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Old Tapes

topic posted Mon, June 12, 2006 - 12:55 PM by  Juliann
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"Old Tapes" is what I call my emotions when I know there is no present reason for myself to feel a certain way. OR when I act out in a way that is not congruent with my present circumstances. Right now I am battling (inside it feels like a battle) with my "old tapes" and what I know to be true in my present moment. Its frustrating because I so would like to just throw these tapes out the window, yet in all my years of self motivated growth, here are the tapes, playing their old tune and clouding my Truth.

Ive done so much: meditation, visualization, fake it till I make it, body work, concealing, counseling, Yoga, food consumption changes. You name it, Ive tried it. AND yet, the tape plays.

This tape says that I am not worthy of love. To be more specific...that love may come into my life, but it will certainly leave. Ive been happily married to the perfect man for me for over 2 years now and still I wonder, is he going to leave me tomorrow? Why would he stay with me, damaged goods that I am (yet fully aware that I am probably in the 95th percentile of whole people on the planet, not bragging, Ive really done some work). AND the old favorite, "dont trust anyone, they will eventually abandon you".

I am the person that people come to when they are in a tuff spot, Im the one that people can count on to tell them that their old tapes are not true and help them clear them and yet, clearing my own has been soo challenging.

These specific tapes were created when I was so young, just a child, under the age of 2 and moving into my teens. In those years the tapes were recorded by my Grandfather that had sex with me and told me that I was his beautiful girl but not worth anything to anyone else. His telling me I was worthless kept me quiet. I didn't come out with the truth until he was dead.

Ive forgiven the man and all the men that came after him that confirmed this "old tape" but it doesn't serve me anymore. It is getting in the way of my life.

Thoughts? How have you gotten past "old tapes"? Especially the ones that say I am not worthy of love and the wondrous life that I have.
posted by:
Juliann
SF Bay Area
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  • Re: Old Tapes

    Mon, June 12, 2006 - 2:24 PM
    yes, i think most people get mired by the "old tape" quicksand. some are more aware of it than others.

    i think when our actions contradict our beliefs, there is obviously some remaining stubborn belief skulking below the radar.

    as with anything, increased awareness is crucial. visualization and meditation can help. practicing at honing your reflexes and "catching yourself" in the midst of the tape to reguide your actions in the moment can sometimes be useful.

    yet at root, i think it can somewhat boil down to a further connection to and healing of one's soul. as opposed to 'removing the negative' focusing on the positive. focus determines experience. i know, sounds trite, yet at depth it really can touch one's heart.

    imho, there are some experiences/emotional scars that can maybe never be 'erased', yet you can learn to shift their volume levels. when a particularly painful dissonant pattern resurfaces - maybe learn to find humor in how irrelevant it is to one's current situation. laugh at how ridiculous the thought is. this is not to say that memories aren't oft grave and serious, they surely are... for me, i find that connecting to some little shred of humor when my mind tries to steer me into the cognitive rocks... it can help to shift the associations and domination the dour side of the mind is trying to grasp.

    i also find connecting to this present moment to be effective. again, sounds completely obvious and surely can't properly be explained with words. yet to truly connect into the moment is a most blissful experience. . fully letting go of the silly traps of logic and the mind. each and every moment that we live and breathe could and should be a ballet of the mind and soul. the most i think us humans can hope for is a few moments of this, in between all the other phases of the human condition. yet, i don't think reaching for fleeting rays of hope that will diminish and fade is a naive process. in my book it is the path for those who embrace the full cycles of life.

    namaste.
    • Re: Old Tapes

      Mon, June 12, 2006 - 3:45 PM
      Thank you Flux. I love the idea of finding humor in the moments when "old tapes" come up. I think you really hit on something for me. As these tapes come up in myself, Im just going to laugh!! It feels very right to say that!

      Thank you and Namaste
      • Re: Old Tapes

        Mon, June 12, 2006 - 7:39 PM
        hi urban, I can relate...

        here are a few things I reccommend: spend time with your precious self everyday... i mean, VALUABLE alone, sit with your inner self kind of time- not go to the gym, talk on the phone, get a manicure kinda stuff....sit, light a candle, listen to classical music...

        get out a pen and paper. write: dearest Be-Loved as a heading...then write a letter from your Highest Self to your baby self. Write with your non dominant hand. It knows the Truth about you....

        label the old tapes: ex: 1) the Im not lovable because _______story, 2) noone loves me because_________, 3) hes gonnaabandon me for_______...but be more creative with the story titles ( I call them DVD's- cos Ive updated my equipment ! Ha!) so, an example of whats on my shelf would be "If my dad couldnt love me than no one will", "Divorced without a date for 10 years" (I like to exaggerate when Im in the drama section) etc.
        numbering them is good too- because after awhile, you can just go to the shelf (lets say with your best friend or honey) and say- Im gonna watch number 14- you know, the I Hate My Life because Im so Boring" story, Im sure you dont want to watch it with me, but Im gonna suck you in by playing it really load anyway....etc....it helps, like Flux said.

        when the story is really load...and painful...I use mantra. I particularly like Om maha Lasshmiyea Swaha (sorry about the spelling)...because She is the goddess of wealth and abundance...and in times like these, I need to be showered with GRACE (and if it started raining coins, Id be thrilled too!!) helps turn the energy around.

        think really hard about why you would want to keep playing the story...the only one who can change whats on the tube....is you. blessings
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    Re: Old Tapes

    Mon, June 12, 2006 - 11:11 PM
    This may sound over-simplified, but the fact that you can recognize it's just an old tape is, I think, your key to freedom.

    If whenever the old tape plays you can *recognize* it's just an old tape, it will lose it's power. The trick is in the recognizing -- sometimes it's easy to forget to do that. (And those old tapes that have held such sway over us are tricky -- they'll take on all kinds of forms, so you have to be on your toes...)

    But then once you've pointed at it and said, "oh, look, there's that silly old tape playing... that isn't true" you're then in the position to move to "well, I know it's just an old tape, so let me play the new tape", and then FLOOD your thinking and your heart with all the good stuff you want to believe is true about yourself -- because it is. Eventually the tape will either stop playing or will trigger you to remember all the great stuff about you.

    I would also say that you may have to accept that the old tape may never stop playing. That doesn't mean you can't disempower it every time it does play.

    My $.02, for what it's worth.
    Many blessings to you on your journey Urban...


  • Re: Old Tapes

    Mon, June 12, 2006 - 11:47 PM
    Thank you for this beautiful sharing.

    Old tapes are so difficult to clear because they run so deep. I've come to a place of seeing that knowing what the tapes are and where they come from is very different than actually working at clearing the old tapes. There's something much deeper than insight because many of those old tapes are in our cellular memory, in our unconscious, in our samskaras.

    I think what helps me the most is recognizing when I am in a state or playing the tape. It's an intense awareness to have. THAT is the MOST important time to practice meditation or yoga. Also, I have found that finding ways to deeply relax my body helps as well, because many old patterns and tapes are also held in the body as tension, stuck energy. There's a couple of breathing practices as well that are particular useful at digesting this old stuff. I think a magical combination of awareness, desire to grow and ability to apply some method as close to the moment of the old tape as possible is helpful in breaking down the power the tapes have on us.

    Oh...and laughing at oursleves for taking ourselves so seriously all the time. :)