That is beautiful, Adrienne. Here's to standing UP! Stevi, I am so sorry you're feeling this way--it's a slippery slope. Bax always says, The better you get at hooping, the more you notice your mistakes--and yet, that bliss and freedom from judgment are still there for you--the path just gets a little thicker with briars and more difficult to negotiate.

The better we get--and by that I mean, the more skills we build--in hooping, the more it can open that "not good enough" door--I cannot tell you how often I cried my first year of hooping because my boyfriend was this phenomenal, world-class hooper, and I was this awkward, struggling newbie who could not leg hoop AT ALL and could barely break at the shoulders. It hurt. Specifically, it hurt my ego. After years of being a cool yogini, I was an awkward hooping dorkwad! And I was pissed.

But I agree with Adrienne that there is a dark force that tries to take our joy by judging it, or really, judging ourselves for pursuing it, and I believe deep in my heart that all of us who stand up and dork out with the hoop as adults for all the world to see are divine warriors in a holy battle to reclaim silliness, abandon, and joyful dance--dance for its own sake--for grownups everywhere who are locked into "I can't do that because I'll look stupid." We stand on the front lines on behalf of those who (and I used to be one) think they will never hoop in public, won't let themselves dance, and allow silliness and playing, just enjoying one's own body, to slip away into nonexistence. I believe that the right to play and enjoy your body is a divine birthright that we don't claim because we actually forget it's there. When you hoop, think of these people--you're hooping for them! The more you let yourself go crazy with the hoop, doing WHATEVER YOU FEEL, the more those people are reminded that we are here to work AND TO PLAY, and the world loses one more opportunity for fascism to take hold.

I don't know if this will resonate for you, but it has for me. When I feel judgment closing in on my joy in the hoop, I remember my divine responsibility to be absurd and have fun and let joy come into this world however I can. I have been reminded by many hoop friends, mainly Michele "Spindarella" (who was at the Monday jam a couple of weeks ago) of the importance of just playing with the hoop. If it starts feeling like work, go back and feel what feels good. Forget about skills. Michele will throw herself on the ground and just try things. Grace is important, but it's not everything. The *most* important thing, in my hoop book, is to connect with joy.

Thank you for posting this Stevi...I am currently fighting off a bout of depression myself, and getting into my hoop has proven to be quite challenging. My mind goes to this place of frustration and angst. I can't seem to find music that I want to hoop to, my clothes are too restrictive or too loose, my belly is hanging out too much....it's beginning to be a real problem. So, even though I can't offer you any real advice, sometimes it's nice to know that someone else is feeling your struggle.

Today I am feeling a little braver (A good night's sleep and breakfast in bed certainly helped)... I posted a video of today's practice on my FB, wearing shorts for the first time in years. And I still have that voice that says all sorts of mean, nasty things in my head. But have to look at the reason why...it's basic frustration. I am at a place in my school life where I am hitting all these brick walls (which has never happened to me before) and I am pissed. And that anger has turned into a regretful, self-loathing. Now I am questioning my performance at work, and my motivation in being there. All of this has negatively affected my hooping. Not to mention a week straight of rain. I know that I just have to work through this, and that I will come out the other side all the wiser.

Thanks again to everyone who helped me through this funk. I had a really great hoop session last night where while hooping to "celebrate" I managed to knee hoop for the first time. I had more fun inside the hoop than I have in what feels like a long time although I'm sure it was no more than a month. thank you for your guidance and support