Zen Buddhist Scoundrels's topics - tribe.net

More lesson's in impermanence

2008-10-10T22:19:56Z

It looks like tribe has lost everything since 06/17.

Very unprofessional. [sigh]

I will try to keep things here as best I can, but it looks like it is time to seriously consider next steps.

A lot of people seem to be headed to Tribe Refugees/ning.
I've been enjoying www.sciforums.org

any one have specific suggestions?

Please don't say myspace

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 2 replies

Melvin's 49th & Open House

2008-06-17T12:51:51Z

All of the Scoundrels are invited, and especially those in the East Bay.

I'm having an for open-house to celebrate the fact that I got to stay here a whole year, actually 13 months with at least another to go, then perhaps more after that. (Cross fingers.) And plus I'm turning 49!

It's Friday, June 27th, 6PM till 11PM. Feel free to stop by, if even just for a bit, any time between those hours. I'm at 201 Coggins Drive, # B205, Pleasant Hill, CA 94523. Bring my phone number (925) 435-8554, if you can make it, so you can call and have me open the gate, since the buzzer out front is a bit iffy.

I am only five blocks from the Pleasant Hill BART. Pleasant Hill BART is off the Pittsburgh / Bay Point Line. From the City that line is direct no transfers, and only takes about 45 minutes. I'm only five blocks from BART. There's only one street involved, Buskirk. Pleasant Hill BART is right on Buskirk, and, as the map shows, you just walk five blocks to the corner of Buskirk and Coggins. I'm on the corner of Coggins & Buskirk. You can call from Pleasant Hill BART, using the above phone number, and I can talk you here if there's any difficulty.

Many blessings.

Melvin.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 7 replies

Uh-oh... do you see a Scientology ad as well?

2008-06-17T12:40:59Z

....?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 6 replies

Buddhist Wisdom of "Jackie Brown..."

2008-06-17T08:41:54Z

Thoughts?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 14 replies

Is Loser Celibacy A Virtue?

2008-06-16T02:59:20Z

What if a person "attains" celibacy
by utterly striking out with the hotties?
Would it be cool if they late tried
to pawn that off onto the world as
"profound spiritual virtue?" I was
thinking of bragging about my years
of celibacy as representing advanced
spiritual attainment. The reason being
"advances spiritual attainment" seems
better than the phrase "shocking loserhood."

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 90 replies

Movie: "Little Buddha...."

2008-06-15T17:14:29Z

... it not only sucks--it bites! Broken skin kinda thingy, ahuh! That's what IIIII'm talkin' 'bout!

Keanu Reeves as the Buddha, Jesus-H-CHRIST!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LsRom5NyaBI&feature=related

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 0 replies

Is It Wrong?

2008-06-13T03:46:32Z

Suppose a fellow simply refused to ever work another day of his life. Would that be wrong?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 18 replies

Is Hardcore Zen Like Hardcore Porno?

2008-06-11T01:59:08Z

I saw the phrase, "Hardcore Zen," but I wasn't sure where that would lead.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 16 replies

Buy zen online

2008-06-07T22:31:47Z

Skip the hours upon hours of repetitive boredom (but only if you really need it).

http://mu.igcoo.com/

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 8 replies

Enlightenment Is Actually A Form Of Viral Infection

2008-06-07T02:27:05Z

My doctor just told me that Nirvana is a disease.
What now?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 11 replies

A Few Time & Money Rules I Follow To Keep From Being The Total Addict I Am

2008-06-03T02:05:15Z

Whatever my favorite networking site is: If I barely has time for that one, then I am forbidden from being deeply involved in another one.

Whatever my favorite books and music media are, if I have not read or listened to them yet, then I am forbidden from buying more until they are read and listened to.

If one I already had meals with lots of sugar, booze, meat and caffeine that day, then I must wait till the next day to buy or consume any more of the above.

If have already visited a friend, already called another friend and had a long phone call, and already e-mailed everyone to whom I really had something to say, and should I still feel lonely still, then I must somehow face the emptiness and not rush about any more.

If I have not yet paid off my last trip, not even finished catching up to all my obligations that fell behind in the last trip, and if I am still emotionally and physically tired and off-center, I can't do a new trip yet.

If I already did Yoga and meditation and already meditated and read scriptures and books and already watched spiritual videos, and if I still feel empty and lost, I need to focus on something else for a while and become one with the emptiness and the lostness rather that trying further to get rid of any of it.

If I am broke, but only because all of the money was spent in radical self-gratification to the point of absurdity, then I just have to wait till my finances recover. No putting it on the credit cards.

If I am really desperate for adventure and have no savings, I may put one hotel room on each of my three credit cards, but I don't get to go again until those rooms are paid off.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 12 replies

Whining Is Still A Sacred Paramita

2008-06-02T04:43:17Z

I always forget the Six Paramitas. But I'm adding another: Whining.

In the last post Orpheus mentioned whining, and I realized that we
need to stand behind whining. Whining is attacked by those in the
world lacking spiritual vision. Let us begin where Job left off. He
let God bully him out of whining. (That was kind of a sellout.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 7 replies

Props For Old-Fashioned Self-Pity

2008-06-02T00:31:56Z

I remember, sometimes in the 80s, people really started coming down on self-pity. In fact, before the 80s, one only heard the term here and there. It seems that in my grandmother's day, some solid victimhood was seen as a salt-of-the-earth mood option. What a horrible obligation we've hung around everyone's neck, demanding not only that they deal with their misfortunes but also that they be perky about it. We really are a society of slave-drivers.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 8 replies

Facebook Is Not Zen

2008-05-28T02:28:29Z

However, my friends are on there, and so I participate for just a few minutes a day so as not to seem totally unsociable. That being said, I still like Tribe the best, warts and all. Facebook has all these weird accessory programs designed to keep one in a constant wheel or Samsara that no other networking site can match for sheer life wasting. I thought I wasted my life on Tribe, but I didn't realize how much deeper life wasting got. (Note: I apologize for coming off high-minded, when, in truth, since we have no life to waste, there is no crime in wasting it.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 18 replies

The Holy Estate of Scoring A Section 8 Voucher - Hari Om Nama Shivaya

2008-05-27T07:00:39Z

After 8 years on the waiting list, I finally got that magic little sheet of paper,
It was about 3PM today, a day that will stand as a turning point for humankind.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 6 replies

Whenever Things Go Bad, I Rember Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf.

2008-05-23T21:00:55Z

Does anyone else remember the Iraqi Information Minister also called Baghdad Bob?

When I feel blue, I remember him and I can somehow carry on with spinning my life
as though there's some hope, and even victory possible. He was the ultimate optimist
till the very last moment of the old regime. He would tell reporters around the world
not to be nervous and bullets flew over their heads. "We are perfectly safe," he would
say, even as reporters flinched at the sound of heavy artillery fire headed toward the
center of town.

Shaku Shotoku (aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 22 replies

The Zen of Hillary

2008-05-21T15:05:33Z

One thing Hillary has in her favor is a kind of beyond Zen type of Zen.
At first you're yourself.
Then you become someone else in order to win elections.
Then you win enough elections such that the person you manufacture is really you.
After that, it would be really fake to go back to not being fake.
Hence the Zen of Fakeness.
Realness itself, at last, can be a kind of artificiality.
One could be "trying . . . to be real."
What I call spontaneous and heart-felt phoniness is deeper than casual deepness.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 51 replies

Fear Factor 2

2008-05-19T17:30:37Z

Panic! It's all good!

Check it out. So you have silly old God in Heaven, and He/She/It created everything.
Okay, so now it turns out the this great being looks down and notices that some of
us are cowards and some are brave. You'd think, given our sentiments, that the brave
folks who face life and death and sex and money and poverty well, would kind of get
some brownie points for really hunkering down and facing down these monsters. But,
as it turns out, God thinks that total panicked cowards are exactly 100% equal to the
cool people. So, as it turns out, dudes who ruined their lives due to cowardice are
viewed as approximately and cosmically as significant as guys who conquered the
world and love and everything else through being brave. Actually, a cowardly, lonely
drunk who dies in a corner whimpering is viewed by Jesus as coequal with ten billion
Buddhas.

So, like if you're feeling lazy, and not up to years of self-discipline and shit, then panic,
with the Universe's blessings.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 42 replies

A Site For Orpheus

2008-05-19T02:20:16Z

Note the ad below the tribe:

sugardaddie.com

Yeah! I knew we, as a society,
were on our way. It's sort of a
relief to see we've arrived!

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 9 replies

the dark side...

2008-05-17T14:59:07Z

at the end of dark side of the moon which was just about the first pop record I ever bought a voice mumbles "there is no dark side of the moon - as a matter of fact it's all dark"...

and in the end I'd go along with that...

but in this carnate condition of inevitable corruption and misery and woe there are relatively yukkier scenarios...

so I reckon most people are unable to see their own yukkissimusness so what I propose is that in this thread y'all can project what you think is the darkest aspect of being and non-being etc...

what constitutes the deepest darkest pit of hell...?

then maybe try to do another thread for paradise just to balance the books... hahaha

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 17 replies

Shaku Shotoku Appears As The Poet Mel C. Thompson In Walnut Creek, CA, May 18th, 2PM

2008-05-16T05:41:31Z

Another feature of mine is coming up.
Should any of you be in the hood, stop by.
And if any of you are secretly poets, remember,
there is an open reading after my feature, so
bring your own poems to read.

Bring Poems To Read After:
Melvin's Little Feature
Sunday, May 18th, 2PM
It's A Grind
2230 Oak Grove Road
Walnut Creek, CA
(925) 930-8700

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 4 replies

the fear factor...

2008-05-14T14:11:30Z

I'm scared...

any suggestions...?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 52 replies

Being an ESThole Buddhist Scoundrel in the 80’s and Now

2008-05-13T16:34:42Z

The EST seminar started in the 70’s allowed Shaku and I and many like us to be called ESTholes in the 80’s when we were involved in this great Zen Cult. (However, it wasn’t a cult like Scientology that makes everyone drink the pink lemonade)

Werner told us in the seminars from the teachings of Alan Watts and Zen Buddhism that, life was empty and meaningless, and not only that, but it was also empty and meaningless that life was empty and meaningless… Then he took it a step further and challenged us to live extra ordinary lives.

So since we were now free of guilt, fear and shame for those of us who got it, we began to do whatever the fuck we wanted to, this really pissed off everyone who didn’t like people who lived with no guilt, fear or shame, so they called us ESTholes.

Shaku tells me he gave his time freely to be Erhard personal slave, putting together this huge ego maniacs’ clothes for his extra ordinary life he chose to live on the backs of MLM marketing and Other Peoples Time and Money.

Erhard and all us ESTholes were the Buddhist Scoundrels of the 70’s then and now…

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 21 replies

I Would Give Orhpeus Some Money, But . . .

2008-05-10T16:27:52Z

. . . but I might get booted from my posh luxury apartment by some legal trickery. Even so, even if I get the boot illegally, I can't really complain. I was about to be homeless, but instead they put me in a castle that even rich dudes might not be able to afford. So, if the Universe has to kick my ass a bit to even it out, I'll understand. However, I have to save every penny, except for the beer money, oops, and the caffeine money, er, and the sugar money, so I can have some cash to move with. (It costs a few hundred bucks to get guys to come and toss all your shit in a truck and take it to the dump.) And then, well, I'm insane, and there are sometimes pills required, so the budget is tight. That being said, one day, I now affirm, (I now take up my est mantle and proclaim, one day all ZBSs will be wealthy enough to send Phil five bucks. My word is law in the Universe, etc., etc.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 27 replies

Kabalistic Personality Test

2008-05-08T15:29:56Z

I was trippin on one of the other threads that the ad below read,
"Free Kabalistic Personality Test. See what your soul looks like."

Well, first of all, people see what my soul looks like, which is why
I can't get a date. Anyway, my ex wives will be glad to tell me,
if I ever forget. But I'm not sure how the Kabala enters into it,
But in Glen Park today, while en route to get stoned with my ex
wife, I noticed a whole storefront dedicated to the proposition that
the Kabala can give us an exact mathematical formula with 100%
accuracy that will solve our problems.

One of my problems with all of this stuff is the low success rate.
For instance, in the entire world of faith healing, positive thinking,
motivationalism and various voo doo techniques, not a single
person ever grew a third set of teeth. Not a single dude ever lived
even an extra hundred years. You'd think, with all these age-defying
miracle diet plans that even a singe person would have used them
to such effect as to, for instance, grow back a single aputated toe,
or a single eardrum that had to be removed because of tumors,
or a single missing-limb. As of yet, 100% of the folks I know who
are into miracle-working, can't even replace one tooth that they
lose after the age of 25, except by dental implants.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 27 replies

Ah, Yet Another Exclusion Of Yicky Old Horny White Guys Who No One Wants

2008-05-08T13:04:09Z

What's with all this, "for women" and "for people of color," entering the Dharma Realm?
Is there some special delusion for people other than old white guys which requires
some other kind of Dharma? I don't get it. Delusion is delusion. Clinging is clinging.
Nutcase whackjobs are universal. A better ad would be: "do you suck because you
just latch on to sick relationships and won't let go? Cool, come on down and we'll
try to rid you of that habit." The more I see of the world, I find nothing unique to any
race, religion, gender, etc. They all share one thing deeper than any other trait:
They are all lost and in torment. Buddhism is the medicine that either cures it, if
you have some home still left, or the pain-killer if you're incurable. (People tend
to think of me as in the incurable category.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 29 replies

Fatwa Against Barbie?

2008-05-01T14:27:36Z

I'm kind of rockin' about the fact that the Republic of Iran
has come out solidly against Barbie, apparently she rather
lacks the kind of spiritual seriousness they require over
there. As for my part, I admit some of the negative aspects
of Barbie have haunted my life, specifically due to the fact
that although I'm old, bald, broke and lacking in sex drive,
I still crave to have sex with a human replica of Barbie,
proving once-and-for-all that I am an utter fraud and
shockingly shallow. (God it felt good just to come out
with it.)

Shaku Shotoku, (aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 13 replies

a thread for nice new age positive thoughts and stuff...

2008-04-29T14:36:05Z

can't think of anything to say...

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 25 replies

His Minister Said: "I'm coming after you."

2008-04-28T22:51:58Z

I was pondering the plight of poor Obama.
Wright, his minister, got up yesterday and said
to Obama, "If you're elected President, I'm coming
after you!" Is that hot, or what? Plus, it was kind
of cool that he hired Nation of Islam body guards.
That is some solid Scoundrelism. Too bad he's
Christian and not Zen. It would be hot to have
him contribute to our tribe.

Mel C. Thompson, (aka Shaku Shotoku).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 0 replies

Right Speech, NOT!

2008-04-26T06:11:35Z

Announcement: Buddha returns to earth cussing people out:
"I, The World Honored One, have returned to preach The
Sevenfold Path wherein all beings attain to perfect holiness
in a context of mutual verbal abuse." The Tribe prohibition on
hate speech, pornography and other such things prevents me
from relating the full transcript of the revelation, although one
might listen to early recordings of the night-club act of Buddy
Hackett to get the basic feel for the new sutra. To facilitate
this new scripture, "Right Speech," which was always the
suckiest item of the former 8-fold path, was abruptly crossed
out. Right Speech is just a control tool to keep the poor and
the weak from making bullies and CEOs and football jocks feel
as guilty as they really should. Said Lord Guatama to me,
"Meditate and attain perfect composure and then go let
those redneck assholes have it!" I admit I was rather shocked
at all this, but I seem to be adjusting to the new doctrine fine.

I remain, a mere mouthpiece of the Lord Guatama Shakyamuni Buddha,

Shaku Shotoku, (aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 16 replies

The Lab-Grown Meat Controversey

2008-04-25T12:54:38Z

Scientists already have the technology to grow meat in a lab without growing an ordinary animal, as such. With no hunting, butchering, horrible cages, no hormone injections, no slaughtering, and all that, might this be a middle-way between ordinary meat-eating and vegetarianism. (I just saw this article online about it.) If the meat grown in labs had about the same level of consciousness as a plant, would it be as ethical as eating vegetables, notwithstanding some reports that plants really have emotional lives and enough nerve endings to suffer as much pain, or more, than we do, etc.? Some animal rights organizations are against it and others are uncertain, and still others are for it. (Note: As for myself, I had a fillet mignon today, but that was the only meat I ate all week, I think.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 12 replies

The New Sevenfold Path Gets A Foothold On The Buddhist Imagination

2008-04-25T11:22:38Z

To make Buddhism more marketable, I've definitely decided to advise everyone to remove their least favorite item from the former list of eight. So, for instance, businessmen can exclude the pesky "right livelihood" thing that turns them off to Buddhism in the first place. People with ADD can bump off that "right concentration" thing, which, on the face of it seems rather cruel. Then there is the optional Ninefold Path for people of other religions. This is where we allow hung-up people to add one, or exceptionally liberal people to invent others. In the Haight, for instance, we could have "right inhalation," if you dig what I mean, and so on. But, to prevent the thing from becoming too chaotic, I'm asking that people only subtract or add one. So the Sevenfold and the Ninefold I think are a conservative, incremental approach to getting us to the total chaos that will be the pinnacle of our evolution.

I remain,

Shaku Shotoku, (aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 11 replies

I'm Keeping The Odd Listing Below Just For A Conversation Piece

2008-04-25T08:48:19Z

Now, as you all know, I'm a raging liberal, and called a Socialist by my Republican friends. However, we can see by the ad below why we can't seem to win as many elections as we ought to:

1. Conference for PEOPLE OF COLOR 10am-5pm
2. (bringing together people of color in solidarity)
3. Sliding scale ($50-$15)
4. Limited spaces available-- for people of color.
5. Pre-register soon at www.sfbuddhistcenter.org
6. Cultural celebration FOR ALL (white allies welcome) 7-10pm

1. What? I'm not allowed to be in the room when people of color discuss issues important to them. Why not? Is this some kind of Mormon-style inner-temple secret deal where us heathen whites can't be trusted with the secrets of God or something? I don't get it.

2. What? People of color had no solidarity before this meeting? They need to pay $50 to be told by this Buddhist center how their solidarity should work out? I think there are free events of this sort they could go to where they would be more than welcome for free.

3. Sliding scale? Screw that. I want "NO SCALE." I attend two Buddhist meetings where there's a tiny sign that no one can even see that says, "$5 Suggested Donation," except that no one ever suggests it, or has ever brought it up once, and plus you can't even see the sign unless you go looking for it, and no one has ever asked us for a penny, except for baby shower gifts for a couple that was having a baby. But there was never anyone kind of guarding the door to whom you had to shamefully reveal you had no money.

Plus, another problem with sliding scale, it presumes that the meeting is worth even a penny to me. Like, honestly, before I found the two cool groups I'm in now, I really felt that almost all of the sanghas I visited were utterly irritating, cold or boring. Now, in a pinch, if the meetings were free, and if my life sucked and there was nowhere else to go, and plus free food was to be found, and plus later if the priest could be cornered in his little abbot's room and be made to fork over some booze, well then it was all good. However, most Buddhist meetings suck so deeply that one should totally be trying them out for months first before donating a cent, (I mean, you could come clear across a county and ruin your night only to find there are no hot chicks there). I do actually give an average of about three dollars now, but that was only after months of going for free with no one bugging me.

4. Hurry up and register now before other people of color rush forward to pay $50 to be told stuff about their solidarity by Buddhists? I don't get it.

5. Pre-register soon? I would advise them to register soon, in terms of Buddhist time, like a kalpa or two. (I'd try such an event only after every other theory in the universe utterly failed. I love San Francisco, but somehow San Francisco Buddhists are more annoying than Buddhists in the surrounding counties. I hope I'm not forced back into San Francisco soon.)

6. Goodie! Now at 7PM the yicky, mean, loser white people are allowed in the room to talk to people of other races for a bit, having humbly accepted their status as cosmic pariahs. It is exactly because of such listings and such theories and such people that we have a temporary moratorium on right speech, because right speech does not include mockery, and mockery is, in fact, the holiest of all paths.

Shaku Shotoku, aka Mel C. Thompson.

P.S. - - Long Live The Sevenfold Path!

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 9 replies

In Honor Of The New Flag: Propose Your Own List Of Seven

2008-04-24T13:40:06Z

Applause for the new flag, which I believe will be our "Main Photo" for some time.

Please do your own list. This is just a starter. Or suggest even one, or two, etc.

1. Right Intoxication.

2. Right Masturbation.

3. Right Blasphemy.

4. Right Lecherousness.

5. Right Freeloading.

6. Right Neediness.

7. Right Lostness.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 13 replies

A Glorious Day Of Mooching In San Francisco

2008-04-18T01:27:15Z

Well, although I've moved out of "The City," I must always
be within a short BART hop from it, like I am now, because
no place on earth provides more solid food and booze
mooching. Just yesterday I was invited to two parties with
free unlimited booze and food. I got through the whole day
on $4.29 in that day's out-of-pocket expenses. There were
not chicks around, but they all looked like a lot of work
for very little return. So I concentrated on the core issues
of reality.

Shaku Shotoku (aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 9 replies

Meaning To Be Included In Next Universe, God Guarantees

2008-04-16T17:33:29Z

I received a revelation that God had made a budget decision without being aware of its full impact. The story was, at the time of creation, God was going to include a lot of extras in the cosmos. In the original architecture of the universe, there was to be included such items as "inherent meaning" and "lasting truth" and "logic that never fails," but the project was going over-budget. It came down to including the swimming pools, chicks in bikinis and sports cars or, as one designer put it, "all the philosophical gibberish." So God, wanting to stay popular, picked the fun stuff and left out the deep stuff. Well, a few billion years later, after hearing billions of desperate prayers about the structure of the universe being "too brutal and empty" and stuff like that, God came to realize he might have erred. So, the bad news is, we're a bit too far into this universe to rearrange it all. But thankfully, God promises that next time, "In addition to the hot car and horny chicks, we're going to make like meaningful for you and try to build in some lasting truths for you to cling to, stuff like that. And we'll try to toss in thousand-year lifespans if we aren't too strapped for cash to pull the whole thing off." Current architectural renderings show a massive egg-shaped universe, a bit like our own, but the central galaxies all are projected to be build with things that look like centrifuges which will, as the Lord said, "Fling out existential wholeness and lasting doctrines like nobody's business." As a last-ditch afterthought, this time God patched together this religion of Buddhism which centers around "letting go of all form," but that, even God acknowledges, was kind of a long-shot thing.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 46 replies

To Attain To The Lofty Estate Of Begging

2008-04-07T15:33:24Z

I recall reading many passages of scriptures involving great Hindu monks, great Buddhist adepts and especially the Jain Masters. The Jaims were just not ordinary food-in-the-basket kind of beggars. They begged with certain vows attached. Such as, "I will only accept food donations so long as it is from the left-overs of a meal someone cooked, so longs as when they cooked it they had not predicted I would come begging and therefore made more; but rather I will only accept left-over food which is accidentally left over and therefore posed no burden whatsoever. More exactly, I will only accept left-over food that no one wanted to cling to in order to eat the next day. Thus my begging will be, metaphorically, without footprint, so to speak."

Well, my vows of begging are not like that. Mine or more like: "I will only beg when begging is easy and not humiliating, and even then I will only accept such foods and beverages or hotel rooms and airliners that of an extremely high quality so as not to demean my lofty estate as a beggar. Simply accepting what the heck happens to be plopped down is tantamount to actually agreeing to the conditions or ordinary life, which I am too picky to stand for. Hence, my begging shall be mahashakushotoku begging."

I remain,

Shaku Shotoku
(aka Mel C. Thompson).

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 13 replies

biblical cool...

2008-04-07T09:09:22Z

so...

like which dudes from the good book woulda made like the coolest zen scoundrel persons...

my own reckoning would be like sol from the old bit and johnny from the new bit...

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 3 replies

Worlds Biggest Water Balloon Celebration Justin Hermin Plaza April 9th SF

2008-04-07T06:33:46Z

Non violent water ballon party at justin hermin plaza in celibration of the passing of the olympic torch.
Please be very careful not to extinguish the flame...
since the olympics should not be "Political" !

recomend red yellow and blue ballons in honor of his Holiness the Dali Lama and all those who have died in tibet to make china what it is today.

Nameste
William

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 0 replies

Delete Entire Topic

2008-04-02T20:24:24Z

I noticed in the Tribe Management controls there exists an option,
"Delete Entire Topic." Now if we imagine that God has a similar
computer system, then we can picture Him/Her/It one day going
online and seeing an image of Earth on the "My Tribes List" and
dimply Deleting Entire Topic.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 48 replies

the zen tragedians...

2008-04-01T20:35:04Z

it seems I made a grave error of judgement...

I was kind of culturally groomed as a misfit alcoholic leaning on pound's li po as a philosophical staggering stick until I landed in the deepest darkest heart of alcohol land...

this place should be paradisiac oblivion for an alcoholic zen scoundrel to sink into the cold idiotic swamp of hell yet the paradox machine brought in some weed and made me look for light where it is entirely absent...

oh woe is me...

so much so I'll wax poetic...

imagine if you would that fu i embracing the moon in the yellow river instead of drowning should have awakened from his drunken stupor to find himself deeply entrenched in sewage...

not quite an epitaph

orpheus loved pretty girls warm weather and the seaside alas the fates didn't deliver this
the sadass teletubby failed to attain paradise and with sobriety came rheumatoid arthritis...

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 19 replies

Is China About To Unravel?

2008-04-01T14:02:52Z

My thought is: If you forget why you had a revolution, you may have another one.

China's revolution was a rural one, not based in the big cities, but rather in the heartland of China. When Deng Xiao Ping ushered in the era of crypto-capitalism, he, and his allies, thought of it as a clever way for China to compete with The West. But, as Islamic Radicals are also learning: If you copy The West to defeat The West, you are more likely to become The West than to actually overthrow it. The temptation for all dudes in second place in any competition is to adapt the techniques of the apparent winners, or alleged winners, while simultaneously saying to one's self, "But when I win, I will never be like those guys." In my life too, I always lose this way, trying to compete with the bad guys on their own turf with their own tools. Chances are my competitors know their own tools better than I do and know how to play their game better than I do. If things look hard when I try to compete on my own terms, they will always be harder when I try to compete on other people's terms. It's best to take some short-term defeats that to sacrifice everything in the long term by trying to be slick.

So the Chinese have a problem. This is not just about Tibet. It's about the fact that they had a revolution, in large part because China had a tendency to forget its poor and to neglect the welfare of country folk. The Maoist revolution, for all the bad it brought, had two sole virtues: They took care of the starving and instituted massive social programs for the uneducated and those needing medical care. And, they remembered their roots and took care of those roots. As goes the old Southern political phrase, "You got to dance with them that brung ya."

Now that China has abandoned all of its social programs, abandoned public medicine, abandoned public education and left it's rural heartland out to dry, can it really expect any loyalty from any but the small percentage of the population who are exactly in the military or who are party hacks? And even then, finally, how much of the military and how much of the party can be trusted to remain loyal? It's all iffy. China's embrace of Capitalism, for all its advantages, was carried out in such a way that they virtually duplicated all of the failures of the Republic that was overthrown by Mao. Mao may have been a criminal and a genocidal narcissist, but he did, paradoxically, have street cred., moral authority, whether we like it or not.

Who will rise up to protect this regime when not only Tibet, but Hong Kong, and Macau, and Sizchuan and the highly Islamic provinces all rebel at once, and when the hundred million itinerant slave workers begin to think death looks more inviting than life? Will party loyalists from the countryside rush in to offer their lives for a revolution that is not only dead but absolutely inverted? The situation looks doubtful. If not this year, then maybe next year, China will splinter like the Soviets did, only in an infinitely more chaotic and dangerous way.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 17 replies

Consciously Faking It Versus Defensive Faking It

2008-03-31T06:15:06Z

It's okay that I'm a total fraud, so long as my fraud
is an Awakened Fraud, as opposed to a grasping
defensive fraud. The fact that my whole life is a lie
is okay, so long as it is a Total Lie, versus a nervous
kind of half-ass, uncomfortable, not-really-chosen
lie. I looked within, saw nothing Real, so I quickly
Faked It, as opposed to mere faking it.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 28 replies

Keeping Mel C. Thompson Out Of The Way

2008-03-28T12:31:24Z

As I was sitting in Za Zen contemplating getting buzzed with my priests,
I suddenly realized that the person known as Mel C. Thompson was the
source of all the problems. And when I lose my awareness of that guy
during Za Zen, then everything lightens up.

Closely related to this:

I saw the danger of planning sensibly. Because, once one plans things
sensibly one time, one later feels an obligation to plan sensibly on a
consistent basis. This consistency then becomes like a nine-to-five
job that must be maintained. Later one notices that one has been
running in circles as insanely as if one had simply been disorganized
and incompetent from the start. Put another way, if in attempting to
be rational, we end up as lost as the utterly dysfunctional, then best
to try to steer clear of the rational as often as possible. (I admit that
sometimes the need to be reasonable is almost a necessity and thus
appears irresistible.)

But often, if we look closely, we see that no one intents to truly despise
us if we finally end up a chaotic mess, and, more alarmingly, no one intends
to love us or approve of us if we truly try to do the right thing and be good
citizens. Hence, the miracle of an utterly non-rewarding universe. Since
there are no rewards, no use striving for them.

Said Sartre in Being and Nothingness: "When one examines the details
of victory, it seems remarkably like defeat."

When I sit Za Zen, I allow my own world, and the world of others, to collapse
if it must.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 7 replies

No Inconsistency With Patriotism And "God Damn America"

2008-03-28T12:06:24Z

Americans have no Zen at all, and no Tao at all. They're such lumpy toads
that they have no poetic skills. They're such dumbo-trucker-nobodies.

Firstly, any poet knows that one often curses the ones he or she loves.
So, for instance, one could even say, without contradiction, if one had any
Zen, "God Damn You America, I love Your Fat, Ugly Ass, Come Kiss Me."

It seems to me that such things are known of in ordinary life every day.
How many people are both sickened and passionately in love with their mates?
Sayeth John Phillips of The Mamas & Papas:

Every time I see that girl,
You know I wanna' lay down and die.
But I really need that girl,
But I don't want to live in no lie.

Seems all real to me. So, worst case scenario: Let's say that Obama secretly
dug the "God Damn America" rant. Okay, so? Like, it seems to me that our
next President, if he were alive and honest could say:

"America, you collection of racist, sexist, ignorant pigs,
we've got to get to work at loving each other, making some big money,
sharing our wealth with useless mooches like Mel C. Thompson
and, heck, if you need, to, just to keep you one board, cool . . .
we'll start a fake war here and there, or whatever."

It seems to me like families make compromises like this all the time.
Why would it be unusual if a county did?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 20 replies

Born Again Tight Wads

2008-03-28T11:35:05Z

I've noticed around my county,
that churches of Born-Again Christians
seem to do almost nothing for the poor.

I notice the Mormons have massive charities.
I notice the Catholics have massive charities.
I even seen some uptight boring Buddhists with some charities.

But at Evangelical churches, mostly greedy people with big trucks
who do nothing but serve their own doctrines instead of food.

Plus, when they do charity, it's always directly tied to preaching,
and then it's mostly in the 3rd world where it's cheap to deliver.
As for their starving neighbors who represent no conversion opportunity,
it seems like they could give a shit.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 20 replies

The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching

2008-03-28T10:28:45Z

A short reminder of ZBS principles:

All classes must not only be open to everyone,
we additionally insist they be free.

Free does not mean, "No one turned away
for lack of funds." This old technique finally
makes moochers feel like moochers. The main
part of being a moocher is trying to simultaneously
feel legitmate.

Additionally, "Suggested Donations," are not cool
because, as a Holy Total Zero, I dislike anything
that implies that I am doing less than suggested.
Since my plan is always to do Zero and to give Zero,
hence any "suggestion" will always be more than
what I am prepared to contribute.

Finally, I object to all Buddhist events that are
structured in such a way as to imply that another
person or persons might be more enlightened
than me. All events should be structured in such
a way as to at least imply that such-and-such a
Buddhist guy or gal will host an event in which it
may turn out that Shaku Shotoku is revealed as
the Ultimate Bodhisattva.

P.S. - - Also, listings that do not include the idea
of absolutely free, and guilt-free, admission plus
some plan of how Holy Hungry Ghosts Buddhas
are to obtain free booze and free food to mooch,
are allowed, but slightly frowned upon.

All that being said, I hope the event comes off
okay anyway. But I do request that the four pillars
of Zen Buddhist Scoundrels are at least noted by
the speaker:

1. Constant indulgence in sugar-laced, heavily-
caffeinated beverages.

2. Daily indulgence in low-level functional alcoholism.

3. The generous indulgence in psychiatric meds,
especially any with any narcotic content.

4. The advocacy of hot female psychotherapists
who cure subconscious ailments by tricking the
subconscious of the practitioner into believing
he has a hot girlfriend who is simultaneously
a parent figure who loves him unthinkingly.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 8 replies

english buddhist visiting California and Nevada

2008-03-19T06:49:20Z

I'm an english buddhist (female) travelling to the US (certainly LA, San Francisco and Vegas, but possibly elsewhere also) in April ,and looking for intriguing experiences while i'm there. these experinces could be zen-related or Tibetan-based, but i'm not strongly affiliated to one brannd of buddhism.

any suggestions? it would help if temples and other places were reachable by public transport.

mindfully yrs,

nod

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 5 replies

Moses was high on drugs: say Israeli researcher

2008-03-08T07:57:00Z

This article reminds me of the learning channel special finding that along the rye belt in Europe is where all the witch trial inquisition occurred where they killed all those people for being high on Ergot, the ingredients in LSD, thinking they were witches or magical pagans. Ergot is found in bread mold in rye bread.

Moses was high on drugs: say Israeli researcher

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080304/od_afp/israelreligionoffbeat;_ylt=And365CYzR9r68cPlt3pG6EDW7oF

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 11 replies

Lost In The Dharmakaya

2008-03-07T07:37:46Z

Hey, I kynda lykededed zat story und had come baxxx tou more fullly grok und tou peep responses.

pffffffffffffffffft!!!

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 1 reply

I Thought "I Can't Carry On This Way"

2008-03-07T03:15:46Z

I was reflecting today on how serenely the great Buddhists have accepted
the law of impermanence. It noticed in contrast how I, under the pressure
of the slightest inconvenience, simply collapse into a state of chaotic panic.

Then I had to take BART to SF, and noticed that I could not really afford BART
and the coffee and booze I would need to make any trip to the City complete.
However, as an act of faith, I went on in to collect the mail at my sad little P.O.
type box. When I arrived, the phone rang, and fortunately an old friend only
a few blocks away volunteered to fund my coffee and doughnut.

I felt so inspired by that caffeine high that I called an old enemy to see if he would
humor me for a few moments, in spite of all the horrible things I say about him.
Happily, he took me in a for a half hour and funded two massive beers, which
then got me totally drunk.

It seemed then that my Buddhistic serenity returned and I felt that indeed I
might be able to handle all of these changes bravely.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 26 replies

The Holiness Of Original Panic

2008-03-06T18:55:37Z

If we panic, we must have "Pure Panic" or "Original Panic."
The Panic that arises out of the stream of the ordinary
comings and goings of the body and mind is what I call
"Completely Unstained Panic." It arises in the way a child
cries out for milk or for its mother's affection. When panic
becomes unenlightened, it is because we begin to attempt
to "engineer" it or to put a kind of public relations sort of
semi-political or semi-ideological "spin" on it. That's when
we lose ourselves. Most of our negative self-talk comes
from rescripted panic, painted over panic now assuming
a kind of heroic or polished posture. As Hugo points out,
there is something majestic in the wonder of a man, poor,
alone, old and afraid who simply cries out in horror. And
there is something completely Satanic about the New
Ager who is experiencing total chaos inside who then
repaints it as "a new awakening inspired by the shaman
lizard goddess of abundance." That sort of reworked panic
must be condemned to the lowest of the hungry ghost
hells.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 11 replies

Panic In The Dharmakaya

2008-03-02T02:29:04Z

If we panic, we must have "Pure Panic" or "Original Panic."
The Panic that arises out of the stream of the ordinary
comings and goings of the body and mind is what I call
"Completely Unstained Panic." It arises in the way a child
cries out for milk or for its mother's affection. When panic
becomes unenlightened, it is because we begin to attempt
to "engineer" it or to put a kind of public relations sort of
semi-political or semi-ideological "spin" on it. That's when
we lose ourselves. Most of our negative self-talk comes
from rescripted panic, painted over panic now assuming
a kind of heroic or polished posture. As Hugo points out
there is something majestic in the wonder of a man, poor,
alone, old and afraid who simply cries out in horror. And
there is something completely Satanic about the New
Ager who is experiencing total chaos inside who then
repaints it as "a new awakening inspired my the shaman
lizard god of abundance." That sort of reworked panic
must be condemned to the lowest of the hungry ghost
hells.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 0 replies

I have a cohen for you

2008-02-22T21:37:34Z

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make the sound of one hand clapping?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 25 replies

watever

2008-02-19T05:14:42Z

collision
expansion
swirly things
contraction
expansion
collision of swirly things
partial expansion
contraction
expansion of swirly things
silence

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 22 replies

how is the water...?

2008-02-17T20:34:29Z

is it perhaps time to paddle in a bit deeper...?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 4 replies

I have a dream...

2008-02-13T22:20:12Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z71unZn0LlM

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 0 replies

reincarnation application

2008-02-12T04:20:14Z

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reincarnation_Application

Jeebus, those Chinese Communists are wacky. I thought "religion is poison" was the official party line, and reincarnation is merely a folk superstition. If that's true, why do lamas need permission from the state in order to reincarnate?

I mean, it's obvious that this is merely a further attempt to control the politics of Tibet, but anyone with half a brain can see the ridiculousness of it. First of all, how can a secular government enforce a policy regarding the afterlife? Second, doesn't this policy legitimize belief in reincarnation, thereby negating the Party's assertion that it's a bunch of hogwash?

People are so incredibly stupid, I don't even know where to begin.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 14 replies

zen zen zen

2008-02-02T21:07:10Z

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8g3UWCoNDVo

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 6 replies

Zen hogwash

2008-01-26T22:42:33Z

Atoms obey the laws of physics.
I am made solely of atoms.
Therefore I always obey the laws of physics.

So when I choose chocolate over strawberry icecream - Is it determined, free will, or fatal?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 88 replies

Koan time kiddies....

2008-01-16T20:11:02Z

When I'm not myself... who am I?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 8 replies

Survived A Semi-Sesshin (Or However You Spell That)

2008-01-08T17:21:27Z

Had a great New Year's Eve four-hour Zen Sitting
preceded by great moochings of noodles and tea
and soy stuff. Then we built fires and strung lights
and rang bells and all that cool stuff. Later we managed
to add some champagne to the mix and more tea,
the combo of which gave me a solid buzz, plus
the person who drove me there brought excellent
cookies that we chowed on. So it's all good.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 8 replies

Huck & Obama Om

2008-01-08T07:38:13Z

I am at peace with the primary results, which means,
essentially, I am at peace with extinction. The one will
expand social programs radically, while excluding me
from them. And the other will eradicate social programs
altogether, but will at least smile as he pulls the switch.
You want your executioner to at least look at you with
a warm glow of love in his eyes. Long live Arkansas!

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 6 replies

a zen detective investigate death

2008-01-02T15:45:53Z

this was posted on one of the theravadan discussion groups on yahoo. don't know if it's been posted here before. it's kinda' fun.

**

-A Zen Detective Investigates Death

By Pete Sierra

"What's going to happen after I die?" I asked the Zen detective.

"Why do you want to know?

"It worries me."

"What happened before you were conceived?

"I don't know."

"Doesn't that worry you?"

"Not really."

"Why not? It could have been terrible."

"Maybe, but it's over and I don't remember. It's what will happen after death that worries me."

"I don't get it," he said looking amused. "You don't worry about it because it isn't happening now and because you don't remember it. Right?"

"Right."

"Well, what will happen after death is not happening now, and you don't remember it either. So why should it bother you?"

"Are you trying to be cute? I didn't hire you to be cute.I want to know the truth."

He smiled and rubbed his bald head. "Investigating a future crime is very difficult, I'm going to need your full cooperation. I don't want to hide from you that you are the main suspect."

"Me? How could I be a suspect regarding my fate after death?"

"Excuse me, the crime I'm investigating isn't your fate, but your imaginary death."

"Don't be ridiculous! How could my death be imaginary? It's a certainty that I'm going to die."

"Is it really? Are you dying this very instant?"

"No."

"Who is the one then who is going to die? Is it the baby, the child, the young man you once were; one of those who are going to die?"

"No, they are gone, but my body is going to die and this was their body."

"Are you sure of that? Is the size of the body the same?"

"No."

"Is the shape, or weight the same?"

"No."

"Are the atoms the same?"

"No, all atoms in the body are replaced within seven years."

"So, neither the form, nor the substance are the same? Correct?"

"My memories are. I'm the memory of my life."

He laughed. "It seems you are becoming less substantial with each question. "Doyou
remember every hour of your life?"

"No I don't."

"Do you remember every day, every month of your life?"

"No."

"So your memories have been dying all along, have they not?"

"Yes."

"Has this caused you any pain?"

"No."

"When a memory vanishes are you aware it's vanishing?"

"Not at all."

"Could you be your memories and don't feel anything when they perish?"

"I don't think so."

"So neither your form, your substance, your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, opinions or memories have remained the same throughout your life."

"My consciousness has."

"Your consciousness of what?"

"Not my consciousness of something. Just pure consciousness."

"Have you ever been conscious without being conscious of something?"

"I don't think so."

"Consciousness is not a permanent state is it? In a deep sleep without dreams you are not conscious are you? So if consciousness stops in deep sleep, is there a reason to think it will persist after death?"

"I don't think so."

"So we haven't found anything permanent to call yourself have we? Do you know who or what you really are?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Should you worry then about what happens to this elusive stranger after death?"

"Suffering worries me."

"Suffering can only occur when we are conscious, and if consciousness can't survive deep sleep, how could it survive death? So, if suffering worries you, inquire into how to stop it now. But I doubt that inquiry will interest you. People never worry about the present. Do
they? It's the idea of the past, or the future that causes most mental disquietude."

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 16 replies

a zen koan - FOR YOU

2008-01-01T23:08:41Z

This one will take a little work on your part to figure out:

Imagine a chicken in a glass bottle,
The chicken is bigger then the hole of the bottle,
How do you get out the chicken,
Without breaking the bottle or killing the chicken?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 37 replies

zen master samuel langhorne clemens

2007-12-04T22:11:14Z

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 3 replies

A Good Day Begins With A Bad Meditation

2007-11-07T07:07:14Z

Sometimes when meditation really sucks,
It makes the whole day a lot better.
Sometimes when meditation feels good,
The whole day goes downhill from there.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 18 replies

Zen for Primates

2007-11-04T09:20:42Z

Zuigan Calls Himself "Master" by Nobody

http://www.notezen.com/Articles/koan9.htm

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 12 replies

Feed the hungry by playing a game!

2007-11-03T18:29:27Z

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 18 replies

When In England

2007-11-02T19:29:50Z

My Buddhist Diet for the past four days consisted of bangers and mash and fish and chips
and beer and tea and coffee and cream and pastries and sugar. But I was in London, so
I'm blaming my environment. Plus lots of red and white wine, along with whiskey and port
were all forced upon me. Somehow I came out of the ordeal at least half-alive.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 9 replies

This Fits Best

2007-10-28T12:18:50Z

in this tribe, I've posted it inappropriatly everywhere else:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgujWm0TrJA

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 2 replies

A bad day at the Sessin (retreat)

2007-10-22T06:46:37Z

Makyo ola.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV_zp8Igk9w&mode=related&search=

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 33 replies

When one does not know what to do

2007-10-22T06:29:30Z

"When one does not know what to do" by Nobody

http://www.chineseelder.com/articles/NotKnowingWhatToDo.htm

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 1 reply

A Ray of Light Shines in Washington

2007-10-20T14:09:18Z

On Wednesday, October 17th, His Holiness the Dalai Lama is scheduled to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, presented by President George W. Bush. On this auspicious day, please keep these leaders, along with the organizers, security people, and visitors, in your thoughts and meditations.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 1 reply

You Need Some Ice Creme

2007-10-16T02:55:05Z

Please indulge yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Jkh5aAn-0&mode=related&search=

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 4 replies

The Ocean of Birth and Death, And Shit Like That

2007-10-14T11:34:32Z

The Ocean Of Birth And Death

Sensei sat in the middle of a large group of students. Sensei was surprised to see this large of a gathering, since only recently a news article had run in the local papers about a scandal involving him and several of his younger female students.
Sensei asked the group straight out:
“How is it that you would come to me for spiritual guidance when word is out about my lack of discipline?”
One student barked from the back of the room, “We already knew you were an old pervert. If that was to stop us from coming to see you, we would have abandoned you years ago.”
The room rang out in laughter. Sensei blushed slightly, but otherwise seemed to maintain his composure.
A student near the front of the room asked sincerely:
“We have heard you were near your own Master at the time of his passing. Can you tell us what kind of experience that was?”
“Certainly,” replied Sensei. “As you know, my master was not the last in a long lineage of notorious cowards. So, as you might have guessed, he mostly wept bitterly and complained incessantly during his last few months in this life.”
“But,” the student pressed, “what were his last moments like? Did he have a great awakening? Were there any final orders given? How did he sum up his dharma path?”
Sensei thought for a moment, a fleeting instant of joy seemed to pass through his face as he replied:
“Indeed, I recall being inspired to continue my, um . . . practice, such as it is, by something he said.”
The student seemed very interested, and looked at Sensei expectantly. Sensei took this as a cue to continue the story:
“As you know, this very life we live, and my Master was fond of pointing this out in the many laborious years we spent with him, is likened unto a great dark ocean, roiling with birth and death, monsters and predators. Indeed, our bodies are like brittle rafts made of thin wood. And we are using these bodies to attempt to carry ourselves through a very turbulent, violent and intolerable storm.”
“Right,” shouted a lay student from the back of the room. “This whole description reminds me of my tax returns.”
Chuckles could be heard from various students who were having a hard time keeping up any pretense of seriousness.
“Yes,” said the eager student, “but what did your Master say at the end?”
“Oh yes,” said Sensei. “So, as I was about to say. My Master was on his deathbed. And I was very traumatized, since, frankly, I need to take extra psychiatric medications even when suffering from a small bout of allergies. And I had no facilities with which to handle the actual demise of a respected human being in my presence.”
“Now there were several others in the room,” continued Sensei, “and this helped me deal with the situation somewhat.”
“At that time, to tell you the truth, it was not thought that I would be the one who would continue the Master’s lineage. After all, he referred to me as a weak and stubborn goat. So, imagine my surprise, that as he was about to take his final breaths, he called me, from among all the others, to come directly to his side.”
“I was shivering with fear and apprehension,” said Sensei, “much as I do now when the Board of Directors of the temple calls me in to account for my activities. But somehow I summoned the courage to approach very near to his face. And I asked him, ‘Sir, how am I, and how are my brethren, lacking in skill and character as we are, to ever hope to cross the ocean of birth and death to get to the other shore?’”
“At that moment,” concluded Sensei, “my Master’s face began to glow. It was as though there was light beneath his skin. He was radiant. The others in the room came close behind me to look at this awesome sight. Many of us were soon pressed all around his bed. The Master raised his head ever so slightly, and his eyes bulged out wildly. He turned his head frantically a few times, seemly in both fear and tremendous ecstasy and proclaimed his last words:
“Gentlemen. To the lifeboats!”

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 11 replies

incarnation...

2007-10-09T09:44:49Z

is amazing but kind of a bum trip...

yeah ok biosphere stuff is amazing and bewilderingly diverse and if we forget the disgraceful horror of it all there can be some seductive aspects when viewed in a bbc documentary but overall it is kind of nasty BS...

so do buddhists actually have any real insight into how to make it less awful and do they have anything instant and cheap in pill form...?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 81 replies

Prayer?

2007-10-08T19:39:41Z

A Short Discussion On Prayer

“Sensei, does God answer prayer?” asked a student.

“Yes, every time!” answered Sensei enthusiastically.

“What is your understand of prayer?” inquired the student.

“It is my understanding,” replied Sensei, “that there are three
prayers that humans address to Heaven:”

“Dear God, please eternally save me
from separation from those I love.”

“Dear God, please eternally save me
from the loss of my money and possessions.”

“Dear God, please eternally save me
from the ravages of illness, aging and death.”

Sensei asked the student, “What is your understanding of prayer?”

“My understanding of prayer,” replied the student, “is essentially
the same as yours. Although, I would add a fourth prayer.”

“Really,” said Sensei. “And what would the fourth prayer be.”

The student replied:

“Dear God, may Thy will be done always.”

“Well stated,” said Sensei with a wink.

“Sensei,” ventured the student, “Do you believe God answers prayers?”

“Every time,” replied Sensei.

“What are his answers?” asked the student.

“God always answers ‘no’ to the first three and ‘yes’ to the fourth.”

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 60 replies

Koan Of The Day - What's Your Best Answer? :)

2007-10-04T05:38:09Z

If the Zen prostitute
Never engages in sex,
Why do the clients
Keep returning?

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 21 replies

BAD Koans?

2007-10-02T08:45:39Z

Ok, break out your best BAD Koan?

:D

SA

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 50 replies

The Last Tree

2007-10-01T06:59:21Z

A Few More Notes On The Great Matter

Sensei sat Za Zen, as they used to say, ferociously. His posture was extremely firm, yet supple, hard as steel,
yet not rigid. He seemed as imposing, as the old cliché goes, as a mile-high wall. As he meditated facing the
wall, persons entering the room were unaware of the smirk almost permanently frozen on his face.

A new student ventured into the Zendo with a certain amount of trepidation. He tiptoed forward till he was only
a few steps behind the Master. He cleared his throat.

Sensei responded, “What now?”

The student, knowing he had violated protocol by interrupting a meditation said, “Sir, I have a matter that seems
rather urgent to me.”

“Child,” said Sensei, “when we run out of coffee on a cold winter morning because the procurement monk forgot
to go for supplies, that is urgent.”

“I’m afraid my matter is the Great Matter itself,” said the student, now gaining a little confidence.

Sensei turned around on his cushion and said, “You mean mere death?”

The student nodded in the affirmative.

“Oh,” replied the Master, “you should never interrupt a meditation if death is the only concern. I thought you were
going to bring up something important. I was worried for a moment that you were going to tell me they had closed
the sake house, or something like that.”

“Master,” queried the student, again more quietly and timidly, “they say that you are a psychic.”

“Hmm . . .” said the Master with a kind of shrug of the shoulders. “I hadn’t thought of that, exactly, but sure, why not?”

“They say that,” explained the student, “because you are so sensitive to reality, to the past and the future, as well as
how it all comes together in the present moment. It’s said that this extreme sensitivity is what makes you . . . um, a sort of
. . . nut case.”

The Master grinned and barked with a laugh, “Fair enough!”

“Mater,” persisted the student, “could you tell me when death will finally come?”

“Oh,” shrugged the Master again, “just any old day now.”

“How soon?” exclaimed the student with some alarm.

“Very soon,” replied the Master, “it will seem just like moments from now.”

“Is there no chance I could live for several decades more?” pleaded the student.

The Master paused and considered the question for a minute.

“Yeah, it could happen that you live longer than usual,” agreed the Master.

“How could that be,” asked the student.

“Let me tell you what it would be like,” concluded the Master. “It would be as if a family of loggers had decided firmly
to clear a certain section of the wood. And it might so happen that as they arrived at the last tree, one of the sons tired
a bit more easily than on other days and said, ‘Father, I’m feeling rather sickly today. Could we cut down this last tree
another time?’ And it might be that the Father would reply, ‘No problem, Son, we’ll get this one tomorrow.’ In such a
haphazard way are our lives spared.”

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 7 replies

Yes & No

2007-09-22T20:28:37Z

“Sensei,” said a student

“Yes,” answered Sensei.

“Do the Hindu gods exist?” asked the student.

“Yes,” replied Sensei.

“Are you saying the Hindu gods are real?” asked the student.

“No,” replied Sensei.

“How can they exist without being real?” wondered the student.

“You and I are doing it this very moment?” said Sensei.

“Sensei,” said the student.

“Yes,” answered Sensei.

“Are we permitted to worship the gods?” asked the student.

“Yes,” replied Sensei.

“Are you saying we should believe in the gods?” asked the student.

“No,” replied Sensei.

“Why would we submit to beings we don’t believe in?” wondered the student.

“To be consistent in all our relationships,” said Sensei.

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 19 replies

I'm Digging The Electronic Hookup Service For Buddhists Ad

2007-09-14T14:14:13Z

Hey, I like that sexy ad across from us tonight
extolling how hot all the Buddhists are for a date.

But I would like to offer a new service:

"How to not need a date." Not needing a date
would be the ultimate comfort.

(Steve Martin said that at sunset the guys with the pointy heads come out.)

posted in Zen Buddhist Scoundrels - 3 replies