I am REALLY trying to forgive some people who were incredible harmful to me as a child and I am having a hard time separating forgiveness from acceptance of their actions. I know all the "hold them in love" stuff, but I really cannot get there. Any thoughts?
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Houston
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 8:57 AM1. Forgiveness begins with you. You have to let go of any notion that you did anything to deserve what happened to you.
2. The truth changes with time. You have the power to change your story at any time to make the story serve your needs today.
3. Acceptance is for wimps. Celebrate your life and who you are. With the right perspective you can actually thank your parents for giving you the lessons that made you the wonderful person you are today. -
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 10:39 AMAcceptance is the reality that you CANNOT change others. Forgiveness is changing you. -
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 11:06 AMIt helped me to realize what I did do to contribute. That I could have left. I know they don't let children do that, they would've hunted me down and punished me, but knowing I did have that option helps me to take some of the responsibility. Like it was my choice. I chose to stay instead of being worse off if I tried to leave. Because it hurts to blame someone else. I guess I forgive myself easier.
Also, picture yourself telling the person that hurt you that you didn't like what they did. With no emotion. Just like you're talking about something you weren't personally involved in, or attached to. It helps to get the exact thought out without the emotion stirring things up and exaggerating.
And sometimes it's easier to love someone from far away. You have no obligation to act any certain way towards them from now on. What matters is holding love for them in your heart. If you have to stay physically away from them to do that, then that's fine.
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 9:22 AMThe first step is making a clearly stated unwavering decision to forgive them. I have decided to forgive (person) for doing (whatever)
The second step is getting in touch with as much truth about what happen as you possible can. We tend to tell ourselves lies about really traumatic situation as a coping mechanism. You start by getting rid of any excuses you may have for what they have done. Let them off the hook for nothing. Give yourself full permission to be angry with them and to feel how much they hurt you. It is impossible to fully forgive someone while holding onto a pack of lies. You never have to condone what someone has done in order to forgive them.
The third step is to find some good that came from that situation. Maybe it taught you some important lessons in life. Maybe it taught you why you should never do the same sort of things to somebody else. Maybe it made you a stronger more independent person or whatever.
The fourth step is to just flat out forgive them. If you can't, go back to step one, two and three and dig deeper until you can.
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 11:59 AMForgiveness is a much lower bar than acceptance or "hold them in love."
Its being willing to let what happened go. Burying the hatchet. Let bygones be bygones.
Acceptance of who they are now might come if they are willing to work on the relationship, but that is a separate issue.
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Re: differentiating b/w forgiveness and acceptance
Sun, April 13, 2008 - 8:09 AMbeen working on this one myself. again.
i realized just yesterday that i have actually built a friggin shrine to my own resentment. and i finally got mad. not at 'them', but at myself for wasting so much time and energy. and im not going to do it anymore. i have better things to do.
so, i release 'them' from any past transgressions. i am kicking them out of that nasty little room in my head reserved for chewing on, ruminating, and judgeing. i have learned what i needed to learn from the experience, and am releasing it from my energy body, to dissipate back into that from which it came. i can even be grateful for the experience, for i have learned much. please god that i have learned enough not to make the same mistakes and they.
