Hey Swarm, he was faithful during our short term relationship. And he said he would never abandon me as a friend, it was I who abandoned him as a friend, and then went back to him. He is not back for sex, he never left as a friend. Its true, I can't stand him, but its also true that he is a friend. I know he's a player, he knows he is a player, and has no problem stating it. He's a player for life, it seems. Maybe he ended the sexual relationship because he knew on a deep level he was disrespecting me, you know?

ka: your idea that if infidelity occurs in a monogamous relationship, it has failed.

Why exactly would I think the relationship failed? My position is that "infidelity" is the norm for 4/5s of humans.

However you might want to rediscover the definition of monogamous.

What I think is BS is that people generate all this needless "challenged and strained" BS. If you love each other don't sweat the being human part.

ka: Curious how you came to choose monogamy?

I like having sex with some one I love and know intimately.

sw: We just don't *have* to be and find that is much better as a way to relate honestly with each other. "

I have always understood and respect where you are coming regarding your 'mono-poly" You and your sweetie have the freedom to be poly, and choose to be mono. You give each other the sexual space, and as a result you've found unconditional joy in being exclusive to each other.

Question: is the monogamy you share now, explicitly stated, or just so? If you choose to impulsively have sex with someone else next week, do you tell your sweetie after the fact, or before the act?

To your point a monogamous relationship, such as mine, we vowed to be mono 30 years ago, and by definition infidelity would break the vow. I am comfortable with this for one simple reason.... that the vow to each other, was also a mutual vow to God... and that there is great comfort and learning that can come from such a 'threesome".

For us, when the desires to break our vows arise, and they do, it would be relatively easy to go behind each other's backs and do so. What is tougher, is that the moment the infidelity occurs, God knows... and we know that we have been dishonest to our spouse, to ourselves, and to God. If we want to be with someone else so bad... then the mature thing to do would be to admit to ourselves, to our spouse, and to God that we no longer commit to the vow...

This process of choice, is deep and reflective... and there is incredible learning about one's self, and access to an intimacy with God and unconditional love that I could never have discovered had I been totally free to have sex with anyone I desired. I am not sure I could have broken into the next level of universal love... had I not tested myself, honored my vows, and sought help from God.


We are not so different... with one exception... your choice is valid in the absence of God... and my choice is valid in the presence of God.

swarm, i know it takes a few extra keystrokes, but i'd appreciate if in the future, you'd call me leslie.

and i'm not interested in arguing. i was clear that no one i'm talking about is monogamous because the church or law tells them they should be, so i'm not sure why you'd like me to clarify religious or legal views on the subject. i have no idea, and honestly, i don't care.

i also believe that my previous response clarified that i see many gray areas in relationships. and whether some guy on tribe might think i was fool for deciding that a particular kind of past deception was serious enough to make me consider ending a relationship is immaterial to me. personally, i would never categorize someone a fool based on such limited information.

i will say that i'm not really sure what kind of conversation you'd like to have, but it feels more like criticism of people who don't agree with you, with a big dose of judgments about many types of religions, rather than an exploration of different ways of seeing things. you may not intend it that way, but from over here, that's the impression i'm left with.

and so, after clarifying these points, i shall respectfully bow out of this thread.

"Does it matter that I would think you a fool if you did?"

Damn, I missed this too but this is the perfect example of back handed name calling and the verbal gymnasitcs I've been trying to bring to the Light here. This is the kind of statement that one could defend. Say, "I'm not saying you're a food now. I'm just saying that if you did this other thing...." It's the kind of tactics I expect from the Bill O'Reilly's of ths world, not people discussing unconditional love. .

Thank you, Caro... By talking about here, its helping me to get over the infidel. He didn't cheat on me, but he cheated on his wife, and he removed himself from my life, or removed me from his life, and I have to give thanks to my Higher Power for that. God knows I am weak and I would certainly fall given the opportunity to do so. I don't need to be committing adultery with another woman's husband. Its hard enough to live as a woman who divorced her husband within the church! However, in Tibetan Buddhism, women are allowed to have more than one husband. And I was told by a monastic clergyman that I needed at least two husbands, and by a dom that I needed at least two doms. :) What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Hello all,

Here in the United States marrying multiple partners at the same time is against the law. So meeting people offline that practice Polyandry (the female version of Polygamy) is pretty much impossible for those of us who live here and can not afford to travel abroad, but there are many ways to learn about other cultures, and the internet is a wonderful way of doing just that.

I think it would be wise not to get caught up in semantics here. There is even dissension over the meaning of the word "Polyamory" within the actual poly community. It's a fight starter really. I don't think that is anyone's intention here.

Attaching infidelity to a specific sex is as silly as saying that only men rob banks. Both are dishonest, both happen in both sexes for a multitude of reasons. All generalizations are bad. (^.^)

I never had an affair while married, but I did have an affair when I was engaged. When it happened, I analyzed myself to find out how I could possibly behave in such a dishonest way that was so unlike me. I was miserable behaving that way, yet I did what I never thought I was capable of doing. After ending the affair, I realized that I was not in a healthy relationship. I don't know how many more years it would have taken me to realize that I was as unhappy as I was, if not for such a huge breach in my integrity. I am constantly holding myself to the highest standards, much more than I hold others to, and there I was... I ended my relationship and fixed myself.

When I started my marriage (to someone else-not the man I cheated on), I said "If you ever cheat on me we are through." A few years later, a few kids later, I said "If you ever cheat on me we have a lot we'll have to work through, and I don't know if we'd make it, but if you don't use protection we are through." Never really expected him (nor I) to stray, we have an amazing sex life, we're best friends... why would we look at others?

Skip ahead to our 12th year of marriage and I find myself in love with two wonderful men. Both are amazing and fulfill me in ways I never expected. My husband's truly unconditional love for me and devotion to my happiness leaves me speechless. I never imagined I'd be as blessed as I am. I was never unhappy in my marriage, I never have felt unloved, and when I found myself loving another man it was never something I would have kept from my husband. I would never have carried on behind his back and if he'd have asked me to not be physically intimate with my boyfriend, I would have respected that.

We have re-defined our monogamous, healthy marriage to allow for us to have partners outside of each other and it remains as healthy as it ever has been. He is allowed to explore relationships outside of our marriage, we have personal rules set up that the three of us feel comfortable with for keeping us safe, emotionally and physically. We also have a fall-back plan if someone breeches that agreement. It is working for us.

So as of right now, I am a woman with a husband and a life-partner deeply in love with both of them, they are both deeply in love with me, and while they do have the freedom to have other relationships, neither one of them have exerted that right as of yet.

I am not forcing them to be with only me, but there are people who think that since my husband hasn't been with another woman sexually that I am this awful person who is just "dressing up" adultery with a pretty word (Polyamory). Bottom line is, I know I am living my life with integrity. I just happen to live in a society that has trouble distinguishing infidelity from non-monogamy.

That is my experience I felt I should share.

"Steve, there is a HUGE difference between polyamory and polygamy. In polyamory, both partners are free to choose all their mates. In polygamy, only the ruling partner chooses."

Where on earth did you get that? Polygamy is the state of multiple marriages. The word itself does not speak to the details of a particular marriages dynamic, just that there are more than two partners involved.
Really, go check some definitions.

Unless you mean to imply that the state of marriage is inherently unbalanced, with a single partner dominating the decisions of the relationship. If so then I'd have to say that while you can certainly find wildly unbalanced marriages you can also find marriages that function as a true partnership.

"You are choosing to get insulted about something that has nothing to do with you or your relationships."

I'm not terribly insulted. We can take that off the table. I find that the statements made were insulting (insulting - something that may cause insult) and incorrect and spoke to that. You didn't agree that the statements were insulting, which is awesome, but I'd love to hear how the statements made aren't insulting. I laid it out pretty plain.

If you'd rather drop that then that's fine too but that doesn't change the fact that I do find that those statements are likely to cause insult for the reasons I stated above (meaning the reply where I stated what about the statements I found insulting, I'm pretty sure it will be above).

"I get where she's coming from. I wouldn't want to give my power to man who had all the power over multiple women while giving up my own freedom to have outside relationships either."

But that's not, inherently, a part of polygamy. That's not even, inherently, a part of polygyny (one man married to multiple woman). And, in this day and age, you can get a divorce if you feel that your marriage is not serving you. I fail to see where all this power comes from, if I treated my wife poorly enough she would leave me and vice versa. But that still doesn't have anything to do with multiple people being involved in the marriage.

"And FYI, I don't regard wikipedia as a reputable resource for any information."

Cool, just the easiest and almost always verifiable in their sources at the bottom but here's britannica, doesn't state what cultures they're talking about, the point is that it (polyandry) exists.
www.britannica.com/EBchecke...polyandry

"But, again, I've never seen these women with multiple husbands who can't have other wives in the real world. Have you? And if you have to look for them on the internet instead of in real life.... well, that says something."

Seriously? So you're contending that polyandry doesn't exist at all? Seriously?

And yeah, it's rare. Exceedingly rare. There isn't a large populous who are engaged in multiple relationships and of those relationships almost none are marriages (though there are probably some spiritual marriages).

Damn, I've got to run. I'll catch you guys on the flip side.