So much scares me that if I wrote about it I'd take up pages and pages. But the one that's really keeping me up at night these days (besides my missing cat) is the political state we're in right now. I hate Bush so much I can hardly stand it. (To anyone out there who likes him: I absolutely stand by your right to do so. One of my best friends likes him and, although I have no idea why, I certainly believe she is entitled to her opinion.) I don't like all the mudslinging going on in the Democratic primaries either. Seriously, is this the race for President or are we in kindergarden? Shut the hell up and stop embarrassing all the lefties!

Thanks for letting me rant. I needed that.

I'm scared about a lot of things. And.. I wanna say that I'm resistant to the use of "makes me". When something "makes me" scared, or angry, or any other emotion, I'm handing my power over, declaring that a part of me is helpless to its influence.

That's a personal preference I have about the use of those words. I prefer to separate my emotional reaction as something seperate from external influences, to give myself the space to choose my responding external action. That's something I'm practicing, because I find it empowering.


What I'm scared about in America (the only home I've known):

*I find myself grieving the lack of self-empowerment in our culture. I'm hurt to see people in our country being governed by what I see as our out-of-self-control need to look outside of ourselves for guidance, assurance, direction, protection, care, appreciation, and more...

*I'm scared because I believe that thirst to be insatiable, that our desires to have those urges fulfilled will not be quenched by our consumption, because I believe that those questions can only be sustainably answered within ourselves.

*I'm scared to see how these very normal human vulnerabilities have been accessed through our media, literature, etc. for centuries of our history as "problems" to be tamed, stabilized, covered up, ignored, "fixed", or the present day one I feel the most threatened by-- distracted from. It's so important to me that our needs be listened to directly and guide our process-- That each one of us make our own journeys to find out who we are to ourselves, what is most important to us, and sustainable ways to communicate and address those needs and desires.

*I'm scared that I don't fully understand the environmental, economic, religious, political, or social impacts of the practices that I've seen people do to get these needs met outside of themselves (buying lots of "stuff", watching lots of TV, distracting themselves/never slowing down so as not to ever have to sit with their emotions, believing that others are responsible for what happens in their lives, etc)

*I'm scared that because I don't understand the full impact of those practices, that my opinion and perspective does not resonate with enough of the driving forces behind these practices to make sense to anybody but me and my gorgeous freaky hippie group of friends, however small and lovely.

*I'm scared about the Western analytical mindset which values fitting each vibrant living creature or plant against a set of regulated standards, rather than valuing each living thing as a manifestion of different qualities, which can teach us something new about how life comes into being. (Does that make sense?)

*I'm scared about how that mindset negatively affects our system of healthcare and wellness, and what that means for us as we are born, grow, age, get sick-- though I do acknowledge that there are aspects of our healthcare that I appreciate.

*I'm scared about these things, and I'm also angry... but mostly, I'm grieving. I find life and living things to be so special, so beautiful, so strange, so amazing, so surprising and wonderful and raw and unpredictable and real, that I am grieving to think that we could ever let our need for security or fantasy take precedence over our freedom to respect and BE who and what we are in our individual realities-- fantastic, imperfect, humans, living on a planet among others who are the same.

quotes coming to my mind-
"Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."
Benjamin Franklin

"Fantasy is what we want, but reality is what we need."
Lauryn Hill


This is what's true for me at 21. In examining my fears, I've come to see how many of my concerns stem from the personal effects I've felt within my family and different communities I've been a part of, so I anticipate that my concerns will change. I'm curious and excited to see how that happens.. Thanks for providing a space for this [long] exploration!