Hi,
I have an almost 4 year old daughter. She is vibrant but sensitive. She just began a pre-school class at the day care where she has been for the last 6 months. A new teacher, some new kids, but the same school. Ever since this class started she has slowly become more rebelious, rude and easily irritated. She has come home with a couple of small bruises and scratches she says she got from other kids. She has also come home one saying that the other kids were saying "cry-baby". I don't believe the teacher is the problem. I think she is adapting to the behaivior of the other kids so she wouldn't be picked on or labeled as a baby. Anyway, she is bringing this behaviour home and I have talked to her about it but she doesn't seem to get it. Is it time for stricter parenting? Any ideas?
I have an almost 4 year old daughter. She is vibrant but sensitive. She just began a pre-school class at the day care where she has been for the last 6 months. A new teacher, some new kids, but the same school. Ever since this class started she has slowly become more rebelious, rude and easily irritated. She has come home with a couple of small bruises and scratches she says she got from other kids. She has also come home one saying that the other kids were saying "cry-baby". I don't believe the teacher is the problem. I think she is adapting to the behaivior of the other kids so she wouldn't be picked on or labeled as a baby. Anyway, she is bringing this behaviour home and I have talked to her about it but she doesn't seem to get it. Is it time for stricter parenting? Any ideas?
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Dallas
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Re: Advice please, on the influence of other children on my daughter
Sat, September 29, 2007 - 7:13 AMCan you take her out of the class? Just as a personal belief, I don't think stricter parenting is ever the answer. Gentler parenting actually always works better for me when I'm in a situation where I feel stuck and can't figure out how to get past something in my son's life that is bothering me.
I have become seriously converted to the idea of unschooling. If your child is in a situation with other children that she doesn't like and it is possible given your circumstances to remove her from that situation, why not just remove her? Don't know what your circumstances are, but if she must be in school, maybe a different school would be a better fit? There is nothing you can do about the behavior of other children and if yours is very sensitive, this is a problem you're going to have to deal with her entire childhood. Some children simply have a really hard time when forced to interact with other children and there's nothing wrong with that. It just is what it is.
Anyway, I wish you and your girl good luck.
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Re: Advice please, on the influence of other children on my daughter
Sat, September 29, 2007 - 9:11 AMI really agree with fairy...
(thought I don't have personal experience since my daughter is only 6 months)
but I really imagine i would remove her from the class!
I know life isn't always as simple as that "just remove her"...
and I'm sure you'll do the best for what your circumstances are.
I also just read a book I really liked who addresses this exact circumstance.
(raising our children, raising ourselves) and it advocates removing the child also.
She puts it this way...if you were in a social group that wasn't working for you ...
would you stay in it ??
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Re: Advice please, on the influence of other children on my daughter
Sat, September 29, 2007 - 9:21 AMoh yah...and I also definitely would not go the stricter parenting route if it were me.
My instinct in what you described is that she is probably being overpowered in some way
(clearly verbaly.. ie: called a baby)
so may be acting out to try to feel more powerful and build back her sense of autonomy and self worth.
My immediate sense of how to heal things is to help her (maybe with a game) to feel more powerful.
Children are innately more helpless and intimidated by the world...
cracking down with stricter rules, i imagine, may only make her feel even more helpless...
and possibly hopeless that it's now coming form mom too (the loss of her power).
In my thinking strictness could lead to MORE acting out...then to counter, naturally, more strict rules, then more acting out, etc, etc...
a bad cycle that leads people to eventually have the thought process of "my kid is bad" which is just the saddest thing in the world.
I highly reccomend the book listed below. It has a great way to deal with acting out kids...that is nonviolent and supportive of them!
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Re: Advice please, on the influence of other children on my daughter
Sat, September 29, 2007 - 9:23 AMI meant the book I mentioned above (not below)
"Raising our children, Raising ourselves"
I'm also really liking (am in the middle of)
"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Cohen -
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Re: Advice please, on the influence of other children on my daughter
Sun, October 7, 2007 - 3:57 PMI'm reading both these books AND LOVING THEM. I think that deserved capitals. I feel so inspired about being a parent right now thanks to these books. Also "Playful Parenting" that gives a lot of great ways to help children connect and work through isses by playing with them (as opposed to talking to them, which doesn't always work)
I think a teacher and a school that shares your values and parenting style is crucial, as well as going to school with other families that work with their children, instead of doing things to them. This way, when conflict arrises, as it will, you can all work it out together. I know this isn't always possible, but maybe there is something that would be possible in your situation. A different class, or school, homeschooling, alternative school? Wishing you the best of luck with it.
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Listen and teach her how to deal with these situations
Sun, April 20, 2008 - 2:00 AMMy daughter is almost eleven and also very sensitive. She had the same issues when she started preschool and it still comes up at times. I just try to listen to her. If she can tell me what's going on and how she feels about it, I can direct her. We have an unusual way of dealing with things. And yes, I have always worked with her this way, even when she was three.
So, listen to her. Ask how she's feeling, and then ask her what she thinks the other child was feeling. Why did the other child do what they did. If your child can understand that most kids [and people] are simply reacting, often times to fear or out of ignorance, she will be able to handle things differently and not take on the other's personality.
I also role play with her to show her different ways of reacting and redirecting the other kids. It's time to teach her how to cope with other people. There are always bullies, she needs to know how to handle that and maintain who she is.
I hope this helps you. Check out www.Spiritualparents.com -
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Re: Listen and teach her how to deal with these situations
Sun, April 20, 2008 - 1:40 PM>If your child can understand that most kids [and people] are simply reacting, often times to fear or out of ignorance, she will be able to handle things differently and not take on the other's personality.
>There are always bullies, she needs to know how to handle that and maintain who she is.
That is true wisdom, and something my family encounters daily :)
I was a super sensitive and empathic child, am still as an adult, and am now raising a super sensitive child too. I have been modifying my life to appropriately respond to the world around me so that I can show her how to deal by example. Luckily my husband and I have found a wonderful balance andare raising a strong child! It is important that she be able to fully embrace her sensitivities while standing up for herself and treating others with the compassion and empathy they deserve. Dealing with bullies has been a tough one though, even into adulthood!
I sure do wonder what it will be like when she starts school, and this thread is a good reminder and gives me something to keep in mind. I hope her school years go by easier than ours did...
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