Manifesting Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships
Uniting in a romantic parntership is an opportunity for manifesting the greatest love; unconditional love. Your partnership/marriage is sanctified and consecrated when you invite Spirit to be with you. By so doing you are dedicating yourself to continually choose loving every day; within yourself, in all your relationships and in your romantic partnership.
Loving is a choice. It is the choice to call on Spirit. It is the choice to move to what is higher in your relationship, even in difficult moments. It is the choice to support, care for, listen to, and have compassion and understanding with your partner. Choosing loving when you are in the “honeymoon phase” is easy, but how do you choose loving when you confront differences? How do you use those differences to grow your relationship? How can those differences lead you to even greater loving?
Choose loving.
So how do you choose to love when you find yourself in a major disagreement with your spouse or partner? Maybe you disagree on lifestyle, politics, maybe even what movie you going to rent tonight? When there is a disagreement there are often negative emotions that follow. For instance you want to watch a movie and your partner wants to watch baseball. Maybe you find yourself saying, “He always gets to watch baseball!” That thought leads to feelings of irritation or anger. Now you are not feeling very loving toward your partner. Left unspoken this disagreement can lead to resentment, which later can blow up into a full-blown fight.
You can return to the choice of loving by noticing (becoming aware of) any negative thoughts and emotions as soon as they arise. Ask yourself, “What need of mine is not being met?” Practicing loving toward yourself by acknowledging your deep internal needs. Then find a strategy that will meet your need to, for example, sometimes be able to share a movie and sometimes fulfill your partner’s need by watching the baseball game with him. You negotiate for both person’s needs until you feel peaceful inside. This is not compromise. Compromise leads to someone not feeling fulfilled, rather find a strategy that fulfills both person’s needs.
Loving is a conscious choice. You choose loving by simply making an agreement with the different aspects of yourself; your mind, your emotions, and your spirit, that you will relate to your partner from a state of loving as best as you possibly can, and learn to be more loving each moment. Loving is a choice to be made consciously moment.
Reflection
What is loving? To know how to love and choose love, you must first recognize the loving “state of being”. How does loving feel? When you can know loving and maintain it-- then you can grow.
We only have one word in our English language for love, an experience so vast, rich, deep and multifaceted that it cannot be defined using a single word. I experience love as a state of acceptance, peace, caring, compassion, understanding and wanting the well-being for myself and others. Define love for yourself. Take some time to contemplate loving and how you recognize it.
I find that love is infinite and, as I attune myself to its energy, spirit and power, it continually reveals something new about itself. I add to the reservoir of loving that I am rekindling inside myself, for loving is our natural state and we have only to reestablish its place in our lives.
One way to inspire (inspirit) yourself to greater loving for yourself and in your relationship is to think of a time when you, without question, knew your heart was open and you were in a state of loving. Perhaps you felt that buoyancy and bliss when you were with a child, or a pet, or in nature. Using a past reference to reconnect with loving is like turning on a light switch in a dark room: once the light goes on you can explore the architecture of the room.
You might want to start your day with a statement such as “Today I choose loving with myself and my partner.”
Be open to the strength and power of loving.
As I have traveled, talking to people about loving as a practical approach to living life, I have often heard people express their concern that if they are loving with others, they are vulnerable to becoming a doormat or getting taken advantage of. Somehow, in our American culture, being loving has acquired the connotation that it makes you weak and puts you at risk of being hurt (with the underlying illusion that being hurt is one of the worst things that can happen). And many of us have been hurt in relationships, when our love has not been returned, when we have allowed our infatuations to cloud our practicality and good judgment, when our partner has changed direction in life and we have not followed (or vice versa). But it is not love that has caused pain, it is the shattering of our illusions. When this happens, even if the relationship withstands our disillusionment, we mourn our loss. We often do not realize that losing our illusions, while painful, is necessary for our growth, as individuals and as partners. But, when things do not turn out as we had hoped or fantasized they would, we must heal and grow.
Reflection
One of the greatest obstacles to unconditional loving is our human tendency to hang onto our illusions. We have all watched friends or other loved ones go through difficult times due to their desire to have their romantic relationships fulfill their fantasies, or support cherished illusions, (even if we don’t always remember to apply these lessons to ourselves). Some common illusions are: Once I have a partner, I will always be happy; my partner will be my constant companion in all things; if my partner disagrees with me, she doesn’t truly love me.
When we have the courage to confront our illusions and let go of them, that is when we have the courage to be unconditionally loving in all our relationships. What illusions are you holding onto? How are they blocking your ability to be “real” with yourself and with your partner? Are you ready to let go of them and to step forward into unconditional loving?
One of the best ways to heal from a relationship that didn’t work out the way you had hoped is to ask yourself, what did I learn? How did I grow? How was this experience necessary to becoming the person I want to become? How can the things I learned in this experience assist others? By learning and growing through any situation, you are tapping into the power and strength of loving and using that for the upliftment of yourself and others.
Unconditional love, what does it mean?
Unconditional love means that sharing your love does not depend on how you are treated, your partner’s actions, or how you are feeling and what you are thinking. For instance, if your partner does not come home on time (a condition that may be important for you in your daily routine) — or substitute any behavior you don’t like -- that doesn’t mean that you withdraw your love or emotionally separate yourself from them.
So, what if you feel angry or frustrated by your partner’s behavior, do you just love them anyway? Yes, and you communicate your feelings and needs. Taking personal responsibility for your feelings and needs, expressing them, and staying in your heart are actions necessary for being unconditionally loving.
You take care of yourself, which means honoring and validating your own needs, which fills you up inside, then you have the presence of mind and heart to share in the overflow of love, with your partner.
You have heard it before… you must love yourself first. But how?
Make sure you are deeply listening to your needs and validating them. Too often, we hear ourselves say something like “I really need more quality time with Jim.” Then the next thing we do is tell ourselves that we shouldn’t want that or don’t want to burden him, or in some other way we invalidate our needs. If we continue to ignore our needs, negating them, pretty soon we are spiritually and emotionally depleted, which can lead to resentment of our partners, yet they don’t even know what we want!
The best way to head off feeling hurt or angry with a partner is to continually take an internal inventory of our own emotional, mental and physical needs, validate them and ask for what we want (not necessarily expecting that we will get it, but at least expressing it). Painful emotions are symptoms of deeper needs that are not being met. Often, all it takes is validating and expressing our own needs to experience internal peace.
I have a friend who apologizes to his wife rather often, not for anything in particular. He tells her, “I want to apologize in advance for anything I may do that may be hurtful or not measure up”. This usually produces a lot of laughter between them and deepens their connection with each other.
Communication, Communion
Communicating is the connection between two human beings. Communicating deeply means sharing the intimacy of your heart -- be it sharing our deepest concerns and feelings, expressing acknowledgement and appreciation for each other, or reaching out physically and affectionately to our partner. In expressing ourselves to our partners and being open to their expression, we find our true communion of spirit. Nothing is better than that.
How can you foster and enliven communication?
Set aside special, sacred, uninterrupted times where you can dedicate yourselves to talking and sharing from your hearts. You can choose a topic to discuss to get the ball rolling:
something that you both care deeply about,
an activity you both love,
what you might like to create in your home,
how you might like to spend leisure time,
your dreams for your lives together,
how you want to grow,
what you want to learn.
Make sure you include time to communicate about what you want to improve in your relationship. If something is bothering you, talk about it before it escalates. I’ve noticed that when things become uncomfortable, people tend to ignore it or look the other way. This doesn’t create connection; it creates a hidden separation. Eventually, the issue will raise its ugly head, no matter how you try to suppress it. I suggest weekly partner and, if you have children family, meetings.
Practice deep listening. My image of deep compassionate listening is a heart with ears. When you listen, listen with your full attention. Avoid the temptation of thinking up an answer while the other person is talking, giving advice or to saying “that reminds me of when…”. Be present. This means not being in your head thinking of the next thing you are going to say. Acknowledge what the other person is saying. Empathize with them by saying, ”you must feel…” . When you acknowledge the things you have heard your partner will also know he is heard. There is no greater connection than really hearing your partner and acknowledging the thoughts and feelings underneath his words.
End every communion time with what you appreciate and love about your partner. If you are not used to this, it may be awkward at first but believe me, it doesn’t take long until expressing what you love and appreciate about one another becomes easy and wonderful and deepens your state of loving.
Using relationships to grow as a human/spiritual being.
I’ve heard it said that relationships can be like sandpaper, rubbing off the rough spots. One way to view the process, of growing and learning, that relationships generate is to notice the dovetailing patterns that often arise. For instance, you have an issue with being abandoned while your partner has an issue with losing her freedom. This manifests by your partner going out with her friends after work and not calling you. You feel hurt and angry because you take this as abandonment and rejection. You express your anger when your partner eventually does come home and then she feels angry because she starts to think that she is trapped and can’t have her freedom and be in relationship with you. One issue dovetails with the next.
I’ve never known a couple that didn’t have dovetailing patterns. It’s amazing how perfectly the issues seem to bounce off one another.
Recognize that relationships offer many excellent opportunities to grow, and if you experience emotional imbalance, anger, and/or hurt, see it as a symptom of an issue that is ripe for resolving. Be grateful for the experience. It’s not the issue, it’s how you handle the issue.
When an issue that is ripe for resolution arises, take the time for introspection and examination. You can approach this in several ways. When I discover a place in my consciousness that needs healing, I first ask for grace. Sometimes that is all I need. But sometimes I need a personal understanding of the origins of the issue. When resolution needs more work, I use the process to produce compassion for myself and others.
Selflessness in Relationship
Putting your own desires aside to be with your partner is one of the greatest gifts you can give. I had a dear friend come to visit me last summer. He loves football. One evening after dinner, I noticed him reading the TV guide, but soon he put it down and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk to the video store and get a movie. We did and had a lovely evening. The next day, as I was reading the paper, I glanced through the sports section and realized that there had been an exhibition football game on TV. I mentioned it to him and said “You took me for a walk and a video when you really would have liked to watch that football game, didn’t you?” He just kind of smiled. He had put his own desires aside to give me an evening he knew I would enjoy much more than watching a football game. I felt so touched. It was a demonstration of loving I will never forget.
What do you have to offer? I’ve noticed, with singles wanting to manifest their “dream partners”, they have their wish lists. How about adding a list of the qualities, skills, and heart that you have to offer your partner? What are you happy and eager to give to them and to your relationship?
In order to be selflessly loving you must be fulfilled inside yourself and give from your overflow. If you give out of wanting something in return, needing approval, or keeping score, eventually that kind of giving will lead to resentment and conflict. When you have handled and openly expressed your own internal needs, the loving can overflow and you can quite naturally put yourself aside at times and give to your partner out of the fullness of your heart.
Call on Spirit
Spirit is the third party in your parthership, yet Spirit doesn’t inflict itself in any situation, so you must invite Spirit to be a part of your relationship.
Pray and meditate together. There is nothing quite so beautiful than to pray and meditate with your partner. Especially when differences arise, ask for the presence of spirit to love and guide you in all that you do, but don’t wait for difficulties. Make time to do this every day.
Dedicate your relationship to Spirit. You know those couples with whom you just love to be around. They just exude loving, peace, happiness and well-being. Perhaps they are those who have dedicated their lives and their partnership to Spirit. Maybe they haven’t done it consciously but they demonstrate a life in which love is at the center.
Contribute. One of the greatest things a couple can do together is to take on a project of contribution. This might be volunteering together in the community. You could create your own service project together, like gathering clothing for those in need, adopting a family at the holidays to provide a food basket, coaching a kids’ soccer or baseball team … together, together, together.
When you consciously step on the path of loving, your relationship can be fertile ground for learning, healing, growth, expansion and even greater loving. Your relationship can be a demonstration of spirit and loving in action, a partnership that contributes to the world.
A relationship of unconditional loving flourishes when you claim your dedication to Spirit as the third person in your partnership. As you open to an awareness and willingness to use everything for your growth and upliftment, joy and understanding will grow and deepen. As you direct yourselves toward unconditional love, the two of you will be of great and fulfilling service to your family, your community and the world.
Your relationship can be a foundation of companionship and sharing that can be a source of joy and happiness for your life and the lives of those around you.
Uniting in a romantic parntership is an opportunity for manifesting the greatest love; unconditional love. Your partnership/marriage is sanctified and consecrated when you invite Spirit to be with you. By so doing you are dedicating yourself to continually choose loving every day; within yourself, in all your relationships and in your romantic partnership.
Loving is a choice. It is the choice to call on Spirit. It is the choice to move to what is higher in your relationship, even in difficult moments. It is the choice to support, care for, listen to, and have compassion and understanding with your partner. Choosing loving when you are in the “honeymoon phase” is easy, but how do you choose loving when you confront differences? How do you use those differences to grow your relationship? How can those differences lead you to even greater loving?
Choose loving.
So how do you choose to love when you find yourself in a major disagreement with your spouse or partner? Maybe you disagree on lifestyle, politics, maybe even what movie you going to rent tonight? When there is a disagreement there are often negative emotions that follow. For instance you want to watch a movie and your partner wants to watch baseball. Maybe you find yourself saying, “He always gets to watch baseball!” That thought leads to feelings of irritation or anger. Now you are not feeling very loving toward your partner. Left unspoken this disagreement can lead to resentment, which later can blow up into a full-blown fight.
You can return to the choice of loving by noticing (becoming aware of) any negative thoughts and emotions as soon as they arise. Ask yourself, “What need of mine is not being met?” Practicing loving toward yourself by acknowledging your deep internal needs. Then find a strategy that will meet your need to, for example, sometimes be able to share a movie and sometimes fulfill your partner’s need by watching the baseball game with him. You negotiate for both person’s needs until you feel peaceful inside. This is not compromise. Compromise leads to someone not feeling fulfilled, rather find a strategy that fulfills both person’s needs.
Loving is a conscious choice. You choose loving by simply making an agreement with the different aspects of yourself; your mind, your emotions, and your spirit, that you will relate to your partner from a state of loving as best as you possibly can, and learn to be more loving each moment. Loving is a choice to be made consciously moment.
Reflection
What is loving? To know how to love and choose love, you must first recognize the loving “state of being”. How does loving feel? When you can know loving and maintain it-- then you can grow.
We only have one word in our English language for love, an experience so vast, rich, deep and multifaceted that it cannot be defined using a single word. I experience love as a state of acceptance, peace, caring, compassion, understanding and wanting the well-being for myself and others. Define love for yourself. Take some time to contemplate loving and how you recognize it.
I find that love is infinite and, as I attune myself to its energy, spirit and power, it continually reveals something new about itself. I add to the reservoir of loving that I am rekindling inside myself, for loving is our natural state and we have only to reestablish its place in our lives.
One way to inspire (inspirit) yourself to greater loving for yourself and in your relationship is to think of a time when you, without question, knew your heart was open and you were in a state of loving. Perhaps you felt that buoyancy and bliss when you were with a child, or a pet, or in nature. Using a past reference to reconnect with loving is like turning on a light switch in a dark room: once the light goes on you can explore the architecture of the room.
You might want to start your day with a statement such as “Today I choose loving with myself and my partner.”
Be open to the strength and power of loving.
As I have traveled, talking to people about loving as a practical approach to living life, I have often heard people express their concern that if they are loving with others, they are vulnerable to becoming a doormat or getting taken advantage of. Somehow, in our American culture, being loving has acquired the connotation that it makes you weak and puts you at risk of being hurt (with the underlying illusion that being hurt is one of the worst things that can happen). And many of us have been hurt in relationships, when our love has not been returned, when we have allowed our infatuations to cloud our practicality and good judgment, when our partner has changed direction in life and we have not followed (or vice versa). But it is not love that has caused pain, it is the shattering of our illusions. When this happens, even if the relationship withstands our disillusionment, we mourn our loss. We often do not realize that losing our illusions, while painful, is necessary for our growth, as individuals and as partners. But, when things do not turn out as we had hoped or fantasized they would, we must heal and grow.
Reflection
One of the greatest obstacles to unconditional loving is our human tendency to hang onto our illusions. We have all watched friends or other loved ones go through difficult times due to their desire to have their romantic relationships fulfill their fantasies, or support cherished illusions, (even if we don’t always remember to apply these lessons to ourselves). Some common illusions are: Once I have a partner, I will always be happy; my partner will be my constant companion in all things; if my partner disagrees with me, she doesn’t truly love me.
When we have the courage to confront our illusions and let go of them, that is when we have the courage to be unconditionally loving in all our relationships. What illusions are you holding onto? How are they blocking your ability to be “real” with yourself and with your partner? Are you ready to let go of them and to step forward into unconditional loving?
One of the best ways to heal from a relationship that didn’t work out the way you had hoped is to ask yourself, what did I learn? How did I grow? How was this experience necessary to becoming the person I want to become? How can the things I learned in this experience assist others? By learning and growing through any situation, you are tapping into the power and strength of loving and using that for the upliftment of yourself and others.
Unconditional love, what does it mean?
Unconditional love means that sharing your love does not depend on how you are treated, your partner’s actions, or how you are feeling and what you are thinking. For instance, if your partner does not come home on time (a condition that may be important for you in your daily routine) — or substitute any behavior you don’t like -- that doesn’t mean that you withdraw your love or emotionally separate yourself from them.
So, what if you feel angry or frustrated by your partner’s behavior, do you just love them anyway? Yes, and you communicate your feelings and needs. Taking personal responsibility for your feelings and needs, expressing them, and staying in your heart are actions necessary for being unconditionally loving.
You take care of yourself, which means honoring and validating your own needs, which fills you up inside, then you have the presence of mind and heart to share in the overflow of love, with your partner.
You have heard it before… you must love yourself first. But how?
Make sure you are deeply listening to your needs and validating them. Too often, we hear ourselves say something like “I really need more quality time with Jim.” Then the next thing we do is tell ourselves that we shouldn’t want that or don’t want to burden him, or in some other way we invalidate our needs. If we continue to ignore our needs, negating them, pretty soon we are spiritually and emotionally depleted, which can lead to resentment of our partners, yet they don’t even know what we want!
The best way to head off feeling hurt or angry with a partner is to continually take an internal inventory of our own emotional, mental and physical needs, validate them and ask for what we want (not necessarily expecting that we will get it, but at least expressing it). Painful emotions are symptoms of deeper needs that are not being met. Often, all it takes is validating and expressing our own needs to experience internal peace.
I have a friend who apologizes to his wife rather often, not for anything in particular. He tells her, “I want to apologize in advance for anything I may do that may be hurtful or not measure up”. This usually produces a lot of laughter between them and deepens their connection with each other.
Communication, Communion
Communicating is the connection between two human beings. Communicating deeply means sharing the intimacy of your heart -- be it sharing our deepest concerns and feelings, expressing acknowledgement and appreciation for each other, or reaching out physically and affectionately to our partner. In expressing ourselves to our partners and being open to their expression, we find our true communion of spirit. Nothing is better than that.
How can you foster and enliven communication?
Set aside special, sacred, uninterrupted times where you can dedicate yourselves to talking and sharing from your hearts. You can choose a topic to discuss to get the ball rolling:
something that you both care deeply about,
an activity you both love,
what you might like to create in your home,
how you might like to spend leisure time,
your dreams for your lives together,
how you want to grow,
what you want to learn.
Make sure you include time to communicate about what you want to improve in your relationship. If something is bothering you, talk about it before it escalates. I’ve noticed that when things become uncomfortable, people tend to ignore it or look the other way. This doesn’t create connection; it creates a hidden separation. Eventually, the issue will raise its ugly head, no matter how you try to suppress it. I suggest weekly partner and, if you have children family, meetings.
Practice deep listening. My image of deep compassionate listening is a heart with ears. When you listen, listen with your full attention. Avoid the temptation of thinking up an answer while the other person is talking, giving advice or to saying “that reminds me of when…”. Be present. This means not being in your head thinking of the next thing you are going to say. Acknowledge what the other person is saying. Empathize with them by saying, ”you must feel…” . When you acknowledge the things you have heard your partner will also know he is heard. There is no greater connection than really hearing your partner and acknowledging the thoughts and feelings underneath his words.
End every communion time with what you appreciate and love about your partner. If you are not used to this, it may be awkward at first but believe me, it doesn’t take long until expressing what you love and appreciate about one another becomes easy and wonderful and deepens your state of loving.
Using relationships to grow as a human/spiritual being.
I’ve heard it said that relationships can be like sandpaper, rubbing off the rough spots. One way to view the process, of growing and learning, that relationships generate is to notice the dovetailing patterns that often arise. For instance, you have an issue with being abandoned while your partner has an issue with losing her freedom. This manifests by your partner going out with her friends after work and not calling you. You feel hurt and angry because you take this as abandonment and rejection. You express your anger when your partner eventually does come home and then she feels angry because she starts to think that she is trapped and can’t have her freedom and be in relationship with you. One issue dovetails with the next.
I’ve never known a couple that didn’t have dovetailing patterns. It’s amazing how perfectly the issues seem to bounce off one another.
Recognize that relationships offer many excellent opportunities to grow, and if you experience emotional imbalance, anger, and/or hurt, see it as a symptom of an issue that is ripe for resolving. Be grateful for the experience. It’s not the issue, it’s how you handle the issue.
When an issue that is ripe for resolution arises, take the time for introspection and examination. You can approach this in several ways. When I discover a place in my consciousness that needs healing, I first ask for grace. Sometimes that is all I need. But sometimes I need a personal understanding of the origins of the issue. When resolution needs more work, I use the process to produce compassion for myself and others.
Selflessness in Relationship
Putting your own desires aside to be with your partner is one of the greatest gifts you can give. I had a dear friend come to visit me last summer. He loves football. One evening after dinner, I noticed him reading the TV guide, but soon he put it down and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk to the video store and get a movie. We did and had a lovely evening. The next day, as I was reading the paper, I glanced through the sports section and realized that there had been an exhibition football game on TV. I mentioned it to him and said “You took me for a walk and a video when you really would have liked to watch that football game, didn’t you?” He just kind of smiled. He had put his own desires aside to give me an evening he knew I would enjoy much more than watching a football game. I felt so touched. It was a demonstration of loving I will never forget.
What do you have to offer? I’ve noticed, with singles wanting to manifest their “dream partners”, they have their wish lists. How about adding a list of the qualities, skills, and heart that you have to offer your partner? What are you happy and eager to give to them and to your relationship?
In order to be selflessly loving you must be fulfilled inside yourself and give from your overflow. If you give out of wanting something in return, needing approval, or keeping score, eventually that kind of giving will lead to resentment and conflict. When you have handled and openly expressed your own internal needs, the loving can overflow and you can quite naturally put yourself aside at times and give to your partner out of the fullness of your heart.
Call on Spirit
Spirit is the third party in your parthership, yet Spirit doesn’t inflict itself in any situation, so you must invite Spirit to be a part of your relationship.
Pray and meditate together. There is nothing quite so beautiful than to pray and meditate with your partner. Especially when differences arise, ask for the presence of spirit to love and guide you in all that you do, but don’t wait for difficulties. Make time to do this every day.
Dedicate your relationship to Spirit. You know those couples with whom you just love to be around. They just exude loving, peace, happiness and well-being. Perhaps they are those who have dedicated their lives and their partnership to Spirit. Maybe they haven’t done it consciously but they demonstrate a life in which love is at the center.
Contribute. One of the greatest things a couple can do together is to take on a project of contribution. This might be volunteering together in the community. You could create your own service project together, like gathering clothing for those in need, adopting a family at the holidays to provide a food basket, coaching a kids’ soccer or baseball team … together, together, together.
When you consciously step on the path of loving, your relationship can be fertile ground for learning, healing, growth, expansion and even greater loving. Your relationship can be a demonstration of spirit and loving in action, a partnership that contributes to the world.
A relationship of unconditional loving flourishes when you claim your dedication to Spirit as the third person in your partnership. As you open to an awareness and willingness to use everything for your growth and upliftment, joy and understanding will grow and deepen. As you direct yourselves toward unconditional love, the two of you will be of great and fulfilling service to your family, your community and the world.
Your relationship can be a foundation of companionship and sharing that can be a source of joy and happiness for your life and the lives of those around you.
posted by:
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Ireland
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