SMART ARSE ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
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United Kingdom
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Re: Smartarse Awards
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 10:33 AMGood ones!
I have a few travel-related tales to add.
A flight is delayed and most of the passengers are patiently waiting for the staff to take care of their arrangements. One man pushes to the front of the line, screaming at the airline agent, "Don't you know who I am?" The agent picked up the phone to make an overhead announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a man here who does not know his name. If anyone knows this man, please step forward and assist him."
Man planning a trip to China. Travel agent explains that he'll need a visa. "No, I don't need a Visa, they've always accepted American Express when I travel."
Woman reserving a room in Orlando, Florida requests an oceanview room. Orlando is quite far from the ocean for anyone who isn't familiar.
Then, there is the woman who wanted a trip to Cape Town. After hours of researching flights, the agent was amused to hear the passenger say, "What are you talking about Africa? It's in New England. I have it right in front of me on a map."
I could go on and on. I worked as a travel agent for a few too many years.
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Re: Smartarse Awards
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 11:51 AMOne time (and ONLY one time) I became airsick during a small-plane flight through an autumn storm. I shamefacedly barfed in the infamous barf bag. This was during the descent, and we were soon on the ground. The printing on the bag instructed me to call a flight attendant to dispose of said bag.
Well, I pressed my little button, but since we were about to deplane, nobody was coming my way. I looked in vain for a waste receptacle of some sort, ANY sort...but there was none. The passengers, many of whom were as ill as I, were literally STAMPEDING to the front of the plane. I sort of got caught up in the stream of retching travelers. (I had a connecting flight to catch and I knew it was going to be extremely close)
As I finally reached the front of the plane, all I could think of to say as I handed the flight attendant my puke was, "Thanks for loaning me the peanuts...you can have them back now!"
He looked ready to kill me, truly.
How's that for smart-arse? : ) -
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Re: Smartarse Awards
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 11:59 AMIt sounds like you did the right thing and weren't rude or anything. I know some horror stories from my friends who worked as flight attendants or gate agents or whatever. One woman told me about a passenger who handed her a dirty diaper to dispose of, not wrapped up, not placed in the barf bag or anything. Can you imagine?
Personally, I always go with the "more flies with honey" philosophy. Having worked in customer service, I will be much more helpful to someone who is polite than the "squeaky wheel" folks. Then again, most people that work in so-called customer service have no clue about courtesy themselves. What can we do?
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Re: Smartarse Awards
Sun, May 11, 2008 - 8:04 PMMy daughter and I were in a "head shop" the other day. (do they still call them that?) She was looking for balls for her belly button piercing.
Anyway, a young woman came in and I swear, discovered incense for the first time in her life. She was ecstatic to learn that they were 3 sticks for a dollar. She picked up a pack of the cone type incense and asked the clerk, "Can you just set these on the floor?"
He smiled politely and answered, "Only if you don't plan to light them!"
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