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i moved back to florida after an amazingly wonderful 6 year stint in North Carolina. A move which I have been questioning pretty much every moment of every day since Ive been back. I moved back in order to....I dont even know....at the time, in my mind, it was so that I could get away from the self destructive living situation I was in, go back to school, find inner peace, in essence, to grow up.
Well, I moved back to Florida and it took me a bit over a month to find a job and now that I have one. I absolutely hate it. I work at a bar/wing joint, think hooters but with a different name. Iam a god awful waitress who just does not work well under pressure, which there is a lot of since I get sat with about 6 tables at a time and still have little comprehension of how to work the computer system. I get hit on at work a million times a shift by old, drunk men, i get yelled at, and find myself in a constant state of panic and tears....i just hate it.
but i cant quit because iam beyond broke right now and just really need the money.
i miss my friends and family in north carolina
and just feel so out of place and lonely here.
i constantly find myself meditating for strength and grace just to get through my days.
but no matter how bad i feel......hooping makes me feel ....invinsible, as if i really could take on the world.....or at least one more waitressing shift.
i practice for at least a couple hours every day and have been going through incredible hoop break throughs, everything from becoming ambidextrous in both my currents, to having moments of flow with my hoop that make the whole world stop and all my "problems" seem so small in comparison to my place in this universe. in these moments of clarity I feel like I belong and my heart smiles.
it's really funny because in north carolina, which is the hooping mecca of the world ,i really just wasnt involved in hooping very much at all. in fact the entire last year i lived there i probably could count on my hands the number of times i hooped, I was just so wrapped up in my unhealthy relationship and many, many vices that my hoop got shoved into a closet.
its just funny that when i moved to florida, where the hooping community is exponentially smaller that hooping would be the one thing that saves me.
Well, I moved back to Florida and it took me a bit over a month to find a job and now that I have one. I absolutely hate it. I work at a bar/wing joint, think hooters but with a different name. Iam a god awful waitress who just does not work well under pressure, which there is a lot of since I get sat with about 6 tables at a time and still have little comprehension of how to work the computer system. I get hit on at work a million times a shift by old, drunk men, i get yelled at, and find myself in a constant state of panic and tears....i just hate it.
but i cant quit because iam beyond broke right now and just really need the money.
i miss my friends and family in north carolina
and just feel so out of place and lonely here.
i constantly find myself meditating for strength and grace just to get through my days.
but no matter how bad i feel......hooping makes me feel ....invinsible, as if i really could take on the world.....or at least one more waitressing shift.
i practice for at least a couple hours every day and have been going through incredible hoop break throughs, everything from becoming ambidextrous in both my currents, to having moments of flow with my hoop that make the whole world stop and all my "problems" seem so small in comparison to my place in this universe. in these moments of clarity I feel like I belong and my heart smiles.
it's really funny because in north carolina, which is the hooping mecca of the world ,i really just wasnt involved in hooping very much at all. in fact the entire last year i lived there i probably could count on my hands the number of times i hooped, I was just so wrapped up in my unhealthy relationship and many, many vices that my hoop got shoved into a closet.
its just funny that when i moved to florida, where the hooping community is exponentially smaller that hooping would be the one thing that saves me.
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North Carolina
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Thu, July 30, 2009 - 12:50 PMmy suggestion would be to just try and find another job. youre obviously way unhappy there, and quitting and having no job isn't something most of us can do! but while you're there you can be actively applying to non hooters lilke restaraunts... restarunt jobs are already stressful! but having to be subjected to innapropriateness from pervy guys?? just apply anywhere that's hiring! no job isn't an option, but it seems liek any other job would be better!
when i moved back to buffalo from nyc, hooping saved me too. and new york is full of hoopers, bu t it didn't take over my life and help me regain my sanity until i moved back to buffalo, where i was the only hooper i knew!
it's not the exact same situation, but i certainly understand what it's like to be subjected to unhappiness and stress everyday. before i moved back to buffalo from nyc, i was a mess! i woke up everyday with my heart pounding, stressed out already about the day ahead of me. i was unhappy with my job, the city, my room mates. i had no safe refuge! i was trying so hard to make that life work, and it was just making me miserable... i was tired of crying and tasting stomach acid in my mouth from being so stressed out!
there's no instant fix when it comes to removing that kind of stress from your life. but you've recognized it and passionately wish it to be different. so know that it will get better! continue doing what you've been doing to center yourself and feel better, but place those job applications! i know that doing something proactive always makes me feel better. it's not the end yet, but it makes me feel better to know i'm one step closer to th ings being different
*hugs from afar*
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Thu, July 30, 2009 - 1:59 PMWe miss you, Erin! And will welcome you back with open arms anytime--know that you have lots of support.
Also, there are some beautiful hoopers we have gotten to know in the St. Pete area--the Hoola Monsters and a handful of others--who will be great friends and allies. If you are anywhere near there, let me know and I will connect you. Love! -
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Fri, July 31, 2009 - 9:03 AMthank you so much ann, that means a lot <3 unfortunately iam really not anywhere near st.pete....im in a little suburb called deltona, it's about a 30 minute drive from daytona beach :)
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Thu, July 30, 2009 - 10:06 PMWhere in Florida are you? If you're near Sarasota, we can meet up for coffee and/or some hooping :) -
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Fri, July 31, 2009 - 9:04 AMim in deltona, which is about 30 minutes from daytona....sarasota sounds familiar, but im not sure where exactly it is. -
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Re: get it all out, what's in my head
Fri, July 31, 2009 - 2:33 PMI'm sorry you're not happy where you are girl. I hope you make some friends there. This post may help. And we miss you here. I only got to hoop with you a few times but you are a beautiful hooper and I hate we didn't get to play more.
As for the job, find another job! That does not sound like the gig for you. You could probably learn the computer and stuff but if waiting tables is not what you enjoy, that's reason enough to find something else. Perhaps make and sell hoops or give lessons. Apply at a gym or a bookstore. Life is too short to piss it away doing things that make you miserable. Plus, we're no good at those things! What are you good at? What do you love? Find a way to monetize that.
Also, consider coming back to NC. Maybe your family or someone could help. I find whenever I've tried to run away from something, I just take it with me. I don't think it was NC that made you unhappy ... just some relationships here. Maybe you could make your new life here. Orrrrrrr... it may be that Florida will grow on you, especially when it's still warm in winter and you can still hoop outside! Maybe make a commitment to stay til March and reassess then.
In any case, I am sending you love and courage and resilience. And I'm so glad you've found your hoop. Definitely draw upon that. It's such a blessing ... and sometimes we need something painful to make us appreciate it. Big hugs to you.
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