of a loner.became a victim
of school bullies,they would kick the shit out of me and i didnt fight back,i was always used to a beating and never wanted to hurt anyone.
even some of the teachers in school would hit me,i was like this magnetic punch bag!
one day at school in P.E. class the teacher told us to take our T-shirts off to see our musle development he got the shock of his life.
speechless!. there i stood aged 13 with a body like sylvester stallone.he said how the hell did you get like that! are you taken steroids or something, i did not answer. (it was from the hard labour since i was 10)
when i was 14 nobody ever fucked with me anymore,i`d had enough of being bullied by the school tyrant whom everyone feared.
he punched me as usual for no reason,then i turned on him and kicked the shit out of him,serverely, and the funny thing is i was labelled the bad one. out of control. how could you! that boys not right! and all that crap.
I`d had enough of everything with that town so when i was 16 i joined the royal navy and left for good. it had nothing for me,still dont.
here i found my new family,friends and regained my confidence.travelled the world. then came the gulf war in 91.(more experiences)
then in 93 i was part of the peace keeping force in croatia. that totally fucked me up,i couldnt handle it and got send home after 5 months
with P.T.S.D. and an alcohol problem. i came home to my girlfriend out of the blue to find her with another. left her, left the navy a year later, went to spain and worked in a bar and had a great time, forgot about everything,but nothing is ever forgotten.
i now live in denmark(13yrs now) in my second marriage here.and thats starting to go wrong,and its impossible to make friends in this country,god knows ive tried. i would leave tomorrow if i could but i have my children here... so iam here for them.
hope i have not bored you guys with this long post but it helps to get thing out once in a while.especially when the one you live with does`nt
understand you.
a song i can relate toowww.youtube.com/watch -
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Re: relearning to crawl
Fri, February 15, 2008 - 6:13 PMYou need to start a journal. Keep a diary - even if it's one you recyle or burn later - and purge your feelings, thoughts, etc, as you did just now. But hold onto it for a time, so you can go back for a quick read...say, a month, or maybe two months later...unless that ground is trodden with things too difficult to be reminded of. Sometimes, reviewing our past can help us grow, and other times, it's best left in the past, but a balance is key.
You should also try meditation and yoga - both, which can enable you to relax, and let go of tension. Sure, easy to say, but starting simple, and taking small steps sometimes goes a lot further, and being cautious also preserves the foundation you're trying to build, so build carefully. As you're there for your children, be there for you...completely! If that means time alone, grant it. If that means investing in a hobby, or taking the kids on a weekend retreat every other weekend...maybe if only to reconnect as a family...do so. Maybe taking an oppty to learn a sport with your children, or involve yourself in one of their activities. Make a date with them as a group, and individually. That will foster growth for you, as well as them.
Be reminded too, no matter what you choose to do down the road, you can only be there for others when you've served your own needs as well. I'm not recommending you depart from your family, but be firm about what you need. How you live your life, after all, teaches your children how to be in future. Priorities and scheduling time for things is essential for us all...no matter what we choose to do in life.
For your home's peaceful environment, you could consider getting an indoor rock garden, with fountains. The sounds are proven to provide tranquility and free the mind when it's on a rampage, and lessens anxiety. Small steps make a difference. -
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Unsu...
Re: relearning to crawl
Sun, February 17, 2008 - 3:09 AMthanks for your reply! what i wrote is actually very private to me.
one of my problems is i keep things locked away,and have differculty opening up.
now i am 36 and feel i need too. i think group therapy would be a good thing for me.
i tried a head shrink once but she said i was holding back and recemended the above.
i do have a problem with trusting people, and never will 100%.
now the other side of me is, i really love joking around and having a laugh! ( bit of a paradox maybe)
most people who know me think iam a happy fun guy thats always smiling and joking! -
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Re: relearning to crawl
Sun, February 17, 2008 - 6:08 PMMost of what I write in a journal is very private to me also, so I do understand. What a therapist once told me was some journals are meant to be burnt, but the writing is cathartic, and needs to be done. I'm a kinesthetic learner, which comes through in my writing - that is, being someone who never again looks at notes after taking them, because taking them down sealed them into memory. Likewise are journals written...to empty the heart and mind of what needs to be gutted...it does make a physical difference.
Group therapy is good, and interjects insights that none of us can arrive at alone, so I encourage you to follow through. Maybe choose a city or town program where you are a resident, as many are offered. My own city had one for survivors of abuse, and I (surprisingly - I admit to have been initially) found it productive. This was probably because it was not a group of mourners, but practical, strong women, engaged in seeking a future that was more promising and positive than the past. (The group was open to both genders, but few men step up to owning a relationship with an abusive spouse, or abuse/rape in their past - a sad social issue which is no man's fault.) Determine which issue could use the most focus and go from there. Every step...makes headway into somewhere better than before. Simple growth is better...don't forget that either...especially when you grow discouraged.
Trusting people is difficult, even if you are someone who trusts others more easily. None of us ever knows what someone else will do, and I understand personally the urge to kick away relationships because of an inability to trust. I also can own up to needs now that continue to be unmet, and will continue as such if I refuse to trust at all. Risk...is what it is. But no, it's never easy. Make a list, and write down what reasons exist to risk, and what reasons exist to not. Weigh them - literally - and see which weight carries you higher, and follow that path. Sounds simple and it is, but if you provide an actual, physical weight to the pressures involved, you will feel an impact - in both directions. That is, make certain that the value gained is worth the value lost...because we all forgo something in any transition.
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Re: relearning to crawl
Mon, February 18, 2008 - 8:55 PMThanks for posting the thread RS
I think that avoiding rejection which I have done for years,
turned into a continual dance with rejection...
by trying to avoid it so much.... (what you focus on increases)
I just made it worse...
I also think that fear of rejection from others
can only take place if there is a rejection of the self that will allow
anyone else's feedback to bring you into agreement with it by
allowing it to hurt you, even if you don't want to.
So for me my path has been very much about finding truth,
mystical and spiritual truth...which can lead to both
transcendence but also being very present....
(the best book I've found in ages on this path
is called AWARENESS by Anthony DeMello as an aside)
I have to say that the idea that a tribe called rejection is actually a place
to actually reject people is kind funny.
If everything you post is rejected no matter how good, clever or witty
then it would take all the meaning out of the feedback...
interesting idea perhaps a different tribe or maybe even a thread...
for now this should be a safe place for discussion and
any transgression of that would be booted.
cheers
rr.
