www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/5/23passet.html

Conversations between famous people as imagined by someone with an american public-
school education who didn't pay too much attention in school but who did just enough to pass the exams.




Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill

NIXON: Hello, I see you're smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.

CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?

NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars ... maybe ... I don't know.

(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)

NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.

CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.

NIXON: I'm not sure if I did.

CHURCHILL: There's not that much more about me that everyone knows.

NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.

CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.

NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.

CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.

NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.



J.D. Salinger and Christopher Columbus

COLUMBUS: I discovered America.

SALINGER: You're a phony, everything's phony.

COLUMBUS: I sailed on three ships called the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. I don't think I had anything to do with the Mayflower. That was before me.

SALINGER: Everything is phony.

COLUMBUS: It was 1492 when I found America. That year is definitely correct.

SALINGER: Were there Indians here when you got here?

COLUMBUS: Yes. I discovered them, too. I don't think I had Thanksgiving with them, though. Those were Pilgrims. Maybe I was a Pilgrim, but probably not.

SALINGER: I wrote one book and nobody ever saw me again.

COLUMBUS: There were no books when I was alive.



Abraham Lincoln and Hitler

HITLER: Kill the Jews.

ABE: Free the slaves.

HITLER: Kill everyone, especially the Jews. Nazis are the best.

ABE: Emancipation Proclamation.

HITLER: Mein Kampf.

ABE: Four score and seven years ago.

HITLER: Kill all Jews!

ABE: I was shot in the head at a play, because the Civil War made people from the South angry.

HITLER: I created Nazis.