Republican National National Convention Schedule

6pm Opening Prayer led by Rev. Jerry Falwell

6:30 Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 Burning of the Bill of Rights (excluding the 2nd Amendment)

6:45 Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 Seminar #1 Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment

7:30 First presidential Beer Bong

7:35 Serve freedom Fries

7:40 EPA Address #1 'Mercury, It's What's For Dinner."

8 pm Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 pm Call EMT's to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 John Ashcroft Lecture- "The Homos are After your Children!"

8:30 Roundtable Discussion on Reproductive Rights (MEN only)

8:50 Seminar #2 "Corporations, the Government of the Future"

9 pm Condi Rice sings "I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man.."

9:05 Second Presidential Beer Bong

9:10 EPA Address #2 "Trees, The REAL Reason for Forest Fires."

9:30 Break for Secret Meetings

10pm Second Pray led by Cal Thomas

10:10 Lecture by Karl Rowe; "Doublespeak made easy"

10:30 Rumsfeld Demonstration; How to Squint and Look Macho

10:35 Bush Demonstration of trademark 'deer in headlights' look

10:40 Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt

10:45 Clarence Thomas reads list of Black republicans

10:46 Third Presidential Beer Bong

10:50 Seminar #3 "Education, A Drain On Our nation's Economy"

11:10 Hillary Clinton Piñata

11:20 John Ashcroft Lecture #2 "Evolutionist; the dangerous New Cult"

11:30 Call EMT's to revive Rush Limbaugh

11:35 Blame Clinton

11:40 Laura serves milk and cookies

11:50 Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

Funny!

blip.tv/file/520347

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him and Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'