I had a beautiful fairy friend....
She was a shining spirit - full of life and creativity....
But most of all - she was the embodiment of Pure, Unconditional Love....
She loved everybody - always smiling - always saying "hello Love", "goodbye Love"...
Always singing "Love, Love, Love"....
Her life was a work of art and her being was pure inspiration and joy....
I loved her - everyone she ever met loved her....
Then I found out she was brutally murdered....
She was in Asia - home alone - someone tried to rob her - she fought back and was stabbed to death....
Grief, shock and disbelief overcame me....
I could not get my head around it - I could not believe that this could happen to one of the most wonderful people on this earth....
she did not deserve to go like this....
I could not imagine the fear and terror she must have felt with her last breath....
the thought of it made me physically ill....
I understand that we all must die....
and yes, it's tragic that she had to pass - her time had come - etc....
But NOT like this - how could someone so peaceful and full of unconditional love and light suffer her last day of life like this....
This can not be the way - this is just not fair - this can't be the way the universe works - it just can't.....
A week had passed after I heard the news...
I couldn't come to terms with it....
I was listening to a Pema Chodron discourse on audio....
I was deep in a meditative state...
Then Pema Chodron said "whatever you choose to be aware of - the universe will serve up the opposite to help you become more aware...
if you want to practice patience - the universe will give you irritating situations so you can become aware of your impatience....
if you want to practice mindfulness - the universe will give you mind-less situations so you can become more aware...."
At that moment I received a download from the universe....
My friend was murdered because she believed in unconditional love.... she WAS the embodiment of Unconditional Love...
so she was killed in the worst way in order for her soul to practice and forgive and unconditionally love her killer....
This was her soul lesson...
If she did - her soul would not come back to this earth plane as a human - but ascend to the next realm of Angels and Muses....
The universe always unfolds for our greatest good - to bring our souls closer to source....
The universe only gives you what you can handle.... and her soul must have been so close to pure that she could handle it....
otherwise it wouldn't have been so....
This was the message I received....
and at that moment I felt like I understood....
and an awesome presence of peace came over me....
"she can do it" - I thought... she can transcend....!
I wholeheartedly believed this message - I truly believed that she was liberated from the mortal bondage of death and re-birth and that she has now gone to somewhere higher - where her love and light could do so much more profound work than on this human realm...
Today they found her killer....
he sold the things he had stolen from her home for $300...
that was all her life was worth... 300 dollars....
And instantly, that peace I had felt before vanished....
Instead I heard a voice in my head telling me that what I had realized before - what I thought was a download from the universe - was just my mind's way of rationalizing this heinous crime.... because I could not emotionally handle her death....
The voice said that there is no justice in this universe....
and that my friends death was just a cold, cruel, accident - it could happen to anybody - it just happened to be one of the most precious creatures on the planet....
If this is true - if there really is no rhyme or reason - if it just happened to be wrong place - wrong time - then I am not sure I can go on...
Then this whole world is pointless.... and everything is just random....
and there is no use to try to love - to try to help - to try to heal....
if this could just "happen" - then there is no karma - no wrong or right....
I want to believe that what my insight from the universe revealed was real - that there is some sort of order to this universe - some sort of soul evolution - some sort of kind universally all-loving spirit that guides us for our highest and greatest good....
but my mind is telling me that it's just a big rationalization and that the universe just exists - it is indifferent - and doesn't really care one way or the other...
it just goes on....
I don't know which one is real anymore...
I don't know what is real anymore...
I don't know what the point of this existence is....
I am feeling confused, cynical and a bit schizophrenic by all of this....
any insights from this tribe will be a great help in helping me to sort this tragedy out and come to some sort of terms....
Thank you for just letting me blurt this all out...
She was a shining spirit - full of life and creativity....
But most of all - she was the embodiment of Pure, Unconditional Love....
She loved everybody - always smiling - always saying "hello Love", "goodbye Love"...
Always singing "Love, Love, Love"....
Her life was a work of art and her being was pure inspiration and joy....
I loved her - everyone she ever met loved her....
Then I found out she was brutally murdered....
She was in Asia - home alone - someone tried to rob her - she fought back and was stabbed to death....
Grief, shock and disbelief overcame me....
I could not get my head around it - I could not believe that this could happen to one of the most wonderful people on this earth....
she did not deserve to go like this....
I could not imagine the fear and terror she must have felt with her last breath....
the thought of it made me physically ill....
I understand that we all must die....
and yes, it's tragic that she had to pass - her time had come - etc....
But NOT like this - how could someone so peaceful and full of unconditional love and light suffer her last day of life like this....
This can not be the way - this is just not fair - this can't be the way the universe works - it just can't.....
A week had passed after I heard the news...
I couldn't come to terms with it....
I was listening to a Pema Chodron discourse on audio....
I was deep in a meditative state...
Then Pema Chodron said "whatever you choose to be aware of - the universe will serve up the opposite to help you become more aware...
if you want to practice patience - the universe will give you irritating situations so you can become aware of your impatience....
if you want to practice mindfulness - the universe will give you mind-less situations so you can become more aware...."
At that moment I received a download from the universe....
My friend was murdered because she believed in unconditional love.... she WAS the embodiment of Unconditional Love...
so she was killed in the worst way in order for her soul to practice and forgive and unconditionally love her killer....
This was her soul lesson...
If she did - her soul would not come back to this earth plane as a human - but ascend to the next realm of Angels and Muses....
The universe always unfolds for our greatest good - to bring our souls closer to source....
The universe only gives you what you can handle.... and her soul must have been so close to pure that she could handle it....
otherwise it wouldn't have been so....
This was the message I received....
and at that moment I felt like I understood....
and an awesome presence of peace came over me....
"she can do it" - I thought... she can transcend....!
I wholeheartedly believed this message - I truly believed that she was liberated from the mortal bondage of death and re-birth and that she has now gone to somewhere higher - where her love and light could do so much more profound work than on this human realm...
Today they found her killer....
he sold the things he had stolen from her home for $300...
that was all her life was worth... 300 dollars....
And instantly, that peace I had felt before vanished....
Instead I heard a voice in my head telling me that what I had realized before - what I thought was a download from the universe - was just my mind's way of rationalizing this heinous crime.... because I could not emotionally handle her death....
The voice said that there is no justice in this universe....
and that my friends death was just a cold, cruel, accident - it could happen to anybody - it just happened to be one of the most precious creatures on the planet....
If this is true - if there really is no rhyme or reason - if it just happened to be wrong place - wrong time - then I am not sure I can go on...
Then this whole world is pointless.... and everything is just random....
and there is no use to try to love - to try to help - to try to heal....
if this could just "happen" - then there is no karma - no wrong or right....
I want to believe that what my insight from the universe revealed was real - that there is some sort of order to this universe - some sort of soul evolution - some sort of kind universally all-loving spirit that guides us for our highest and greatest good....
but my mind is telling me that it's just a big rationalization and that the universe just exists - it is indifferent - and doesn't really care one way or the other...
it just goes on....
I don't know which one is real anymore...
I don't know what is real anymore...
I don't know what the point of this existence is....
I am feeling confused, cynical and a bit schizophrenic by all of this....
any insights from this tribe will be a great help in helping me to sort this tragedy out and come to some sort of terms....
Thank you for just letting me blurt this all out...
posted by:
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 3:00 AMI'm sorry to her of your friend's death.
I'm happy to have heard of her life.
We all die.
We don't all live. -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 12:20 PMyes - I know that...
we all die....
what I can't get over is the HOW...
It's making me doubt this rationale of "karma"
and if there is really any such thing as justice in this universe... -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 5:40 PMKarma is not justice. It is just actions following naturally from causes.
Drop a rock, it makes ripples. The ripples are neither good nor bad.
They are neither revenge nor retribution.
Justice is a human idea and it is imposed only by humans.
The local authorities are trying to do that now.
But justice really is about the perpetrator.
For millions of years one of our most common deaths was being eaten by predators.
Trust the process. This is a type of death we can cope with.
It sounds like she found years of beauty to share. That is special. -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 12:35 AMThank you swarm...!
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 4:29 PMoh, sweetie, i so feel you. i've been observing how i have processed knowing what happened from the day after she was killed, when i heard through friends who also loved her very much. i only met her a couple of times, and she is the first person i've ever known who met a violent death. reading more about her, seeing how loved and cared for she was, made me wish i'd paid a bit more attention the short time i did spend with her.
i've been through a lot of emotions about it as well, from outrage at how something like this could happen, blaming her for not taking precautions, accepting that we just can't always know why things happen, allowing thoughts and suspicions about other people to move through my mind, wondering how i reconcile this with my belief that there is no such thing as evil.
most moving to me were the accounts of two friends who shared about experiencing visitations from her in their grief, reassurances from her that all was fine and that she was happy.
i can see struggling with this in the context of soul evolution and a belief that the universe is a good place. i believe the universe is made from love, that we are made from love, that love is an energy, and it is the energy that binds us together, a nonphysical energy that generates and binds physical matter together. love is the source, and we feel joyful when we feel love because it connects us with the source within us. she was the light she was because she let the love flow from her without resistance.
i also know that who we are in this physical form is really just a small piece of who we are in the context of the universe, but that we often believe the illusion of the physical nature of things. things happen that feel random, or wrong, or evil, or just unfathomable to us. was there are reason for this? a lesson in it? perhaps, but it might not be for you or me. or maybe it is, and we will understand later, maybe when we release the physical world, we'll understand. or maybe we'll find out it is just large meaningless scale of things, in the way the lion capturing and devouring the rabbit is just the nature of things. karma is a concept that helps us to understand, but it's just far too big of an idea, the thought of cause and effect on a universal level, to expect it to fall into neat little bundles understandable by mere mortals.
for me, i am looking at the lessons i see about the fleeting nature of life, to make sure that i am doing the things i most want to do, and that when the end comes for me, whether it's when i'm 120 dying in my sleep, or tomorrow, dying in some unthinkable way, i was living my life with magic and honesty and love.
i first got this lesson the first time when my mother died suddenly at 62, and i realized she had been putting off living her dreams for years, always thinking that she had plenty of time. she didn't, at least not in this physical realm, and i, too, thought of those moments when she realized that she was dying, this was her last moment. and i saw for the first time that it is in daring to live your dreams that happiness really comes, because for each and every one of us, there will come a moment when it's over, however that happens.
i truly believe that if you are living with love, then there is nothing tragic about the end at all, at least not for you, not for her. yes, she had a brief experience of what was happening, but then she was released. and she left behind inspiration for many people in the way she lived her life. the sadder thing is living with unsaid thoughts and unfulfilled desires and unlived experiences, i think.
what do you think she would tell you right now? if she embodied unconditional love, and had a karma that brought her the opportunity to practice that in the most challenging way, would she want you to feel lost or betrayed about it? she lived a life of joy and following her bliss. yes, it came to an early end, but we don't know how our lives will unfold that way. all we can do is live with joy up until the end, as she did.
big hugs to you sister. -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 12:34 AMThank you my love.... thank you....
I needed to be reminded to never forget!!!!
I do believe in love - I do know we ARE love and the universe loves us and it's all perfect as it is!!!!
I started to fall down into doubt, despair and disillusion when I read that it was all for a measely three hundred bucks...
something happened and a huge doubt and questioning of the nature of the universe took hold....
It was a big question - a huge doubt.... "what is this reality? Is there any reason for anything? Is it all just a big indifferent energy prepetuating ad infinitum? what's the point or is there none?".... It felt like a cracking open of the egg.... and I descended....
Thank you so much for reminding me sister!!! I rec'd so many beautiful, heart-felt responses and am truly reminded of the beauty of life, the love and kindness amongst community, tribe, kin and family, the interconnectedness of it all, and the precious, fragile, exquisite gift of our human existence..... and I will continue to believe in fairies, in angels and in the higher divine source of love..... and live life to the fullest!!!
Thank you for your wisdom and love leslie!!!! I love you!!! xxx - parul -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 1:43 AMi love you too parul. and the universe loves us because it is us, and we are it, we are all connected and part of the same thing.
it's a good thing to question and seek answers and pay attention to how things happen, but don't get stuck in the mundane physical details of this. you wouldn't feel better if it was $3,000 or $3million, because it's not about money.
it's about wanting to know why, wanting to make sense out of something that feels senseless. we can decide that the problem is that the universe just doesn't make sense... but everything i learn in life continues to teach me that there is indeed an order and pattern to how things work, that the universe does indeed make sense.... so then what there is to do is to see that the reality is that we just cannot understand everything... that doesn't mean the universe doesn't make sense, it simply means that we are limited in our understanding.
much love to you, to come to a place of peace about this. xxxxxx -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 10:56 PMyes - you are right... it's not about the money - that was just the trigger...
and sometimes we will never know why because it is beyond our knowing....
thank you.... -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Wed, March 5, 2008 - 3:35 AMProbably the person was trying to get more than $300 bucks. they were probably trying to take away her love. they could probably see how loving and understanding she was even in that circumstance, and they thot they could feel better to take it away from her, and probably found out they couldn't. Even by killing her they didn't take away her love. and they didn't get to feel any. your friend found out the most important thing can't be taken away. love. is more important that life. Your friend might have been willing to give her life if this person would learn love from it. Instead they probably learned how they can't take love, but it will hopefully lead to someday realizing, they can't get love except by giving it.
Think of all the other(some famous) wonderful loving people who have been murdered. It seems to be the way they go.
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 2:02 AMI can't imagine the pain you must feel. I am so glad you are willing to work through this and talk about it. There are a lot of ugly things going on in this world and I think it has something to do with confusion. I really hope you don't mind me responding to this. If someone is so confused that they take another life, I do relate with your feelings. Your question is as right as rain. I don't want to fear souls that are confused. Although this hasn't happened to me I wish I could help. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything, Peace.
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 10:40 PMthank you flow...
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 8:32 AMPerhaps reaching out and helping the family of your friend cope w/this incident would be useful. It might help you feel a bit better. Though this is a great loss. Your pain is apparent and they must also feel devastated by such actions. Love shared w/a friend is magnified, pain shared can help it decrease. Comforting one another is a process of love.
Such a sad event. Very sorry to hear of your loss. -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 10:52 PMThank you Reid...
I have reached out to our global family & there is so much love and support and ritual happening for her - all over the world!
She was truly a special being....
I guess for me the confusion was in whether there is a higher, divine order to the universe or if it's just an indifferent, eternal happening....
I am choosing to believe in the former.... -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Tue, March 4, 2008 - 2:12 AMi think perhaps both things are possible... that the higher divine order *is* indifferent to matters of the physical.
i think it's possible that there is no right and wrong, no good and bad, it all just is what it is. we are the ones who bring the contrast to it, and add meanings, and it's our insistence on that contrast that causes us suffering and pain.
not that we could do away with contrast in our world of physical senses, or would we really want to, because those contrasts give us a lot of pleasure as well... but in the larger scale, it's like the cat killing the bird, ... a loss in that moment, from a place of attachment, a place of "but that was such a beautiful bird!" -- but it is when you step back, you see that it is simply the nature of things, and it is our desire that they be some other way that brings us pain.
((((((parul))))))) thinking of you.
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 10:57 AMI can see why you'd feel confused. This is a traumatizing experience. It sounds like you had a pretty good handle on it and then fear and anger bubbled up and made you feel confused again. That makes perfect sense to me. I expect that will continue to happen for some time. We are trying to logically understand what cannot be understood logically. And, while we are spiritual creatures, we are also biological creatures and very vested in our physical form. That kind of programming is strong. We miss the physical presence of those we love. We swoon befor the physical responses of our own bodies.
Just know that we humans have a snail's eye view of things. We cannot see how all things are connected, how this will affect her killer's life or yours or hers in the karmic sense. What we can do is look for the painful blessings. Use this as a wake-up call so that you really realize that we are all impermanent creatures in this form. We have no idea how long we will be here or what our exiting method will be. But when someone dies, it can help us love the others in our lives much more intensely -- and that is a gift from them to us. Also, use this opportunity to try to reach beyond the veil, to feel the presence of your friend, to communicate with her. Send her your love.
The Buddhists have a prayer that I often use for animals who have died suddenly and tragically, usually by being hit by a car, but it is for anyone who experiences sudden, unexpected death. It is to help with their passing and to connect the two of you on a spiritual level. Let me share it with you:
Dear Friend,
I bow to you offereing blessings of love and respect.
You are in an unexpected transition.
Your time in this form is ending.
Do not be afraid.
Release any feelings of fear or attachment that arise within you.
Be unafraid
and dissolve into radiant Oneness.
I had a friend who was murdered too. Two years ago. It was senseless. Her body was dismembered and nothing was even taken. No arrest has ever been made. So I know what a blow this is. It can be hard to remember that we are moving, however haltingly, toward enlightenment. But your friend's tragic demise is very likely to be a turning point in her killer's spiritual evolution. Probably others around her also. Sometimes we have to take steps backward to take steps forward.
This is from a blog post I wrote after I started to get my head around Henrietta's death. These are the gifts I accepted from that experience. It helped me. Perhaps it will help you too.
This shall be my response to violence -- to love my friends and family more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before, to be intensely compassionate, to love unconditionally, to create art, to serve, to heal and help others heal, to have zest and enthusiasm and endless optimism, to refuse to be discouraged by defeats, to forgive, to seek to understand, and strive to remember that if we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each life enough sorrow and suffering to disarm all hostility. Love is an endless act of forgiveness.
"Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Victor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor
Finally, here is a post that also touches me. It is about the Amish's response to the shooting at their school where so many innocent girls were murdered. They responded with forgiveness and truly touched my heart. people.tribe.net/colinb/bl...2fdce50d53
I am thinking of you and sending you love. Your friend also. Walk in peace dear ones. Namaste. -
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 10:49 PMThanks so much for sharing Caroleena....
Your post made me fill up with so much love and tears just fell from my eyes....
oh god... it's so beautiful...!
I am feeling so much love right now - for everybody - even heidi's killer....
She is in a good space - I can feel it...
so many people around the world who loved her to bits n bobs and are sharing this together,
loving one another & supporting each other... it's incredible....
and it's so true - how our limited minds are incapable of understanding the infinite...
your post really touched me and helped a lot!
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Tue, March 4, 2008 - 2:13 AMbeautiful words, caroleeena.
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Re: my friend was murdered...
Fri, March 28, 2008 - 2:15 AMIm sorry for your loss, I often wonder if I will be able to handle news like this in such a way as you presented yourself in this post.
With a willingness to create Love and Compassion out of the darkest time I could ever experience.
