Thanks Shenreed,

I think I get what you're at there and I'll def let it brew a while to see what comes up. I appreciate how you found your own issues reflected in my situation. As you said, you may be projecting your own things here, but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't have the same issues you're dealing with. As the saying goes, "We Identify what we identify with".

I always make the effort -in such situations as this- to dwell in the mantra: I AM THAT.

There's a kernel of truth in your intuition about my "ambivalence" and anger. I saw that studio as my way towards greater self-employment since I get paid nearly thrice as much there as I do at my other 3 jobs. I liked the environment there better than my other 3 jobs too. The only thing I didn't like about it was that I could always feel tremendous pressure vibing out from the owner regarding her expectation for me to just hang out at the salon. I think it's a classic case of egocentricity blinding her to a greater reality due to her entire world being focused on her salon. She thought the *only* way I could build my practice was by getting referrals from the stylists working there after they've gotten to know me better over time. I made the effort for a while to meet all the staff and explain what I do and offer a half-off session to experience my work, but no one took the opportunity. It didn't seem appropriate for me to hang out and chat with staff and clients while services were being rendered.

Yes, I think in the owner's mind she believed she was helping me out. However, I never cancelled bookings. I simply took myself off the schedule for a particular day of the week so that I could take other work that had been presented to me so that I can make a living. As I did that though, I told her there were *THREE* other days I could make myself available instead of the one I needed to give to another job.

I promote myself in the best way possible: by working on 16-24 chiropractic patients every week, and much of that number is comprised of *new* patients. She knew that I was doing this, but she didn't seem to care. All she seemed to care about was her suggestion, and she wasn't interested in hearing that it wasn't effective.

As a side note, I confronted her about my feeling pressured by her, and she not only denied it but belittled me and treated me like an over-imaginative child; but then when we had our last discussion, she made it abundantly clear that she had been holding this expectation and frustration all along!!

So maybe it could be said that I wanted to get away from that negative energy of hers, but I was hoping it would just disperse or be directed elsewhere instead of at me.

I know that she is going through menopause, has a 19 yr old son, and is feeling like she can't hold a romantic relationship due to her work. I'm the ONLY male that has worked in her establishment and my intuition tells me that I somehow became associated, however unconsciously, with her issues with the men in her life. I don't know anything about what's going on with her son, but if he's like most 19 yr olds, she may be feeling him slipping away from her as he ventures out into his life on his own. If she's afraid of losing him, and she's obviously feeling trapped by her business and resenting the prison it's become for her heart regarding venturing into romance, then I can see how she may be looking at being alone in her waning years. She's lived much longer than I, and what does she have to show for it?

I know I'm making a story here, but it's what seems very plausible to me, and I can see how it may explain her behavior with me. She can't have what she really wants with the men who are closest to her, so there I am as the next closest male in her world and her position as my boss provides the illusion of power to make me do what she wants. She has the power to "send me away" before I have the chance to leave *her*. Get it? I've seen this "I'll get you before you can get me" dynamic with a lot of people.

I really thought we could just tolerate each other and stay out of each other's hair while I built my practice, but I feel her personal issues sabotaged that endeavor.

Getting back to my own issues Shenreed, I definitely have times where I'm not totally satisfied with my own accomplishments in life -but that's only when I'm looking at what I want vs. what I *have* accomplished which is actually quite a lot and something I can be proud of!!

So it really depends on how I want to feel about my accomplishments. I have so much more than so many people and much less than others. But I am supporting myself doing work I love and have many loving friends, lots of fun, and a long line of exciting prospects aligned in front of me just waiting for me to choose which I want to pursue.

I have books and screenplays I'm pecking at; inventions forming in my head and getting ready for patenting; prospects of becoming a DJ and having unimaginable fun with that; a niteclub for youth in a town that has nothing of the kind; going back to college to pursue a PhD in Psychology & Consciousness studies through CIIS, and, the list goes on.

Perhaps most important of all is that I feel free to be ME, and I have nothing tying me down and keeping me from pursuing any opportunity that turns me on! The owner of that salon is trapped body, mind and soul. For example, I got a pretty radical haircut that flipped her out and she nearly stammered with how hard it would make it for me to build my practice because she truly believed that everyone around us were as conventional as her. What ended up happening though is that I got more new clients, more *repeat* clients, and nothing but admiration for my free expression as I lived and spoke my philosophy to others, "If you're not having fun, what's the point of living?"

The only people I've really come to odds with in recent years are people who are subliminally threatened by my free spirit because they're conditioned to express only a fraction of their heart and spirit due to fear of rejection and humiliation. I overcame that fear long ago, and those who have been my greatest foes are the ones who have fired me. BUT that's *all* they could do, and it doesn't stop my stride. I simply skip along to the next opportunity and lose nothing while gaining more self-confidence in my Self and my intuition.

In a way I actually see these events as real blessings because of this affirmation of the Truth I feel in my heart and spirit :o)

that's great inside Shenreed... nice to read some clarity...
I only add this:

The other person IS you!

Injoy

I'm not feeling defensive Vicky Jo, I'm just clarifying the items you brought up.

Maybe you're the one feeling defensive?

You're not being "sucked into" anything here. I simply wanted to get perspective on how things *could* have been triggered, as well as whether there was really anything I could've done to handle the situation better short of letting this person mistreat me.

I don't want to sabotage myself by committing to fault her if I was really responsible for how this came out.

However, I've shared my story with many others in (her and my) community, and the resounding majority share that they've had similar problems with her as well, so I'm left with the impression that it really was all her and that there was really no way to avoid this without degrading myself and accepting her abuse.

LIke I mentioned to Shenreed, I gratefully accept this incident because it's reinforced my trust in my intuition and ability to stand up for myself which is a huge deal because I spent most of my life letting people walk all over me while I remained "understanding" and "compassionate".

All the same, it's my custom to exercise my self-awareness so that I don't sabotage myself with denial. I've noticed certain patterns that I want to get a clearer view on because such patterns are conspicuous and thus have the potential to be auspicous.

Perhaps I could save the stories that relate to such incidences and simply ask why I could be attracting people into my life who end up engaging me in these kind of dramas. What purpose would that serve?

Speaking of which, I feel compelled to share an impression or intuition about what your latest response here Vicky Jo. What I see as a possibility is that you give inappropriate or incomplete advice or perspective that results in the kind of response that leaves you feeling unappreciated or unaccepted which can be emotionally addictive feelings that, if left in the Shadows, will find ways to stay "fed". How does that resonate with you?

Nick says:

"its not about taking responsibility for the actions of others or condoning it.. per se, its about realising the nature of what we attract into our lives and how our sub-conscious does this.
I have my own experiences that are entirely convincing to me.. the proof is in the pudding.. "


That seems to me to be another way of still "blaming the victim". I understand the "logic" of this notion of how/why we attract things into our lives, but I'm not entirely convinced it's not delusion born from a desire to control everything and be all-powerful. I took a course in this and at first I was deeply invested in the philosophy, but over time I saw myself and many others creating so much more suffering for themselves and others by trying in vain to be responsible for everything that was happening in their lives.

I believe in Accountability, but I wonder how far that goes. I feel that we're supposed to not be all-powerful so that we can remain humble, gracious and compassionate. As the saying goes, "Absolute Power Absolutely Corrupts".

All the same, I don't really know anything. I'm living in the Question, staring at the Mystery.